Trans Name

I know I said a while ago that I was genderfluid but I don't really think that describes me correctly so I now identify as non-binary trans or just trans.  I present as masculine all of the time and have chosen a new guy name for myself.  I try to keep this blog as anonymous as possible so I won't be sharing my chosen name but know it shares the same initial as my birth name and I quite like it.  I've chosen a new middle name for myself as well which does not have the same initial as my birth name but I'm still working on that one and may switch it yet.  My original middle name was Marie after my grandmother and I've been looking for another M name but haven't found anything yet.  I was thinking of doing Michael which was my father and grandfathers name but I don't really like it and it feels weird because we weren't close.  Anyway I chose the middle name Oliver and from now on I will be referring to myself as such on here.

This seems like a good time to bring up my mother's confusing behavior.  So I started making changes to my appearance and hinting that I wasn't a woman 7/8 months ago and came out as trans* 5 months ago and my mother has been mostly okay with it.  I say mostly because sometimes she's on board and then other times not so much.  It just really makes me wonder what she's thinking.
6 months ago she paid for me to get a manly haircut
2 1/2 months ago she let me order a binder on her credit card until I could pay her back
Last month she made no comment when I ordered some packers and told my dad not to say anything when I made my packer STP in the kitchen
Last night she bought me more guy clothes and a men's toiletry kit
Yet last week when I asked her to call me Oliver (not name I requested) and use male pronouns she flat out refused.  And the week before she said she wished I would be a girl again.  WTF mom.

Dad's House

As you know my father passed away in March and one of his assets was a house.  It was actually his girlfriend's house and they weren't living there (and you'll see why) but for whatever reason it was in his name.  Here is the wonderful house my sister and I have to find a way to get rid of.

Right inside the front door.  There were piles of trash like this throughout the house.

The nicest part of the house.  Notice the odd dirty patches on the walls.

The side door in the kitchen.  As you can see it's very beat up.  The duct tape is covering a large split in the door and it had been kicked in so many times all the wood along the door frame had been broken off so it was impossible to lock.

The kitchen.  The pipes under the sink weren't even connected to anything and all the tiles had been stripped from the floor.  I think the oddest part about the kitchen was that while the house was nearly completely empty there was a full set of dishes in one of the cabinets.

Standing in the kitchen looking into the basement.  Take note of how light it is for being the basement of a house with no electricity.

Another shot leading into the basement.

You can't really tell in the picture but there were all kinds of loose pipes hanging from the ceiling like someone had tried to rip them out before deciding it was too much trouble.

More rubbish.

And this is why it was so light down there.  The entire wall had caved in and led directly into the garage.

All the junk inside the garage.  The roof of the garage had fallen in as well so you could actually stand in the basement and see the sky outside through the roof of the garage.

Noticed this as we were walking out.  What the fuck.  You're gonna need more than some DIY books to fix this place up.

We had called a locksmith out to get us into the house as we didn't have a key only for him to show up and push the door open.  The front door wasn't even locked.  All the floors had been stripped and had severe water damage and rotting to the point that you could feel the floor bending when you walked across it.  There was a second floor that we didn't go up to due to the stairs being on the side of the house where the wall had caved in.  Who knows what was up there.  

If anyone's looking for a place to live, I'll sell it to you real cheap. For real the house needs to be condemned.  How on earth do you let a house get to that condition.  I don't even know.  Now we're trying to sign it over to the city for the taxes owed on it.  I hope they take it as I don't want to be stuck with it.

Masculine Presentation

I'm going to be talking about trans gear and trans related topics in this post.  Including binders, fake penises, and stories about standing to pee.  If you don't want to hear about any of that I suggest you skip this post.

OMG!  Where did my boobs go? 
I got my binder six weeks ago from GC2B.  I got the black half tank and it cost $37 with shipping and it took three days to arrive.  I'd heard they were hard to get into the first few times until you get the hang of it and it stretches out a bit, the first time I tried to put it on I couldn't get it on all the way and I nearly killed myself by getting it caught around my neck when I tried to take it off.  I stretched it out over a pile of books overnight and also found it easier to put it on over a t-shirt.  Now I can throw it on and off really easily and it flattens my chest quite well.  It's way more comfortable than I thought it would be as well, a bit like a hug.

I've got a cock, bro.
I have currently have three packers that I ordered online.  One by Doc Johnson, PackerGear and, Mr. Limpy.  Here's a basic run down of the packers.

