Showing posts with label My Writings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Writings. Show all posts

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Do Be You

And here is the sister poem to Don't Be. This one is called Do Be You. 

It is possible
To be who you are
And stay the same
Even if you have to change 
To be you
You may
Cut your hair
Or grow it out
You may
Stop shaving
Or start
You may 
Buy a packer
Or a gaff
You may
Start on T
Or E
You may
Change your clothes
Change your name
Change your pronouns
Change your body
If you want
And you should
Do what you want
Do what makes you happy
Do be you

Don't Be

As I've mentioned pretty much every year since I started this blog, April is National Poetry Month and as per the norm I shall be posting a few of my poems.

Here's a poem I wrote last month for trans days of visibility.  Which I stopped doing (obviously) as I kind of got distracted by putting together my own campaign (which I shall be adding soon) but I may go still do some of the prompts and back date them, of which I will make a note if I do.  Anyway here's my poem, I titled it Don't Be. 

This body I am in
Is not my own
It does not belong to me
There has been
A horrible mistake
And because of this mistake
I must endure
People thinking of me
And referring to me
As something I am not
It saddens me
And it angers me
And I want to scream
But I don't
I don't do anything
Don't draw attention
Don't correct people
Don't cause a scene
Don't be different
Don't make people uncomfortable
Don't be yourself
All these rules
Needed to survive
Seem to say
Don't be happy

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Innocent

Yet another poem from the previously mentioned contest.

Bad things happen
To good people
To children
Who have never
Done anything wrong
Who don’t deserve
To have their life
Their childhood
Stolen from them
But it happens
It happens everyday
And bad people
Continue happily
On with their life
Uncaring of the
Damage and destructing
They have just
Inflicted
On an innocent 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Thief

Another poem I wrote for the previously mentioned poetry contest.


He ruined me
Because of him
I can’t touch people
Can’t trust people
Because of him
I am tainted
I feel dirty
Like I’ll never be clean
And it’s his fault
I hate him
I hate him for what
He did to me
He stole my childhood

Friday, April 15, 2016

Treatments for Autism: Therapy or Torture

Here's my final paper for my Comp II class.  An 8 page (though mine ended up being 9 3/4 which is good because 10 was the max it could be) argumentative synthesis report.  I actually had a fun time writing it.  As you know I am autistic and autism is something I'm passionate about.  Plus people don't generally seem to know a lot about autism and the kinds of things we have to deal with so it's worth educating them a bit.  As I wasn't diagnosed at the time, the therapies I went though were not to 'cure me of my autism' but rather my ADHD, ODD, OCD, and social phobias and anxieties.  I've not had it graded yet but I'll let you know what I get.  Here it is:

Treatments for Autism: Therapy or Torture


          Autism is a neurodevelopmental disability characterized by difficulties in social situations, verbal and non-verbal communication and repetitious behaviors.  By current accounts Autism Spectrum Disorders, commonly referred to as ASD or autism, affect one in 68 children (“Data & Statistics”).  Questions have been raised as to whether the rates of autism are rising or if it is due to the changes in diagnostic criteria that have resulted in additional people receiving a diagnosis.  It is not known for certain what causes autism, but doctors are of the opinion that it is caused by a combination of environmental and genetic factors that occur during pregnancy.  Though there is no approved cure for autism, many therapies boast that they can reduce or remove symptoms so as to make the autistic person appear neurologically typical.  In an effort to normalize the autistic person, these therapies employ various methods which are generally physically or mentally harmful.  Most autistic people are of the opinion that any therapy with the goal of removing autistic type behaviors in order to make an autistic person pass as neurotypical is not therapy but abuse.  Quite a few of the most common therapies employed in the treatment of people with autism are not therapies; they are torture. 
          One of the most common recommended therapies for autism is Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), also referred to as the Lovaas method after Dr. Ivar Lovaas who created it, in which positive and negative reinforcement techniques are employed so as to bring about a change in behavior.  Generally, the behaviors that ABA seeks to change are those that make the autistic person comfortable.  Sparrow Rose, autistic advocate and author of the blog Unstrange Mind, says the following about ABA therapy:
                     ABA’s core belief is that forty hours per week of therapy geared
                    toward making a child externally appear as “normal” as possible
                    will “fix the brokenness” inside that made the child behave that
                    way. ABA believes in an extreme form of “fake it until you make
                    it,” and because it is behaviorism at its most pure — that is, a
                    psychological science that treats internal processes as irrelevant
                    to function (Lovaas said, ‘you have to put out the fire first before
                    you worry how it started’) — it treats behavior as meaningless
                    and unwanted actions rather than as communication.
Ignoring the fact that autistic people are not broken and that no amount of therapy will cure them of being autistic, this therapy is supposed to occur 40 hours a week for children as young as two years old.  What type of child, autistic or neurotypical, has the fortitude to not only maintain their current functioning, but also to learn and improve while forced into basically a full time job?  These children are forced into a state of perpetual exhaustion. 
          The goal of Applied Behavior Analysis is to get the autistic person to conform to the neurotypical standard.  Amy Sequenzia, non-verbal autistic advocate, states that the ABA she went through was disrespectful to her autonomy.  She was not allowed to say no or to make her own choices (“Non-speaking Autistic Speaking”).  In a separate article, Sequenzia goes on to say that ABA therapy consists of the therapist, regardless of the autistic person’s wants or needs, commanding the autistic person to perform a task, to give a response, and to suppress their natural movements (“Autism Women’s Network”).  The autistic person sits through forty hours a week of being told to and often forced to make eye-contact, to point to the right item, to say what the therapist wants to hear all while being told that they are not good enough, told that normal people can do this without issue, told that if they cannot or will not do this they are useless.  The ABA therapist then takes this beaten down and exhausted autistic person and says: ‘See look, it does work.  This person no longer exhibits x autistic behavior.’  Part of ABA’s ‘success’ is not due to the breakdown of autistic behaviors, but the fact that the autistic person is so exhausted they do not have the energy to do them.  Applied Behavior Analysis does not teach skills, it teaches compliance and that autistic people do not have the right to say no.  ABA teaches people with autism to ignore their natural movements and behaviors and to do things that they find unnatural or painful in an effort to appear normal.
          Similar to ABA is Systematic Desensitization Therapy which differs from Applied Behavior Analysis in that while ABA typically focuses on building up ‘positive’ behaviors, the focus of systematic desensitization is to eliminate the ‘negative’ ones.  People with fears or sensitivities to things tend to avoid them; the purpose of desensitization therapy is for the individual to overcome their need to avoid things by gradual exposure to the feared item with the end goal of complete ease around it (“Desensitization”).  The methods used are repeated exposure to whatever is causing the negative reaction.  Autistic people generally suffer from an unusual amount of sensory sensitivities.  These sensitivities can be anything from being blinded and feeling intense pain from bright or fluorescent lighting, to the skin feeling as if it is being ripped off when touching certain textures, to loud or unexpected noises resulting in a stabbing sensation in the ear. 
          In order to cure the autistic person of their ‘unnatural’ reactions to these situations, the therapist would purposely and repeatedly expose them to the thing they are sensitive to.  I have been through this type of therapy.  The above listed sensitivities are my own; I have problems with lights, textures, and noises.  In an effort to cure me of my ‘abnormal’ reactions, the therapist would randomly shine a blinding light into my eyes, or blast an air horn.  I remember screaming and crying while my hands were forced into unpleasant and painful textures.  I remember hiding under the table crying after having honey smeared on me because ‘being sticky is part of everyday life and it’s something you have to get used to.’  Being sticky is most definitely not a part of everyday life; normal people, like they were attempting to make me, do not walk around all day being sticky.  I went through this painful and unhelpful ‘therapy’ and it did nothing; if anything, it made me worse.  Fifteen years later and I still suffer with lights and textures and noises.  
