TDoV Day 6

Day 6: Talk about relationships. Do you have anyone special in your life? Have your relationships been affected by your being trans?

I'm not seeing anyone and not really interested in dating at this point.  My depression has been kind of bad lately and I'm trying to get myself more stable before bringing someone else into my life.  I would imagine it will be more difficult to find someone okay with my gender identity.

TDoV Day 5

Day 5: Talk about dysphoria. Do you experience dysphoria? How does it affect you? What things do you do to cope with it?

I have a great deal of dysphoria about my chest.  I wear a binder when I can handle it but it's uncomfortable and not exactly sensory-friendly and with my autism it just makes me more agitated about everything.  Also I'm kind of wary about accidentally injuring myself again.  Binders can cause long term/permanent damage to the body that can make top surgery more difficult when I have it done in the future.

TDoV Day 4

Day 4: Talk about transition. Do you want to? What kind of progress have you made? How has the process affected your day to day life? Do you feel your transition is complete?

I'm still unsure of the path I wish to take to transition.  The only medical process I know I want for sure is top surgery.  I have no desire for bottom surgery at all and am undecided as to whether I want to go on testosterone.  I am hoping to be able to do a name and gender-maker change as some point in the semi-near future.  At this point I'm content to wait a while before furthering my transition.

TDoV Day 3

Day 3: Talk about coming out. Are you out? Who did you come out to first? How did people in your life react?

I am out as ftm and have been since October of 2015, I think?  I'm not sure of the specific dates and I came out to different people at different times and I didn't post it on here right away so I'm a little unsure as the the exact time but I believe it was around October of 2015.  I am out to my friends and family and mostly out at school.  The first person I told was my BFF Theo as of this point he is the only one who really accepts me.  My aunts are okay and my therapist is cool about it but that's it.  My parents refuse to even acknowledge it and change the subject whenever I bring it up.  My sister treats it as a joke and says she doesn't believe I'm trans.  My grandmother yells at me when I bring it up.  So I'm not exactly in the most supportive situation.

TDoV Day 2

Day 2: Talk about your process of discovery and realization. How did you come to understand yourself to be trans?

I never really felt particularly feminine.  I don't like girly stuff, I don't like particularly manly stuff either but whatever.  I've never really felt comfortable with myself or my body.  It's been a journey discovering and coming to terms with my gender identity and expression.  If you've been following the blog you know I first came out as genderfluid and then more recently came out as ftm.  I know I've said I'm ftm but honestly I'm still a little unsure.  But I have definitely narrowed it down between trans man and masculine agender.  At this point I'm not really too stressed about working out which.  And i really don't want to have to come out again.  Especially if I am ftm I'd hate to come out as agender and be wrong yet again.

TDoV Day 1

I know my updating has been rather dismal lately and I am going to change it with the 31 Days of Trans Visibility.  The original idea is located here: Trans Days of Visibility.  Basically the idea is to answer the prompt everyday to raise awareness.  I'm probably not going to do everyday but I promise I will do at least half of them even if it's only a few lines.

Day 1: Make yourself known. Tell the world your name, age, and how you identify. Post a picture of yourself.

I do wish to remain anonymous both for my safety and the safety of the people I've mentioned on here.  Being trans and atheist isn't exactly the most accepted thing and I do worry about my safety sometimes.  As you know I prefer to go by Oliver.  I'm 24.  I currently identify as a trans man.

General Update - February 2017

I know I haven't updated in literally forever I've just been kind of lazy I guess.  I'll make an effort to update a bit more regularly.  For now since so much time has passed I'm just going to do a sort of short general post about the major stuff that has happened and may do some other updates about specific incidents if I can recall enough info.

• My depression has been a lot better since my med change.  No not nearly as many suicidal thoughts and my anxiety has improved as well. 
• I'm adjusting to my new therapist.  She's okay but she's not the same as Rachel and it still just feels kind of off.
• School is going well.  Passed my classes from last semester with A's and I'm doing well this semester.  I'm taking Multicultural Lit and my second remedial algebra class.  Thankfully after I finish this math class I only need one college algebra credit for my major.
• I won second place in my schools writing contest which my current Lit professor embarrassed me about by announcing it in front of the entire class.  I hadn't even known I'd come in second so that was really fucking awkward.
• I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• There's still been no news about my father's estate which I'm quite pissed off about at this point as it should have been settled a year ago.
• My stepfather has been having some medical issues lately.  Two weeks ago his tongue swelled up and then today he had some sort of seizure/fainting spell.
• My current special interest is the Lion Guard and I'm super excited for the final episode of the first season this Friday.
• I absolutely love the Fantastic Beasts movie and cant wait to get it when it comes out.  If you haven't seen it I strongly recommend it.  My favorite character is Credence.
• My friend/ex-boyfriend just revealed to me that he is sexually attracted to children, which really fucking grosses me out. He says he's not done anything but I reported it to the police just in case. I don't want to feel responsible if something happens.  I have enough shit of my own going on. I'm really unclear as to what I'm going to do about that situation.
• Alan Rickman's birthday is today and as per tradition I have binge watched Alan Rickman movies and baked a cake (which is technically for my grandmother's birthday tomorrow.)
• Voloyda is doing fine.  We've hung out a few times but he's not done anything noteworthy 

That's about it.  All I can think of at the moment anyway.  I may expand on some of the things listed above in their own posts if I feel inclined or if there's something specific you want to hear more about leave a comment and I'll make sure to expand on it.

General Update - October 2016

Hi friends, there's not really been a whole lot going on so this is just a brief, very basic update.  I'm doing a little better, not a whole lot but I finally had my psychiatrist and she changed my meds.  Now that I've quit the Effexor my headaches, sweatiness and sleep problems have gone away.  So that's good.  Unfortunately my car tire fucked up again.  My dad managed to find a used one at the junkyard so it was only $50 for the replacement.  School's going okay.  Over halfway through the semester now.  I'm passing both of my classes.  Generally everything seems to be going okay.

Bad Time 2

Had a bit of an episode today.  A huge meltdown and crying fit along with some serious suicide contemplation.  I really don't think my med change is helping at all.  I don't know why I'm so miserable.  I'm doing okay in school and I don't really have anything to be that stressed out about but I always feel like I'm two seconds away from a complete breakdown.  My depression hasn't been this bad since The Incident.  I really think it's only a matter of time before I end up back in the hospital.  I think if I have another breakdown like today I'm going to have to go because I really can't handle it anymore.  I'm so miserable and unhappy.

Bad Time

I've been having a rough time lately.  The doctor upped my meds but it doesn't seem to be helping much plus the side effects are awful.  My father is driving me insane.  All he does is complain about every single thing.  "I walk up the stairs too loudly.  He can hear my TV at night.  There are bubbles left in the sink after I do the dishes.  I'm lazy.  I ask annoying questions.  I spend my money on stupid things.  I'm incompetent.  I need to get my life together.  He can't wait for me to move out.  I make him miserable.  I think everything is a fucking joke."  It sure does wonders for my mental health.  And my mother doesn't take it seriously.  She thinks I'm doing better.  I'm fucking doing worse.  Every day I think of suicide.