The Store

My cousin Ryker got a job at The Store.  He got hired on about three weeks ago.  He says he really likes it.  I hope it goes well for him.  The Store really is an okay place to work as long as you're not mentally ill.

The other day I went to The Store for the first time since they threw me out two years ago.  It was surreal.  And I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack the entire time I was in there.  I didn't see anyone I knew.  Apparently the only person I know who's still there is Minerva.  Everyone else is gone.

Obsession with David

It feels weird to admit but I think my obsession with David is finally starting to fade.  I still think about him a lot but not every day like I was and when I do think about him it feels more detached.  I still want to know about him and stuff but it's not an all-encompassing drive like it was before.  Last year I had to arrange other activities for myself during his softball games so I wouldn't be tempted to go, yesterday he played softball and I didn't even think about it until this morning.  Before it seemed like I was acutely aware of when I knew where he was and now, it's not like that, I may know where he is but I feel no need to go there.  I know it will be a while before my fixation goes away completely, if it ever does, but for now I think I'm beginning to move on.  Let's hope my next obsession isn't nearly as destructive.  Here's to the future.

Family Reunion 2015

I had a lot of fun down at the family reunion on Saturday.  This year it was hosted by my cousin "Lynn" in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  She lives up in the mountains.  The roads are a nightmare up there.  I'm happy I didn't have to drive; I'd have been a nervous wreck.  Not a whole lot of people came, not really surprising as not everyone travels, but there were fewer than expected even for an 'away' reunion.  My grandmother rode down with us instead of my aunt as she usually does.  Never again.  I love her and everything but she's annoying as fuck.  The reunion was fun.  It was way, way up in the mountains at a park.  It's a nice place.  Private pavilion, bathroom, there's a stream to traipse around in.  We'd had it there before and everyone freaked out when a bear showed up.  There was no bear this time but we were told to be extra careful as they were apparently super active in the area.   I, as usual, didn't talk a whole lot.  Only to my aunt and her family and to my cousins Lynn and Bonnie.  I'm rarely comfortable around people, even when those people are my family.  

After the reunion Lynn, my mother and I went up to the Gatlinburg crafts community.  It's all kids of craft shops with handmade items.  I got some new candles for my collection.  After shopping we went back to Lynn's and met up with my grandmother, and Bonnie and her son and his girlfriend.  We hung out and played cards and went swimming.  Much more comfortable for me in that setting.  And when I had to be by myself I didn't have to worry about getting mauled by a bear like you did at the park.  Overall a fun weekend.

David's Softball Part 3/General Update

Greetings comrades.  I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.

School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing.  I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class.  Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda.  Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.  

David is once again playing on the senior softball team.  I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted).  And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there.  You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking.  I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.

As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold.  Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special.  Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him.  Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough.  A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee.  So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace.  I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.

That's about it.  The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee.  I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then. 

Suicide

And I shall end National Poetry Month with this depressing poem.  I wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of my breakdown stage.  And I'm quite happy to say that I'm glad to have survived and am doing much, much better.  Most days I don't even feel depressed.  Things are looking up.

Sometimes it feels like the only choice
Unless things get better
I fear I will have no other option
Choices are limited
I feel as if I would be better off
Dead
Except I can't bring myself to pull the trigger

My Father Part 2

I said I would post about my father's memorial service but I really couldn't think of anything to say.  It was your average catholic memorial service.  Very small service; only 15 people came.  The service was kept private so as to avoid any issues with his girlfriend showing up.  It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to get through; just very draining.  And then I had to go out to eat with everyone in attendance.  

Last Thursday my sister and I went to our cousin's house to look through a box of dad's pictures and see if there were any we wanted.  I got some pictures of my father and one of my grandmother.  There were quite a few pictures of my sister and I, which she seemed surprised at.  She and dad weren't close at all.  But he always had pictures of us displayed in his home.  He may not have been around much but he loved us.

I cleared of the top of one of my bookshelves for his urn and the pictures I got.  I wish I had a more recent picture of the two of us.  I stopped really seeing him when I was around ten and that's when the pictures of us stopped.  I wish I would have one taken when I was staying with him a couple years ago.  I did get a picture of my grandparents though and a picture of my father, sister and I from when I was a baby.  I guess it worked out okay.

The night we went over the pictures was the only time I really cried.  My father and I weren't close but thinking about him is upsetting.  Writing this was upsetting.  I try not to dwell on it.

