30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Day 21

Talk about comorbid conditions. Do you have any other disorders commonly related to autism? Were you misdiagnosed as something else first?

I’ve been seeing doctors/psychiatrists since I was 3 when my mom took me to the doctor because I was ridiculously hyper. They like to tell the story of me literally climbing up the wall and then running around the room on the little edge/crowning thing that was midway up the wall. And that was when I received my first diagnosis: ADHD. Over the next 20 years I received or had been tested for a multitude of things. The diagnoses I received were ADHD, ODD, depression/dysthymia, GAD, social phobias and panic disorder. At one point I was also tested for OCD and bipolar disorder but they were inclusive.

I would agree with all of my diagnoses except perhaps ODD. I think a lot of the behavior that was interpreted as defiance could have been symptoms of my autism. Looking at the symptoms of ODD a lot of them overlap. Things like refusal to comply with instructions may have been me misunderstanding the directions. Or being deliberately annoying could be explained by my lack of social skills, I may not have even known what I was doing was bothering them, or if I did register they were irritated I wouldn’t have known why or how to modify my behavior. Stubbornness/inability to compromise can be summed up by my inability to adapt to change. I need to do things my way, it’s not just a want or me being difficult; I become agitated and confused when presented with an alternate instruction or change of plans.

I wouldn’t for sure say I was misdiagnosed with anything but I think it obvious that the doctors didn’t do as well as they could have in trying to categorize all my symptoms. With the diagnoses, I had before I got my autism diagnosis, yes some of the symptoms do overlap but there are quite a few that don’t and no one really tried to find something that would cover all of them. One would think with all the people I saw and was evaluated by someone would have suggested autism but apparently not. If I hadn’t pushed for a diagnosis I doubt anyone else would have brought it up as a possibility.

General Update - February 2017

I know I haven't updated in literally forever I've just been kind of lazy I guess.  I'll make an effort to update a bit more regularly.  For now since so much time has passed I'm just going to do a sort of short general post about the major stuff that has happened and may do some other updates about specific incidents if I can recall enough info.

• My depression has been a lot better since my med change.  No not nearly as many suicidal thoughts and my anxiety has improved as well. 
• I'm adjusting to my new therapist.  She's okay but she's not the same as Rachel and it still just feels kind of off.
• School is going well.  Passed my classes from last semester with A's and I'm doing well this semester.  I'm taking Multicultural Lit and my second remedial algebra class.  Thankfully after I finish this math class I only need one college algebra credit for my major.
• I won second place in my schools writing contest which my current Lit professor embarrassed me about by announcing it in front of the entire class.  I hadn't even known I'd come in second so that was really fucking awkward.
• I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• There's still been no news about my father's estate which I'm quite pissed off about at this point as it should have been settled a year ago.
• My stepfather has been having some medical issues lately.  Two weeks ago his tongue swelled up and then today he had some sort of seizure/fainting spell.
• My current special interest is the Lion Guard and I'm super excited for the final episode of the first season this Friday.
• I absolutely love the Fantastic Beasts movie and cant wait to get it when it comes out.  If you haven't seen it I strongly recommend it.  My favorite character is Credence.
• My friend/ex-boyfriend just revealed to me that he is sexually attracted to children, which really fucking grosses me out. He says he's not done anything but I reported it to the police just in case. I don't want to feel responsible if something happens.  I have enough shit of my own going on. I'm really unclear as to what I'm going to do about that situation.
• Alan Rickman's birthday is today and as per tradition I have binge watched Alan Rickman movies and baked a cake (which is technically for my grandmother's birthday tomorrow.)
• Voloyda is doing fine.  We've hung out a few times but he's not done anything noteworthy 

That's about it.  All I can think of at the moment anyway.  I may expand on some of the things listed above in their own posts if I feel inclined or if there's something specific you want to hear more about leave a comment and I'll make sure to expand on it.

General Update - October 2016

Hi friends, there's not really been a whole lot going on so this is just a brief, very basic update.  I'm doing a little better, not a whole lot but I finally had my psychiatrist and she changed my meds.  Now that I've quit the Effexor my headaches, sweatiness and sleep problems have gone away.  So that's good.  Unfortunately my car tire fucked up again.  My dad managed to find a used one at the junkyard so it was only $50 for the replacement.  School's going okay.  Over halfway through the semester now.  I'm passing both of my classes.  Generally everything seems to be going okay.

