Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Bad Time 2
Had a bit of an episode today. A huge meltdown and crying fit along with some serious suicide contemplation. I really don't think my med change is helping at all. I don't know why I'm so miserable. I'm doing okay in school and I don't really have anything to be that stressed out about but I always feel like I'm two seconds away from a complete breakdown. My depression hasn't been this bad since The Incident. I really think it's only a matter of time before I end up back in the hospital. I think if I have another breakdown like today I'm going to have to go because I really can't handle it anymore. I'm so miserable and unhappy.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Bad Time
I've been having a rough time lately. The doctor upped my meds but it doesn't seem to be helping much plus the side effects are awful. My father is driving me insane. All he does is complain about every single thing. "I walk up the stairs too loudly. He can hear my TV at night. There are bubbles left in the sink after I do the dishes. I'm lazy. I ask annoying questions. I spend my money on stupid things. I'm incompetent. I need to get my life together. He can't wait for me to move out. I make him miserable. I think everything is a fucking joke." It sure does wonders for my mental health. And my mother doesn't take it seriously. She thinks I'm doing better. I'm fucking doing worse. Every day I think of suicide.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Bad Day/Epipen Adventure
Sorry I didn't post this last week. I had it typed up and thought I posted it but I didn't. My bad.
I was having a rather bad day and spent most of it crying in my car in the hospital parking lot. My father and I had an argument and he said something along the lines of how I make him and mom miserable and he wished I would leave. So I left and spent the day crying in my car at the hospital. I really should have gone in but my mother says I'm not allowed as they charge so much for a stay and I could just imagine getting released and her kicking me out of the house for costing her so much money. I should probably discus that with her. I called the suicide prevention and everything, which is rather amazing in itself because I hate making phone calls. I wasn't planning on coming home for at least a few days but it was really hot yesterday and I didn't want to sleep in the car so I came home at around 5AM.
Things were kinda rough this morning but overall the day wasn't that bad. I only cried some. I would have stayed in bed all day except we had company over and mom my kind of forced me to get up. I'm glad she did, it was better than laying in bed and crying/sleeping all day. Plus I got to stab her with an Epipen. My mother is allergic to bees pretty bad. Not to the point where she almost dies but she gets this rather large rash and usually has to go to the hospital. So we're outside playing cards against humanity and she gets stung. And of course she starts freaking out. I'll point out that she's rather squeemish about things and has never injected herself with the epipen and she asked me (who has never done it either) to inject her. I get the pen, read the directions; 'pull of blue safety cap and swing into upper thigh.' Sounds easy enough. I pull off the cap and stab her in the leg. Except I didn't give her any warning and she was mad because she still had her pants on. There was nothing on the directions said you needed to take off your pants. So she's just kind of standing there in shock and goes 'what the fuck.' And I'm just like 'did I do this right? Did I get you?' 'I don't know?' Apparently I did okay if she didn't even feel it. So we're all just standing there and she goes 'I feel like there's blood running down my leg.' She takes her pants off and there is indeed a rather large amount of blood. So then I had to go and clean her pants.
I was having a rather bad day and spent most of it crying in my car in the hospital parking lot. My father and I had an argument and he said something along the lines of how I make him and mom miserable and he wished I would leave. So I left and spent the day crying in my car at the hospital. I really should have gone in but my mother says I'm not allowed as they charge so much for a stay and I could just imagine getting released and her kicking me out of the house for costing her so much money. I should probably discus that with her. I called the suicide prevention and everything, which is rather amazing in itself because I hate making phone calls. I wasn't planning on coming home for at least a few days but it was really hot yesterday and I didn't want to sleep in the car so I came home at around 5AM.
Things were kinda rough this morning but overall the day wasn't that bad. I only cried some. I would have stayed in bed all day except we had company over and mom my kind of forced me to get up. I'm glad she did, it was better than laying in bed and crying/sleeping all day. Plus I got to stab her with an Epipen. My mother is allergic to bees pretty bad. Not to the point where she almost dies but she gets this rather large rash and usually has to go to the hospital. So we're outside playing cards against humanity and she gets stung. And of course she starts freaking out. I'll point out that she's rather squeemish about things and has never injected herself with the epipen and she asked me (who has never done it either) to inject her. I get the pen, read the directions; 'pull of blue safety cap and swing into upper thigh.' Sounds easy enough. I pull off the cap and stab her in the leg. Except I didn't give her any warning and she was mad because she still had her pants on. There was nothing on the directions said you needed to take off your pants. So she's just kind of standing there in shock and goes 'what the fuck.' And I'm just like 'did I do this right? Did I get you?' 'I don't know?' Apparently I did okay if she didn't even feel it. So we're all just standing there and she goes 'I feel like there's blood running down my leg.' She takes her pants off and there is indeed a rather large amount of blood. So then I had to go and clean her pants.
Monday, August 15, 2016
2016 Reunion/General Update
Greetings people. I really am sorry I haven't updated in so long. My depression has been kinda bad lately and I haven't really had the energy to write anything. I can't remember if I mentioned it before or not (and I really can't be bothered to look right now) but my therapist, that I was seeing for years and who I really liked, quit and I've been having some issues adjusting to the new person. She's not bad or anything, seems decent enough, but I don't really like her all that much. I missed my last appointment and haven't rescheduled so it's been like a month and a half. There have been a few incidents and I've been having some suicidal thoughts lately so I should probably make a new appointment. But it's been forever since I went and so now I'm all stressed out about calling. I don't handle phone calls well under the best of circumstances. I need to discuss changing or adding my anxiety meds when I see my psychiatrist in September.
On a more positive note I did quite well in my sociology class this summer and passed with an A. School starts back up for fall semester on Monday. I was supposed to be taking history and English Lit but my English course got cancelled, which I was quite pissed about because as an English Lit major I need like 4 Lit classes and they waited until ten days before the semester starts to cancel it so the available class options were pretty slim. I signed up for a psychology course as my replacement though and once I finish that I'll be done with all my social/behavioral credits.
