30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Day 3

Talk about relationships, both platonic and romantic. Do you have anyone special in your life? Have your relationships been affected by your being autistic? Have you found it hard to make and maintain friendships? Do you have a lot of friends or very few?

For someone my age, I believe I’ve had fewer romantic relationships than is common. With the exception of Voloyda, the majority of my romantic relationships have ended because my datemates think I’m strange, which I suppose I am. People say that I’m weird and I like to state that I’m perfectly normal for an autistic person. I’ve not seriously dated anyone since I received my diagnosis, but I’m thinking that when I do start dating again it might go a bit easier now that I was an explanation for my odd behaviors.

I’ve never really been able to make and maintain friendships. Especially when I was little, I just never really fit in and the other kids thought I was weird. As I got older and my social anxiety worsened, I stopped trying. By the time I got to high school, I didn’t talk to any of my classmates. It was to the point where I was talking to my teacher and a girl I had been in classes with for two years told me that up until that point she thought I was mute because she had literally never heard me say anything.

I don’t have many friends, I’m friendly with a few people online but my only in person friends are Theo and Voloyda. Theo’s been my BFF ever since we met in the seventh grade. We were attending a school for kids with ADHD and Asperger’s and we clicked right away. I’ve known Voloyda since I was 15, it’s kind of been the ten-year on-again-off-again relationship. He’s a good friend, for the most part, and he was a good partner when we dated. I had friends from work but those kind of tapered off after I got fired. I’ve never really been one to ‘keep in touch’ and it felt awkward trying to keep it going after everything that happened.

Though I don’t have many friends, I wouldn’t really say I’m lonely; I like being alone. I do wish I had a few more people to hang out with but for the most part I’m pretty content. People don’t get me and it kind of seems like a waste of time to expend energy trying to achieve and maintain friendships that will most likely end when the person deems me ‘too weird or boring.’

General Update - February 2017

I know I haven't updated in literally forever I've just been kind of lazy I guess.  I'll make an effort to update a bit more regularly.  For now since so much time has passed I'm just going to do a sort of short general post about the major stuff that has happened and may do some other updates about specific incidents if I can recall enough info.

• My depression has been a lot better since my med change.  No not nearly as many suicidal thoughts and my anxiety has improved as well. 
• I'm adjusting to my new therapist.  She's okay but she's not the same as Rachel and it still just feels kind of off.
• School is going well.  Passed my classes from last semester with A's and I'm doing well this semester.  I'm taking Multicultural Lit and my second remedial algebra class.  Thankfully after I finish this math class I only need one college algebra credit for my major.
• I won second place in my schools writing contest which my current Lit professor embarrassed me about by announcing it in front of the entire class.  I hadn't even known I'd come in second so that was really fucking awkward.
• I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• There's still been no news about my father's estate which I'm quite pissed off about at this point as it should have been settled a year ago.
• My stepfather has been having some medical issues lately.  Two weeks ago his tongue swelled up and then today he had some sort of seizure/fainting spell.
• My current special interest is the Lion Guard and I'm super excited for the final episode of the first season this Friday.
• I absolutely love the Fantastic Beasts movie and cant wait to get it when it comes out.  If you haven't seen it I strongly recommend it.  My favorite character is Credence.
• My friend/ex-boyfriend just revealed to me that he is sexually attracted to children, which really fucking grosses me out. He says he's not done anything but I reported it to the police just in case. I don't want to feel responsible if something happens.  I have enough shit of my own going on. I'm really unclear as to what I'm going to do about that situation.
• Alan Rickman's birthday is today and as per tradition I have binge watched Alan Rickman movies and baked a cake (which is technically for my grandmother's birthday tomorrow.)
• Voloyda is doing fine.  We've hung out a few times but he's not done anything noteworthy 

That's about it.  All I can think of at the moment anyway.  I may expand on some of the things listed above in their own posts if I feel inclined or if there's something specific you want to hear more about leave a comment and I'll make sure to expand on it.

Conversation with Voloyda 28

Actually, after I looked through the blog, it seems I never posted the one stating Voloyda was mentally ill.  I just found it, typed up but never posted.  The lost post, all the way back from September of ‘14.  I meant to post it a few days after Conversation with Voloyda 27 but I must have forgot.  Oops, my bad.  I give you the long, long overdue post of Conversation with Voloyda 28.

V: You know how at first I said Connery was his son that died and you said if he lost a child that was very sad and then I said that Connery wasn’t his son and that he wasn’t dead?

O: Yes.

V: Well it turns out that Connery was his son and while he isn’t dead, David did ‘lose’ him in a sense.  Apparently Connery is his son from his second wife and David abandoned him as well.  Just like he did to his first wife and children.  He seems to make a habit of it.  A man that doesn’t stand by his children is no man at all; he’s a coward and a blackguard and does not deserve respect.

O: Really?  If that’s true it’s fucked up.

V: I’m telling you there’s something really not right about that man.

O: There’s something really not right about you as well.

V: Say what you will about me but at least I take care of my responsibilities.  Family is more important than anything.