Bad Time 2

Had a bit of an episode today.  A huge meltdown and crying fit along with some serious suicide contemplation.  I really don't think my med change is helping at all.  I don't know why I'm so miserable.  I'm doing okay in school and I don't really have anything to be that stressed out about but I always feel like I'm two seconds away from a complete breakdown.  My depression hasn't been this bad since The Incident.  I really think it's only a matter of time before I end up back in the hospital.  I think if I have another breakdown like today I'm going to have to go because I really can't handle it anymore.  I'm so miserable and unhappy.

Bad Time

I've been having a rough time lately.  The doctor upped my meds but it doesn't seem to be helping much plus the side effects are awful.  My father is driving me insane.  All he does is complain about every single thing.  "I walk up the stairs too loudly.  He can hear my TV at night.  There are bubbles left in the sink after I do the dishes.  I'm lazy.  I ask annoying questions.  I spend my money on stupid things.  I'm incompetent.  I need to get my life together.  He can't wait for me to move out.  I make him miserable.  I think everything is a fucking joke."  It sure does wonders for my mental health.  And my mother doesn't take it seriously.  She thinks I'm doing better.  I'm fucking doing worse.  Every day I think of suicide.

2016 Reunion/General Update

Greetings people.  I really am sorry I haven't updated in so long.  My depression has been kinda bad lately and I haven't really had the energy to write anything.  I can't remember if I mentioned it before or not (and I really can't be bothered to look right now) but my therapist, that I was seeing for years and who I really liked, quit and I've been having some issues adjusting to the new person.  She's not bad or anything, seems decent enough, but I don't really like her all that much.  I missed my last appointment and haven't rescheduled so it's been like a month and a half.  There have been a few incidents and I've been having some suicidal thoughts lately so I should probably make a new appointment.  But it's been forever since I went and so now I'm all stressed out about calling.  I don't handle phone calls well under the best of circumstances.  I need to discuss changing or adding my anxiety meds when I see my psychiatrist in September.

On a more positive note I did quite well in my sociology class this summer and passed with an A.  School starts back up for fall semester on Monday.  I was supposed to be taking history and English Lit but my English course got cancelled, which I was quite pissed about because as an English Lit major I need like 4 Lit classes and they waited until ten days before the semester starts to cancel it so the available class options were pretty slim.  I signed up for a psychology course as my replacement though and once I finish that I'll be done with all my social/behavioral credits.

We had the family reunion at the end of July.  It was a lot of fun.  Bonnie came but the only other relative I get along with well couldn't make it.  We had my step-father's annoying family down as well to come to the reunion.  Which I don't understand and didn't like because they are not part of the 'Cronwell' family.  It's a family reunion, and they are not part of that family, I don't know why my mother invited them.  And dad pitched a fit because he didn't want Bonnie, who admittedly is a little weird, around his precious daughter and granddaughters.  Because his family came down, especially because they brought an extra person without telling us before hand, we were short 2 beds.  We were already going to be short one but I had volunteered mine to Bonnie so she could stay with us and slept in my closet.  I don't like people to begin with and because of my autism I don't like change or unexpected things happening so it was just really stressful for me when everyone was in the house.

Bonnie and I went to the Zoo on Friday morning as she hadn't gone since she was a kid.  They updated the aquarium in 2015 and I've been to the zoo since then but there was always a huge line to go though the aquarium so I hadn't been through yet.  It's pretty cool.  By the time we were mostly done at the zoo my mother was calling and nagging me about when we were getting back to the house as we told her we would go and help her set up.  It was only like 1:30 and we said we'd be back around 2ish so I don't know what she was complaining about but whatever.  We went out and set up and spent a few hours hanging out in the pool before going back home.  Because we'd gone to the zoo, the cookies I was supposed to make got pushed to kinda the last minute and we ended up baking until like 11:30 that night.  Got them done though and people enjoyed them.

The reunion was great.  We had it at my mother's friends "John and Michelle's."  We've had it there before, I believe this was the third time though it could be the fourth, I had my graduation party there.  They live a bit out in the country and have a large pool, hot tub and pond with a paddle-boat.  Since I don't really like that many people and crowds stress me out, I spent most of the day swimming and taking with my aunt, grandmother, mother, Michelle, and Bonnie.  There were a few games, a pinata, the white elephant.  My cousin 'Bob' got stuck with this horrid unicorn plaque thing that I found at The Store for $4.  It was the ugliest thing I could find.  I'll see if we took a picture.  It was truly awful.  He said he was going to use it as a boat anchor.