We had the family reunion at the end of July. It was a lot of fun. Bonnie came but the only other relative I get along with well couldn't make it. We had my step-father's annoying family down as well to come to the reunion. Which I don't understand and didn't like because they are not part of the 'Cronwell' family. It's a family reunion, and they are not part of that family, I don't know why my mother invited them. And dad pitched a fit because he didn't want Bonnie, who admittedly is a little weird, around his precious daughter and granddaughters. Because his family came down, especially because they brought an extra person without telling us before hand, we were short 2 beds. We were already going to be short one but I had volunteered mine to Bonnie so she could stay with us and slept in my closet. I don't like people to begin with and because of my autism I don't like change or unexpected things happening so it was just really stressful for me when everyone was in the house.
Bonnie and I went to the Zoo on Friday morning as she hadn't gone since she was a kid. They updated the aquarium in 2015 and I've been to the zoo since then but there was always a huge line to go though the aquarium so I hadn't been through yet. It's pretty cool. By the time we were mostly done at the zoo my mother was calling and nagging me about when we were getting back to the house as we told her we would go and help her set up. It was only like 1:30 and we said we'd be back around 2ish so I don't know what she was complaining about but whatever. We went out and set up and spent a few hours hanging out in the pool before going back home. Because we'd gone to the zoo, the cookies I was supposed to make got pushed to kinda the last minute and we ended up baking until like 11:30 that night. Got them done though and people enjoyed them.
The reunion was great. We had it at my mother's friends "John and Michelle's." We've had it there before, I believe this was the third time though it could be the fourth, I had my graduation party there. They live a bit out in the country and have a large pool, hot tub and pond with a paddle-boat. Since I don't really like that many people and crowds stress me out, I spent most of the day swimming and taking with my aunt, grandmother, mother, Michelle, and Bonnie. There were a few games, a pinata, the white elephant. My cousin 'Bob' got stuck with this horrid unicorn plaque thing that I found at The Store for $4. It was the ugliest thing I could find. I'll see if we took a picture. It was truly awful. He said he was going to use it as a boat anchor.
The first week of August was spent watching my aunts' house as they went on holiday to Florida. Eight whole days of hanging out with Titus and being away from my father. It was nice. (Plus I got paid $100 of which half went into my Christmas fund and the other half, because I'm terrible at managing money, was spent on buying a bunch of video games off of eBay.) The first four days were spent studying (and by studying I mean mostly playing Skyrim and reading books with only a minimal amount of time spent actually studying) for my final exam in sociology but after that it was quite relaxing. I love hanging out with Titus, almost as much as I loved Nicky. Only thing I don't really like about him is that he snores like a fucking hippo and as soon as you make even the slightest movement like you're getting up in the morning, even if you're still asleep, he gets super hyper and starts racing around the room and jumping on you. Can't say how many times I've been woken up by his feet jabbing into my kidneys. Other than that though he's great, a big baby.
On a more positive note I did quite well in my sociology class this summer and passed with an A. School starts back up for fall semester on Monday. I was supposed to be taking history and English Lit but my English course got cancelled, which I was quite pissed about because as an English Lit major I need like 4 Lit classes and they waited until ten days before the semester starts to cancel it so the available class options were pretty slim. I signed up for a psychology course as my replacement though and once I finish that I'll be done with all my social/behavioral credits.
We had the family reunion at the end of July. It was a lot of fun. Bonnie came but the only other relative I get along with well couldn't make it. We had my step-father's annoying family down as well to come to the reunion. Which I don't understand and didn't like because they are not part of the 'Cronwell' family. It's a family reunion, and they are not part of that family, I don't know why my mother invited them. And dad pitched a fit because he didn't want Bonnie, who admittedly is a little weird, around his precious daughter and granddaughters. Because his family came down, especially because they brought an extra person without telling us before hand, we were short 2 beds. We were already going to be short one but I had volunteered mine to Bonnie so she could stay with us and slept in my closet. I don't like people to begin with and because of my autism I don't like change or unexpected things happening so it was just really stressful for me when everyone was in the house.
Bonnie and I went to the Zoo on Friday morning as she hadn't gone since she was a kid. They updated the aquarium in 2015 and I've been to the zoo since then but there was always a huge line to go though the aquarium so I hadn't been through yet. It's pretty cool. By the time we were mostly done at the zoo my mother was calling and nagging me about when we were getting back to the house as we told her we would go and help her set up. It was only like 1:30 and we said we'd be back around 2ish so I don't know what she was complaining about but whatever. We went out and set up and spent a few hours hanging out in the pool before going back home. Because we'd gone to the zoo, the cookies I was supposed to make got pushed to kinda the last minute and we ended up baking until like 11:30 that night. Got them done though and people enjoyed them.
The reunion was great. We had it at my mother's friends "John and Michelle's." We've had it there before, I believe this was the third time though it could be the fourth, I had my graduation party there. They live a bit out in the country and have a large pool, hot tub and pond with a paddle-boat. Since I don't really like that many people and crowds stress me out, I spent most of the day swimming and taking with my aunt, grandmother, mother, Michelle, and Bonnie. There were a few games, a pinata, the white elephant. My cousin 'Bob' got stuck with this horrid unicorn plaque thing that I found at The Store for $4. It was the ugliest thing I could find. I'll see if we took a picture. It was truly awful. He said he was going to use it as a boat anchor.
The first week of August was spent watching my aunts' house as they went on holiday to Florida. Eight whole days of hanging out with Titus and being away from my father. It was nice. (Plus I got paid $100 of which half went into my Christmas fund and the other half, because I'm terrible at managing money, was spent on buying a bunch of video games off of eBay.) The first four days were spent studying (and by studying I mean mostly playing Skyrim and reading books with only a minimal amount of time spent actually studying) for my final exam in sociology but after that it was quite relaxing. I love hanging out with Titus, almost as much as I loved Nicky. Only thing I don't really like about him is that he snores like a fucking hippo and as soon as you make even the slightest movement like you're getting up in the morning, even if you're still asleep, he gets super hyper and starts racing around the room and jumping on you. Can't say how many times I've been woken up by his feet jabbing into my kidneys. Other than that though he's great, a big baby.
