Greetings comrades. I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.
School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing. I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class. Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda. Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.
David is once again playing on the senior softball team. I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted). And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there. You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking. I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.
As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold. Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special. Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him. Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough. A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee. So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace. I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.
That's about it. The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee. I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Suicide
And I shall end National Poetry Month with this depressing poem. I wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of my breakdown stage. And I'm quite happy to say that I'm glad to have survived and am doing much, much better. Most days I don't even feel depressed. Things are looking up.
Sometimes it feels like the only choice
Unless things get better
I fear I will have no other option
Choices are limited
I feel as if I would be better off
Dead
Except I can't bring myself to pull the trigger
Sometimes it feels like the only choice
Unless things get better
I fear I will have no other option
Choices are limited
I feel as if I would be better off
Dead
Except I can't bring myself to pull the trigger
Sunday, April 26, 2015
My Father Part 2
I said I would post about my father's memorial service but I really couldn't think of anything to say. It was your average catholic memorial service. Very small service; only 15 people came. The service was kept private so as to avoid any issues with his girlfriend showing up. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to get through; just very draining. And then I had to go out to eat with everyone in attendance.
Last Thursday my sister and I went to our cousin's house to look through a box of dad's pictures and see if there were any we wanted. I got some pictures of my father and one of my grandmother. There were quite a few pictures of my sister and I, which she seemed surprised at. She and dad weren't close at all. But he always had pictures of us displayed in his home. He may not have been around much but he loved us.
I cleared of the top of one of my bookshelves for his urn and the pictures I got. I wish I had a more recent picture of the two of us. I stopped really seeing him when I was around ten and that's when the pictures of us stopped. I wish I would have one taken when I was staying with him a couple years ago. I did get a picture of my grandparents though and a picture of my father, sister and I from when I was a baby. I guess it worked out okay.
The night we went over the pictures was the only time I really cried. My father and I weren't close but thinking about him is upsetting. Writing this was upsetting. I try not to dwell on it.
Last Thursday my sister and I went to our cousin's house to look through a box of dad's pictures and see if there were any we wanted. I got some pictures of my father and one of my grandmother. There were quite a few pictures of my sister and I, which she seemed surprised at. She and dad weren't close at all. But he always had pictures of us displayed in his home. He may not have been around much but he loved us.
I cleared of the top of one of my bookshelves for his urn and the pictures I got. I wish I had a more recent picture of the two of us. I stopped really seeing him when I was around ten and that's when the pictures of us stopped. I wish I would have one taken when I was staying with him a couple years ago. I did get a picture of my grandparents though and a picture of my father, sister and I from when I was a baby. I guess it worked out okay.
The night we went over the pictures was the only time I really cried. My father and I weren't close but thinking about him is upsetting. Writing this was upsetting. I try not to dwell on it.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Pity
I wrote this poem a couple of years ago, probably a couple of weeks before my breakdown. I was having a tough time of things and my subsequent termination sort of brought everything to a head. I'm proud to say that I'm much better now.
I feel so alone
I wish I had someone
To talk to
But I'm terrified
That if I open up
To someone
They won't understand
Or worse
They'll pity me
I feel so alone
I wish I had someone
To talk to
But I'm terrified
That if I open up
To someone
They won't understand
Or worse
They'll pity me
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Evil of Old
The month of April is upon us once again and as you may or may not know that means it's national poetry month. I will of course be participating in this wonderful event by posting some of my poetry. This poem titled Evil of Old was written my junior or senior year of high school.