O: Says the man who at the age of 20 was so desperate for a child he took it upon himself to hide my birth control pills and when I had them replaced, swapped them with a placebo.

V: Er… I don’t really have a defense for that one.  It was completely crazy.  I never really apologized for it either so I’m sorry.

O: I’m sorry but in this case apologizing doesn’t cut it.  What you did was seriously fucked up and so beyond the realm of sane behavior I don’t even have a response for it.  I’m just happy I didn’t wind up pregnant.

Sabotaging my birth control.  At first I thought it was me and that I was just really absentminded and kept losing them.  And then I found out it was him.  That was the turning point in our relationship.  It was I think the first time I really noticed there was something really, seriously wrong with him.  There were smaller things before that, but the birth control was the big one that made me go ‘what the hell?’  That is just not something a sane person does and it was something I couldn’t overlook.  We broke up not long after that. 

However, I will say, his behavior been much more stable ever since he was placed on medications for his illness (which I will not disclose because it is not my business to do so and it doesn’t really pertain to the topic of the post.)  If he says it’s okay I may tell you but at this point it isn’t relevant.

As for David’s children, that sucks.  But, and I speak as someone whose parents are no longer together: if the relationship is not working and they feel as if it would be better to separate, they should do so.  I would rather my parents be happy living separately than stay together and be miserable.

Update on Voloyda

"I was reading through the blog and it really struck me how absolutely insane Voloyda's behavior was. You say several times you were thinking about going to the police but you never did. Why not? And how is he now? You haven't mentioned him since you broke up months ago." Markus made this comment on my last post and here is my response.

Voloyda and I have a long and confusing and oftentimes irrational relationship.  As much as I bitched about him he was still my friend and I did love him.  As weird as it sounds considering everything that was going on, I was trying to protect him, I didn't want to be the reason for him getting into trouble.  And as bad as his behavior was I don't think he ever meant me any real harm and I was convinced there was something really wrong with him.  I talked about how bizarre his behavior was but he wasn't always like that.  We were together for three years, were engaged even, and things were great until they weren't.  He changed and his behavior just got more and more erratic.  He'd go through these horrible mood swings, he'd get super paranoid thinking there were people out to get him, he'd lose all sense of time, he spent all his money on stupid dangerous stuff, he did some pretty fucked up stuff to me personally.  I kept telling him something was wrong, that he needed to go to a doctor, but he wouldn't listen.  He kept insisting everything was fine that his behavior was perfectly normal.  Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him.  On here he sounds like a complete psycho but that's not how he really is.  As much as he annoyed me and stressed me out I still loved him, plus I felt bad about how our relationship ended.  

He is so much better now.  He's back to his old self.  I mentioned it before, and again, I don't really want to go into the details too much because it's not my right to tell but I ended up being right; he was mentally ill.  And now that he's getting help he's back to how he used to be.  He's currently going part-time at university.  He's moved back in with his parent's to help out with the farm and he has a part-time job.  He's stopped hanging out with some of his more dangerous acquaintances.  Since we broke up for good he's been totally cool.  No late phone calls, no hiding in the bushes, no following me.  We hang out as friends and are even LARPing together again.  It's great.  Everything worked out very well.

David's Softball Part 3/General Update

Greetings comrades.  I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.

School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing.  I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class.  Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda.  Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.  

David is once again playing on the senior softball team.  I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted).  And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there.  You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking.  I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.

As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold.  Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special.  Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him.  Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough.  A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee.  So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace.  I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.

That's about it.  The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee.  I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then. 

It Wasn't Domestic Violence

It feels like I haven't updated in forever.  Not really been much going on with me lately.  My parents arrived home yesterday.  My father's memorial service is the 7th, so I'll probably post about that next week.  At least my mom is home and she said she'd go with me.

The past few days have been spent panicking over how to explain the bruise on my face to my parents, should they ask about it.  Voloyda and I have started dating again (you can yell at me in the comments if you like, I realize it's not exactly the best idea.)  He's living with his brother, Dima, so I've been hanging out with them a lot.  Well Thursday, Voloyda accidentally punched me in the face and it left a nice bruise.  Apparently Dima had slapped him the day before and Vova's revenge was to hide and then pop out and punch him in the chest.  It worked great other than the fact that I stumbled across him before his brother did and got socked right in the cheek.

I had therapy that evening and between my bruised face and a large scrape on the back of my wrist (inflicted by the carpet when I pitched face-first onto the floor and tried to save my phone by curling my hand around it and to my chest instead of bracing myself) she asked if someone was beating me.  And then when I told her what happened she didn't believe me and kept asking if Voloyda had injured my wrist as well.  Basically the exact scenario I wanted to avoid with my parents.  In an effort to avoid a huge issue I decided to tell them that Voloyda had hit me while LARPing.  When my mother asked me about my face (I had already told her about my wrist) I didn't even have a chance to respond before she said "LARPing?  Don't expect me to pay your medical bills."  I didn't even have to lie.  Everything when better than expected.

Why I Don't Want To Know About David

I received a comment asking why if David is my special interest, do I always tell Voloyda not to tell me about him.  There are several reasons.