          Popular among people who believe autism stems from a physical or environmental cause, some parents are dosing their autistic children with Miracle Mineral Solution, MMS, also known as Chlorine Dioxide.  For the layperson, chlorine dioxide is more commonly recognized as bleach; yes, that bleach, the kind that is used to clean clothes and sanitize kitchens and bathrooms.  Dr. Andreas Kalcker, biophysicist and chlorine dioxide researcher, is of the opinion that not only is autism treatable, it is curable with Miracle Mineral Solution.  Kalcker claims that in the past three years the Miracle Mineral Solution treatment, which entails having the autistic person consume anywhere from one to 60 drops of MMS per day, has cured 133 children of autism (Kalcker).  This statement of 133 cured autistic people has not been verified by any reliable source, nor is a supposed success rate of 133 out of the tens of thousands of people who have been administered this ‘cure’ a miracle.
          The theory behind MMS as a treatment for autism stems from the fact that chlorine dioxide can kill parasites, bacteria, and viruses, which some people believe to be the cause of autism spectrum disorders.  Miracle Mineral Solution does kill off those things, but it wreaks havoc on the body in the process.  MMS is a dangerous poison; it would be unwise to think any good could come from ingesting it.  Even if Miracle Mineral Solution did cure autism, doctors say that it is not worth the risk.  The FDA warns people against its usage stating: “The product, when used as directed, produces an industrial bleach that can cause serious harm to health. … High oral doses of this bleach, such as those recommended in the labeling, can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and symptoms of severe dehydration” (“Miracle Mineral Solution”).  MMS can also cause damage to red blood cells, which can lead to the development of anemia and in severe cases, respiratory failure.  Well-intended parents and doctors are poisoning autistic people with Miracle Mineral Solution.  Autistic people are suffering, forced by their parents or doctors into taking this dangerous toxin.
          Chelation, like Miracle Mineral Solution, is another dangerous and unproven treatment for autism.  Proponents of this method believe that autism is caused by a surplus of heavy metals in the blood and through chelation those metals can be removed.  Chelation is performed by injecting the autistic person with the chelating agent, ethylene diamine tetra-acetic acid, EDTA, which binds with the heavy metals in the blood so that they can be easily passed in the urine.  Though not generally dangerous when used as intended for heavy metal poisoning, when chelation is used as a treatment for autism there can be severe and potentially life-threatening side effects including fever, headache, nausea, vomiting, heart failure, abnormally low calcium levels, permanent kidney damage and bone marrow depression (“Chelation Therapy”).  Chelation therapy has led to the death of at least one child; five-year-old Tariq Nadama died from cardiac arrest elicited by low calcium levels shortly after receiving the treatment.
          Even with the risks, many parents swear by chelation therapy, stating that it has recovered or cured their child’s autism.  Special education advocate and mother of an autistic son, Lisa Brown, claims that within three months of starting on chelation therapy her son Ben exhibited “lower outbursts, less aggressiveness, better concentration, much more language, reading skills, and personal control” (“Autism Mom Shares”).  Steven Novella, neurologist and editor of “Science-Based Medicine,” believes that chelation does nothing to cure autism and giving it to children is highly unethical.  Novella goes on to state:
                     Children with developmental and neurological disorders will often
                    improve as they age. This background maturing can easily be
                    mistaken for improvement in response to a treatment. There is also
                    the numerous psychological effects that highly motivate parents to
                    believe their children are being helped, even when they aren’t (such
                    as confirmation bias and expense justification). The simple fact is
                    that history has shown that anecdotal evidence is not reliable.
There has been no dependable evidence that chelation therapy is successful at curing autism spectrum disorders, yet autistic people are being forced to go through this life-threatening treatment. 
          Some people believe that autism spectrum disorders can be cured or reduced by physical means, which have resulted in the following therapy methods.  Banned in the United States but popular in France is a bizarre form of hydrotherapy known as packing which involves tightly wrapping autistic people in cold, wet blankets.  During a packing session, autistic people are stripped down to either their undergarments or completely naked and wrapped on all but their head as tightly as possible in wet towels and sheets that have been soaked in freezing water.  The ideal temperature for the towels and sheets used in this treatment is a mere 50 degrees Fahrenheit.  For reference, water below 70 degrees Fahrenheit can lead to hypothermia in as little as 15 minutes (“The Facts on Hypothermia”).  The autistic person is tightly wrapped in these freezing sheets, covered with an additional dry blanket, and kept like that for 60 minutes during which time they are encouraged to talk to a psychologist.  This therapy is administered from once a week to every day depending on the severity of the person’s autism.  Doctors in support of this practice claim that it, “reinforces childrens’ consciousness of their bodily limits” (“Packing Therapy and Autism”).  Many autistic people have trouble recognizing their bodily limits.  Proprioception is the sense that tells where the body and limbs are in space and in relation to each other, which for reasons that have yet to be determined, are lacking in people with autism spectrum disorders.  This lack of proprioception input is the reason many autistic people have erratic movements and seem unduly clumsy.  Being tightly wrapped provides a strong sense of where the body is, which does reinforce the perception of the persons’ bodily limits.