That's pretty much all that I've been doing. I bought a new computer as my old one was purchased in 2011 and I really think it was about to fall apart. My hermit crabs are doing well. I've got a new one I named Merlin. I wanted to get three more and name them Porthos, Athos and, Aramis but I went to four different shops and they either had giant ones or none at all and the last place had one and it was the right size so Merlin became a part of the colony. I may still get three more and name them after the musketeers. I'll try to update withing the next couple of weeks.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
General Update
All of these things happened between July 18th and September 1st.
Had a little bit of a rough patch about a month and a half ago. My step dad and I sometimes don't get along well and we clashed a bit. He was screaming that I needed to move out and I was screaming that I wasn't going anywhere and that I'd rather die than be homeless. And he was going on and on about how it's his house, and I'm driving him crazy and I ruined his marriage. And I'm freaking out because I don't have anywhere else to go. So I grabbed this knife and said if he wanted me out of his life that bad I'd stab myself in the throat and he'd never have to deal with me again. And Mom's crying and telling me that I didn't ruin their marriage and I didn't have to go anywhere and trying to get the knife away from me and yelling at him to shut up. I was totally freaking out. I really probably should have gone into the hospital but after I calmed down I was mostly okay and didn't end up going.
This part is kind of gross so if you're squeamish you may want to skip to the next paragraph. A few days after the above incident I went upstairs at 11;30 to find my mother sobbing in the kitchen. The end of her finger was completely black and swollen so I ended up taking her to the emergency room. The doctor numbed it up and then sliced the skin open right above her finger nail and all kinds caramel colored pus and blood shot out. It was awesome. Mom's really not into stuff like that and covered her face the entire time so she wouldn't have to see. The doctor said if I liked stuff like that I should consider going into the medical field. I took her to her GP the next day and they ran some blood work and it turns out she has MRSA.
My grandmother has diabetes and lately her blood sugar has been bottoming out. The day after all of the above happened with mom I had to spend the night at grandma's because her sugar bottomed out and the paramedics wouldn't let her stay home unless someone came over. Well I was the lucky person that gave up my evening to go over there. Normally I would have been happy to do so but it was Thursday night and ten minutes before Impractical Jokers came on. I watch one show on TV and somehow it always gets interrupted. So she calls me and asks if I can come over I said I would but could she wait an hour so I could watch my show first and the paramedics said no. I drove all the way over there missing my show and the pie I had made, and had to sleep in the uncomfortable bed and then she bitched about taking me out to breakfast the next morning. Ungrateful much? I ended up watching the episode on iTunes the next day while eating my special peanut butter pie but it was still an inconvenience. When I told my therapist the above happening she both laughed and said it was inconsiderate of me to have asked if I could watch my show before going over.
On a more positive note (or would it be negative?) it has yet to be seen how it plays out long term, but Voloyda and I have mutually decided on a platonic relationship. We decided to separate two months ago with no hard feeling on either side and it has gone quite well. We still hang out occasionally as friends and there have been no issues, apparently he's been seeing someone new. I've also been going out with a new partner. I met them (preferred pronoun they/them/their) online in a genderfluid group and found out they live in my city so we've been out several times. I shall call them 'S' for simplicity. We attended Pride together which was fun and I learned how to drive a stick shift after S got too buzzed to drive us back to my house.
I am quite happy to say that I am officially over David as my special interest. I thought Impractical Jokers would replace him but it hasn't and now I've been special interest-less and it's so boring. What the hell am I supposed to do all day without a special interest to occupy me? I've been looking into things but so far nothing has stuck. Hopefully I'll find something soon because life is rather boring with only my minor special interests to occupy me.
Had a little bit of a rough patch about a month and a half ago. My step dad and I sometimes don't get along well and we clashed a bit. He was screaming that I needed to move out and I was screaming that I wasn't going anywhere and that I'd rather die than be homeless. And he was going on and on about how it's his house, and I'm driving him crazy and I ruined his marriage. And I'm freaking out because I don't have anywhere else to go. So I grabbed this knife and said if he wanted me out of his life that bad I'd stab myself in the throat and he'd never have to deal with me again. And Mom's crying and telling me that I didn't ruin their marriage and I didn't have to go anywhere and trying to get the knife away from me and yelling at him to shut up. I was totally freaking out. I really probably should have gone into the hospital but after I calmed down I was mostly okay and didn't end up going.
This part is kind of gross so if you're squeamish you may want to skip to the next paragraph. A few days after the above incident I went upstairs at 11;30 to find my mother sobbing in the kitchen. The end of her finger was completely black and swollen so I ended up taking her to the emergency room. The doctor numbed it up and then sliced the skin open right above her finger nail and all kinds caramel colored pus and blood shot out. It was awesome. Mom's really not into stuff like that and covered her face the entire time so she wouldn't have to see. The doctor said if I liked stuff like that I should consider going into the medical field. I took her to her GP the next day and they ran some blood work and it turns out she has MRSA.
My grandmother has diabetes and lately her blood sugar has been bottoming out. The day after all of the above happened with mom I had to spend the night at grandma's because her sugar bottomed out and the paramedics wouldn't let her stay home unless someone came over. Well I was the lucky person that gave up my evening to go over there. Normally I would have been happy to do so but it was Thursday night and ten minutes before Impractical Jokers came on. I watch one show on TV and somehow it always gets interrupted. So she calls me and asks if I can come over I said I would but could she wait an hour so I could watch my show first and the paramedics said no. I drove all the way over there missing my show and the pie I had made, and had to sleep in the uncomfortable bed and then she bitched about taking me out to breakfast the next morning. Ungrateful much? I ended up watching the episode on iTunes the next day while eating my special peanut butter pie but it was still an inconvenience. When I told my therapist the above happening she both laughed and said it was inconsiderate of me to have asked if I could watch my show before going over.
On a more positive note (or would it be negative?) it has yet to be seen how it plays out long term, but Voloyda and I have mutually decided on a platonic relationship. We decided to separate two months ago with no hard feeling on either side and it has gone quite well. We still hang out occasionally as friends and there have been no issues, apparently he's been seeing someone new. I've also been going out with a new partner. I met them (preferred pronoun they/them/their) online in a genderfluid group and found out they live in my city so we've been out several times. I shall call them 'S' for simplicity. We attended Pride together which was fun and I learned how to drive a stick shift after S got too buzzed to drive us back to my house.