• Reason One: I already knew most of what he was telling me.  David is my special interest; I have quite thoroughly researched him.  Granted I didn't know everything he told me but I did know most of it.
• Reason Two: I am trying to get over David.  Having new information about him isn't conducive to that.  The more I know about him and the more access I have to new information about him, the longer the obsession is likely to last.
• Reason Three: Voloyda is crazy enough without me encouraging him.  Letting him give me information without protesting is basically like saying 'Please go and get me as much information as you can by any means necessary.'  He already ran a background check on him, went through his garbage, and followed him around the city.  The last thing any of us needs, David included, is Voloyda breaking into his house or something.

I hope that answered your question.

Break Up with Silas/Autism Evaluation

Sorry I haven't updated in so long.  I'll make it up to you, I have several posts planned for this weekend.  Quite a bit going on with me.  Silas and I broke up.  My Grandmother broke her face.  I'm being evaluated for autism.  I've been dating a bit.  My class is going well.

Silas and I broke up.  He said that he could no longer handle the annoyances, insanity and talk about other men.  And Voloyda.  I understand that I'm annoying.  I understand that I'm not totally sane.  I understand Voloyda.  Not really sure I understand the talking about other men, Silas did agree to an open relationship and I never actually went out with anyone else.  We're still friendly though, let's hope he doesn't turn crazy like Voloyda did.  And while we're talking about Voloyda, Silas and I broke up and I told Dima who then told Voloyda who then sent Silas some semi threatening messages including:

• I just got an interesting text from my brother.  I told you not to hurt her.  What the fuck man?  I am NOT pleased.
• Fucking Tosser.
• Hanging out with your girl you stupid, stupid man.
• If she has another breakdown and winds up in the hospital because of you, you had best believe she won't be the only one in there.
• Bout to sleep with your girl brother.

For the record: I didn't have a breakdown.  And I most definitely did not sleep with Voloyda.

My grandmother fell at her house and totally bashed her face up.  It was horrible: black eyes, non-stop nosebleeds, bruises all over.  She didn't want to be home alone so I ended up staying over at her house with her for a couple days.  And after I left she got another really bad nosebleed and had to go back to hospital.  And then she ended up staying at my aunts' for two weeks.  She's back home now though.

I am being evaluated for whether I have an autism spectrum disorder.  I had my evaluation appointments and now just waiting for the results.  It was basically just two, two hour appointments where they asked me a bunch of questions about my habits.  And there were several packets to fill out.  My mother filled out an Asperger's checklist for me; out of seventy-five questions only four weren't checked and those were things like 'responds to name' and 'can count to ten.'  We shall see how it goes.  I find out the 31st.

Since Silas broke up with me, I've been dating a bit.  I went on a date with this one guy but it didn't really work out.  I'm talking to this other guy.  We've been on a couple of dates and have another scheduled for this Friday.

School is going really well.  I've done really well on my last few papers.  Especially the last one I wrote.  The topic was: Is life worth living and why I am alive.  I got a 100% and the comment that I am a 'brilliant genius.'  I really enjoyed writing the paper and I think it gives a lot of insight about my reasons for living.  I may post it on here.

Conversation with Voloyda 27

Voloyda and I were talking last week after LARP and somehow got onto the topic of David’s wife and he said something about what she must have thought about me hitting on David.  This was the following conversation.

O: I would imagine it was something along the lines of: ‘My husband is being hit on by his much younger coworker.  This is not an issue because I trust him.’

V: Ha!  Yeah, no.  It probably went more like: ‘My fifty-five year old husband who’s left me twice before, who I nag the piss out of every day and, who I haven’t had sex with in three months is being hit on by some floozy 1/3 his age.  I bet he’s already sleeping with her.  If I don’t do something now it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me again.’

O: May I ask why you’re portraying his wife as some sort of paranoid, sexually frustrated, harpy?  I’ve never actually met her but I would assume she’s quite pleasant.

V: That’s what women act like.

O: That is mildly sexist and I don’t know what kind of women you’ve been associating with but most of us don’t act like that.

V: You don’t act like that.  But most women freak out about everything.  You’re much more laid back about the relationship stuff than the average woman.

O: I don’t think so.

V: Believe me, you are.

I asked Silas if he thought I was lax about relationship stuff and he agreed with Voloyda that I was.  An amazement in itself because usually he goes out of his way to avoid anything Voloyda says or does.

As for David’s wife, she can’t be that bad; after all he did remarry her.

Conversation with Voloyda 26

This was the conversation Voloyda and I had in response to my previous post.