A sickness is spreading
Throughout the land
Passed along
Hand by hand
It spreads like poison
Through the air
Infecting all
It encounters there
Heed my word
And you'll have nothing to fear
Even when
The poison draws near
It travels along
Through rain and snow
Refuses to die
But continues to grow
Guard yourself
From this wicked foe
For when it spreads
It brings nothing but woe
Empty your ears
Of the things that are said
For if you don't
There will be trouble ahead
Strengthen your heart
To the problems you face
Take a deep breath
Accept them with grace
Do not be swayed
By others beliefs
But believe in yourself
To find your relief
And what is the poison
That spreads through the land
Infecting minds
As it slowly expands
The answer's so simple
That no one could guess
The name of the poison
The cause of distress
The answer is anger
So simple, so true
The evil of old
And also of new
A sickness is spreading
Throughout the land
Passed along
Hand by hand
It spreads like poison
Through the air
Infecting all
It encounters there
Heed my word
And you'll have nothing to fear
Even when
The poison draws near
It travels along
Through rain and snow
Refuses to die
But continues to grow
Guard yourself
From this wicked foe
For when it spreads
It brings nothing but woe
Empty your ears
Of the things that are said
For if you don't
There will be trouble ahead
Strengthen your heart
To the problems you face
Take a deep breath
Accept them with grace
Do not be swayed
By others beliefs
But believe in yourself
To find your relief
And what is the poison
That spreads through the land
Infecting minds
As it slowly expands
The answer's so simple
That no one could guess
The name of the poison
The cause of distress
The answer is anger
So simple, so true
The evil of old
And also of new
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
It Wasn't Domestic Violence
It feels like I haven't updated in forever. Not really been much going on with me lately. My parents arrived home yesterday. My father's memorial service is the 7th, so I'll probably post about that next week. At least my mom is home and she said she'd go with me.
The past few days have been spent panicking over how to explain the bruise on my face to my parents, should they ask about it. Voloyda and I have started dating again (you can yell at me in the comments if you like, I realize it's not exactly the best idea.) He's living with his brother, Dima, so I've been hanging out with them a lot. Well Thursday, Voloyda accidentally punched me in the face and it left a nice bruise. Apparently Dima had slapped him the day before and Vova's revenge was to hide and then pop out and punch him in the chest. It worked great other than the fact that I stumbled across him before his brother did and got socked right in the cheek.
I had therapy that evening and between my bruised face and a large scrape on the back of my wrist (inflicted by the carpet when I pitched face-first onto the floor and tried to save my phone by curling my hand around it and to my chest instead of bracing myself) she asked if someone was beating me. And then when I told her what happened she didn't believe me and kept asking if Voloyda had injured my wrist as well. Basically the exact scenario I wanted to avoid with my parents. In an effort to avoid a huge issue I decided to tell them that Voloyda had hit me while LARPing. When my mother asked me about my face (I had already told her about my wrist) I didn't even have a chance to respond before she said "LARPing? Don't expect me to pay your medical bills." I didn't even have to lie. Everything when better than expected.
The past few days have been spent panicking over how to explain the bruise on my face to my parents, should they ask about it. Voloyda and I have started dating again (you can yell at me in the comments if you like, I realize it's not exactly the best idea.) He's living with his brother, Dima, so I've been hanging out with them a lot. Well Thursday, Voloyda accidentally punched me in the face and it left a nice bruise. Apparently Dima had slapped him the day before and Vova's revenge was to hide and then pop out and punch him in the chest. It worked great other than the fact that I stumbled across him before his brother did and got socked right in the cheek.
I had therapy that evening and between my bruised face and a large scrape on the back of my wrist (inflicted by the carpet when I pitched face-first onto the floor and tried to save my phone by curling my hand around it and to my chest instead of bracing myself) she asked if someone was beating me. And then when I told her what happened she didn't believe me and kept asking if Voloyda had injured my wrist as well. Basically the exact scenario I wanted to avoid with my parents. In an effort to avoid a huge issue I decided to tell them that Voloyda had hit me while LARPing. When my mother asked me about my face (I had already told her about my wrist) I didn't even have a chance to respond before she said "LARPing? Don't expect me to pay your medical bills." I didn't even have to lie. Everything when better than expected.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
23rd Birthday
Today my grandmother and her cousin and my aunt's family minus Ryker went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. Ryker couldn't come because he had a job interview earlier (he'll be 16 in two weeks) and he had a bunch of homework to catch up on. We went to Bob Evans which while not my first choice, or second, or third (my grandmother kept shooting down my ideas) it was good. My grandmother gave me some cash (Yay! I can afford food this week!) and my aunt gave me an amazon gift card (which I went home and promptly spend on books from my wishlist.) I'm not particularly fond of cake but I made one anyway and sent the majority of it home with my aunt. I like making cakes just not eating them; I'm more of a biscuit or donut person.