I am quite happy to say that I am officially over David as my special interest. I thought Impractical Jokers would replace him but it hasn't and now I've been special interest-less and it's so boring. What the hell am I supposed to do all day without a special interest to occupy me? I've been looking into things but so far nothing has stuck. Hopefully I'll find something soon because life is rather boring with only my minor special interests to occupy me.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
The Yes Philosophy of Life
I've decided to post my essay for my philosophy class on the Yes Philosophy of Life. I really enjoyed writing the paper. I think it gives a lot of insight for my reasons for living. I did much better than I expected, and received 100%. Here we go.
Life is worth living only if you have something to live for.
I am an atheist and believe in no afterlife or re-incarnation. As such I try to live for the now, for this life, because it’s the only one I have. I believe that the goal of my life should be to be as happy and well-adjusted as I can and to leave a positive impact on the people I have encountered once I’m gone. In the movie “Yes Man”[1] the protagonist Carl Allen suffers a nightmare of his friends finding his dead body and remarking that he never did anything with his life. This nightmare motivates him to get out there and to try new things; he does so and makes both himself and his friends much happier because of it. This is the reason to live: to be happy and to impart happiness to others.
As someone who has attempted suicide and who still sometimes has suicidal thoughts the reasons I have for living vary from day to day except the most prominent of them, which never changes: The main reason I am still alive is because my family would be upset if I died. “William James”[2] states that living for others is not a good enough reason for living. I disagree; if you are still able to derive pleasure from life and other people help to impart some happiness to you and you impart happiness to them in return, why would you want to intentionally hurt them by dying? If other people are your reason for living and bringing joy to them gives you happiness I see no reason why you shouldn’t live for that.
When I was attempting suicide, I was standing in the road trying to get run over and my boss came over and yelled at me. He said “You're going to kill yourself that way... You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.”[3] It made me realize that not only would I destroy the life of the person that ran me over but I would destroy my own life and the lives of my family and the others that cared about me. It is my right to live my life how I want to, and that includes dying if I wish it, but it is not my right to inflict unnecessary hardship on others.
I live because I want to do something good with my life. I live because my family and friends will miss me if I’m gone and because it is not my right to inflict needless pain on others. I live because most of the time I enjoy being alive.
[1] Yes Man. Performed by Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel. United States: Warner Home Video, 2009. DVD.
[2] William James, The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy (New York: Longmans, Green and Comapny, 1931). 32-62
[3] Evens, October. "Stalking My Ex-Boss." Stalking My Ex-Boss. March 11, 2013. Accessed October 12, 2014. http://stalkingmyexboss.blogspot.com/.
I think it sums up my thoughts on living quite nicely.
The Yes Philosophy of Life
Life is worth living only if you have something to live for.
I am an atheist and believe in no afterlife or re-incarnation. As such I try to live for the now, for this life, because it’s the only one I have. I believe that the goal of my life should be to be as happy and well-adjusted as I can and to leave a positive impact on the people I have encountered once I’m gone. In the movie “Yes Man”[1] the protagonist Carl Allen suffers a nightmare of his friends finding his dead body and remarking that he never did anything with his life. This nightmare motivates him to get out there and to try new things; he does so and makes both himself and his friends much happier because of it. This is the reason to live: to be happy and to impart happiness to others.
As someone who has attempted suicide and who still sometimes has suicidal thoughts the reasons I have for living vary from day to day except the most prominent of them, which never changes: The main reason I am still alive is because my family would be upset if I died. “William James”[2] states that living for others is not a good enough reason for living. I disagree; if you are still able to derive pleasure from life and other people help to impart some happiness to you and you impart happiness to them in return, why would you want to intentionally hurt them by dying? If other people are your reason for living and bringing joy to them gives you happiness I see no reason why you shouldn’t live for that.
When I was attempting suicide, I was standing in the road trying to get run over and my boss came over and yelled at me. He said “You're going to kill yourself that way... You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.”[3] It made me realize that not only would I destroy the life of the person that ran me over but I would destroy my own life and the lives of my family and the others that cared about me. It is my right to live my life how I want to, and that includes dying if I wish it, but it is not my right to inflict unnecessary hardship on others.
I live because I want to do something good with my life. I live because my family and friends will miss me if I’m gone and because it is not my right to inflict needless pain on others. I live because most of the time I enjoy being alive.
[1] Yes Man. Performed by Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel. United States: Warner Home Video, 2009. DVD.
[2] William James, The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy (New York: Longmans, Green and Comapny, 1931). 32-62
[3] Evens, October. "Stalking My Ex-Boss." Stalking My Ex-Boss. March 11, 2013. Accessed October 12, 2014. http://stalkingmyexboss.blogspot.com/.
I think it sums up my thoughts on living quite nicely.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Better Than Last Week
I had a pretty bad time with everything last week but I'm doing much better now. I wasn't actively suicidal but I was considering checking myself into a psychiatric facility but didn't. My mother is trying to find me a new psychiatrist and possibly a psychologist as well. The person I see now is not working and I need someone else before I have another psychotic break. Other than me feeling like I'm losing my mind I'm doing okay.
I can back home last Sunday. I'm working on getting my car repaired from the accident. My back and neck no longer hurt. Silas and I are doing well. I'm looking forward to the family reunion next weekend. And I get to get out of the house for a week by dog/cat/turtle-sitting at my aunt's starting the day after the reunion. I'm not sure if I'm more excited for the family reunion or house-sitting at my aunt's. I love my family but I also love my aunt's dog Titus and getting away from my parents.
The one problem (besides me losing my mind) that I have right now is that Voloyda is driving me mad. I know he thinks he's helping, trying to get me to go after David but he's not and it's really getting on my nerves. I could throttle him, I really, really could. At least he hasn't told me where David is.
My step-sister and her husband and annoying children came down from Canada for the holiday weekend. I'm not a fan of children to begin with and her children are more annoying than most. Especially since my room is directly below the kitchen and they think jumping up and down on the floor while shrieking is an acceptable activity at 7:30 in the morning. I am an evening person. I stay up late and sleep in and when I've been up until 4:30 I don't want to be woken up three hours later by screeching children.
