Thanksgiving/School Update 2

I hope that all of my American followers had a nice holiday weekend.  And a nice weekend for everyone else as well.  We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday evening instead of Thursday because we went shopping.  I got nearly all of my Christmas shopping done.  I only have two gifts left to buy, three gifts if you count a present for my aunts dog.  Who I shall be watching over the Christmas holiday's as I have done for the last three years.  It's nice to get out of the house for a week.

I only have two days of classes left for school.  We have to do presentations about who our favorite 'superhero' is.  I'm doing mine on Temple Grandin.  Mostly because we have to choose a person we can relate to, but I never really relate to people.  Everyone seems so different from me, I think it's the autism.

Obsessions

A common behavior present in autistic people is an interest in a specific subject or topic.  The topic can be pretty much anything: a TV show, train schedules, World War I, sprinkler systems, people.  In autistic people these are often referred to as special interests or obsessions.  What sets an autistic person's special interest apart from a neurotypical's hobby is the intensity and duration.  (Neurotypical often shorted to 'NT' is a term used by the autistic community to describe people who are not autistic.)  A NT with the hobby of golf might enjoy going golfing, looking at golf related gear and reading golfing magazines; an autistic person with golf as their special interest will spend massive amounts of time, energy and often money learning everything they possibly can about the subject to the exclusion of all else.

For as long as I can remember I've always had an obsession with one thing or another.  Sometimes they were normal and age appropriate (Scooby Doo, Harry Potter, TV show LOST) and sometimes they weren't (hobos, prosthetic limbs, my 55-year-old boss.)  They usually last a few years before they disappear, usually when there is nothing more to be learned on the subject or a new interest develops.  Some of them last longer than others; such as hobos.  Which my parents found endlessly annoying because apparently a 10-year-old who talks about nothing but homeless people is embarrassing.  Other obsessions come and go; Harry Potter has been probably my greatest and longest lasting obsession.  It's come and gone several times and has been my most prominent obsession for probably a total of about nine or ten years.  Harry Potter and David are my current obsessions.  Some people have said that religion is also an obsession of mine but I wouldn't classify it as such.  I define an obsession as an all-encompassing desire to study and learn all there is to know about a subject to the exclusion of all else.  An obsession takes up a massive amount of your time, energy and thoughts.  I enjoy learning about religions but I do not feel compelled to do so.  Here are my main obsessions in the order that I had them: Scooby Doo, hobos, Harry Potter, prosthetic limbs, Harry Potter, LOST, Harry Potter, David.  Still trying to get over David.  It's not that I mind having David as my special interest but I wish it was something else.  He fascinates me and I enjoy knowing about him but at the same time I know that it's weird and I wish it was something else.  It's been about two years now so I'm hoping it will stop sometime soon.  I've tried to phase it out by trying to find a new obsession but so far nothing has worked. It appears that I'll just have to wait it out and continue looking for something new to pique my interest.

Halloween/Autism Results

I love Halloween.  Didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do because I was babysitting my cousins and had to take them trick-or-treating.  It was very cold and raining.  Would have much preferred passing out candy at my grandmothers as I usually do.

Yesterday was also David's birthday, he's 56.  Which is still not that old.

I had my last autism appointment yesterday and received my results.  They told me that I have high-functioning autism.  I was not surprised.  I was a little upset.  Not upset that I have autism; I'm perfectly fine with that.  I was upset that the plethora of doctors and mental health professionals I've been seeing since I was three somehow managed to miss it for the last twenty years.  How much better would I be today if I had been diagnosed when I was younger and received the proper services?  My guess would be 'substantially.'  I was told last night by my aunt's partner who is a nurse and who works at a psychiatric hospital that she told my mother over ten years ago that she thought I should be tested for autism but my mother said I was fine.  I don't know whether I should be happy she didn't think there was anything wrong or upset that I missed out on ten years of having a diagnosis.  I haven't seen her since my appointment but we shall defiantly be having an in depth discussion about it.  It is nice to finally know what's wrong with me.  At least now I know there's a reason for my bizarre behaviors.

Nicholas Goober

Today's post has nothing to do with me and is instead a memorial post for my fur-baby Nicky.  Today was his birthday.  If we hadn't had to put him to sleep he would be thirteen.