My parents are still in Florida and don't get back until the end of the month so mom said we could go out to dinner then. I can't wait until they get back. I'm not very good at managing things myself. I've been saying I need a new summer quilt for my bed for a while so mom let me pick one out online. I already have a quilt and I really like it but it's my parents old one and it's probably around 12 years old and the backing is falling off and the cotton keeps falling out and it has a softball sized hole in it and I haven't washed it in ages because I'm afraid the washer will shred it. It's pretty messed up. Before they left I asked dad if he thought it could be fixed but he took one glance at it and said it needed to go directly into the trash. Anyway mom let me pick out a new one online and it's set to arrive by the end of the week. It's really pretty, black and white designed squares in a checkerboard pattern.
No new information about when the memorial for my father will be. It's been 13 days since he died. I'm hoping it's soon. I just want to get it over with.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
My Father
Today I picked out an urn for my father. On Monday my biological father died. We weren't particularly close, but it still hurts. I've barely cried. I feel bad that I don't feel worse about him dying. Two weeks ago he called me and we talked for a bit. That was the first time I spoke to him in three years. He didn't say he was dying.
We used to be closer when I was younger. Him and my mom broke up when was 3. When he lived close enough I used to stay with him every other weekend or so up until middle school. Once a month or so when he lived in Detroit (until he got arrested for DUI while driving me home one time.) We'd watch the live action batman films from the early 90's (the ones with Michael Keaton.) And he'd give me jelly toast with coffee in the mornings. That's one of the few things I really remember.
I did live with him and his girlfriend for a couple months right after I graduated high school. It didn't work out and I left shortly after and moved in with my grandmother. When I lived with him I did find out I have another half-sister. My mother knew but never felt the need to tell me. Would have been nice to know. (I found her online but never worked up the nerve to contact her.) The last time I saw him was 3 years ago at his sister's funeral service. The only thing he said to me was a comment about all my facial piercings.
We used to be closer when I was younger. Him and my mom broke up when was 3. When he lived close enough I used to stay with him every other weekend or so up until middle school. Once a month or so when he lived in Detroit (until he got arrested for DUI while driving me home one time.) We'd watch the live action batman films from the early 90's (the ones with Michael Keaton.) And he'd give me jelly toast with coffee in the mornings. That's one of the few things I really remember.
I did live with him and his girlfriend for a couple months right after I graduated high school. It didn't work out and I left shortly after and moved in with my grandmother. When I lived with him I did find out I have another half-sister. My mother knew but never felt the need to tell me. Would have been nice to know. (I found her online but never worked up the nerve to contact her.) The last time I saw him was 3 years ago at his sister's funeral service. The only thing he said to me was a comment about all my facial piercings.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Attack of Paranoia
Today I had a complete meltdown (probably the one of the worst I've ever had) because I thought someone was following me. They (most likely) weren't. I just freaked out for no reason. On the way home from my grandmother's I stopped at the store to get some groceries. I pull into the parking lot and a guy pulls in right next to me, for whatever reason this caused an immediate sense of dread even though I did not know this person and he had done absolutely nothing wrong. So I go in and shop and when I come out he's standing between our cars, which I thought was rather odd but didn't think too much about it. He get's back in his car, I load my groceries and get into mine and pull out. He follows me out of the parking lot and down a couple side streets that lead toward my house. I freak out and call my dad and ask if he thinks I should call the police. The guy turns and goes another way. I still freak out. I randomly drive around for another 15 minutes before going home.
I arrive home, unload my groceries, lock all the doors and, still can't calm down. I look out the window and think I see him drive by my house so I call the police. They talked to me a bit and tried to calm me down (which didn't work) and said they would increase their patrol of the area. I was still freaking out, by this point it was like a full blown anxiety attack. I'm usually not the paranoid type but I kept thinking this guy would come back and break into my house. I called Voloyda but couldn't bring myself to say what was going on because I knew he'd freak out and I didn't really want him at my house. I called my BFF Theo and asked if he would come over and stay the night. He said no because he had laundry and stuff and school tomorrow. I begged him to come over and said he could do his laundry here and I would take him to school tomorrow. He asked me what was going on and when I told him, he agreed to come over. He said he was at school but his mom would be picking him up at 9 and he would call me when they got back home to come and get him.