I can back home last Sunday. I'm working on getting my car repaired from the accident. My back and neck no longer hurt. Silas and I are doing well. I'm looking forward to the family reunion next weekend. And I get to get out of the house for a week by dog/cat/turtle-sitting at my aunt's starting the day after the reunion. I'm not sure if I'm more excited for the family reunion or house-sitting at my aunt's. I love my family but I also love my aunt's dog Titus and getting away from my parents.
The one problem (besides me losing my mind) that I have right now is that Voloyda is driving me mad. I know he thinks he's helping, trying to get me to go after David but he's not and it's really getting on my nerves. I could throttle him, I really, really could. At least he hasn't told me where David is.
My step-sister and her husband and annoying children came down from Canada for the holiday weekend. I'm not a fan of children to begin with and her children are more annoying than most. Especially since my room is directly below the kitchen and they think jumping up and down on the floor while shrieking is an acceptable activity at 7:30 in the morning. I am an evening person. I stay up late and sleep in and when I've been up until 4:30 I don't want to be woken up three hours later by screeching children.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Presentation Preparations
I had planned a post on pansexuality for today (sorry Markus, you'll have to wait) but more pressing matters have pushed it back. Now on top of studying for two huge tests, I also have to prepare for a speech I have to give tomorrow. It appears I must tackle my fear of public speaking earlier than anticipated. I don't do speeches. Even thinking about giving a speech causes extreme nervousness. However this speech is a huge part of my grade and the professor is unwilling to make any accommodations so it appears I must present. And since I'll be very uncomfortable, I figured I would pick a mostly taboo subject and make everyone else uncomfortable as well. My topic will be: attempted suicide. My attempted suicide to be exact. And maybe a bit on the restraining order as well. I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes. Hopefully I don't faint.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The Hospital
Days until restraining order is lifted: 21
When I got to the hospital I had to change out of my clothes and into scrubs. They had to check my clothes to make sure I didn't have anything that could be used as a weapon or to hurt myself. Later they gave me most of my clothes back for me to wear but kept my shoes and belt. Apparently everyone is supposed to be 'wanded' with the metal detector thing but for whatever reason I was not. My guess is that it's because the police brought me in and they assumed he had already searched me, which he hadn't. After I changed I was taken into a separate room where I had to answer yet more questions and fill out all kinds of paperwork. They said that I couldn't keep my phone with me and had to have it checked in but that I could copy down any numbers that I wanted off of it before they took it. I had to sign off on all of the stuff that I wasn't allowed to keep with me like my phone and money and I.D. cards. After the paperwork was done they showed me to my room. They showed me where everything was and explained the rules. Basic stuff like: no touching the other patients, lights out at 11, try to limit phone calls to 15 minutes at a time, when visiting hours were, that group was three times a day and you're encouraged but not mandated to attend. Stuff like that.
They said I could make any calls I needed to. I also had to give them a password for the phone should anyone call for me they would need to know the password to be put through. My password was Alan Rickman. I called a bunch of people, my mom and grandmother and told them what was going on. And my sister and asked her if she could bring me some clothes and my pillow and stuff. And Annette and Minerva and told them I was okay. Andie came to visit me the first night (and every night after up until I was released) and brought me some stuff. Annette and Minerva came and saw me on my third day there. And Theo came on my fourth.
Being in the hospital was not actually that bad. You hear all kinds of horror stories about what happens in mental wards but my stay was okay. You have no responsibilities. Nothing you need to be doing. You get three hot meals a day, plus all the cereal and cookies and ice cream and fruit that you want. Everything you need is provided for you. You can sleep as much as you want. You can wear your own clothes and people can bring you things from home. The only thing I really missed was internet access. But my sister brought me some books and I caught up on a lot of reading. I was in there for four-and-a-half days and I think I read five books. It was a stress free environment in which I was able to wind down and pull myself back together.
I met with a doctor every day for an evaluation and talked with a social worker. How long you're there really depends on you. If you do nothing but sit in your bed and cry and don't eat and don't talk to anyone and don't attend any of the groups they're not going to let you out. I went to most of the groups, participated in the art therapy sessions and socialized with the other patients. There were people who had been in there for weeks. I was in there for four-and-a-half days. When I met with the doctor on the fourth day he told me that he thought I was well enough to leave if I wanted to, but that I didn't have to if I didn't think I was ready. I said I wanted to leave. They filled out the paperwork, made sure I had a follow-up appointment in place with my psychiatrist, and my sister was able to take me home that night. I was brought in around 5:30PM on the 17th and was released at 8PM on the 21st.
When I got to the hospital I had to change out of my clothes and into scrubs. They had to check my clothes to make sure I didn't have anything that could be used as a weapon or to hurt myself. Later they gave me most of my clothes back for me to wear but kept my shoes and belt. Apparently everyone is supposed to be 'wanded' with the metal detector thing but for whatever reason I was not. My guess is that it's because the police brought me in and they assumed he had already searched me, which he hadn't. After I changed I was taken into a separate room where I had to answer yet more questions and fill out all kinds of paperwork. They said that I couldn't keep my phone with me and had to have it checked in but that I could copy down any numbers that I wanted off of it before they took it. I had to sign off on all of the stuff that I wasn't allowed to keep with me like my phone and money and I.D. cards. After the paperwork was done they showed me to my room. They showed me where everything was and explained the rules. Basic stuff like: no touching the other patients, lights out at 11, try to limit phone calls to 15 minutes at a time, when visiting hours were, that group was three times a day and you're encouraged but not mandated to attend. Stuff like that.
They said I could make any calls I needed to. I also had to give them a password for the phone should anyone call for me they would need to know the password to be put through. My password was Alan Rickman. I called a bunch of people, my mom and grandmother and told them what was going on. And my sister and asked her if she could bring me some clothes and my pillow and stuff. And Annette and Minerva and told them I was okay. Andie came to visit me the first night (and every night after up until I was released) and brought me some stuff. Annette and Minerva came and saw me on my third day there. And Theo came on my fourth.
Being in the hospital was not actually that bad. You hear all kinds of horror stories about what happens in mental wards but my stay was okay. You have no responsibilities. Nothing you need to be doing. You get three hot meals a day, plus all the cereal and cookies and ice cream and fruit that you want. Everything you need is provided for you. You can sleep as much as you want. You can wear your own clothes and people can bring you things from home. The only thing I really missed was internet access. But my sister brought me some books and I caught up on a lot of reading. I was in there for four-and-a-half days and I think I read five books. It was a stress free environment in which I was able to wind down and pull myself back together.