V: Why'd you have to say it like that?  You make me sound like some kind of crazy person.
O: You are a crazy person!  No normal person would look at your behavior and think it was a good idea.  Hell, I'm far from normal and even I can tell it's fucked up.
V: You're just as crazy as I am.
O: I'm inclined to disagree.  I wouldn't do half the things to do and somehow manage to get away with.
V: The secret to getting away with things is to follow all of the small rules so when a larger rule is broken they don't suspect you.  And if they do suspect you, having the right friends and enough money can get you out of almost anything.
O: I would hesitate to call some of the people you associate with 'friends.'
V: Friend or not, there is no doubt that knowing the right people is a definite benefit.
O: Until you piss of the wrong person and wind up dead in the gutter.  No thanks, I'll just follow the rules and then I won't have need of 'friends' like that.
V: I'm not going to wind up dead in the gutter.
O: Let's turn it around, shall we?  Ivan was your 'friend' and someone you had done 'business' with in the past and then you stabbed him.  Who's to say that wouldn't happen to you?
V: Allegedly stabbed.  What happened with Ivan was a misunderstanding.  I thought he turned me into the police; you can't do that to your brothers.  And he didn't wind up dead in the gutter.  No one winds up dead in the gutter.  And me and Ivan are totally fine now.
O: Everything you just said proves how crazy you are.  First off, if you didn't break the law, you wouldn't have to worry about people turning you into the police.  Second, normal people don't solve their problems by stabbing someone.  And thirdly, I don't care how many times someone says they're fine with it, no one is fine with the person who stabbed them.
V: Allegedly stabbed.  And that was quite a while ago.  I don't really hang out with those people like I used to and I'm not like that anymore.
O: I didn't say you were.  I was just pointing out that your behavior, both past and current, is out of the ordinary.
V: So what if my behavior is strange?  Name someone who doesn't have any strange behaviors.  You can't because people like that don't exist.
O: I never said people's behavior wasn't odd, just that your behavior was stranger than average.
V: As is yours.
O: I make no objection to that; I am well aware that my behavior is out of the ordinary.

I would think following the smaller rules in an effort to avoid unwanted attention on larger broken rules would only work if people weren't already on to you.  Voloyda has not only broken large rules but quite a few smaller ones as well, which is why people already regard him with suspicion.  As for his so called 'friends' let's just say that some of them are not the most of savory of people and I certainly wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of them.  I'm not saying they're all bad but when you hang around with thugs and criminals, the chances of you winding up dead are far greater than if you were hanging out with a group of school teachers or accountants.  On the topic of other people's behavior, I am constantly baffled.  I don't know if it's because of my social phobias or what but I have quite a bit of difficulty understanding people's behavior.  I've been trying for years and I still can't seem to get a grasp on the normal social interactions that seem to come so easily to everyone else.

Voloyda's Craziness Part 21: David's Softball Part 2

There's not really a whole lot going on with me.  I'm mostly just relaxing before school starts back up again.  I am registered for classes and everything but I really don't want to go back.  My mother is sort of forcing me back into school but I don't really want to go.  That's not to say I don't want to go back ever, because I do want to go back at some point, just not right now.  I'm just so stressed out and I'm trying to find the right combination of medication, I just feel that now isn't a good time for me to go back.  I would really like to get myself a little more together first.  I'm barely hanging on as it is and adding school on top of everything else just seems like a bad idea.  I actually wouldn't mind taking one class of Sign Language but a full schedule just seems a little overwhelming.

On a more positive note, Silas and I reached our one year anniversary.  He took me out to dinner and to see The Guardians of the Galaxy.  The movie was totally awesome.  It was definitely worth seeing.  He also ran over my foot with his car two times in as many weeks.  I can now say from personal experience that it hurts a lot more without shoes on and I have bruises all over the top of my foot and strange red lines that match the tread of the tire.

I've been reading quite a bit lately and read seven-and-a-half books equaling about 3000 pages over the last week and a half.  The movie The Giver is being released next week so I reread the book in preparation and am currently rereading the third book in the series.  I didn't know Lois Lowry wrote a final book to the series and when I went to the bookshop they didn't have it so I had to order it online.  So I should be receiving "Son" along with the four other books I ordered by the end of the week.

Voloyda continues to be as annoying as always.  He was angry I ruined his plan to get me to run into David when I refused to go to his brothers' lacrosse game.  I understand his anger; if I had been planning something for over a year and spent nearly $200 on it I would be angry if it failed.  He's probably used to it by now though.  None of his plans to get me to run into David have worked.  He has far more patience than I, I'll give him that, I would have given up long ago.  I only hope that since he has apparently been in the same place as David every Thursday for the past two-and-a-half months that he hasn't done anything stupid.  As it is, I haven't been visited by the police with another restraining order or called in to testify against him for his own restraining order so he obviously hasn't done anything too bad.  Let's hope that continues.

He found out last year that David played on the softball team and for whatever reason didn't tell me then, but held onto the information for over a year apparently hoping David would decide to play again this year.  He either found out David had signed up for this year as well or just hoped he would and signed up his brothers for a game that played the same time as the senior softball games.  It's a good thing his little brothers like lacrosse; with the way Voloyda operates I wouldn't be surprised if he had just forced them into whatever was convenient for him.  He also sent me every picture of David he could find on the senior softball website and several that weren't on the website.  As for the photos that weren't on the website, I really hope he found them somewhere else online as opposed to having taken them himself, though knowing how crazy he is it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was the one that took them.  I can imagine him now: hiding in the bushes snapping photos.  

One of the photos I was unable to locate on the senior softball site.