Brand	Type	Bought From	Price	Notes
Doc Johnson	Lite 4 inch Vanilla	Amazon	$14	Firmest of the three Smells like vanilla, it’s not unpleasant but will be noticeable if someone is close to your crotch Shortest overall length Sits well in pants, produces a small but noticeable bulge
PackerGear	4 inch Vanilla	Tranzwear	$9.50	Shortest shaft length of the three Most realistic shaft  I’ve not yet used this to pack as I turned it into an STP and I haven’t mastered it yet Squishiest of the three
Mr. Limpy	5.5 inch Vanilla	Tranzwear	$10.50	Hangs down better than the others Most realistic balls Creates a noticeable but not obscene bulge My current favorite to pack with

STP means Stand-to-Pee
If you don't want to hear about toileting accidents I suggest you skip this part.  A while ago I wanted to learn to STP so I made one.  I used the medicine spoon method which let me say was a complete disaster.  I tried for a week and just ended up covered with piss every time, it just didn't fucking work.  It's a good idea to practice in the shower and I'm quite happy I listened to that advice.  The spoon really wasn't working and after looking around online I came across a bottle nipple type contraption with tubing.  I didn't have tubing but I did manage to attach a nipple to the medicine spoon and use it far more successfully in both the shower and at the toilet.  So successfully in fact that I decided I was ready to try without removing all of my clothing which as you can imagine ended badly because why would I expect anything different?  There was urine everywhere and my mother was all pissed off because she had just replaced the rugs in the bathroom.   

It was at that point I decided to order a proper STP tubing and packer,  I got my STP tubing and nipple apparatus already assembled from Tranzwear for $12, you could buy them individually for cheaper and assemble them yourself but I figured since I didn't know what I was doing best to leave it to them.  You could also get an already assembled STP but it was a bit more expensive and I figured how hard could it be to shove a hole in a fake dick.  So it took about 3 weeks to arrive, there is a 7-10 business day processing time.  I saw some videos on how to do it and it didn't look that hard (but of course it was).  Basically you heat up a metal poker and then shove it through the packer so you can put the tubing in.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well the first time I shoved it through it went in crooked, came out the side and I burnt the fuck out of my fingertips.  It went in straight on the next try but it took forever to get the tubing through.  You're supposed to pull the stick out, spread the packer open and run water through it so the hole doesn't seal up.  I don't know if I was doing it wrong or what but it took fucking forever.  It actually turned out pretty well though and I can pee out of it way better than my medicine spoon contraption.  Still working on mastering it, so for now I've been doing it in the shower.  

I'll be right with you, sir.
Which is what the cashier at the dollar store said to me three weeks ago as I was waiting to check out.  First time anyone ever addressed me as a male and it made me super happy.  I'm sure I was smiling like an idiot.  Then over the past week a man at the Anderson's addressed me as 'young man' and when I took my grandmother to the casino the checker almost didn't let me in because I look nothing like my ID and he didn't believe I was the same person.  I don't generally use public bathrooms but yesterday I was sent to the store by my mother and ended up touching a gross thing and needed to wash my hands.  I went to the women's bathroom because I've only been out for a while and I don't pass as a man.  So I'm washing my hands and a woman comes out of the stall.  She looked at me for a second and told me I was in the wrong bathroom and I didn't belong in there.  lol.  I guess I pass better than I think.

Links for everything mentioned
Binder: gc2b.co
Packers and STP tubing: tranzwear.com
All about STP's: http://transguys.com/features/stp
Do-it-yourself STP tutorial (not exactly how I made mine but similar): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4ut1o1rKvE
This last link is to my packers so if you don't want to see my junk I suggest you leave: http://imgur.com/a/Livdr

Teal Pumpkin Project

I was going to wait and post this for Halloween but figured I'd post it now for those who may want to participate.  For those of you who haven't heard of it, it's not too late for you to participate in the teal pumpkin project for kids with allergies.  Instead of or along with regular candy you offer non-food treats such as bouncy balls, bubbles, stickers, pencils, glow sticks, etc.  We're giving out candy and toys.  I was going to post a picture of my pumpkins and toy bucket but the pumpkin still needs another coat of paint so I think I'll add the photo later.

Our Pumpkins.  Mine's the castle one.  I may post another photo of them tonight lit up.

Some of the non-food treats I bought.  Includes: coloring books, Gatorade band, bubbles, jump rope, tops, hot wheels, necklaces, Disney wands, silly bandz and Halloween erasers, yo-yo's, putty eggs, boats, hacky-sacks, pencils and glow sticks.

