My Father

Today I picked out an urn for my father.  On Monday my biological father died.  We weren't particularly close, but it still hurts.  I've barely cried.  I feel bad that I don't feel worse about him dying.  Two weeks ago he called me and we talked for a bit.  That was the first time I spoke to him in three years.  He didn't say he was dying.  

We used to be closer when I was younger.  Him and my mom broke up when was 3.  When he lived close enough I used to stay with him every other weekend or so up until middle school.  Once a month or so when he lived in Detroit (until he got arrested for DUI while driving me home one time.) We'd watch the live action batman films from the early 90's (the ones with Michael Keaton.)  And he'd give me jelly toast with coffee in the mornings.  That's one of the few things I really remember.

I did live with him and his girlfriend for a couple months right after I graduated high school.  It didn't work out and I left shortly after and moved in with my grandmother.  When I lived with him I did find out I have another half-sister.  My mother knew but never felt the need to tell me.  Would have been nice to know.  (I found her online but never worked up the nerve to contact her.)  The last time I saw him was 3 years ago at his sister's funeral service.  The only thing he said to me was a comment about all my facial piercings.

Attack of Paranoia

Today I had a complete meltdown (probably the one of the worst I've ever had) because I thought someone was following me.  They (most likely) weren't.  I just freaked out for no reason.  On the way home from my grandmother's I stopped at the store to get some groceries.  I pull into the parking lot and a guy pulls in right next to me, for whatever reason this caused an immediate sense of dread even though I did not know this person and he had done absolutely nothing wrong.  So I go in and shop and when I come out he's standing between our cars, which I thought was rather odd but didn't think too much about it.  He get's back in his car, I load my groceries and get into mine and pull out.  He follows me out of the parking lot and down a couple side streets that lead toward my house.  I freak out and call my dad and ask if he thinks I should call the police.  The guy turns and goes another way.  I still freak out.  I randomly drive around for another 15 minutes before going home.

I arrive home, unload my groceries, lock all the doors and, still can't calm down.  I look out the window and think I see him drive by my house so I call the police.  They talked to me a bit and tried to calm me down (which didn't work) and said they would increase their patrol of the area.  I was still freaking out, by this point it was like a full blown anxiety attack.  I'm usually not the paranoid type but I kept thinking this guy would come back and break into my house.  I called Voloyda but couldn't bring myself to say what was going on because I knew he'd freak out and I didn't really want him at my house.  I called my BFF Theo and asked if he would come over and stay the night.  He said no because he had laundry and stuff and school tomorrow.  I begged him to come over and said he could do his laundry here and I would take him to school tomorrow.  He asked me what was going on and when I told him, he agreed to come over.  He said he was at school but his mom would be picking him up at 9 and he would call me when they got back home to come and get him.  

At this point it was around 8 o'clock so I had about an hour and a half  before he would call.  I tried to use my anxiety room but it didn't work (mostly due to the fact that a closet with no escape route isn't exactly the best place to be if someone breaks into your house).  I also didn't want to take my shoes off or set down my keys or bag in the event that I had to flee the house.  So I'm pacing around the living room, peering out the windows, when I decide I can't be in the house anymore and figure I should go for a drive instead.  I grab a knife (you know, just in case) and go out to my car and drive off.  I drove around a bit before I decided that it wasn't really helping and that I should stop somewhere.  I went and stopped in a parking lot.  I was still really pumped up at this point, it hadn't really gone down any and I was debating cancelling with Theo and just going to the hospital.  I didn't really want to go to the hospital but I would have felt safer there.  I ended up going back home and texting the crisis center, thinking maybe they could help me calm down a bit.  I texted with them for 30 minutes and it helped quite a bit but I still wanted to have Theo over.  Even though I wasn't freaking out anymore I knew I wouldn't sleep at all if I was alone in the house.

By now it was about 9:15ish and I decided to go out driving again, since Theo would be calling me soon anyway.  I was out for a bit, drove into the neighboring township (about 5 minutes away) and they he called and I went and picked him up.  We went back to my house, hung out a bit, made chili cheese fries, I did my homework, and he went to bed.  That about sums it up.

I'm not generally a paranoid person, I don't react to things that way, I have no idea what set me off.  I do have panic attacks but they're always about talking to people or getting stuff done on time or leaving the house.  I freak out about stuff like that, not some guy breaking into my house. 

*I will say that CrisisLink is a fantastic service.  I've used them on several occasions and they work wonderfully.  They'll talk with you about whatever you're struggling with, not just suicide.  And unlike most crisis prevention they have a texting service which is great if you're someone like me who has trouble with phone calls.  Texting number: 703-940-0888

Vehicular Issues

I haven't been having a particularly good week.