Vloyda's Craziness Part 20: David's Softball

There hasn't really been a whole lot going on with me.  I saw my new therapist, started a new medication, my mother was in the hospital again, Voloyda tried to trick me into running into David.  Actually now that I typed it all out I guess quite a bit has been going on.

I saw my new psychiatrist for the first time and she started me on a new medication.  It's called clomipramine and it's supposed to help me with my depression and anxiety.  I've been on it for a week and haven't noticed any improvement but it can take a few weeks to get into my system.  I'm hoping that as I get acclimated to the pills the side effects will lessen.  The side effects are pretty mellow but it has been messing with my sleeping and it's totally sapped my appetite.  Since I started on these pills I've lost 8 pounds. 

My mother was in the hospital again last week for three days.  The doctors still don't really know what's wrong with her. 

Voloyda hasn't really been bothering me about David and I thought he had finally given up pestering me until his brother Dima told me Voloyda was up to something and to be on guard with him.  And of course Voloyda proceeded to invite me somewhere.  Voloyda invited me to a park to watch his little brothers play lacrosse.  Seems innocent enough, right?  Wrong!  I googled the name of the park, I'll call it "Park Park" for simplicity, and while looking around the site I discovered a link to a different site.  Again for simplicity I'll call this new site "Senior Softball."  Do you see the problem?  Voloyda's invitation was not an innocent attempt to get me interested in what I'm sure is the exciting world of elementary age lacrosse but a conniving plan to get me to run into David!  The fiend!  Well it's almost over with anyway, David plays softball for another two weeks and then that's it.  I have no intention of going to either of those games and I don't know where David has moved to or where he works.  After he finishes softball I'll have no idea where he is.  Isn't that great?  I'll never know where he is again... unless he plays softball again next year.  Either way, I won't have to worry about it for a year.

Voloyda's Craziness Part 19: Fuck My Life

Today, my ex-fiancé thought it would be funny to post a FML posing as my ex-boss who found my blog "Stalking My Ex-Boss."  What it did was nearly give me a panic attack.  I found out because a FML moderator posted on my blog's Facebook page.  FML

Yeah so apparently Voloyda thought it would be a good idea to post a FML posing as David and saying he found the blog.  Here's his post: "Today, I found out my former employee who I fired, stopped from committing suicide, and who has a huge crush on me, has a blog called "Stalking My Ex Boss" all about how she's been stalking me over the last year and a half. I'm a 55-year-old married man. She's a mentally unbalanced 22-year-old. FML"

Someone posted on my Facebook page saying they found it while moderating.  It nearly gave me an anxiety attack and I called Voloyda in a panic only for him to tell me he was the one who posted it.  I could have killed him.  After I calmed down though I actually found it pretty funny.  I check Fmylife.com every morning and would have gotten quite a shock at seeing it there had it been approved.  It also explains why I got about 8x's my normal amount of pageviews yesterday.

Better Than Last Week

I had a pretty bad time with everything last week but I'm doing much better now.  I wasn't actively suicidal but I was considering checking myself into a psychiatric facility but didn't.  My mother is trying to find me a new psychiatrist and possibly a psychologist as well.  The person I see now is not working and I need someone else before I have another psychotic break.  Other than me feeling like I'm losing my mind I'm doing okay.

I can back home last Sunday.  I'm working on getting my car repaired from the accident.  My back and neck no longer hurt.  Silas and I are doing well.  I'm looking forward to the family reunion next weekend.  And I get to get out of the house for a week by dog/cat/turtle-sitting at my aunt's starting the day after the reunion.  I'm not sure if I'm more excited for the family reunion or house-sitting at my aunt's.  I love my family but I also love my aunt's dog Titus and getting away from my parents.

The one problem (besides me losing my mind) that I have right now is that Voloyda is driving me mad.  I know he thinks he's helping, trying to get me to go after David but he's not and it's really getting on my nerves.  I could throttle him, I really, really could.  At least he hasn't told me where David is.

My step-sister and her husband and annoying children came down from Canada for the holiday weekend.  I'm not a fan of children to begin with and her children are more annoying than most.  Especially since my room is directly below the kitchen and they think jumping up and down on the floor while shrieking is an acceptable activity at 7:30 in the morning.  I am an evening person.  I stay up late and sleep in and when I've been up until 4:30 I don't want to be woken up three hours later by screeching children.

Conversation with Voloyda 25/Mother

V: You should go to David's softball game and talk to him.
O: No I shouldn't.
V: Just go and ask him out.
O: That is such a bad idea.
V: You won't know unless you ask him.
O: Yes I do know.  It wouldn't work out.
V: You don't know that.
O: Even if I did ask him out, he wouldn't say yes.  And if he did it wouldn't work out anyway so why bother?
V: You won't know it you don't try.
O: I do know.  Let's list all the reasons David and I wouldn't work out, shall we?