I met with a doctor every day for an evaluation and talked with a social worker. How long you're there really depends on you. If you do nothing but sit in your bed and cry and don't eat and don't talk to anyone and don't attend any of the groups they're not going to let you out. I went to most of the groups, participated in the art therapy sessions and socialized with the other patients. There were people who had been in there for weeks. I was in there for four-and-a-half days. When I met with the doctor on the fourth day he told me that he thought I was well enough to leave if I wanted to, but that I didn't have to if I didn't think I was ready. I said I wanted to leave. They filled out the paperwork, made sure I had a follow-up appointment in place with my psychiatrist, and my sister was able to take me home that night. I was brought in around 5:30PM on the 17th and was released at 8PM on the 21st.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
The Police/Rescue Mental Health
Days until restraining order is lifted: 28
I was standing in the parking lot when the police car pulled up. I tried to go to my car but he saw me. I was dodging through the parked cars and he was following me. He caught up with me and slammed me against one of the cars. I really, really do not like to be touched and was totally freaking out. (When I was still working at The Store one of the new people touched me one time and I freaked out. They got all offended and told, I think it was either Annette or Minerva, and they were like 'What? You can't touch October. You'll set off a panic attack. She doesn't let anyone touch her.') The cop was putting the cuffs on me when the owner of the car came up. She had this look like what the fuck is going on. I was fighting against the cop. Screaming and thrashing around. I kicked him in the crotch. The cop was like, 'we'll be out of your way in just a minute.' He got the cuffs on me and took all of the stuff out of my pockets. I was put in the back of the squad car. (After I got out of the hospital one of my former bosses 'Bill' who used to work at The Store and who now works a few shops down in the same complex, told me that everyone saw everything that happened. Apparently I was a main conversation point over the next few days.)
The cop took me to Rescue Mental Health Services. When we got there he took me inside and asked if I was going to cooperate or not. He said if I would cooperate he would take the cuffs off. I agreed. The cop took the cuffs off, gave all my stuff to the social worker, and left. I was taken to a shabby looking room with a sofa, a TV, and a few chairs in it. The social worker asked me all kinds of questions and I had to fill out some paperwork. She said for me to stay there while they arranged for me a place to stay. Before they took me to the hospital I was able to use the phone and I called my mother and my sister. After I was done they loaded me into a van and I was taken to Flower Hospital.
Be sure to go and Like my Facebook page: Stalking My Ex Boss.
I was standing in the parking lot when the police car pulled up. I tried to go to my car but he saw me. I was dodging through the parked cars and he was following me. He caught up with me and slammed me against one of the cars. I really, really do not like to be touched and was totally freaking out. (When I was still working at The Store one of the new people touched me one time and I freaked out. They got all offended and told, I think it was either Annette or Minerva, and they were like 'What? You can't touch October. You'll set off a panic attack. She doesn't let anyone touch her.') The cop was putting the cuffs on me when the owner of the car came up. She had this look like what the fuck is going on. I was fighting against the cop. Screaming and thrashing around. I kicked him in the crotch. The cop was like, 'we'll be out of your way in just a minute.' He got the cuffs on me and took all of the stuff out of my pockets. I was put in the back of the squad car. (After I got out of the hospital one of my former bosses 'Bill' who used to work at The Store and who now works a few shops down in the same complex, told me that everyone saw everything that happened. Apparently I was a main conversation point over the next few days.)
The cop took me to Rescue Mental Health Services. When we got there he took me inside and asked if I was going to cooperate or not. He said if I would cooperate he would take the cuffs off. I agreed. The cop took the cuffs off, gave all my stuff to the social worker, and left. I was taken to a shabby looking room with a sofa, a TV, and a few chairs in it. The social worker asked me all kinds of questions and I had to fill out some paperwork. She said for me to stay there while they arranged for me a place to stay. Before they took me to the hospital I was able to use the phone and I called my mother and my sister. After I was done they loaded me into a van and I was taken to Flower Hospital.
Be sure to go and Like my Facebook page: Stalking My Ex Boss.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Anniversary
Days until restraining order is lifted: 33
Today marks the one year anniversary of my termination from The Store and my subsequent suicide attempt. It marks the anniversary of the day that my life fell apart. I enjoyed working at The Store and I miss it sometimes, but I've come to the conclusion that getting fired may have been the best thing for me. It allowed me to get the help that I so desperately needed. And without the constant pressure and stress that I was under when I was working there my health, both mental and physical, have greatly improved. Since I was fired my anxiety and panic attacks have been greatly reduced. And my fainting spells have almost completely disappeared. When I was working at The Store I usually fainted at least once a week, but since my termination a year ago I have fainted only twice. And both were in times of great stress.
I do not regret my being fired, nor do I regret attempting suicide. But what I do regret is the stress and panic and sadness that I caused my family and friends during that time. I am sorry for the pain I caused them and would like to thank them again for sticking by me in my time of need. Especially my sister Andie who visited me in the hospital every day and, my friends Theo, Annette and, Minerva. And David for saving my life. They helped me through the most difficult time in my life and for that I am forever grateful.
Today marks the one year anniversary of my termination from The Store and my subsequent suicide attempt. It marks the anniversary of the day that my life fell apart. I enjoyed working at The Store and I miss it sometimes, but I've come to the conclusion that getting fired may have been the best thing for me. It allowed me to get the help that I so desperately needed. And without the constant pressure and stress that I was under when I was working there my health, both mental and physical, have greatly improved. Since I was fired my anxiety and panic attacks have been greatly reduced. And my fainting spells have almost completely disappeared. When I was working at The Store I usually fainted at least once a week, but since my termination a year ago I have fainted only twice. And both were in times of great stress.