Hanging out on the back deck, showing off his tumor.  Which was non-cancerous but we did end up getting removed.

Chilling on the chair he's not supposed to be sitting on.  Bad boy.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him and I have it as my desktop background.  Just taking a nap.

Resting on the lawn after a tiring game of Frisbee and fetch.

Playing in the snow, which he loved.

Mauling Elmo.  Though he was different than most dogs in that he didn't tear up stuffed animals, he just sucked on them and filled them up with saliva and left damp patches on the carpet which weren't very fun to step in.

Giving me an evil look in protest of having gotten a haircut.  He does not look happy about it.

Opening a Christmas gift.  It was a stuffed monkey.

Social Cues Part Two

On my last post about social cues a couple of people expressed interest in another post on the subject.  Here are some more social norms I’ve noticed.

• When talking to someone try to make sure your comments go with the conversation.  For example if someone says ‘I bought a new car.’ Your response should not be ‘I read a book about 18^th century France.’ I have a hard time with this one.  If I don’t know what to say I’ll either say nothing which makes for long awkward pauses or I’ll say the first thing that comes into my head, which if it doesn’t relate to the conversation also creates awkward pauses.  Try to make sure your statements are relevant.
• When one is in a public place whether it be at a store, restaurant, or school it is important to leave your shoes on your feet. 
• When in an elevator make sure you’re facing the door.  It’s considered odd to face the back of the elevator.  This is true for most elevators unless the elevator has a glass back that you can see out of.  It’s still rather odd but not as odd as to just be staring at the back wall. 
• Try not to talk to yourself in public.  People will think you are crazy.  I usually try to contain it, but if I can’t I’ll put headphones in (the apple ones that have the mouth piece) so people think I’m talking on the phone.
• Don’t bring unusual or unnecessary objects with you out in public.  This is more acceptable for children but as you get older you’re expected to stop bringing useless items with you.  Because I move around so much and am easily distracted, I usually have a few things in my backpack to help keep me focused.  I bring a few fidget toys with me to class every day because I listen much better when I have something to do with my hands.
• Don’t sit down on the floor in public places, especially if there is a chair.  I’ve found that there are several exceptions to this though.  It is acceptable to sit on the floor at school if you are waiting in the hallway for your class.  And you can sit on the ground outside but only if you’re either sitting on the curb or steps or at a park or like a grassy area.
• Don’t criticize people who haven’t asked you to do so unless it’s absolutely necessary (e.g. they are about to fail an important project or embarrass themselves in some way).  I tend to be very blunt and overly honest with people.  For example: if someone comes up and asks you how they look in their new outfit and you think they look terrible, it’s probably not a good idea to voice that particular opinion.  Instead you should say something like: ‘that really isn’t your color’ or ‘you’d look better with a different style of shirt.’
• Don’t refuse to shake someone’s hand.  I have trouble with this one.  Because I don’t like to touch people, especially people I don’t know very well (as is often the case with hand shaking, you will rarely be expected to shake hands with people you’ve met more than a couple times).  I used to, and still do, occasionally, refuse to shake people’s hands. 
• Don’t pepper your conversations with phrases from another language or with obscure words or phrasing that most people won’t understand.  For example: if you are talking to your friend, unless your friend happens to be a Russian doctor, it would be out of place to start speaking in Russian and using advanced medical terminology. 
• When eating in public or with other people it is important to use the proper utensils and not your hands.  

The Yes Philosophy of Life

I've decided to post my essay for my philosophy class on the Yes Philosophy of Life. I really enjoyed writing the paper.  I think it gives a lot of insight for my reasons for living.  I did much better than I expected, and received 100%.  Here we go.