          If it were not for the cold temperature and lack of control on the part of the autistic person, this could actually be a useful therapy.  Many autistic people crave the sort of deep pressure that being tightly wrapped provides, which speaks to the success of deep pressure providing items such as weighted blankets, body socks, and Dr. Temple Grandin’s hug machine.  However, the difference is that autistic people willingly choose to use those things; no one would choose to be forcibly bound in towels cold enough to induce hypothermia.  Oliver Bousquet, former psychiatric nurse and father to a non-verbal autistic boy, said that while his son enjoys deep pressure, “It is very difficult to imagine my son wrapped in sheets, without being able to make a movement. He would be distressed but he would not be able to express his distress” (qtd. in Spinney).  Most doctors are of the opinion that packing is an unethical and demeaning treatment that violates the rights of the people subjected to it. 
          In the 1960’s, prior to Dr. Lovass’ development of ABA therapy in the treatment of autistic people, one of the methods Lovaas employed was aversion therapy, sometimes referred to as aversive therapy.  One of the most controversial methods in the treatment of autism, aversion therapy involves using electric shocks as a way of curing unwanted behaviors.  In 1965, an article titled "Screams, Slaps & Love A Surprising, Shocking Treatment Helps Far-gone Mental Cripples" from Life Magazine describes how aversion therapy was used in the treatment of a nine-year-old autistic girl called Pamela who kept showing autistic behaviors during reading lessons.
                     To give her something to be anxious about she was taken to the
                    shock room, where the floor is laced with metallic strips. Two
                    electrodes were put on her bare back, and her shoes removed.
                    When she resumed her habit of staring at her hand, Lovaas sent
                    a mild jolt of current through the floor into her bare feet. It was
                    harmless but uncomfortable. With instinctive cunning, Pamela
                    sought to mollify Lovaas with hugs. But he insisted she go on
                    with her reading lesson.  She read for a while, then lapsed into
                    a screaming fit. Lovaas; yelling ‘No!’, turned on the current. 
                    Pamela jumped – learned a new respect for ‘No.’
In the 50 years that have occurred since this article was published, one would think some new, less abusive methods would have been developed in the treatment of autism, and methods such as shock therapy would no longer be employed.  Unfortunately, that is not the case; aversion therapy is still used as a treatment for autism.
          The Judge Rotenberg Center (JRC), which treats people with severe mental illness and developmental disorders, is one of the only locations in the country where aversion therapy is still regularly performed.  JRC states that aversion therapy is the only non-pharmaceutical cure for bad and destructive behaviors in autistic people.  Glenda Crooks, JRC’s executive director, says that while the shocks are painful they do not cause any injuries; however, former employee Greg Miller argues against that, stating JRC patients regularly received severe burns from the treatment.  Aversion devices today are now easily contained in a backpack like apparatus referred to as a Graduated Electronic Decelerator (GED).  The GED device, which some people are forced to wear for up to 24 hours a day, is attached to electrodes placed against the person’s skin and controlled by a remote control carried by a doctor, nurse or staff member.  Jennifer Msumba, an autistic woman, who received aversion therapy for things like head-banging and hand movements while at the Judge Rotenberg Center asserts that, "I felt like I was being punished for being born. Because I was disabled I was being punished” (qtd. in Werner). Msumba further stated, "It's so scary. I would ask God to make my heart stop because I didn't want to live when that was happening to me. I just wanted to die and make it stop."  This sort of treatment is completely unacceptable.  The United Nations believes the use of aversion therapy is torture and claims that it would not even be legal to use on convicted terrorists (Willingham).  Autistic people receiving aversion therapy are being treated worse than terrorists; in what universe is that anywhere near acceptable? 
          I am fortunate in that the treatments I have received for my autism were not of the sort that caused any severe permanent damage.  The abusive Applied Behavior Analysis and Systematic Desensitization therapies that I endured, while horrible, have not caused me any irreparable harm.  Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for many of the other autistic people who have been forced into these torturous therapies.  The answer as to whether a therapy is abusive or not can be summed up by asking the question: would this be considered abusive if it was done to a typically functioning person?  Would it be acceptable to force a neurotypical child to drink a bleach mixture to solve their tantrums?  Would it be acceptable to force a two-year-old child to perform the same monotonous tasks for forty hours a week regardless of their wishes?  Would it be acceptable to perform shock treatments on someone for moving their hands?  The answer is of course: no; this is not acceptable.  It is time to do away with the notion that autistic people are broken and needing to be fixed.  It is time to do away with therapies promoting a neurotypical standard.  It is time to do away with these abusive and torturous treatments for autism. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