Last Friday my parents left for Florida without me.  They get to relax in eighty degree weather for two months while I'm stuck here where it's so cold my car door is frozen shut.  Every time they go on an extended vacation I have some kind of car malfunction and this time was no different.

I've been having some problems with my tire.  It had a slow leak and I've been having to put air in every week.  So on Tuesday I had to go out and the tire looked pretty low so I drove down to the petrol station 3 blocks away to fill it up.  Only when I got there, the tire completely detached from the rim.  I've never heard of that happening before.  So my car is broke, I have no money, and my parents are 1000 miles away.  I, of course freaked out.  My dad made some calls but couldn't find anyone to help me until later so I walked home.  About 20 minutes later I get a call back from my dad saying he got our postman to come and help.  Postman come and picks me up from the house and goes to the gas station where he and his brother put the donut on my car.  Then I had to drive across the street to the auto shop and buy a new tire.  Cost me 93$.  And I had to borrow 100$ from my grandmother so I can eat for the rest of the month.  Worked off 10$ already by shoveling her walkway.  Dad says when they get back from vacation they'll buy me a proper spare tire, so as to avoid these types of situations in the future.

So then Tuesday night I had therapy which because of my tire got canceled and then un-canceled twice that day.  We just had a big snowstorm the other day, there's about 18 inches of snow but by that point the roads weren't bad.  So I'm driving home from therapy and the guy behind me is right on top of me the entire way down my street.  So my driveway's coming up, and I put my blinker on about 4 houses earlier than normal to give the guy time to back off a bit.  I go to turn into my driveway.  He fucking hit me.  I pull into my driveway thinking he would follow me in, you know, like you're supposed to if you hit someone.  Nope.  He just drove off.  What the fuck man?  I will say that he it my very lightly and there doesn't appear to be any new damage to my car but still.  The legal consequences of a hit-and-run are far greater than the consequences of an accident.  It seems like the logical step would be to stop.  He's lucky I decided not to file a report.

My Closet

Greetings Followers!

Been meaning to post but couldn't really thing of anything worth saying until a few days ago when Hannah M. made this comment: "Hello, new to your blog. Recently discovered it while goggling autism blogs. I'm curious as to if you finished putting your closet together and how it turned out?"

My closet is definitely something I can post about.  I'm not sure I'll have a whole lot to say but I can definitely post some pictures.  For those of you that don't know, back in August I made a post about putting together a distraction box for my anxiety attacks and also said that I was hoping to turn my closet into a sort of anti-anxiety chamber in which to decompress.  I've been working on it for a while and I think it serves it's purpose quite well.  It would have been done long ago if I actually had money to do it but I'm totally broke and so have been cobbling it together over the last five months.  It's mostly done.  There's a bit more I'd like to do.  Basically I just want to turn the one wall into a chalkboard, and add a string of Christmas net-lights across the ceiling, I tried to buy some after Christmas but they didn't work.  I'll also list where bought and how much some of the items cost.

The entrance to my closet from the outside.  My awesome pride flag covered in buttons.  Though technically that's the bisexual pride flag and I'm pan so I should probably invest in another one. Flag cost: 20$ from prideshack.com  Button cost: about 45$? over the past 4 years bought at mostly Spencer's and Hot Topic.

Front wall of the closet.  I have a small TV, no cable but it is hooked up to an old VCR/DVD player.  Also about every Disney movie made before 2003 on VHS, you can sort of see them at the top.  Clock/CD player.  I like things that light up. I also keep my computer and tablet in here.  Light up Globes: received as gifts 20$ each from Hallmark.  Fiberoptic light: 5$ at FiveBelow.  Police light: 5$ officeplayground.com  Pin art received as gift years ago but I think you can get them for like 15$.

Close up left half of bottom shelf.  Cra-Z sand received as Christmas gift was 5$ at walmart.  Newtons cradle.  Chinese ringing balls: 5$ office playground.com. Vintage Tigger jack-in-the-box.  Slinky pop tube.  Small box of non hanging fidgets contains, metal puzzles, light-up spiky ball, light up rail whirl-er, spare packs of stretching string, various other items.

First half of right wall.  I plan to add a chalkboard or white board, haven't really decided yet to the bottom half, and put a couple of plastic file holders on the top half for non-hanging fidgets. 