1. He had a restraining order against me
2. He hates me
3. He thinks that I want to kill him
4. He's married
5. His children are older than I am
6. He's 33 years older than me
7. He's catholic
8. He's on his third marriage
9. He's my former boss
10. He fired me
11. He smokes
12. I'm crazy
13. We have nothing in common
14. My family would freak out
15. His family would probably freak out as well
16. I want to have children someday
17. He'll probably be dead in 20 years

V: And despite all that you would still go out with him.
O: What can I say?  There's something wrong with me.
V: But you don't actually need to have an ongoing relationship with him.  You guys could just like... friends with benefits?  That's basically what you want from him anyway.
O: That's kind of offensive and in order to have a friends-with-benefits relationship you kind of have to be friends.  And we're not.  And never will be.  I've accepted this.  Why can't you?
V: Because it's my fault that you don't have a chance with him.  If I hadn't involved myself in your business you could have hooked-up already.
O: No, we couldn't have.  He's married and seems devoted to his wife.
V: You mean the wife that he's left on at least two separate occasions?  That wife?  He's not that devoted.  You could be the catalyst for time number three.
O: It's possible but very improbable that that would have happened.  And what makes you think I would want to be the reason for someone leaving their wife?  Besides if you forced someone to break up their family they would hate you in the long run.
V: Who said anything about the long run?  You hook up with him now and you'll have 15 years before he kicks the bucket.
O: I am 22-years-old; 15 years is two-thirds of my life.  I can't imagine doing anything for 15 years.  How is 15 years not long term?
V: Because if you hook up with him now and he dies in 15 years you'll only be 37.  That's plenty of time to start over.
O: That's actually a pretty good point.  But no thanks.

Voloyda is driving me mad; nagging me to go after David.  He keeps badgering me to go to David's softball game but as of yet hasn't told me where it is.  He appears to be listening to me for once in his life.  Let's see if he keeps it up.

My mother was released from hospital today.  She was in there since Thursday and was finally released today.  She's going to be out of work until the end of the month though.  I'm so happy she's out; both because it sucks being stuck in hospital and I'm glad she's okay and because without her here to keep the peace my stepfather and I were at each other's throats about to kill each other.

Conversation with Voloyda 24

V: OMG!  Guess what I found out!
O: What?
V: David plays on a senior softball team.
O: So.
V: I thought you'd find it interesting.
O: Maybe if I was a 55-year-old man who liked baseball I might find that interesting but alas I am not 55-years-old, a man, nor am I interested in baseball.
V: But it's David.
O: Yes and I need to stay away from him.
V: But you like him.
O: All the more reason for me to stay away.
V: You should go and try to talk to him.
O: No I shouldn't.  It's not all about me.  Does he not get any say in it?  He doesn't want to be around me and I'm not going to force myself on him.  Please don't tell me anything about his softball team.  I really don't want to know.
V: As you wish.  But I still think you should go and talk to him.

I really hope that Voloyda listens to me for once and doesn't tell me where David plays softball.  I like David and I need to stay away from him and if I know where he is, I don't know if I'll be able to.  It's better for everyone involved if I don't know.

Voloyda's Letter/General Update

It's been quite a while since I updated.  I know I said I'd post Voloyda's letter last week but I've just been so busy.  I'll give you a general rundown of everything that's been going on and then have his letter at the end.

My interview with Goodwill did not go as well as I had hoped and I never heard back.  Oh well, there are other jobs.  I have been working on my book quite a bit.  I've made some definite progress on it and might share some of it with you fairly soon.  Regarding my fear of earthquakes: they are always going to be scary but there have not been any really damaging or deadly earthquakes in Ohio since 1875.  I guess it isn't something I really need to be concerned about.

On Tuesday Voloyda and I took his nine-year-old twin brothers Alik and Kolya, Dima's son Maks, and mine and Voloyda's goddaughter Natasha to the LEGO Movie.  Dima turned 24 on Thursday and had a small party that I went to.

My cousin Ryker is trying to reach the level of Eagle Scout for Boy Scouts and put on a variety show on Saturday which I went to and it was actually pretty fun.  It lasted nearly three hours, he had a couple comedians, some singers and musicians, a couple dancers, a basketball/juggling team, and he played his saxophone and sang a little Johnny Cash.  It was fun.  He did a good job.  Everyone liked it.

Ryker after the show in his Boy Scout uniform.

And now unto Voloyda's letter.  The list Voloyda sent me in the post was 13 double-sided pages long containing mostly bitching and incoherent rambling.  I'm not going to bore and confuse you by posting all of that so I pulled out some of his more interesting statements and complaints.  Comments by me will be in parentheses.  Here we go.