Him

This poem tentatively titled Him (which I'm not set on by the way so if you can think of anything better) was written in response to some sort of challenge online.  I don't remember the specifics, only that it had to be under 100 words and feature overtones of abuse, and I don't believe I submitted it nor the two other poems I wrote for this project, but here it is:

He snuck up
Behind me
And grabbed me
I wasn’t fast enough
I couldn’t get away
I fought back
But he was too strong
I bit him
I felt my teeth
Sink into his arm
And tasted his blood
As it filled my mouth
He let go
And I ran
And hid
I could hear him
Banging about
And cursing
In the other room
I pressed myself further
Into the tiny cupboard
I got away
...This time

Friday, March 4, 2016

Transgenderism: A Mental Condition or Normal Human Variance

I don't really have anything interesting going on so I figured I would post my essay that I'm working on.  It's not totally done, I'm going to add some personal stuff (which I'll add into this one when I finish), but I think it's pretty good so far.  Sorry for the weird formatting I copy and pasted it over.
UPDATE: Here is my finished essay.  I did very well on it and got a 97%.  Only one paper left to do this semester.  I'm almost done with that one.  I chose how harmful certain autism therapies are as my topic.  It's coming along nicely.
Transgenderism: A Mental Condition or Normal Human Variance

       Transgender is an umbrella term denoting people who identify themselves to be of a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth.  For instance, a female identified person may feel like she was born in a wrong body because her feelings, behavior, clothing, body characteristics, voice, and hairstyles are those of a male. Most transgender people go through hormone replacement therapy in which they are given either estrogen or testosterone in accordance with their gender identity.  Sometimes transgender people go to the extent of having surgeries to change their appearance and their sexual organs to align with their gender identity.  Transgender people try to make their expression of gender align with the gender they identify with internally.  According to recent American polls, quite a few people understand what to be a transgender person means.  Many people throughout the world overly discriminate and harass transgender people not knowing that transgenderism is not a mental condition but rather a normal human variant.
       As a mentally ill transgender person I know a fair bit about both.  Along with being a transgender male I also have depression, anxiety, and autism.  To me, being transgender does not in any way feel like a mental disorder.  My mental disabilities bleed into every aspect of my life, preventing me from going out, from talking to people, from doing the things that normal people can do without issue.  Being transgender does not negatively impact a person from within in the same way as a mental illness.  Rather it is society that places undue hardships onto transgender people.  Most of my family does not acknowledge that I am transgender; every time I bring it up they pointedly ignore it and change the subject.  When I do push them about it, they insist that I am a woman that I will never be a man.  This is hurtful and it’s not much better out of the house and amongst strangers.  I have had people call me offensive names, I have had people move as if they were going to assault me, and I have had people yell at me for trying to go into the bathroom.  When out in public I fear for my safety.  Transgender people have a one in twelve chance of being murdered solely for being trans and the people who kill us get away with it by claiming they were so shocked about us being trans that they could not help it.  This is unacceptable.  Transgenderism is not a mental illness; we are not sick, or crazy, or dangerous, we are just people trying to get by the same as everyone else.
       Several questions have been raised as to whether being a transgender person is a mental disorder.   The American Psychological Association recently argued that being a transgender person is not a mental illness.  The association made these changes to its manual known as DSM-5 and instead focused on the people who are usually distressed by their gender identity (Basu).  This idea is re-emphasized by Dr. Johanna Olson in an interview with ABC News.  He says that doctors, therapists and psychiatrists who have treated transgender people do not align it as a mental disorder.  They believe that it is a normal variation of gender identity that causes little distress to a person who does not know how to deal with the world anymore (Burke). 
       Many experiences such as discrimination, assault and being outcasted are the ones that cause the transgender population to suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or actions and other common mental health disorders.  At a rate of ten times the national average an estimated 41% of transgender people will attempt suicide at some point in their life.  
               Because mental illness as well as gender non-conformity is still 
               stigmatized in our society, many transgender individuals suffering with 
               depression are in the unfortunate position of having to contend with two 
               stigmas, which in turn can exacerbate their mental health problems. 
               When a people who identifies as trans has internalized society's negative 