Second half of right wall.  Most of my hanging fidgets.  Hoberman sphere, geo-twister, iSpy wonder tubes, tangles, magic wire loops, bendeez, stretchy string, flexi-blox (one of my favorites), koosh ball.  Also two chewy necklaces and orange flavored chewy stick.  Family photos.  Fidgets purchased at officeplayground.com Chewies purchased at therappyshoppe.com and gotautism.com.

Back wall and ceiling.  Stick light purchased for 12$ at Home Depot.  Very bright and can be moved around.  I plan to get a couple more.  Glow in the dark stars 5$ at Walmart.

Back wall and floor.  You can't see it but this part of the floor up until the front shelf's is covered by a futon mattress, which is quite comfy.  I also got new pillows for Christmas so I put my old ones in here, much easier than dragging them back and forth.  A few stuffed animals.  Toucan Sam was sent to me after I wrote a letter to the company saying I liked Froot Loops.  And hiding behind Simba you can see a stuffed bear.  That is Baby Gund and he's older than I am.  My grandmother bought him for me before I was born.

 

Wall of Alan Rickman.  He's awesome.  I printed the pictures out and then covered the front with packing tape to make them a little sturdier.

Giant stuffed unicorn.  I named him Caspian.  Silas bought him for me for 40$ at Kroger.  You can't really tell but he's sitting on a bin full of dyed rainbow rice.  You can sort of see the ugly rug I have going into my closet.  When I get the money I plan to swap it out with a fuzzy blue one I found at Ikea for 40$.

Some of my favorite fidgets that weren't displayed.  Home made iSpy tube.  I took the container my fiber optics light came in, filled it with rainbow rice and small objects and sealed the ends with duct tape.  Works well and it make a pleasant noise when shaken or turned.  Carpet square taken from home depot it has a nice texture.  Balancing birds.  Light-up spinning globe.  Tangle.  Kinderemusik egg.  Slinkys,  Atom Ball.  Magnet dolphin sclupture.  Silicone pot holder, is quite stretchy and has a nice texture to it as well, it can also be chewed on.  Stretchy dollar bill and stretchy mice and cheese.  Blue and white Klixx fidget, is one of my favorites, makes a very nice clicking noise when manipulated, it usually hangs on the fidget wall.  Blue Tri-Chew also usually hangs on the wall.  iPop mini monster, you squeeze him and his eyes pop out.  Light up green spiky ball. 

Ceiling of closet under black light.  Purchased at Spencer's for 30$.

In the dark with everything lit up.

Christmas 2014

Happy Holidays to everyone.  I hope you had a good time this holiday season.  I certainly did.  I got some good gifts.  Pretty much everything I asked for.  I got new bed-coverings and pillows, a futon mattress for my closet, several gift-cards, several books, winter boots, a couple puzzles, some movies, clothes, contacts, magic sand, money, and various other items.  Everyone liked the gifts I got them.  Which I would hope they would seeing as I spent a small fortune.  I really enjoy buying people presents.

As I have for the last three years, I watched my aunts house.  Which worked out great because my stepsister and her family came down and I find the children quite annoying.  Spent some quality time away from my family.  Bought Titus a lot of toys.  He was certainly spoiled this past week.

Still have to exchange gift with my sister, Andie.  We're doing that on Wednesday.  And I'm meeting up with Theo tomorrow to exchange gifts with him.

That's pretty much it.  I've registered for classes for next semester.  Three classes.  Biology, which counts as two, lecture and lab. And English.  I really wanted to take Ethics with my professor from last semester but that class was filled so I'm going to try to take it next semester.

Why I Don't Want To Know About David

I received a comment asking why if David is my special interest, do I always tell Voloyda not to tell me about him.  There are several reasons.

• Reason One: I already knew most of what he was telling me.  David is my special interest; I have quite thoroughly researched him.  Granted I didn't know everything he told me but I did know most of it.
• Reason Two: I am trying to get over David.  Having new information about him isn't conducive to that.  The more I know about him and the more access I have to new information about him, the longer the obsession is likely to last.
• Reason Three: Voloyda is crazy enough without me encouraging him.  Letting him give me information without protesting is basically like saying 'Please go and get me as much information as you can by any means necessary.'  He already ran a background check on him, went through his garbage, and followed him around the city.  The last thing any of us needs, David included, is Voloyda breaking into his house or something.

I hope that answered your question.

School Update 3/Christmas Shopping

I passed my class with an A-.  Yay me.  Much improved from last semester.  My mother says I have to go full time next semester so I'm going tomorrow to meet with my adviser to register for classes.  So nervous about that: I hate talking to people.

