The Store 2

I know I haven't updated in forever.  I do have sort of a mega post I'm working on about everything that's happened lately, I'v just been too lazy to type it all up and get it posted.  But anyway this happened today and I thought it was hilarious and figured I'd share it before I forget what happened.

I had to go to The Store today to pick up Ryker after his shift.  He was buying some stuff and we and a few employees were standing around.  I said to Ryker: "I should fill out an application.  You think they'd re-hire me?  They'd probably laugh me out the door."
One of the workers asked why and my reply was: "I used to work here for five years until I had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide.  Then I ended up stalking one of the managers.  Ryker tells me they've added no stalking to the employee handbook.  You should talk to Minerva, I'm sure she'd have some stories for you."  That woman gave me the most WTF expression I've ever seen in my life, it was absolutely hilarious.

My New Special Interest

I believe my obsession with David has finally passed.  (God that feels really fucking weird to say.) He sort of hovers around the edge of my subconscious but I don't really actively think of him.  Instead my mind has been focusing on  Impractical Jokers, keying in on Q in particular. So this is your heads up that I'll most likely be info-dumping about the show and Q.

I've watched the show since it first started but gotten really into it over the last couple months.  It's one of the things I can watch over and over.  I'm saving up to get the seasons on DVD, I have them on iTunes but I'd be nice to have them on disk so I could watch them on TV instead of just my computer.  Season Seven started last night and I had a whole Happy Flap moment.  I haven't had a Happy Flap regarding a TV show since LOST was on the air.

I'm happy to finally be over David.  Though I do wish my obsession would have transferred to something besides another person, at least Q is a little safer interest in that he lives in New York and I'll never meet him.  I imagine it'll go the same way as my obsession with Alan Rickman; though most likely not as severe.  I don't think anyone could ever top my love for Alan Rickman.

Info-dumping: The supplying of a very large amount of (most likely unwanted) information.
Happy Flap: The hand flapping motions autistic people make when happy or excited.

My Gender Identity

Last week I came out on Facebook as genderqueer by posting this adorable picture series I found.  It fits my situation amazing well.  I've always sort of switched between feeling female and male but I didn't realize there was a name for it until a while ago.  The only thing I'd really heard of was trans and I spent a while debating with myself over if I was trans.  And then I found out about genderfluid-ity and it made sense.  

I've known I'm genderfluid for about 3 months now and though I only totally came out last week I started dropping hints and making appearance changes since I realized.  I got my hair cut into a more masculine/androgynous style and got some guy clothes.  I came out to my immediate family 3 weeks ago and everyone else on Facebook last week.  Other than a raging argument with my dad about whether you need a penis to be a man it's gone over pretty well.   

Things are going better for me.  My mom always bitches at me about not knowing what I want or not taking the steps to get there.  But it's hard to know what you want if you don't even know who the fuck you are.  I've been doing better since I got my autism diagnosis and since acknowledging my gender identity I'm doing better still.  I definitely feel happier more comfortable with myself.  Let's hope I continue to improve.

The Store

My cousin Ryker got a job at The Store.  He got hired on about three weeks ago.  He says he really likes it.  I hope it goes well for him.  The Store really is an okay place to work as long as you're not mentally ill.

The other day I went to The Store for the first time since they threw me out two years ago.  It was surreal.  And I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack the entire time I was in there.  I didn't see anyone I knew.  Apparently the only person I know who's still there is Minerva.  Everyone else is gone.

Obsession with David

It feels weird to admit but I think my obsession with David is finally starting to fade.  I still think about him a lot but not every day like I was and when I do think about him it feels more detached.  I still want to know about him and stuff but it's not an all-encompassing drive like it was before.  Last year I had to arrange other activities for myself during his softball games so I wouldn't be tempted to go, yesterday he played softball and I didn't even think about it until this morning.  Before it seemed like I was acutely aware of when I knew where he was and now, it's not like that, I may know where he is but I feel no need to go there.  I know it will be a while before my fixation goes away completely, if it ever does, but for now I think I'm beginning to move on.  Let's hope my next obsession isn't nearly as destructive.  Here's to the future.

