End of Semester/Beginning of Summer Holiday

I did fine in my classes from last semester.  Maths was a bitch but I did okay.  My Lit course was interesting, we read some cool stuff.  American Multicultural lit, we read a bunch of different stuff: Arab, Asian, African, Hispanic, Native, and LGBTQ.  Introduced me to some cool authors.  I successfully did a presentation.  Ten minutes on any artist/author/musician in a way that relates to multiculturalism.  My presentation focused on autism/neurodiversity as demonstrated by John Elder Robison in his memoirs/autobiographies “Look Me in the Eye” and “Be Different.”  I do not like presentations but this one wasn’t that bad.  I wrote down exactly what I was going to say and was just able to read it off.  I got 100% on my presentation so not bad for my first successful presentation. 

School let out a month ago and I’ve elected to not take any summer classes as it would clash with the family reunion this year which is taking place in Branson, Missouri.  So, I get a nice enjoyable 3-month long holiday.  I’ve just been hanging out a home, reading, playing video games, donating plasma (that will be my next post), helping out my grandmother.  On Sunday, I have to go over and paint her front door and maybe the door to her garage.  But mostly I’m just relaxing at home and doing some fun day trips.  My parents and I went to Sandusky to pick some stuff up and we visited my great aunt for a bit.  Yesterday we, along with my sister and nephew went to Sauder’s Village (interactive museum about live in the 1800’s) for the day.

General Update - February 2017

I know I haven't updated in literally forever I've just been kind of lazy I guess.  I'll make an effort to update a bit more regularly.  For now since so much time has passed I'm just going to do a sort of short general post about the major stuff that has happened and may do some other updates about specific incidents if I can recall enough info.

• My depression has been a lot better since my med change.  No not nearly as many suicidal thoughts and my anxiety has improved as well. 
• I'm adjusting to my new therapist.  She's okay but she's not the same as Rachel and it still just feels kind of off.
• School is going well.  Passed my classes from last semester with A's and I'm doing well this semester.  I'm taking Multicultural Lit and my second remedial algebra class.  Thankfully after I finish this math class I only need one college algebra credit for my major.
• I won second place in my schools writing contest which my current Lit professor embarrassed me about by announcing it in front of the entire class.  I hadn't even known I'd come in second so that was really fucking awkward.
• I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• There's still been no news about my father's estate which I'm quite pissed off about at this point as it should have been settled a year ago.
• My stepfather has been having some medical issues lately.  Two weeks ago his tongue swelled up and then today he had some sort of seizure/fainting spell.
• My current special interest is the Lion Guard and I'm super excited for the final episode of the first season this Friday.
• I absolutely love the Fantastic Beasts movie and cant wait to get it when it comes out.  If you haven't seen it I strongly recommend it.  My favorite character is Credence.
• My friend/ex-boyfriend just revealed to me that he is sexually attracted to children, which really fucking grosses me out. He says he's not done anything but I reported it to the police just in case. I don't want to feel responsible if something happens.  I have enough shit of my own going on. I'm really unclear as to what I'm going to do about that situation.
• Alan Rickman's birthday is today and as per tradition I have binge watched Alan Rickman movies and baked a cake (which is technically for my grandmother's birthday tomorrow.)
• Voloyda is doing fine.  We've hung out a few times but he's not done anything noteworthy 

That's about it.  All I can think of at the moment anyway.  I may expand on some of the things listed above in their own posts if I feel inclined or if there's something specific you want to hear more about leave a comment and I'll make sure to expand on it.

General Update - October 2016

Hi friends, there's not really been a whole lot going on so this is just a brief, very basic update.  I'm doing a little better, not a whole lot but I finally had my psychiatrist and she changed my meds.  Now that I've quit the Effexor my headaches, sweatiness and sleep problems have gone away.  So that's good.  Unfortunately my car tire fucked up again.  My dad managed to find a used one at the junkyard so it was only $50 for the replacement.  School's going okay.  Over halfway through the semester now.  I'm passing both of my classes.  Generally everything seems to be going okay.

2016 Reunion/General Update

Greetings people.  I really am sorry I haven't updated in so long.  My depression has been kinda bad lately and I haven't really had the energy to write anything.  I can't remember if I mentioned it before or not (and I really can't be bothered to look right now) but my therapist, that I was seeing for years and who I really liked, quit and I've been having some issues adjusting to the new person.  She's not bad or anything, seems decent enough, but I don't really like her all that much.  I missed my last appointment and haven't rescheduled so it's been like a month and a half.  There have been a few incidents and I've been having some suicidal thoughts lately so I should probably make a new appointment.  But it's been forever since I went and so now I'm all stressed out about calling.  I don't handle phone calls well under the best of circumstances.  I need to discuss changing or adding my anxiety meds when I see my psychiatrist in September.