I got all of my Christmas shopping done.  Purchased my last gift yesterday.  I have most of my wrapping done as well.  Waiting for my last package to arrive in the post and then I'll have all of my wrapping done.  I love wrapping gifts.  I find it fun and relaxing.  I spent tons of money this year, more than I could really afford to but I got everyone some nice gifts.  A lot of it was bought on Black Friday so I got some good bargains.  But I still ended up spending over $600.  For me not having a job that's quite a bit of money.  But I like to give people presents so I guess it was worth it. 

Thanksgiving/School Update 2

I hope that all of my American followers had a nice holiday weekend.  And a nice weekend for everyone else as well.  We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday evening instead of Thursday because we went shopping.  I got nearly all of my Christmas shopping done.  I only have two gifts left to buy, three gifts if you count a present for my aunts dog.  Who I shall be watching over the Christmas holiday's as I have done for the last three years.  It's nice to get out of the house for a week.

I only have two days of classes left for school.  We have to do presentations about who our favorite 'superhero' is.  I'm doing mine on Temple Grandin.  Mostly because we have to choose a person we can relate to, but I never really relate to people.  Everyone seems so different from me, I think it's the autism.

Obsessions

A common behavior present in autistic people is an interest in a specific subject or topic.  The topic can be pretty much anything: a TV show, train schedules, World War I, sprinkler systems, people.  In autistic people these are often referred to as special interests or obsessions.  What sets an autistic person's special interest apart from a neurotypical's hobby is the intensity and duration.  (Neurotypical often shorted to 'NT' is a term used by the autistic community to describe people who are not autistic.)  A NT with the hobby of golf might enjoy going golfing, looking at golf related gear and reading golfing magazines; an autistic person with golf as their special interest will spend massive amounts of time, energy and often money learning everything they possibly can about the subject to the exclusion of all else.

For as long as I can remember I've always had an obsession with one thing or another.  Sometimes they were normal and age appropriate (Scooby Doo, Harry Potter, TV show LOST) and sometimes they weren't (hobos, prosthetic limbs, my 55-year-old boss.)  They usually last a few years before they disappear, usually when there is nothing more to be learned on the subject or a new interest develops.  Some of them last longer than others; such as hobos.  Which my parents found endlessly annoying because apparently a 10-year-old who talks about nothing but homeless people is embarrassing.  Other obsessions come and go; Harry Potter has been probably my greatest and longest lasting obsession.  It's come and gone several times and has been my most prominent obsession for probably a total of about nine or ten years.  Harry Potter and David are my current obsessions.  Some people have said that religion is also an obsession of mine but I wouldn't classify it as such.  I define an obsession as an all-encompassing desire to study and learn all there is to know about a subject to the exclusion of all else.  An obsession takes up a massive amount of your time, energy and thoughts.  I enjoy learning about religions but I do not feel compelled to do so.  Here are my main obsessions in the order that I had them: Scooby Doo, hobos, Harry Potter, prosthetic limbs, Harry Potter, LOST, Harry Potter, David.  Still trying to get over David.  It's not that I mind having David as my special interest but I wish it was something else.  He fascinates me and I enjoy knowing about him but at the same time I know that it's weird and I wish it was something else.  It's been about two years now so I'm hoping it will stop sometime soon.  I've tried to phase it out by trying to find a new obsession but so far nothing has worked. It appears that I'll just have to wait it out and continue looking for something new to pique my interest.

Halloween/Autism Results

I love Halloween.  Didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do because I was babysitting my cousins and had to take them trick-or-treating.  It was very cold and raining.  Would have much preferred passing out candy at my grandmothers as I usually do.

Yesterday was also David's birthday, he's 56.  Which is still not that old.

I had my last autism appointment yesterday and received my results.  They told me that I have high-functioning autism.  I was not surprised.  I was a little upset.  Not upset that I have autism; I'm perfectly fine with that.  I was upset that the plethora of doctors and mental health professionals I've been seeing since I was three somehow managed to miss it for the last twenty years.  How much better would I be today if I had been diagnosed when I was younger and received the proper services?  My guess would be 'substantially.'  I was told last night by my aunt's partner who is a nurse and who works at a psychiatric hospital that she told my mother over ten years ago that she thought I should be tested for autism but my mother said I was fine.  I don't know whether I should be happy she didn't think there was anything wrong or upset that I missed out on ten years of having a diagnosis.  I haven't seen her since my appointment but we shall defiantly be having an in depth discussion about it.  It is nice to finally know what's wrong with me.  At least now I know there's a reason for my bizarre behaviors.