If you're interested in participating in the Teal Pumpkin Project, more information can be found here:
http://www.foodallergy.org/teal-pumpkin-project#.Vi7QlPmrSM9

Guy Clothes

This was not the post I had planned to write but well I was doing laundry and the clothes were on my bed and then I figured I'd post about it and here we are.

Since I realized I'm trans* I've been slowly accumulating a collection of 'guy clothes.'  I don't have a whole lot, but I have a semi-functional wardrobe.  I started off owning a single pair of sneakers and now I have 2 weeks worth of undergarments, 2 pairs of shorts, 2 jumpers, 2 dress shirts, a hoodie, a pair of pajama pants, 8 t-shirts, a pair of pants, a winter jacket, boots and, a binder.  It's quite the collection I've got.  My next purchase will be a pair of jeans, I'd have got some already if they weren't so expensive.  I never really noticed until now (but I've never laid out my clothes like this before either) that I don't really have any bright coloured clothing.  I seem to favour dark and neutral coloured clothing,  The brightest thing I have is my green triforce shirt.  I'll have to invest in some more colouful clothes.

You can see my Baymax plushie at the top, he's so soft and cuddly.  Big Hero 6 is awesome, but not as awesome as Wreck-it Ralph.  I wish they had Wreck-it Ralph plushies.  You can also see that I like Harry Potter and Sweeney Todd.  Care to guess why?  It is of course: Alan Rickman!  He's more awesome than Big Hero 6 and Wreck-it Ralph combined.  Though I suppose Harry Potter is awesome even without Alan Rickman. 

General Update

All of these things happened between July 18th and September 1st.

Had a little bit of a rough patch about a month and a half ago.  My step dad and I sometimes don't get along well and we clashed a bit.  He was screaming that I needed to  move out and I was screaming that I wasn't going anywhere and that I'd rather die than be homeless.  And he was going on and on about how it's his house, and I'm driving him crazy and I ruined his marriage.  And I'm freaking out because I don't have anywhere else to go.   So I grabbed this knife and said if he wanted me out of his life that bad I'd stab myself in the throat and he'd never have to deal with me again.  And Mom's crying and telling me that I didn't ruin their marriage and I didn't have to go anywhere and trying to get the knife away from me and yelling at him to shut up.  I was totally freaking out.  I really probably should have gone into the hospital but after I calmed down I was mostly okay and didn't end up going.

This part is kind of gross so if you're squeamish you may want to skip to the next paragraph.  A few days after the above incident I went upstairs at 11;30 to find my mother sobbing in the kitchen.  The end of her finger was completely black and swollen so I ended up taking her to the emergency room.  The doctor numbed it up and then sliced the skin open right above her finger nail and all kinds caramel colored pus and blood shot out.  It was awesome.  Mom's really not into stuff like that and covered her face the entire time so she wouldn't have to see.  The doctor said if I liked stuff like that I should consider going into the medical field.  I took her to her GP the next day and they ran some blood work and it turns out she has MRSA.

My grandmother has diabetes and lately her blood sugar has been bottoming out.  The day after all of the above happened with mom I had to spend the night at grandma's because her sugar bottomed out and the paramedics wouldn't let her stay home unless someone came over.  Well I was the lucky person that gave up my evening to go over there.  Normally I would have been happy to do so but it was Thursday night and ten minutes before Impractical Jokers came on.  I watch one show on TV and somehow it always gets interrupted.  So she calls me and asks if I can come over I said I would but could she wait an hour so I could watch my show first and the paramedics said no.  I drove all the way over there missing my show and the pie I had made, and had to sleep in the uncomfortable bed and then she bitched about taking me out to breakfast the next morning.  Ungrateful much?  I ended up watching the episode on iTunes the next day while eating my special peanut butter pie but it was still an inconvenience.  When I told my therapist the above happening she both laughed and said it was inconsiderate of me to have asked if I could watch my show before going over.  

On a more positive note (or would it be negative?) it has yet to be seen how it plays out long term, but Voloyda and I have mutually decided on a platonic relationship.  We decided to separate two months ago with no hard feeling on either side and it has gone quite well.  We still hang out occasionally as friends and there have been no issues, apparently he's been seeing someone new.  I've also been going out with a new partner.  I met them (preferred pronoun they/them/their) online in a genderfluid group and found out they live in my city so we've been out several times.  I shall call them 'S' for simplicity.  We attended Pride together which was fun and I learned how to drive a stick shift after S got too buzzed to drive us back to my house.