The first week of August was spent watching my aunts' house as they went on holiday to Florida.  Eight whole days of hanging out with Titus and being away from my father.  It was nice.  (Plus I got paid $100 of which half went into my Christmas fund and the other half, because I'm terrible at managing money, was spent on buying a bunch of video games off of eBay.)  The first four days were spent studying (and by studying I mean mostly playing Skyrim and reading books with only a minimal amount of time spent actually studying) for my final exam in sociology but after that it was quite relaxing.  I love hanging out with Titus, almost as much as I loved Nicky.  Only thing I don't really like about him is that he snores like a fucking hippo and as soon as you make even the slightest movement like you're getting up in the morning, even if you're still asleep, he gets super hyper and starts racing around the room and jumping on you.  Can't say how many times I've been woken up by his feet jabbing into my kidneys.  Other than that though he's great, a big baby.

That's pretty much all that I've been doing.  I bought a new computer as my old one was purchased in 2011 and I really think it was about to fall apart.  My hermit crabs are doing well.  I've got a new one I named Merlin.  I wanted to get three more and name them Porthos, Athos and, Aramis but I went to four different shops and they either had giant ones or none at all and the last place had one and it was the right size so Merlin became a part of the colony.  I may still get three more and name them after the musketeers.  I'll try to update withing the next couple of weeks.  

Better Than Last Week

I had a pretty bad time with everything last week but I'm doing much better now.  I wasn't actively suicidal but I was considering checking myself into a psychiatric facility but didn't.  My mother is trying to find me a new psychiatrist and possibly a psychologist as well.  The person I see now is not working and I need someone else before I have another psychotic break.  Other than me feeling like I'm losing my mind I'm doing okay.

I can back home last Sunday.  I'm working on getting my car repaired from the accident.  My back and neck no longer hurt.  Silas and I are doing well.  I'm looking forward to the family reunion next weekend.  And I get to get out of the house for a week by dog/cat/turtle-sitting at my aunt's starting the day after the reunion.  I'm not sure if I'm more excited for the family reunion or house-sitting at my aunt's.  I love my family but I also love my aunt's dog Titus and getting away from my parents.

The one problem (besides me losing my mind) that I have right now is that Voloyda is driving me mad.  I know he thinks he's helping, trying to get me to go after David but he's not and it's really getting on my nerves.  I could throttle him, I really, really could.  At least he hasn't told me where David is.

My step-sister and her husband and annoying children came down from Canada for the holiday weekend.  I'm not a fan of children to begin with and her children are more annoying than most.  Especially since my room is directly below the kitchen and they think jumping up and down on the floor while shrieking is an acceptable activity at 7:30 in the morning.  I am an evening person.  I stay up late and sleep in and when I've been up until 4:30 I don't want to be woken up three hours later by screeching children.

Not a Very Good Week

This week has so far been rather bad.  I've been involved in a car accident, had a complete meltdown over Silas, almost been forcibly committed into the psychiatric hospital by my therapist and, been told by my mother to get out of the house.

So on Monday when I was heading over to see Silas, there was a wicked storm going on and all the traffic lights were out.  It was totally awesome; I love thunderstorms.  So the traffic lights came back on just before I crossed the bridge.  I get to the other side and get stopped by the light and BOOM.  The lady behind me smashed right into me and I in turn hit the person in front of me.  My front bumper was totally fine as was the car in front of me but my back bumper is like fucked up.  And the car of the person who hit me was trashed.  Her hood was folded in like an accordion.  It looked bad.  No one was injured though so the police didn't come.  It didn't set in right away but I have a wicked case of Whiplash.  My neck fucking hurts.  I can't turn it to the right at all.  Oh well, I'm not overly concerned about it.  It'll heal up.

So I finally meet up with Silas and went out to eat, played Frisbee, went to his house, watched Netflix, went to my house, made some cookies, I had a meltdown.  He did something and then I got upset and then he got upset and I started crying and then he started crying.  And I got mad that he was crying.  And then we stopped crying and watched Mulan and he went home.  So that happened.

Tuesday I had therapy and my therapist said I seemed 'off' and kept asking me if I was suicidal.  I sort of am but not enough to actually kill myself or anything.  There's a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live.  So then she called my mother and told her to keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't kill myself.

So then yesterday my mother responded to my therapist's advice to watch me by telling me I need to get out of the house.  So last night I left.

Overall not a very good week.  I just don't feel like dealing with this shit anymore.

Fear of Earthquakes

This week's phobia is: Earthquakes 

Fear level: 4

Why I am afraid:
          Earthquakes are scary.  They kill people and can completely destroy an entire city.