At this point it was around 8 o'clock so I had about an hour and a half before he would call. I tried to use my anxiety room but it didn't work (mostly due to the fact that a closet with no escape route isn't exactly the best place to be if someone breaks into your house). I also didn't want to take my shoes off or set down my keys or bag in the event that I had to flee the house. So I'm pacing around the living room, peering out the windows, when I decide I can't be in the house anymore and figure I should go for a drive instead. I grab a knife (you know, just in case) and go out to my car and drive off. I drove around a bit before I decided that it wasn't really helping and that I should stop somewhere. I went and stopped in a parking lot. I was still really pumped up at this point, it hadn't really gone down any and I was debating cancelling with Theo and just going to the hospital. I didn't really want to go to the hospital but I would have felt safer there. I ended up going back home and texting the crisis center, thinking maybe they could help me calm down a bit. I texted with them for 30 minutes and it helped quite a bit but I still wanted to have Theo over. Even though I wasn't freaking out anymore I knew I wouldn't sleep at all if I was alone in the house.
By now it was about 9:15ish and I decided to go out driving again, since Theo would be calling me soon anyway. I was out for a bit, drove into the neighboring township (about 5 minutes away) and they he called and I went and picked him up. We went back to my house, hung out a bit, made chili cheese fries, I did my homework, and he went to bed. That about sums it up.
I'm not generally a paranoid person, I don't react to things that way, I have no idea what set me off. I do have panic attacks but they're always about talking to people or getting stuff done on time or leaving the house. I freak out about stuff like that, not some guy breaking into my house.
*I will say that CrisisLink is a fantastic service. I've used them on several occasions and they work wonderfully. They'll talk with you about whatever you're struggling with, not just suicide. And unlike most crisis prevention they have a texting service which is great if you're someone like me who has trouble with phone calls. Texting number: 703-940-0888
I arrive home, unload my groceries, lock all the doors and, still can't calm down. I look out the window and think I see him drive by my house so I call the police. They talked to me a bit and tried to calm me down (which didn't work) and said they would increase their patrol of the area. I was still freaking out, by this point it was like a full blown anxiety attack. I'm usually not the paranoid type but I kept thinking this guy would come back and break into my house. I called Voloyda but couldn't bring myself to say what was going on because I knew he'd freak out and I didn't really want him at my house. I called my BFF Theo and asked if he would come over and stay the night. He said no because he had laundry and stuff and school tomorrow. I begged him to come over and said he could do his laundry here and I would take him to school tomorrow. He asked me what was going on and when I told him, he agreed to come over. He said he was at school but his mom would be picking him up at 9 and he would call me when they got back home to come and get him.
At this point it was around 8 o'clock so I had about an hour and a half before he would call. I tried to use my anxiety room but it didn't work (mostly due to the fact that a closet with no escape route isn't exactly the best place to be if someone breaks into your house). I also didn't want to take my shoes off or set down my keys or bag in the event that I had to flee the house. So I'm pacing around the living room, peering out the windows, when I decide I can't be in the house anymore and figure I should go for a drive instead. I grab a knife (you know, just in case) and go out to my car and drive off. I drove around a bit before I decided that it wasn't really helping and that I should stop somewhere. I went and stopped in a parking lot. I was still really pumped up at this point, it hadn't really gone down any and I was debating cancelling with Theo and just going to the hospital. I didn't really want to go to the hospital but I would have felt safer there. I ended up going back home and texting the crisis center, thinking maybe they could help me calm down a bit. I texted with them for 30 minutes and it helped quite a bit but I still wanted to have Theo over. Even though I wasn't freaking out anymore I knew I wouldn't sleep at all if I was alone in the house.
By now it was about 9:15ish and I decided to go out driving again, since Theo would be calling me soon anyway. I was out for a bit, drove into the neighboring township (about 5 minutes away) and they he called and I went and picked him up. We went back to my house, hung out a bit, made chili cheese fries, I did my homework, and he went to bed. That about sums it up.
I'm not generally a paranoid person, I don't react to things that way, I have no idea what set me off. I do have panic attacks but they're always about talking to people or getting stuff done on time or leaving the house. I freak out about stuff like that, not some guy breaking into my house.