I am quite happy to say that I am officially over David as my special interest.  I thought Impractical Jokers would replace him but it hasn't and now I've been special interest-less and it's so boring.  What the hell am I supposed to do all day without a special interest to occupy me?  I've been looking into things but so far nothing has stuck.  Hopefully I'll find something soon because life is rather boring with only my minor special interests to occupy me.

The Store 3

Today I again picked up Ryker from The Store, I picked him up at closing so I didn't end up going in but he tells me this was a conversation he had.  'Jack' used to work at the store when I did and then apparently left and just recently went back to work there.  When I picked Ryker up the other day, I saw him and made a comment to Ryker that 'why didn't you tell me Jack was still working here?' and he said he wasn't and had just started.  Well today they had something akin to this conversation:

J:  Today was an easy day... I used to work here and just came back.
R:  Yeah, my cousin told me that the other day.  You used to work with her, October.  October Evens.
J:  Oh I remember her, she was cool, I mean she sort of lost it at the end but up until that point she was fine.  Tell her I said 'hi.'

'Sort of lost it at the end.'  Just about sums it up, I've described it that way myself.  I thought it was pretty funny.  It's nice to know that (at least some people) think that I'm mostly fine and not just 'that crazy person.'  I wouldn't blame them if they did or anything, I know my behavior (towards the end) was far from average and at the time even I thought I was losing my mind.

The Store 2

I know I haven't updated in forever.  I do have sort of a mega post I'm working on about everything that's happened lately, I'v just been too lazy to type it all up and get it posted.  But anyway this happened today and I thought it was hilarious and figured I'd share it before I forget what happened.

I had to go to The Store today to pick up Ryker after his shift.  He was buying some stuff and we and a few employees were standing around.  I said to Ryker: "I should fill out an application.  You think they'd re-hire me?  They'd probably laugh me out the door."
One of the workers asked why and my reply was: "I used to work here for five years until I had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide.  Then I ended up stalking one of the managers.  Ryker tells me they've added no stalking to the employee handbook.  You should talk to Minerva, I'm sure she'd have some stories for you."  That woman gave me the most WTF expression I've ever seen in my life, it was absolutely hilarious.

My New Special Interest

I believe my obsession with David has finally passed.  (God that feels really fucking weird to say.) He sort of hovers around the edge of my subconscious but I don't really actively think of him.  Instead my mind has been focusing on  Impractical Jokers, keying in on Q in particular. So this is your heads up that I'll most likely be info-dumping about the show and Q.

I've watched the show since it first started but gotten really into it over the last couple months.  It's one of the things I can watch over and over.  I'm saving up to get the seasons on DVD, I have them on iTunes but I'd be nice to have them on disk so I could watch them on TV instead of just my computer.  Season Seven started last night and I had a whole Happy Flap moment.  I haven't had a Happy Flap regarding a TV show since LOST was on the air.

I'm happy to finally be over David.  Though I do wish my obsession would have transferred to something besides another person, at least Q is a little safer interest in that he lives in New York and I'll never meet him.  I imagine it'll go the same way as my obsession with Alan Rickman; though most likely not as severe.  I don't think anyone could ever top my love for Alan Rickman.

Info-dumping: The supplying of a very large amount of (most likely unwanted) information.
Happy Flap: The hand flapping motions autistic people make when happy or excited.

My Gender Identity

Last week I came out on Facebook as genderqueer by posting this adorable picture series I found.  It fits my situation amazing well.  I've always sort of switched between feeling female and male but I didn't realize there was a name for it until a while ago.  The only thing I'd really heard of was trans and I spent a while debating with myself over if I was trans.  And then I found out about genderfluid-ity and it made sense.  

I've known I'm genderfluid for about 3 months now and though I only totally came out last week I started dropping hints and making appearance changes since I realized.  I got my hair cut into a more masculine/androgynous style and got some guy clothes.  I came out to my immediate family 3 weeks ago and everyone else on Facebook last week.  Other than a raging argument with my dad about whether you need a penis to be a man it's gone over pretty well.   

Things are going better for me.  My mom always bitches at me about not knowing what I want or not taking the steps to get there.  But it's hard to know what you want if you don't even know who the fuck you are.  I've been doing better since I got my autism diagnosis and since acknowledging my gender identity I'm doing better still.  I definitely feel happier more comfortable with myself.  Let's hope I continue to improve.