Some facts:

• There are over 1,000,000 earthquakes a year around the world.  About 100,000 of those can be felt, and 100 or so cause damage each year.
• Several thousand shocks of varying sizes occur annually in the United States.
• All 50 states are vulnerable to earthquakes.
• Earthquakes kill approximately 8,000 people each year and have caused an estimated 23 million deaths in the past 4,000 years.
• The average earthquake lasts around a minute.
• Aftershocks occur because the displaced fault line and crust are adjusting to the effects of the main earthquake.  Larger earthquakes can have aftershocks that last for years.
• The moment magnitude scale replaced the 1930's-era Richter scale in the 1970's as the method of measuring the size of earthquakes in terms of energy released.
• A quake is considered major when it registers more than 7.0 on the moment magnitude scale.  A magnitude of 3.0 or lower is nearly imperceptible. 

How I plan to get over this fear:

•  Look into if and when there have been any damage causing earthquakes in Ohio.

Fear of Poliomyelitis Part 2

I know I said I would update yesterday but after my exams my grandmother had me stop over and do some chores and stuff and then she took me out to dinner.  By the time I got home at 7 I was so tired I went right to bed.

So I did get over my fear of polio.  I was vaccinated as a baby and there haven't been any cases in the United States in years.  I guess you only need to worry if you go to Pakistan.  So far this year there have been 68 confirmed cases of polio as of today at 5:57pm.  They were all in the Middle East and 54 of those cases were in Pakistan.  My next fear that I'm going to work on is earthquakes and I will post about that within the next couple of days. 

Fear of Poliomyelitis

This week's phobia is: Poliomyelitis

Fear level: 3

Why I am afraid:
     Diseases in general are rather frightening.

Why the fear makes sense:

•  I would think most people would be frightened of being infected with an incurable disease that causes paralysis and death.

 Some facts:

• Polio is a highly infectious disease caused by a virus.  It invades the nervous system, and can cause total paralysis in a matter of hours.
• Polio mainly affects children under 5 years of age.
• One in 200 infections leads to irreversible paralysis.  Among those paralyzed, 5% to 10% die when their breathing muscles become immobilized.
• Outbreaks can still occur in the developed world, usually in groups of people who have not been vaccinated.  Polio often occurs after someone travels to a region where the disease is common.
• As long as a single person remains infected, people in all countries are at risk of contracting polio.  Failure to eradicate polio from these last remaining strongholds could result in as many as 200,000 new cases every year, within 10 years all over the world.
• There is no cure for polio, it can only be prevented.
• Polio has been eradicated in the United States since 1979.

How I plan to get over this fear:

• I will look into whether I have been vaccinated for this disease.
• Look into whether there have been any confirmed cases of polio in the United States in the last few years.

LARP/Fear of Ducks Part 2

Today I went and participated in a LARP (For those of you that aren't total nerds, LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing and in the simplest terms involves putting on costumes and bashing people with foam weapons.  The movie "Role Models" has some pretty accurate LARPing if you want to see for yourself.) battle at Voloyda's parents.  I haven't really LARPed since Voloyda and I broke up because I was on his team and things were just really weird.  But now that he's acting normally I figured it would be okay to start back up again.  It was so much fun and I have the bruises to prove it.  After the freezing winter we just had, it was nice to get outside and bash some people up.

I also went because they live on a farm and raise animals, including ducks.  And since I'm trying to get over my fear of ducks, it seemed like a good place to go and get up close with ducks.  After the battle Voloyda and I hung out with the ducks.  It wasn't that bad.  And the ducks were okay as well.  (Bad joke, I know.  I couldn't resist putting it in there.)  One of the ducks bit me (I told you they were dangerous) but it didn't really hurt.

After both researching and having some close up interactions with ducks, I have discovered that it isn't groups of ducks that I should be fear but single ducks.  There are very few records of group attacks but plenty of records of singular ducks attacking.  However, I am reasonably certain that I could fend off a single attacking duck should the situation ever arise.  I would say ducks are something that while they may make me slightly uncomfortable, are no longer something I am afraid of.

Looking for next fear to overcome.  Of the following, which would you most like to see me tackle next?  Leave your vote in the comment.  Fears I am willing to try next:
     1. Crickets
     2. Earthquakes
     3. Holes
     4. Mauled by hippos - being
     5. Poliomyelitis 

Fear of Ducks

This week's phobia is: Ducks

Fear level: 2

Why I am afraid: 
     I'm not afraid of all ducks.  Just if there's a large group of ducks.  They could like attack or something.