               view of them, it is often the case that they do not seek out the treatment 
               they need (Scutti).
The APA argued that according to the analytical and statistical guide of mental disorders, those who go through complex gender incongruence are normally given the diagnosis of gender dysphoria.  Ariel Williams, who is a writer-artist and also a transgender person, concurs with this argument, saying that some people explain the diagnosis inappropriately as pathologies gender non-congruence and that it should be removed.  He goes ahead to say that they are convinced that it is an essential to hold on the diagnosis to ensure easy accessibility to care.  He identifies the international classification of diseases (ICD) in undergoing revision, and changes might occur to the current classification of stubborn, persistent incongruence. (Steinmetz)
       During the 1990s, the transgender population faced social stigma from society and were placed in the same category as pedophiles.  Williams explains the reason as to why people call transgender people mentally ill is because before a person can receive hormone replacement therapy or get surgery, they must receive at least two years of treatment from a psychologist or therapist to prove that they are not mentally ill.  This means that before conducting a surgery the doctor must assure them that they are not suffering from delusions that could be causing the difference in their gender identity.  Williams thinks that these issues are the ones that contribute to the society’s wrong thinking about the transgender.  He further believes that it could be very easy if people took the matter as easier to understand.  Dr. Dana Beyer, LGBT civil rights describe a similar situation, restating that the new development outlines a clear understanding of transgender people and will help bring an end to the stigmatization and discrimination with the rest of the community (Basu).
       It is not known why transgenderism occurs.  According to the American Psychological Association, transgender people do not choose to be born transgender but rather face a situation where their gender identity is not the same as their birth sex.  An article by Time magazine outlines that a lot should be done about the transgender rights.  If nothing is done, our cultures may as well disappear into discrimination and segregation.  The transgender population should be given the right to do whatever they want, including using the restrooms of what they feel they are, male or female.  For them having a comfortable and safe place to go to and people to talk to, transgender people could feel at home and not feel like strangers when around people.  The Center for American Progress also shares similar views, arguing that a time had come to embrace change and treat everyone equally, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.  In a recent article, the issue was revisited by the Center for American Progress:
               State and local governments should put into place policies and practices 
               that treat all workers the same, regardless of sexual orientation or gender 
               identity. These policies are good for gay and transgender workers.  They are 
               good for efficient and effective government.  And they are good for the 
               American taxpayer.  The time to act is now.  (Burns, Graham and 
               Menefee-Libey 37)
However, as of today, the debate still continues, and not all scholars and psychiatrists believe that being transgender is not a mental condition.  Dr. Paul R. McHugh, who is the current Distinguished Service Professor of Psychiatry at John Hopkins Hospital, differs sharply with the APA, arguing that indeed transgenderism qualifies as a mental disorder.  He continues to explain that the condition should be treated rather than pursuing alternatives such as sex change, which according to him is biologically impossible.  McHugh emphasizes that the idea of promoting surgeries aimed at sexual reassignment among transgender people only results in more harm and promotes a mental disorder.  Jim Goad, author and publisher, makes a similar point, arguing that undergoing surgery to change a person’s sex is not the solution for transgender people.  He continues to explain that transgender people suffer a disorder of “assumption” and that this is similar to other mental disorders (“If We Can Be”).
       Society should learn to accept the transgender population as people.  Reading of books so as to understand them much better can help to change people’s views.  Language also matters most to the transgender population. Certain phrases and words should be avoided when talking to transgender people so as to not say something offensive or transphobic.  The entire community should embrace the transgender community so as to move forward in building our nation's awareness. Therefore, transgender people deserve equality, and they should not be discriminated or harassed because of their gender identity but rather the society should accept that every person is different in their unique way.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Suicide

And I shall end National Poetry Month with this depressing poem.  I wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of my breakdown stage.  And I'm quite happy to say that I'm glad to have survived and am doing much, much better.  Most days I don't even feel depressed.  Things are looking up.