The Yes Philosophy of Life

Life is worth living only if you have something to live for. 
       I am an atheist and believe in no afterlife or re-incarnation. As such I try to live for the now, for this life, because it’s the only one I have. I believe that the goal of my life should be to be as happy and well-adjusted as I can and to leave a positive impact on the people I have encountered once I’m gone. In the movie “Yes Man”[1] the protagonist Carl Allen suffers a nightmare of his friends finding his dead body and remarking that he never did anything with his life. This nightmare motivates him to get out there and to try new things; he does so and makes both himself and his friends much happier because of it. This is the reason to live: to be happy and to impart happiness to others.
       As someone who has attempted suicide and who still sometimes has suicidal thoughts the reasons I have for living vary from day to day except the most prominent of them, which never changes: The main reason I am still alive is because my family would be upset if I died. “William James”[2] states that living for others is not a good enough reason for living. I disagree; if you are still able to derive pleasure from life and other people help to impart some happiness to you and you impart happiness to them in return, why would you want to intentionally hurt them by dying? If other people are your reason for living and bringing joy to them gives you happiness I see no reason why you shouldn’t live for that.
       When I was attempting suicide, I was standing in the road trying to get run over and my boss came over and yelled at me. He said “You're going to kill yourself that way... You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.”[3] It made me realize that not only would I destroy the life of the person that ran me over but I would destroy my own life and the lives of my family and the others that cared about me. It is my right to live my life how I want to, and that includes dying if I wish it, but it is not my right to inflict unnecessary hardship on others.
       I live because I want to do something good with my life. I live because my family and friends will miss me if I’m gone and because it is not my right to inflict needless pain on others. I live because most of the time I enjoy being alive.
[1] Yes Man. Performed by Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel. United States: Warner Home Video, 2009. DVD.
[2] William James, The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy (New York: Longmans, Green and Comapny, 1931). 32-62
[3] Evens, October. "Stalking My Ex-Boss." Stalking My Ex-Boss. March 11, 2013. Accessed October 12, 2014. http://stalkingmyexboss.blogspot.com/.
  
I think it sums up my thoughts on living quite nicely.

Break Up with Silas/Autism Evaluation

Sorry I haven't updated in so long.  I'll make it up to you, I have several posts planned for this weekend.  Quite a bit going on with me.  Silas and I broke up.  My Grandmother broke her face.  I'm being evaluated for autism.  I've been dating a bit.  My class is going well.

Silas and I broke up.  He said that he could no longer handle the annoyances, insanity and talk about other men.  And Voloyda.  I understand that I'm annoying.  I understand that I'm not totally sane.  I understand Voloyda.  Not really sure I understand the talking about other men, Silas did agree to an open relationship and I never actually went out with anyone else.  We're still friendly though, let's hope he doesn't turn crazy like Voloyda did.  And while we're talking about Voloyda, Silas and I broke up and I told Dima who then told Voloyda who then sent Silas some semi threatening messages including:

• I just got an interesting text from my brother.  I told you not to hurt her.  What the fuck man?  I am NOT pleased.
• Fucking Tosser.
• Hanging out with your girl you stupid, stupid man.
• If she has another breakdown and winds up in the hospital because of you, you had best believe she won't be the only one in there.
• Bout to sleep with your girl brother.

For the record: I didn't have a breakdown.  And I most definitely did not sleep with Voloyda.

My grandmother fell at her house and totally bashed her face up.  It was horrible: black eyes, non-stop nosebleeds, bruises all over.  She didn't want to be home alone so I ended up staying over at her house with her for a couple days.  And after I left she got another really bad nosebleed and had to go back to hospital.  And then she ended up staying at my aunts' for two weeks.  She's back home now though.

I am being evaluated for whether I have an autism spectrum disorder.  I had my evaluation appointments and now just waiting for the results.  It was basically just two, two hour appointments where they asked me a bunch of questions about my habits.  And there were several packets to fill out.  My mother filled out an Asperger's checklist for me; out of seventy-five questions only four weren't checked and those were things like 'responds to name' and 'can count to ten.'  We shall see how it goes.  I find out the 31st.

Since Silas broke up with me, I've been dating a bit.  I went on a date with this one guy but it didn't really work out.  I'm talking to this other guy.  We've been on a couple of dates and have another scheduled for this Friday.

School is going really well.  I've done really well on my last few papers.  Especially the last one I wrote.  The topic was: Is life worth living and why I am alive.  I got a 100% and the comment that I am a 'brilliant genius.'  I really enjoyed writing the paper and I think it gives a lot of insight about my reasons for living.  I may post it on here.

Conversation with Voloyda 27

Voloyda and I were talking last week after LARP and somehow got onto the topic of David’s wife and he said something about what she must have thought about me hitting on David.  This was the following conversation.