I do not regret my being fired, nor do I regret attempting suicide. But what I do regret is the stress and panic and sadness that I caused my family and friends during that time. I am sorry for the pain I caused them and would like to thank them again for sticking by me in my time of need. Especially my sister Andie who visited me in the hospital every day and, my friends Theo, Annette and, Minerva. And David for saving my life. They helped me through the most difficult time in my life and for that I am forever grateful.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
When I Was Fired Part 2
Days until restraining order is lifted: 35
When I was standing in the road trying to kill myself after I got fired, Stacy and David were outside trying to stop me. I was standing in the middle of the road in the median, Stacy was standing right on the other edge of the street and, David was standing a bit further back at the edge of the parking lot. Stacy was talking to me trying to get me to go back inside. The cars were speeding by at 50 miles an hour. A car came speeding up and I feinted as if I was going to step in front of it. I remember Stacy gasped and yelled at me to get out of the street. I stepped back onto the divider. Eventually there was a lull in traffic and Stacy came over and dragged me out of the road. And then I was talking to David; he was yelling at me. I remember he said, "You're going to kill yourself that way? By having someone run you over? How do you think that person would feel, living with having killed someone? You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard." It made me think. And it stopped me from going back into the street.
I went inside with them. They brought me up to the office and stood in front of the door so I couldn't leave. The store manager "Marigold" was in there. Stacy said to call the police because I had just tried to kill myself. I didn't want to get locked up. I panicked. I told them to get out of my way. Stacy said that she wasn't going to move. I tried to force myself between them. Marigold said she had to, that they couldn't keep me in there against my will. Stacy was arguing 'but she just tried to kill herself.' I was angry and wanted out of that room. I pushed Stacy and smacked David. Marigold said to let me out and to call the police. Stacy and David moved out of my way and I bolted from the office, down the stairs and, outside to the parking lot. That's where I was when the police showed up.
Be sure to go and 'like' my Facebook page "Stalking My Ex Boss."
When I was standing in the road trying to kill myself after I got fired, Stacy and David were outside trying to stop me. I was standing in the middle of the road in the median, Stacy was standing right on the other edge of the street and, David was standing a bit further back at the edge of the parking lot. Stacy was talking to me trying to get me to go back inside. The cars were speeding by at 50 miles an hour. A car came speeding up and I feinted as if I was going to step in front of it. I remember Stacy gasped and yelled at me to get out of the street. I stepped back onto the divider. Eventually there was a lull in traffic and Stacy came over and dragged me out of the road. And then I was talking to David; he was yelling at me. I remember he said, "You're going to kill yourself that way? By having someone run you over? How do you think that person would feel, living with having killed someone? You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard." It made me think. And it stopped me from going back into the street.
I went inside with them. They brought me up to the office and stood in front of the door so I couldn't leave. The store manager "Marigold" was in there. Stacy said to call the police because I had just tried to kill myself. I didn't want to get locked up. I panicked. I told them to get out of my way. Stacy said that she wasn't going to move. I tried to force myself between them. Marigold said she had to, that they couldn't keep me in there against my will. Stacy was arguing 'but she just tried to kill herself.' I was angry and wanted out of that room. I pushed Stacy and smacked David. Marigold said to let me out and to call the police. Stacy and David moved out of my way and I bolted from the office, down the stairs and, outside to the parking lot. That's where I was when the police showed up.
Be sure to go and 'like' my Facebook page "Stalking My Ex Boss."
Saturday, February 8, 2014
When I Was Fired Part 1
Days until restraining order is lifted: 42
On the day I was fired I was on my way to The Store when my mother called me and told me that my aunt had died. So by the time I got to work I was rather upset. Though I don't know why I reacted the way I did. I didn't really know her like at all. I guess that is what some people would call 'the straw that broke the camel's back.' I was already on a downward spiral and this was the breaking point. I got to work and I was talking to Stacy. I cursed about something and she left. A few minutes later she came back and told me I had to go up to the office. Stacy followed me up there. She told me that someone had complained about my cursing. David was sitting at one of the desks and told me to sit down. I asked if I was being fired. He told me I was. I could feel a panic attack coming on. My heartbeat was rapidly increasing and it was becoming difficult to breathe. And then a great calm came over me. Like everything would be okay. My heartbeat and breathing returned to normal. (This is apparently what a psychotic break feels like. So if you end up feeling like this it's probably not a good sign.) David was talking; I don't really remember what he said. I said okay, stood up and calmly walked out of the office to my car. I wrote a note to my mother, went inside, gave it to Annette and asked her to make sure my mother got it. I went back outside, walked out to the road and while standing in the median I called my mother. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry. I hung up and sort of just paced in the median for a minute or so and then Stacy and David came outside.
On the day I was fired I was on my way to The Store when my mother called me and told me that my aunt had died. So by the time I got to work I was rather upset. Though I don't know why I reacted the way I did. I didn't really know her like at all. I guess that is what some people would call 'the straw that broke the camel's back.' I was already on a downward spiral and this was the breaking point. I got to work and I was talking to Stacy. I cursed about something and she left. A few minutes later she came back and told me I had to go up to the office. Stacy followed me up there. She told me that someone had complained about my cursing. David was sitting at one of the desks and told me to sit down. I asked if I was being fired. He told me I was. I could feel a panic attack coming on. My heartbeat was rapidly increasing and it was becoming difficult to breathe. And then a great calm came over me. Like everything would be okay. My heartbeat and breathing returned to normal. (This is apparently what a psychotic break feels like. So if you end up feeling like this it's probably not a good sign.) David was talking; I don't really remember what he said. I said okay, stood up and calmly walked out of the office to my car. I wrote a note to my mother, went inside, gave it to Annette and asked her to make sure my mother got it. I went back outside, walked out to the road and while standing in the median I called my mother. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry. I hung up and sort of just paced in the median for a minute or so and then Stacy and David came outside.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Before I Was Fired
Days until restraining order is lifted: 49
My restraining order is almost over, just over a month and a half to go. It has me thinking about everything that happened at The Store. I am so sorry about everything that happened. It wasn't my intention for things to go down the way they did. What happened with David, I made the man fear for his life. That should never happen. No one should have to go through that. And Annette and Minerva. It shouldn't have happened.
I've decided to do a weekly update from now until the restraining order is lifted. Every Saturday until the 22nd of March I will do a 'flashback' post about my termination from The Store and everything that happened up until the restraining order was put in effect.