On a more positive note I did quite well in my sociology class this summer and passed with an A.  School starts back up for fall semester on Monday.  I was supposed to be taking history and English Lit but my English course got cancelled, which I was quite pissed about because as an English Lit major I need like 4 Lit classes and they waited until ten days before the semester starts to cancel it so the available class options were pretty slim.  I signed up for a psychology course as my replacement though and once I finish that I'll be done with all my social/behavioral credits.

We had the family reunion at the end of July.  It was a lot of fun.  Bonnie came but the only other relative I get along with well couldn't make it.  We had my step-father's annoying family down as well to come to the reunion.  Which I don't understand and didn't like because they are not part of the 'Cronwell' family.  It's a family reunion, and they are not part of that family, I don't know why my mother invited them.  And dad pitched a fit because he didn't want Bonnie, who admittedly is a little weird, around his precious daughter and granddaughters.  Because his family came down, especially because they brought an extra person without telling us before hand, we were short 2 beds.  We were already going to be short one but I had volunteered mine to Bonnie so she could stay with us and slept in my closet.  I don't like people to begin with and because of my autism I don't like change or unexpected things happening so it was just really stressful for me when everyone was in the house.

Bonnie and I went to the Zoo on Friday morning as she hadn't gone since she was a kid.  They updated the aquarium in 2015 and I've been to the zoo since then but there was always a huge line to go though the aquarium so I hadn't been through yet.  It's pretty cool.  By the time we were mostly done at the zoo my mother was calling and nagging me about when we were getting back to the house as we told her we would go and help her set up.  It was only like 1:30 and we said we'd be back around 2ish so I don't know what she was complaining about but whatever.  We went out and set up and spent a few hours hanging out in the pool before going back home.  Because we'd gone to the zoo, the cookies I was supposed to make got pushed to kinda the last minute and we ended up baking until like 11:30 that night.  Got them done though and people enjoyed them.

The reunion was great.  We had it at my mother's friends "John and Michelle's."  We've had it there before, I believe this was the third time though it could be the fourth, I had my graduation party there.  They live a bit out in the country and have a large pool, hot tub and pond with a paddle-boat.  Since I don't really like that many people and crowds stress me out, I spent most of the day swimming and taking with my aunt, grandmother, mother, Michelle, and Bonnie.  There were a few games, a pinata, the white elephant.  My cousin 'Bob' got stuck with this horrid unicorn plaque thing that I found at The Store for $4.  It was the ugliest thing I could find.  I'll see if we took a picture.  It was truly awful.  He said he was going to use it as a boat anchor.

The first week of August was spent watching my aunts' house as they went on holiday to Florida.  Eight whole days of hanging out with Titus and being away from my father.  It was nice.  (Plus I got paid $100 of which half went into my Christmas fund and the other half, because I'm terrible at managing money, was spent on buying a bunch of video games off of eBay.)  The first four days were spent studying (and by studying I mean mostly playing Skyrim and reading books with only a minimal amount of time spent actually studying) for my final exam in sociology but after that it was quite relaxing.  I love hanging out with Titus, almost as much as I loved Nicky.  Only thing I don't really like about him is that he snores like a fucking hippo and as soon as you make even the slightest movement like you're getting up in the morning, even if you're still asleep, he gets super hyper and starts racing around the room and jumping on you.  Can't say how many times I've been woken up by his feet jabbing into my kidneys.  Other than that though he's great, a big baby.

That's pretty much all that I've been doing.  I bought a new computer as my old one was purchased in 2011 and I really think it was about to fall apart.  My hermit crabs are doing well.  I've got a new one I named Merlin.  I wanted to get three more and name them Porthos, Athos and, Aramis but I went to four different shops and they either had giant ones or none at all and the last place had one and it was the right size so Merlin became a part of the colony.  I may still get three more and name them after the musketeers.  I'll try to update withing the next couple of weeks.  

Beginning of Summer Holiday/Myrtle Beach

What's up my loyal followers.  I've been having a good time lately.  I've done well in school, had a good holiday, and got some good news about my father's estate.  Things are going pretty well for me at the moment.  

I got an A on my autism paper and passed both of my classes with A's so that that's good.  I'm signed up for a summer class, which I'm not too thrilled about but I suppose it'll give me something to do.  It doesn't start till the 13th of June so I have another month before I have to go back.