1. I find it very offensive that you called me your ex-boyfriend.  I'm your former fiance.  Not your boyfriend.  It's hurtful that you discounted the seriousness of our relationship.
2. It's not really following someone to their house if their address is listed in the phone book as public information.  (I'm inclined to agree with this one.  If the information is public knowledge you wouldn't really have to follow them to find where they live.)
3. In the post Banned From The Store you never said what I was arrested for.  It was disorderly conduct, public intoxication and, trespassing.  They are all misdemeanor charges and I was only held for three days and then released with all charges dropped.
4. I never should have attacked "Kristoff" with the bat.  I was jealous and it was a mistake.  He never pressed charges though and eventually I apologized and gave him some money and smoothed it over and we're cool now.  (So you gave him some money.  Well I guess that makes it okay then.  WTF)
5. How did you find out about the messages I sent to David on Facebook?  (His brother Dima told me.  And apparently also sent an apology to David and got Voloyda to stop sending him harassing messages.)
6. I was only in the bushes for a little bit and that guy that dragged me out slapped me.  (A well-deserved slap.  If I caught someone I didn't know hiding in my bushes I'd probably slap them too, if I hadn't already called the police.)
7. Don't call me a mobster.  (What I said was that he looked like a mobster.  I never said he was a mobster.)
8. It would be suspicious to hide in the bushes wearing camouflage.  What if someone saw me?  (Because of course it's the camouflage that makes it suspicious, not the fact that you're hanging out in the bushes.  It's much better to wear a suit.)
9. The people that I had follow you were my brother and cousin and my cousin's then girlfriend.
10. I never did find anything out about Connery other than the fact that whoever he is, he's not dead.
11. I did fight the man that hit you and to my knowledge he hasn't bothered anyone else since.
12. Don't talk to my brother.  (I'll get right on that.  As if he has any say in who I talk to.  I could say some other things about his brother but I, and I'd hazard Dima as well, doesn't want to have that argument.
13. Why did you burn the sock that I sent you?  Do you know what I had to do to get that sock?  (Yes, yes I do and I don't want anything that was dug out of a dumpster.)
14. I didn't steal that trumpet.
15. I wasn't seeing a psychiatrist at the time but I am now.
16. I would be more than happy to speak to anyone you wanted me to.
17. So I probably shouldn't have looked up Annette's address but I thought you could get some use out of it.  (What possible use would I get out of knowing her address unless I had to send her something or meet her there?  Which quite frankly looks like it's never going to happen.)
18. Okay, I should apologize for the kidnapping thing.  I have no idea what I was thinking.  And in my defense I stand by what I said that I was just trying to give you a ride because it was supposed to rain.  (Of course you were.)
19. If I had dumped those guns, which I didn't, I would have indeed filmed it as insurance for the people who paid me.
20. You are so like Charlie Sheen.
21. Okay, so I did stab Little Ivan but it was only because I thought he turned me into the police.  You can't go snitching on your brothers.  Snitches get stitches.  But after I found out he hadn't turned me in.  I gave him some money and stuff and we're cool now.  (So he'll confess to attempted murder but not dumping guns into a lake.  If I was going to risk a life sentence for stabbing someone for something I would like to think that I would check to make sure they had actually did it before I started stabbing.)
22. So you found the tracker that I put on your car.  I was wondering why it said you were in the middle of the river.  Now I'm not saying that I did put a tracker on David's car or anything but if I had done something like that, I would have removed it several months ago around the time that we made up.  (Great, that is just fantastic.  At least David doesn't have a tracking device on his car anymore.)
23. The police are totally out to get me like for real.  You know some people say it and they're paranoid but no, the police are out to get me.  Ever since they couldn't get me for dropping those guns.  Allegedly.  (If I had dumped some guns and stabbed a few people I'd probably think the police were out to get me as well, and I'd probably be right.)
24. To be fair you are crazier than most.  (Can't argue with that.)
25. What exactly did you think I was going to do if I found the blog?  That's kind of rude to assume that I would tell everyone.  And even if I had, isn't that sort of the point?  To get more readers?  
26. Godson/Awkward conversation with David 3 was fucking hilarious.  I laughed for ages.  "What a lie that was."  
27. I think Dima summed it up quite nicely in saying that you need to stop going after older men because it never works out for you.  I don't know why, you would think guys in their 50's would jump at the chance to date a 20-year-old but you just have no luck with older guys.  I don't get it.  (Neither do I.)
28. I never threatened to kill David.  But if I had I would thank you for calling the police and stopping me because if the police hadn't stopped me I can't say for sure that I would have been able to stop myself from hurting David if I had made it to The Store.  So thanks for calling the cops.  You saved my life.  If that had actually happened of course.  (Right... of course.)
29. I am the sexiest cross-dresser around and you know it.  (I do indeed.)
30. By the way can I get some of the business cards.  I'll pass them out at Goth Night.
31. If you get hauled into court for a restraining order violation if they can do that now that the restraining order is expired, I'll go with you and back you up and tell them that you never did anything wrong and that is was me from the beginning.  (How helpful.)
32. I still can't believe that duck bit you.  I've never seen that happen before.  I don't think I've ever laughed that hard.  (So happy you found it funny.  Stupid duck.)

Voloyda Discovers the Blog

It's been a while since I updated.  I was busy enjoying my parent's holiday away from me.  It's been over a week since I gave one of my Stalking My Ex-Boss cards to James and there has been no horrible fallout.  I can only conclude that he didn't deem the blog creepy enough to warrant telling everyone.