Pity

I wrote this poem a couple of years ago, probably a couple of weeks before my breakdown.  I was having a tough time of things and my subsequent termination sort of brought everything to a head.  I'm proud to say that I'm much better now.

I feel so alone
I wish I had someone
To talk to
But I'm terrified
That if I open up
To someone
They won't understand
Or worse
They'll pity me

Evil of Old

The month of April is upon us once again and as you may or may not know that means it's national poetry month.  I will of course be participating in this wonderful event by posting some of my poetry.  This poem titled Evil of Old was written my junior or senior year of high school.  

A sickness is spreading
Throughout the land
Passed along
Hand by hand

It spreads like poison
Through the air
Infecting all
It encounters there

Heed my word
And you'll have nothing to fear
Even when
The poison draws near

It travels along
Through rain and snow
Refuses to die
But continues to grow

Guard yourself
From this wicked foe
For when it spreads
It brings nothing but woe

Empty your ears
Of the things that are said
For if you don't
There will be trouble ahead

Strengthen your heart
To the problems you face
Take a deep breath
Accept them with grace

Do not be swayed
By others beliefs
But believe in yourself
To find your relief

And what is the poison
That spreads through the land
Infecting minds
As it slowly expands

The answer's so simple
That no one could guess
The name of the poison
The cause of distress

The answer is anger
So simple, so true
The evil of old
And also of new

It Wasn't Domestic Violence

It feels like I haven't updated in forever.  Not really been much going on with me lately.  My parents arrived home yesterday.  My father's memorial service is the 7th, so I'll probably post about that next week.  At least my mom is home and she said she'd go with me.

The past few days have been spent panicking over how to explain the bruise on my face to my parents, should they ask about it.  Voloyda and I have started dating again (you can yell at me in the comments if you like, I realize it's not exactly the best idea.)  He's living with his brother, Dima, so I've been hanging out with them a lot.  Well Thursday, Voloyda accidentally punched me in the face and it left a nice bruise.  Apparently Dima had slapped him the day before and Vova's revenge was to hide and then pop out and punch him in the chest.  It worked great other than the fact that I stumbled across him before his brother did and got socked right in the cheek.

I had therapy that evening and between my bruised face and a large scrape on the back of my wrist (inflicted by the carpet when I pitched face-first onto the floor and tried to save my phone by curling my hand around it and to my chest instead of bracing myself) she asked if someone was beating me.  And then when I told her what happened she didn't believe me and kept asking if Voloyda had injured my wrist as well.  Basically the exact scenario I wanted to avoid with my parents.  In an effort to avoid a huge issue I decided to tell them that Voloyda had hit me while LARPing.  When my mother asked me about my face (I had already told her about my wrist) I didn't even have a chance to respond before she said "LARPing?  Don't expect me to pay your medical bills."  I didn't even have to lie.  Everything when better than expected.

23rd Birthday

Today my grandmother and her cousin and my aunt's family minus Ryker went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday tomorrow.  Ryker couldn't come because he had a job interview earlier (he'll be 16 in two weeks) and he had a bunch of homework to catch up on.  We went to Bob Evans which while not my first choice, or second, or third (my grandmother kept shooting down my ideas) it was good.  My grandmother gave me some cash (Yay! I can afford food this week!) and my aunt gave me an amazon gift card (which I went home and promptly spend on books from my wishlist.)  I'm not particularly fond of cake but I made one anyway and sent the majority of it home with my aunt.  I like making cakes just not eating them; I'm more of a biscuit or donut person. 

My parents are still in Florida and don't get back until the end of the month so mom said we could go out to dinner then.  I can't wait until they get back.  I'm not very good at managing things myself.  I've been saying I need a new summer quilt for my bed for a while so mom let me pick one out online.  I already have a quilt and I really like it but it's my parents old one and it's probably around 12 years old and the backing is falling off and the cotton keeps falling out and it has a softball sized hole in it and I haven't washed it in ages because I'm afraid the washer will shred it.  It's pretty messed up.  Before they left I asked dad if he thought it could be fixed but he took one glance at it and said it needed to go directly into the trash.  Anyway mom let me pick out a new one online and it's set to arrive by the end of the week.  It's really pretty, black and white designed squares in a checkerboard pattern.  

No new information about when the memorial for my father will be.  It's been 13 days since he died.  I'm hoping it's soon.  I just want to get it over with.