Sometimes it feels like the only choice
Unless things get better
I fear I will have no other option
Choices are limited
I feel as if I would be better off
Dead
Except I can't bring myself to pull the trigger

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Pity

I wrote this poem a couple of years ago, probably a couple of weeks before my breakdown.  I was having a tough time of things and my subsequent termination sort of brought everything to a head.  I'm proud to say that I'm much better now.

I feel so alone
I wish I had someone
To talk to
But I'm terrified
That if I open up
To someone
They won't understand
Or worse
They'll pity me

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Evil of Old

The month of April is upon us once again and as you may or may not know that means it's national poetry month.  I will of course be participating in this wonderful event by posting some of my poetry.  This poem titled Evil of Old was written my junior or senior year of high school.  

A sickness is spreading
Throughout the land
Passed along
Hand by hand

It spreads like poison
Through the air
Infecting all
It encounters there

Heed my word
And you'll have nothing to fear
Even when
The poison draws near

It travels along
Through rain and snow
Refuses to die
But continues to grow

Guard yourself
From this wicked foe
For when it spreads
It brings nothing but woe

Empty your ears
Of the things that are said
For if you don't
There will be trouble ahead

Strengthen your heart
To the problems you face
Take a deep breath
Accept them with grace

Do not be swayed
By others beliefs
But believe in yourself
To find your relief

And what is the poison
That spreads through the land
Infecting minds
As it slowly expands

The answer's so simple
That no one could guess
The name of the poison
The cause of distress

The answer is anger
So simple, so true
The evil of old
And also of new

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Yes Philosophy of Life

I've decided to post my essay for my philosophy class on the Yes Philosophy of Life. I really enjoyed writing the paper.  I think it gives a lot of insight for my reasons for living.  I did much better than I expected, and received 100%.  Here we go.

The Yes Philosophy of Life

Life is worth living only if you have something to live for. 
       I am an atheist and believe in no afterlife or re-incarnation. As such I try to live for the now, for this life, because it’s the only one I have. I believe that the goal of my life should be to be as happy and well-adjusted as I can and to leave a positive impact on the people I have encountered once I’m gone. In the movie “Yes Man”[1] the protagonist Carl Allen suffers a nightmare of his friends finding his dead body and remarking that he never did anything with his life. This nightmare motivates him to get out there and to try new things; he does so and makes both himself and his friends much happier because of it. This is the reason to live: to be happy and to impart happiness to others.
       As someone who has attempted suicide and who still sometimes has suicidal thoughts the reasons I have for living vary from day to day except the most prominent of them, which never changes: The main reason I am still alive is because my family would be upset if I died. “William James”[2] states that living for others is not a good enough reason for living. I disagree; if you are still able to derive pleasure from life and other people help to impart some happiness to you and you impart happiness to them in return, why would you want to intentionally hurt them by dying? If other people are your reason for living and bringing joy to them gives you happiness I see no reason why you shouldn’t live for that.
       When I was attempting suicide, I was standing in the road trying to get run over and my boss came over and yelled at me. He said “You're going to kill yourself that way... You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.”[3] It made me realize that not only would I destroy the life of the person that ran me over but I would destroy my own life and the lives of my family and the others that cared about me. It is my right to live my life how I want to, and that includes dying if I wish it, but it is not my right to inflict unnecessary hardship on others.
       I live because I want to do something good with my life. I live because my family and friends will miss me if I’m gone and because it is not my right to inflict needless pain on others. I live because most of the time I enjoy being alive.
[1] Yes Man. Performed by Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel. United States: Warner Home Video, 2009. DVD.
[2] William James, The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy (New York: Longmans, Green and Comapny, 1931). 32-62
[3] Evens, October. "Stalking My Ex-Boss." Stalking My Ex-Boss. March 11, 2013. Accessed October 12, 2014. http://stalkingmyexboss.blogspot.com/.