*I will say that CrisisLink is a fantastic service. I've used them on several occasions and they work wonderfully. They'll talk with you about whatever you're struggling with, not just suicide. And unlike most crisis prevention they have a texting service which is great if you're someone like me who has trouble with phone calls. Texting number: 703-940-0888
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Vehicular Issues
I haven't been having a particularly good week.
Last Friday my parents left for Florida without me. They get to relax in eighty degree weather for two months while I'm stuck here where it's so cold my car door is frozen shut. Every time they go on an extended vacation I have some kind of car malfunction and this time was no different.
I've been having some problems with my tire. It had a slow leak and I've been having to put air in every week. So on Tuesday I had to go out and the tire looked pretty low so I drove down to the petrol station 3 blocks away to fill it up. Only when I got there, the tire completely detached from the rim. I've never heard of that happening before. So my car is broke, I have no money, and my parents are 1000 miles away. I, of course freaked out. My dad made some calls but couldn't find anyone to help me until later so I walked home. About 20 minutes later I get a call back from my dad saying he got our postman to come and help. Postman come and picks me up from the house and goes to the gas station where he and his brother put the donut on my car. Then I had to drive across the street to the auto shop and buy a new tire. Cost me 93$. And I had to borrow 100$ from my grandmother so I can eat for the rest of the month. Worked off 10$ already by shoveling her walkway. Dad says when they get back from vacation they'll buy me a proper spare tire, so as to avoid these types of situations in the future.
So then Tuesday night I had therapy which because of my tire got canceled and then un-canceled twice that day. We just had a big snowstorm the other day, there's about 18 inches of snow but by that point the roads weren't bad. So I'm driving home from therapy and the guy behind me is right on top of me the entire way down my street. So my driveway's coming up, and I put my blinker on about 4 houses earlier than normal to give the guy time to back off a bit. I go to turn into my driveway. He fucking hit me. I pull into my driveway thinking he would follow me in, you know, like you're supposed to if you hit someone. Nope. He just drove off. What the fuck man? I will say that he it my very lightly and there doesn't appear to be any new damage to my car but still. The legal consequences of a hit-and-run are far greater than the consequences of an accident. It seems like the logical step would be to stop. He's lucky I decided not to file a report.
Last Friday my parents left for Florida without me. They get to relax in eighty degree weather for two months while I'm stuck here where it's so cold my car door is frozen shut. Every time they go on an extended vacation I have some kind of car malfunction and this time was no different.
I've been having some problems with my tire. It had a slow leak and I've been having to put air in every week. So on Tuesday I had to go out and the tire looked pretty low so I drove down to the petrol station 3 blocks away to fill it up. Only when I got there, the tire completely detached from the rim. I've never heard of that happening before. So my car is broke, I have no money, and my parents are 1000 miles away. I, of course freaked out. My dad made some calls but couldn't find anyone to help me until later so I walked home. About 20 minutes later I get a call back from my dad saying he got our postman to come and help. Postman come and picks me up from the house and goes to the gas station where he and his brother put the donut on my car. Then I had to drive across the street to the auto shop and buy a new tire. Cost me 93$. And I had to borrow 100$ from my grandmother so I can eat for the rest of the month. Worked off 10$ already by shoveling her walkway. Dad says when they get back from vacation they'll buy me a proper spare tire, so as to avoid these types of situations in the future.
So then Tuesday night I had therapy which because of my tire got canceled and then un-canceled twice that day. We just had a big snowstorm the other day, there's about 18 inches of snow but by that point the roads weren't bad. So I'm driving home from therapy and the guy behind me is right on top of me the entire way down my street. So my driveway's coming up, and I put my blinker on about 4 houses earlier than normal to give the guy time to back off a bit. I go to turn into my driveway. He fucking hit me. I pull into my driveway thinking he would follow me in, you know, like you're supposed to if you hit someone. Nope. He just drove off. What the fuck man? I will say that he it my very lightly and there doesn't appear to be any new damage to my car but still. The legal consequences of a hit-and-run are far greater than the consequences of an accident. It seems like the logical step would be to stop. He's lucky I decided not to file a report.
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