A couple of weeks before I was fired, Annette tried to get me to check myself into a hospital. We went out so I could get some new piercings and I told her that I found the urn I wanted my ashes to be placed in. It freaked her out a little and she called Minerva. Minerva showed up and it pissed me off. We weren't speaking at the time and it upset me that Annette had called her. After I got my piercings we went out to dinner about a mile from The Store and Minerva started yelling at me and I got up and left. I walked back to my car at The Store and drove home. Annette kept calling me, asking me to come back. She even offered to come over to my house and pick me up. I told her no. That if I really needed help I would call her and that I was thinking about taking a leave of absence in April to check myself in and try to pull myself together. Minerva and I made up a few days later and everything went back to normal. At least until I was fired.
My restraining order is almost over, just over a month and a half to go. It has me thinking about everything that happened at The Store. I am so sorry about everything that happened. It wasn't my intention for things to go down the way they did. What happened with David, I made the man fear for his life. That should never happen. No one should have to go through that. And Annette and Minerva. It shouldn't have happened.
I've decided to do a weekly update from now until the restraining order is lifted. Every Saturday until the 22nd of March I will do a 'flashback' post about my termination from The Store and everything that happened up until the restraining order was put in effect.
A couple of weeks before I was fired, Annette tried to get me to check myself into a hospital. We went out so I could get some new piercings and I told her that I found the urn I wanted my ashes to be placed in. It freaked her out a little and she called Minerva. Minerva showed up and it pissed me off. We weren't speaking at the time and it upset me that Annette had called her. After I got my piercings we went out to dinner about a mile from The Store and Minerva started yelling at me and I got up and left. I walked back to my car at The Store and drove home. Annette kept calling me, asking me to come back. She even offered to come over to my house and pick me up. I told her no. That if I really needed help I would call her and that I was thinking about taking a leave of absence in April to check myself in and try to pull myself together. Minerva and I made up a few days later and everything went back to normal. At least until I was fired.
 |
| This is the urn I said I wanted. |
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Phone Calls
Days until restraining order is lifted: 315
I don’t know what to do. I tried to call some friends but they won’t return my calls. I told them it was an emergency. They obviously don’t care about me. I have nothing left to live for.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Depression
Days until restraining order is lifted: 316
I’m feeling quite depressed and I don’t want to live anymore. I spent the day researching ways to commit suicide. I’m leaning toward carbon monoxide or helium poisoning or vehicular impact. I would prefer ‘suicide by cop’ but I would have to get a gun. My parents are out of town until Sunday, so if I want to try something, now would be the time to do it. I tried to call some friends but they wouldn’t return my calls. Oh well. It doesn’t matter anymore anyway. Will post tomorrow if I make it through the night.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Suicide Support Group
Days until restraining order is lifted: 329
My half-sister Andie called me today to tell me about a support group for suicidal people. It meets once a month and is right down the street from my house. She said she thought it would be good for me, that maybe I could make some friends. Because we all know I’m not miserable enough I should go hang out with a group of other suicidal people. Maybe we can swap ideas. That sounds like a brilliant plan. LOL. Maybe I’ll go. It would be nice to meet some people who know what I’m going through. The reason Annette and I got along so well was because she has a lot of the same issues I do. I don’t know; might be worth checking out.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Conversation with Voloyda 3
Days until restraining order is lifted: 336
I updated my Facebook status that I was ‘happy to be alive.’ Not even thirty seconds after posting it I received a call from Theo asking what was wrong and if I was going to kill myself. Apparently he found my happiness very suspicious. I was actually just happy. That happiness lasted all of 23 minutes until Voloyda began posting shit. Here is the conversation that ensued:
O: Happy to be alive.
V: Sorry for saying I was going to kill you
O: Um. Thank you. I guess.
V: Your not going to file a restraining order rite
O: No.
V: Why not
O: Because that would be rude.
V: Bet you wish David was of the same opinion
O: To be fair the man was being followed.
V: But not by you.
O: I know that. You know that. David does not know that.
V: You could’ve told him
O: He wouldn’t have believed me. And it’s really not that hard to stay away from someone I have no interest in.
V: I guess
O: I do miss going to The Store though. And Annette.
V: Sorry for saying I was going to kill you
O: Um. Thank you. I guess.
V: Your not going to file a restraining order rite
O: No.
V: Why not
O: Because that would be rude.
V: Bet you wish David was of the same opinion
O: To be fair the man was being followed.
V: But not by you.
O: I know that. You know that. David does not know that.
V: You could’ve told him
O: He wouldn’t have believed me. And it’s really not that hard to stay away from someone I have no interest in.
V: I guess
O: I do miss going to The Store though. And Annette.
O: And the restraining order is the only thing that’s keeping me alive.
V: Why
O: Due to the restraining order I can’t purchase a gun
V: Why
O: Due to the restraining order I can’t purchase a gun
V: There are other ways to get a gun
O: Why so if I fail to die, I end up with a felony weapons violation. I’m crazy not stupid.
V: Please don’t kill yourself
O: I have no intention of dying anytime soon
V: We should go on a date
O: Why so if I fail to die, I end up with a felony weapons violation. I’m crazy not stupid.
V: Please don’t kill yourself
O: I have no intention of dying anytime soon
V: We should go on a date
O: NO
V: Fine be that way. I hate you
There goes my good mood. Every conversation we have ends with him either calling me a ‘stupid bitch’ or saying ‘Fine be that way. I hate you.’ He’s like a fucking four-year-old who doesn’t get his way. It’s irritating.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Everyone Hates Me
Everyone hates me. Annette has filed a restraining order against me and no one else at The Store will return my calls. It would have been better if David let me be run over. Instead he had to be a fucking hero and save my life. I hate that man. He should have just let me die.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The Alleyway
I am currently waiting outside of David’s apartment. He refuses to speak with me and I have been banned from The Store. So running into him outside of work is basically the only chance I have to deliver the letter I wrote him. My plan is to hide in the alleyway and jump out and try to get him to hit me with his car. If he hits me he’ll have to get out and check if he killed me. It's a win-win. Either he hits me and I get to deliver the letter I wrote him or he hits me hard enough to kill me and I die and he would still get the letter eventually. It’s a brilliant plan.
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