Family Reunion 2015

I had a lot of fun down at the family reunion on Saturday.  This year it was hosted by my cousin "Lynn" in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  She lives up in the mountains.  The roads are a nightmare up there.  I'm happy I didn't have to drive; I'd have been a nervous wreck.  Not a whole lot of people came, not really surprising as not everyone travels, but there were fewer than expected even for an 'away' reunion.  My grandmother rode down with us instead of my aunt as she usually does.  Never again.  I love her and everything but she's annoying as fuck.  The reunion was fun.  It was way, way up in the mountains at a park.  It's a nice place.  Private pavilion, bathroom, there's a stream to traipse around in.  We'd had it there before and everyone freaked out when a bear showed up.  There was no bear this time but we were told to be extra careful as they were apparently super active in the area.   I, as usual, didn't talk a whole lot.  Only to my aunt and her family and to my cousins Lynn and Bonnie.  I'm rarely comfortable around people, even when those people are my family.  

After the reunion Lynn, my mother and I went up to the Gatlinburg crafts community.  It's all kids of craft shops with handmade items.  I got some new candles for my collection.  After shopping we went back to Lynn's and met up with my grandmother, and Bonnie and her son and his girlfriend.  We hung out and played cards and went swimming.  Much more comfortable for me in that setting.  And when I had to be by myself I didn't have to worry about getting mauled by a bear like you did at the park.  Overall a fun weekend.

David's Softball Part 3/General Update

Greetings comrades.  I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.

School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing.  I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class.  Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda.  Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.  

David is once again playing on the senior softball team.  I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted).  And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there.  You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking.  I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.

As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold.  Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special.  Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him.  Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough.  A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee.  So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace.  I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.

That's about it.  The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee.  I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then. 

Suicide

And I shall end National Poetry Month with this depressing poem.  I wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of my breakdown stage.  And I'm quite happy to say that I'm glad to have survived and am doing much, much better.  Most days I don't even feel depressed.  Things are looking up.

Sometimes it feels like the only choice
Unless things get better
I fear I will have no other option
Choices are limited
I feel as if I would be better off
Dead
Except I can't bring myself to pull the trigger

My Father Part 2

I said I would post about my father's memorial service but I really couldn't think of anything to say.  It was your average catholic memorial service.  Very small service; only 15 people came.  The service was kept private so as to avoid any issues with his girlfriend showing up.  It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to get through; just very draining.  And then I had to go out to eat with everyone in attendance.  

Last Thursday my sister and I went to our cousin's house to look through a box of dad's pictures and see if there were any we wanted.  I got some pictures of my father and one of my grandmother.  There were quite a few pictures of my sister and I, which she seemed surprised at.  She and dad weren't close at all.  But he always had pictures of us displayed in his home.  He may not have been around much but he loved us.

I cleared of the top of one of my bookshelves for his urn and the pictures I got.  I wish I had a more recent picture of the two of us.  I stopped really seeing him when I was around ten and that's when the pictures of us stopped.  I wish I would have one taken when I was staying with him a couple years ago.  I did get a picture of my grandparents though and a picture of my father, sister and I from when I was a baby.  I guess it worked out okay.

The night we went over the pictures was the only time I really cried.  My father and I weren't close but thinking about him is upsetting.  Writing this was upsetting.  I try not to dwell on it.

Pity

I wrote this poem a couple of years ago, probably a couple of weeks before my breakdown.  I was having a tough time of things and my subsequent termination sort of brought everything to a head.  I'm proud to say that I'm much better now.

I feel so alone
I wish I had someone
To talk to
But I'm terrified
That if I open up
To someone
They won't understand
Or worse
They'll pity me