Why the fear makes sense:

• There are over 4 million google video results to the phrase "duck attacks people"
• In August of 2013 a 91-year-old man was hospitalized after being attacked by a duck
• In April of 2013 the city of Miami Springs, Florida received several reports of duck attacks

 Some facts:

• There are more than 40 breeds of domestic ducks.
• Mallard ducks, the most common wild ducks in the US, can fly nearly vertically out of the water reaching a height of about 30 feet before flying horizontally.
• All types of ducks are part of the bird family Anatidae, and there are species of ducks found on every continent except Antarctica.
• All ducks have highly waterproof feathers as a result of an intricate feather structure and a waxy coating that is spread on each feather while preening.  A duck's feathers are so waterproof that even when the duck dives underwater, its downy under-layer of feathers will stay completely dry.
• A ducks mouth contains rows of tiny plates to help filter water out of their beaks without losing food.

How I plan to get over this fear:

• Silas and I are going to the zoo on Friday and I will look at and get some more information on the ducks
• I will also go to the park and watch the ducks swim on the pond

Updated Phobias List

Since I'm going to try to overcome some of my phobias I figured I should update my phobias list.  I'm always developing new phobias.  It should be kept current.

1.      Accidents

2.      AIDS

3.      Alligators

4.      Anxiety

5.      Appendicitis

6.      Asymmetrical objects

7.      Attacked -being

8.      Atomic explosions

9.      Babies

10.  Bees

11.  Beetles

12.  Birds

13.  Bitten - being

14.  Brain diseases

15.  Buried alive - being

16.  Butterflies

17.  Calling people on the telephone

18.  Cancer

19.  Cannibals

20.  Centipedes

21.  Chainsaws

22.  Childbirth

23.  Children

24.  Choking

25.  Cholera

26.  Churches

27.  Clowns

28.  Cockroaches

29.  Completely isolated - being

30.  Contaminated with dirt or germs - being

31.  Contracting a disease

32.  Cornered – being

33.  Crickets

34.  Crocodiles

35.  Crowds

36.  Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease

37.  Death of close family

38.  Dentists

39.  Dirty – being

40.  Dolls

41.  Drop offs/precipices

42.  Drowning

43.  Ducks

44.  Dysentery

45.  Earthquakes

46.  Ebola virus

47.  Electrocuted - being

48.  Expressing opinions

49.  Failure

50.  Falling or being pushed off a ladder

51.  Flies

52.  Floods

53.  Gallstones

54.  Germs

55.  Heart attacks

56.  Heights

57.  Held down – being

58.  HIV

59.  Hit by a car – being

60.  Holes

61.  House burning down

62.  Hurricanes

63.  Imperfections

64.  Insanity

65.  Insects

66.  Jellyfish

67.  Judged negatively in social situations - being

68.  Kidney disease

69.  Ladybugs

70.  Laughed at - being

71.  Leprosy/Lepers

72.  Lice

73.  Lit on fire - being

74.  Lizards

75.  Lupus

76.  Mannequins

77.  Mauled by bears – being

78.  Mauled by elephants – being

79.  Mauled by hippos – being

80.  Mauled by lions – being

81.  Mauled by tigers – being

82.  Mercury

83.  Missiles

84.  Mobs

85.  Monsoons

86.  Mosquitos

87.  Moths

88.  MRSA

89.  Noxious airborne substances

90.  Nuclear weapons

91.  Oleander

92.  Open high spaces

93.  Open spaces in general

94.  Opossums

95.  Other peoples shoes

96.  Outside

97.  Owning a gun

98.  Parasites

99.  People

100.                      People with amputations

101.                      Pitied – being

102.                      Poisoned – being

103.                      Poliomyelitis

104.                      Prison

105.                      Public toilets

106.                      Pushed down the stairs – being

107.                      Rabies

108.                      Radiation

109.                      Raped – being

110.                      Rats

111.                      Religion

112.                      Ridiculed – being

113.                      Riots

114.                      Risk

115.                      Robbed – being

116.                      SARS

117.                      Scabies

118.                      Scarlet fever

119.                      Scorpions

120.                      Sharks

121.                      Shingles

122.                      Shot – being

123.                      Skin lesions

124.                      Smallpox

125.                      Soccer riots

126.                      Society

127.                      Speaking in public

128.                      Spiders

129.                      Stabbed – being

130.                      Stared at – being

131.                      Storm drains

132.                      Submarines

133.                      Suffocated – being

134.                      Syphilis

135.                      Tap water

136.                      Tapeworms

137.                      Termites

138.                      Tetanus

139.                      The Mafia

140.                      Toads

141.                      Tornadoes

142.                      Touched - being

143.                      Tuberculosis

144.                      Tulips

145.                      Venomous snakes

146.                      Ventriloquists dummies

147.                      Walking over bridges

148.                      War

149.                      Wasps

150.                      Worms