Attack of Paranoia

Today I had a complete meltdown (probably the one of the worst I've ever had) because I thought someone was following me.  They (most likely) weren't.  I just freaked out for no reason.  On the way home from my grandmother's I stopped at the store to get some groceries.  I pull into the parking lot and a guy pulls in right next to me, for whatever reason this caused an immediate sense of dread even though I did not know this person and he had done absolutely nothing wrong.  So I go in and shop and when I come out he's standing between our cars, which I thought was rather odd but didn't think too much about it.  He get's back in his car, I load my groceries and get into mine and pull out.  He follows me out of the parking lot and down a couple side streets that lead toward my house.  I freak out and call my dad and ask if he thinks I should call the police.  The guy turns and goes another way.  I still freak out.  I randomly drive around for another 15 minutes before going home.

I arrive home, unload my groceries, lock all the doors and, still can't calm down.  I look out the window and think I see him drive by my house so I call the police.  They talked to me a bit and tried to calm me down (which didn't work) and said they would increase their patrol of the area.  I was still freaking out, by this point it was like a full blown anxiety attack.  I'm usually not the paranoid type but I kept thinking this guy would come back and break into my house.  I called Voloyda but couldn't bring myself to say what was going on because I knew he'd freak out and I didn't really want him at my house.  I called my BFF Theo and asked if he would come over and stay the night.  He said no because he had laundry and stuff and school tomorrow.  I begged him to come over and said he could do his laundry here and I would take him to school tomorrow.  He asked me what was going on and when I told him, he agreed to come over.  He said he was at school but his mom would be picking him up at 9 and he would call me when they got back home to come and get him.  

At this point it was around 8 o'clock so I had about an hour and a half  before he would call.  I tried to use my anxiety room but it didn't work (mostly due to the fact that a closet with no escape route isn't exactly the best place to be if someone breaks into your house).  I also didn't want to take my shoes off or set down my keys or bag in the event that I had to flee the house.  So I'm pacing around the living room, peering out the windows, when I decide I can't be in the house anymore and figure I should go for a drive instead.  I grab a knife (you know, just in case) and go out to my car and drive off.  I drove around a bit before I decided that it wasn't really helping and that I should stop somewhere.  I went and stopped in a parking lot.  I was still really pumped up at this point, it hadn't really gone down any and I was debating cancelling with Theo and just going to the hospital.  I didn't really want to go to the hospital but I would have felt safer there.  I ended up going back home and texting the crisis center, thinking maybe they could help me calm down a bit.  I texted with them for 30 minutes and it helped quite a bit but I still wanted to have Theo over.  Even though I wasn't freaking out anymore I knew I wouldn't sleep at all if I was alone in the house.

By now it was about 9:15ish and I decided to go out driving again, since Theo would be calling me soon anyway.  I was out for a bit, drove into the neighboring township (about 5 minutes away) and they he called and I went and picked him up.  We went back to my house, hung out a bit, made chili cheese fries, I did my homework, and he went to bed.  That about sums it up.

I'm not generally a paranoid person, I don't react to things that way, I have no idea what set me off.  I do have panic attacks but they're always about talking to people or getting stuff done on time or leaving the house.  I freak out about stuff like that, not some guy breaking into my house. 

*I will say that CrisisLink is a fantastic service.  I've used them on several occasions and they work wonderfully.  They'll talk with you about whatever you're struggling with, not just suicide.  And unlike most crisis prevention they have a texting service which is great if you're someone like me who has trouble with phone calls.  Texting number: 703-940-0888

Vehicular Issues

I haven't been having a particularly good week.

Last Friday my parents left for Florida without me.  They get to relax in eighty degree weather for two months while I'm stuck here where it's so cold my car door is frozen shut.  Every time they go on an extended vacation I have some kind of car malfunction and this time was no different.

I've been having some problems with my tire.  It had a slow leak and I've been having to put air in every week.  So on Tuesday I had to go out and the tire looked pretty low so I drove down to the petrol station 3 blocks away to fill it up.  Only when I got there, the tire completely detached from the rim.  I've never heard of that happening before.  So my car is broke, I have no money, and my parents are 1000 miles away.  I, of course freaked out.  My dad made some calls but couldn't find anyone to help me until later so I walked home.  About 20 minutes later I get a call back from my dad saying he got our postman to come and help.  Postman come and picks me up from the house and goes to the gas station where he and his brother put the donut on my car.  Then I had to drive across the street to the auto shop and buy a new tire.  Cost me 93$.  And I had to borrow 100$ from my grandmother so I can eat for the rest of the month.  Worked off 10$ already by shoveling her walkway.  Dad says when they get back from vacation they'll buy me a proper spare tire, so as to avoid these types of situations in the future.

So then Tuesday night I had therapy which because of my tire got canceled and then un-canceled twice that day.  We just had a big snowstorm the other day, there's about 18 inches of snow but by that point the roads weren't bad.  So I'm driving home from therapy and the guy behind me is right on top of me the entire way down my street.  So my driveway's coming up, and I put my blinker on about 4 houses earlier than normal to give the guy time to back off a bit.  I go to turn into my driveway.  He fucking hit me.  I pull into my driveway thinking he would follow me in, you know, like you're supposed to if you hit someone.  Nope.  He just drove off.  What the fuck man?  I will say that he it my very lightly and there doesn't appear to be any new damage to my car but still.  The legal consequences of a hit-and-run are far greater than the consequences of an accident.  It seems like the logical step would be to stop.  He's lucky I decided not to file a report.