Whenever I mention the blog to people they're always like 'You better hope David or the people from The Store don't find it.'  What are they going to do if they find it?  Try to file a restraining order or a libel suit against me?  The blog itself is not illegal.  I'm not doing anything illegal.  It's not as if I'm spreading defaming statements or spying or following anyone.  I don't really talk about David or the people from The Store all that often and when I do it's usually my personal feelings and opinions or stuff that has actually happened.  I don't really post their personal information or picture or anything they wouldn't tell someone.  My mother is the big one that always yells at me every time I mention it.  Yes, it's called Stalking My Ex-Boss.  It's an ironic title.  I'm not actually stalking anyone and if you read it you would realize it's mostly about what's going on in my life.  Which brings us to Voloyda.

Voloyda found the blog (With how much he was stalking me and stuff I apparently hid it amazing well that it took him over a year to find it.  I'm quite proud of that.) and bitched me out.  He said that the way I portrayed him was wrong.  And he wasn't mad about the conversations or stuff that I said about him; he just said that some of the stuff casted him in an undeserved negative light because I didn't tell the whole story.  He sent me a huge list in the post, which I will share with you over the next few days after I type it up, of everything he didn't like about how I talked about him. 

LARP/Fear of Ducks Part 2

Today I went and participated in a LARP (For those of you that aren't total nerds, LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing and in the simplest terms involves putting on costumes and bashing people with foam weapons.  The movie "Role Models" has some pretty accurate LARPing if you want to see for yourself.) battle at Voloyda's parents.  I haven't really LARPed since Voloyda and I broke up because I was on his team and things were just really weird.  But now that he's acting normally I figured it would be okay to start back up again.  It was so much fun and I have the bruises to prove it.  After the freezing winter we just had, it was nice to get outside and bash some people up.

I also went because they live on a farm and raise animals, including ducks.  And since I'm trying to get over my fear of ducks, it seemed like a good place to go and get up close with ducks.  After the battle Voloyda and I hung out with the ducks.  It wasn't that bad.  And the ducks were okay as well.  (Bad joke, I know.  I couldn't resist putting it in there.)  One of the ducks bit me (I told you they were dangerous) but it didn't really hurt.

After both researching and having some close up interactions with ducks, I have discovered that it isn't groups of ducks that I should be fear but single ducks.  There are very few records of group attacks but plenty of records of singular ducks attacking.  However, I am reasonably certain that I could fend off a single attacking duck should the situation ever arise.  I would say ducks are something that while they may make me slightly uncomfortable, are no longer something I am afraid of.

Looking for next fear to overcome.  Of the following, which would you most like to see me tackle next?  Leave your vote in the comment.  Fears I am willing to try next:
     1. Crickets
     2. Earthquakes
     3. Holes
     4. Mauled by hippos - being
     5. Poliomyelitis 

Restraining Order Restrictions

Days until the restraining order is lifted: 0

Things the restraining order barred me from doing which I can now do.

1. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT ABUSE the protected persons named in this order by harming, attempting to harm, threatening, following, stalking, harassing, forcing sexual relations upon, or committing sexually oriented offenses against them.
2. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT ENTER the residence, school, business, or place of employment, day care centers, or child care providers of the protected persons named in this Order, including the building, grounds and parting lots at those locations.  Respondent may not violate this order even with the permission of the protected person.
3. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT INTERFERE with protected persons' right to occupy the residence including, but not limited to cancelling utilities, insurance, interrupting phone service, mail delivery, or the delivery of any other documents or items.
4. RESPONDENT SHALL STAY AWAY from protected persons named in this order, and shall not be present within 500 feet or 1 block (distance) of protected persons, wherever protected persons may be found, or any place the Respondent knows or should know the protected persons are likely to be, even with the protected persons' permission.  If Respondent accidentally comes into contact with protected persons in any public or private place, Respondent must depart immediately.  This Order includes encounters on public and private roads, highways, and thoroughfares.
5. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT REMOVE, DAMAGE, HIDE, OR DISPOSE OR ANY PROPERTY OR PETS owned or possessed by the protected persons named in this Order.
6. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT INITIATE OR HAVE ANY CONTACT with the protected persons named in this Order at their residences, businesses, places of employment, schools, day care centers, or child care providers.  Contact includes, but is not limited to, telephone, fax, e-mail, voice mail, delivery service, writings, or communications by any other means in person or through another person.  Respondent may not violate this Order even with the permission of the protected person.
7. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT CAUSE OR ENCOURAGE ANY OTHER PERSON to do any act prohibited by this order.
8. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT POSSESS, USE, CARRY, OR OBTAIN ANY DEADLY WEAPON.  Respondent shall turn over all deadly weapons in Respondent's possession to the law enforcement agency that serves the Respondent with this Order.

The only one I think that may have been violated was number 7.  Which I did not encourage but I was the cause of Voloyda going after David.  The wording of the order is off, and it sounds like I could be charged with something for someone else doing something I have no control over.  It makes it sound like if Voloyda were to break into David's apartment or something, I would be equally guilty even though I would have had nothing to do with it.  The city should probably look into rewording that. 

Either way the restraining order expires today and now I can do whatever the fuck I want in regards to David.  Which is basically nothing.  I'm going to wait until at least mid-April before I mail him the card I made him and then it will be over.