  
I think it sums up my thoughts on living quite nicely.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Devil Stirs

Here's another poem from the seventh grade.  I really had quite the affinity toward the darker side of things.  I was going to a Catholic school back then; you would think that between this one and Breathless and What Is This Place? and a few more deeply depressing poems focusing on death and the Devil they would have been a little concerned as to why a twelve-year-old liked to write about dying.

I was sailing be
Out to sea
My peaceful place
Where I could whisper
The questions
Of my soul
In silence
The mystery questions
That cannot be answered
I was alone
I was not afraid
Why should I be
The water was calm
The sky clear
And I was aboard
My faithful ship
The Black Dragon
On which I had sailed
Many times before
A light ocean breeze
Danced across my face
And lingured
I laughed
Lost in a slippery stream
Of pleasure
I looked
Over the side of the ship
And saw a reflection
My reflection
It shimmered
On the liquid surface
My light blue eyes
That shown as bright
As the Moon
On a dark summer night
My pale skin
As white and clear 
As freshly fallen snow
My hair
Dark ebony tresses
As black as
A dark winter's night
It hangs in my face
Concealing my features
Creating a barrier
Between me
And the rest of the world
But if you look
Beyond my appearance
You will see
Beauty
Spirit 
Delight
My Fears
A kingdom of freedom
You will also see
A prisoner
Wallowing
In a pit full
Of death and destruction
Of hatred
But being empty
You will see
My other side
The side I keep hidden
The bad side
Fighting to get out
A somber and ebony
Chaos causing
Disaster
My shadow
Dying to cause
Havoc and destruction
To spread evil and hatred
To cause death
To forever end freedom
And to destroy the human race
The real me

Behind my eyes
A devil stirs.

Funnily enough, the appearance of the person described in the poem looks a lot like I do now and nearly nothing like I did when I wrote it.  I have blue eyes, am usually quite pale and have dark black hair that often hangs in my face.  When I was younger I usually had a tan and blonde hair that was often pulled back into a ponytail. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Interpreting Blue

I had to write this poem in my sophomore year of high school.  We had to write at least 300 words on the topic Interpreting Blue.  The teacher then submitted them to a regional poetry contest.  Mine came in second place.  Only thing I ever won in my life.  It got me a trophy and a $50 gift card. 

Blue is the sky
That blankets the world
Blue is what supports
The Sun and Moon
Blue is what holds
The Sun and the clouds
The only thing
That stops them
From crashing down
Blue lightens by day
And darkens by night
Where Blue then holds
The Moon and the stars
Blue holds them in place
The only thing standing
Between them and the ground
With every new day
Blue rises and falls
Getting brighter
And then darker
Until it’s hardly blue at all
Blue starts the day young
Full of brilliance and vigor
But as the day progresses
Just gets weaker and weaker
By the end of the night
Blue now darkened and drained
Can no longer hold the sky
When blackened Old Blue
Can bear it no further
A new bright young Blue
Comes to take over
But before Old Blue
Can relinquish hid burden
He falls down to Earth
And turns into the Ocean
And the Moon and the stars
With nothing to hold them
Fall from the sky
And into Blue Ocean
With the Moon and stars gone
The night is then over
And the bright young Blue
Takes the Sun on his shoulder
Old Blue has gone
But Blue Ocean remains
And a new challenge lies ahead
For Blue Ocean must now learn
The ways of the water
All the motions and movements
From the smallest of ripples
To the largest of waves
The high and low tides
And how something
As far away
As the Moon could affect them
Blue Ocean must learn
How to manage the lives
That he contains
For Blue Ocean contains life
Something Old Blue
Does not, can not
Nor will ever
He must learn the power
Of the Ocean
And how to use it
He must become a master
Of the water he contains
And he does
Blue Ocean has mastered
The ways of the water
And befriended the wind
In the process
For wind has many links
To both the water
And the sky
Blue Ocean found comfort
In the life he contains
And in the fact
That he no longer
Has to be alone
In bearing the weight
Of the world
On his shoulders
But he also misses the sky
He misses the freedom
And he knows
Knows what he has to do
And a refreshed Young Blue
Is pulled up to the sky
Blue Ocean is gone
But Young Blue remains
Blue moves in a cycle
Never ends
Never wavers
Just continues
One of the few things
That is constant
And Blue is the sky
That blankets the world