O: I would imagine it was something along the lines of: ‘My husband is being hit on by his much younger coworker.  This is not an issue because I trust him.’

V: Ha!  Yeah, no.  It probably went more like: ‘My fifty-five year old husband who’s left me twice before, who I nag the piss out of every day and, who I haven’t had sex with in three months is being hit on by some floozy 1/3 his age.  I bet he’s already sleeping with her.  If I don’t do something now it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me again.’

O: May I ask why you’re portraying his wife as some sort of paranoid, sexually frustrated, harpy?  I’ve never actually met her but I would assume she’s quite pleasant.

V: That’s what women act like.

O: That is mildly sexist and I don’t know what kind of women you’ve been associating with but most of us don’t act like that.

V: You don’t act like that.  But most women freak out about everything.  You’re much more laid back about the relationship stuff than the average woman.

O: I don’t think so.

V: Believe me, you are.

I asked Silas if he thought I was lax about relationship stuff and he agreed with Voloyda that I was.  An amazement in itself because usually he goes out of his way to avoid anything Voloyda says or does.

As for David’s wife, she can’t be that bad; after all he did remarry her.

Six Month Pledge Revisited

Six months ago (I can't believe it's been six months since the restraining order expired) I pledged to another six months of blogging after which I would decide if I wanted to continue the blog or not.  Well, it's been six months and I've thought about it and decided to continue the blog.  I really enjoy writing it and you guys seem to enjoy reading it. 

One thing that really irritates me is when you're following a blog or a story or whatever and the person just stops with no mention of why or if they're planning on coming back.  That irritates me greatly and I always said I wouldn't do that.  For the time being I will continue to blog and if I reach a point where I no longer wish to continue I promise that I won't just stop without some sort of acknowledgement.  Here's to continuing the blog indefinitely.

School Update/Cedar Point

I haven't updated in a while so here's everything that's been going on.

Silas and I went and got an oil change and tire rotation for my car.  Everything went fine, we paid and left, we pulled out of the parking lot and you could feel the car going THUNK, THUNK, THUNK.  We stopped.  We looked at the car.  The tire wasn't put back on correctly.  On the right front tire, two of the lug nuts were so loose you could unscrew them with your hand.  What the hell?  How do you forget to screw all the lug nuts back on?  They were visibly loose.  How do you not notice that?  So we drove back to the shop and they tightened all the lug nuts.  The manager assured us that 'this rarely happens' and gave us a couple of coupons for a free oil change.

School is going semi-well.  I really enjoy my psychology class but I absolutely loathe my sign language class.  I'm horrible at it.  I can understand the signs themselves but I can't understand the facial expressions and body language that accompany them.  I think I'm going to drop the class and take a different language course in the future.  I'd much prefer to learn Russian but they don't offer it at the school I'm attending.  I may wait until I transfer schools and see if they offer it.

Last week at school, I was just standing there playing on my phone and some guy came up and asked me if I was 'all there.'  I don't even think I was doing anything weird at the time either.  I couldn't really think of a response so I just sort of stared at him for a few seconds and then walked off, which I'm sure confirmed his suspicions that I'm not 'all there.'  How exactly are you supposed to respond to something like that?  "Are you all there?"  "I don't know, are you incredibly rude?"

Silas and I went to Cedar Point last Saturday, which while fun probably wasn't the best idea because I had a cold.  Between the crowds and noise and lines and everything I usually always have some sort of meltdown in places like that and this time was no different.  Silas left me alone so he could go on a ride I didn't want to go on and when he came back I was gone and he had to go and look for me.  He left me in a particularly crowded area and it became a bit overwhelming so I went somewhere else.  He didn't really leave me alone for the rest of the day for fear that I would wander off and he wouldn't be able to find me.  Though we each had phones so even if I had wandered off he could have just called or texted.  If he had called me, I may not have been able to hear it though because I wore earplugs the entire time.  It's far too loud without them, but I don't think it was good to wear them for the 11 hours we were there because my ears still hurt.  I did have a lot of fun though, so I guess it was worth it.

That's pretty much all that happened.  I do have a couple of conversations with Voloyda to add but I shall post those at a later date.