I got some good news from my sister regarding my father's estate.  We've been kinda freaking out about what we were going to do with the oh so lovely house he left us but the city is going to take it back for us.  It will take some extra time, I was told an additional six to nine months, but at least we don't have to worry about it anymore.  Plus without having to take care of the house there should be some money left over for us.

I got back on Sunday from a week in Myrtle Beach.  I went down there with my parents and my sister and her husband and son.  It was a fun week.  We stayed at the Oceans 22 resort which was pretty cool.  We had an awesome suite with a great view of the city and the ocean.  Hung out at the beach, which was too cold to go swimming in but I went swimming in the pool.  My mother and I went to the Hopsewee plantation.  I thought it was really interesting but my mother didn't really like it all that much, she's not into history like I am though so whatever.  We walked down and took a ride on the SkyWheel which I pressured my parents into doing with me, though I don't know why as I'm terrified of heights and it really freaked me out.  It was a great view though.  We were in a pretty central place so we walked pretty much everywhere.  I did sprain my ankle the second day almost immediately at the beginning of a mile long walk to the boardwalk, it was of course right in front of my parents and this random woman who proceeded to laugh at me, so there was that to deal with all week.  It's still pretty sore.  We did a lot of shopping.  The boardwalk has this shop called the Gay Dolphin which had the most random collection of stuff.  We went to Ripley's Aquarium and I got to pet a stingray.  They're just a rubbery and slimy as I remember; I got to pet them before when I went to the Cayman Islands.  We went and seen the Pirates Voyage show dinner thing which was totally awesome, and if you get the change I would definitely recommend it. We went to Broadway at the Beach which was cool.  There's all kinds of fun shops there.  I found some new fidgety toys, a box (I collect wooden boxes), and some other little stuff like magnets and buttons.  There were several retro/pop culture shops that were really cool.  Mostly I bought postcards, my big purchase was a myrtle beach jacket.  

I also bought some hermit crabs.  And spent most of my money on putting together a crabitat.  It cost me over a hundred dollars and I still have stuff left to buy.  I didn't realize hermit crabs were so expensive and if I'd known how hard they are to take care of I probably wouldn't have bought them.  My sister and I had some when she was living here but I don't remember having all this stuff.  Please research your pets before you buy them.  They are pretty interesting though.  And they're nocturnal so I get to watch them crawl all over when I'm up watching movies at 3am.  

Treatments for Autism: Therapy or Torture

Here's my final paper for my Comp II class.  An 8 page (though mine ended up being 9 3/4 which is good because 10 was the max it could be) argumentative synthesis report.  I actually had a fun time writing it.  As you know I am autistic and autism is something I'm passionate about.  Plus people don't generally seem to know a lot about autism and the kinds of things we have to deal with so it's worth educating them a bit.  As I wasn't diagnosed at the time, the therapies I went though were not to 'cure me of my autism' but rather my ADHD, ODD, OCD, and social phobias and anxieties.  I've not had it graded yet but I'll let you know what I get.  Here it is:

Treatments for Autism: Therapy or Torture

          Autism is a neurodevelopmental disability characterized by difficulties in social situations, verbal and non-verbal communication and repetitious behaviors.  By current accounts Autism Spectrum Disorders, commonly referred to as ASD or autism, affect one in 68 children (“Data & Statistics”).  Questions have been raised as to whether the rates of autism are rising or if it is due to the changes in diagnostic criteria that have resulted in additional people receiving a diagnosis.  It is not known for certain what causes autism, but doctors are of the opinion that it is caused by a combination of environmental and genetic factors that occur during pregnancy.  Though there is no approved cure for autism, many therapies boast that they can reduce or remove symptoms so as to make the autistic person appear neurologically typical.  In an effort to normalize the autistic person, these therapies employ various methods which are generally physically or mentally harmful.  Most autistic people are of the opinion that any therapy with the goal of removing autistic type behaviors in order to make an autistic person pass as neurotypical is not therapy but abuse.  Quite a few of the most common therapies employed in the treatment of people with autism are not therapies; they are torture. 

          One of the most common recommended therapies for autism is Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), also referred to as the Lovaas method after Dr. Ivar Lovaas who created it, in which positive and negative reinforcement techniques are employed so as to bring about a change in behavior.  Generally, the behaviors that ABA seeks to change are those that make the autistic person comfortable.  Sparrow Rose, autistic advocate and author of the blog Unstrange Mind, says the following about ABA therapy:

                     ABA’s core belief is that forty hours per week of therapy geared

                    toward making a child externally appear as “normal” as possible

                    will “fix the brokenness” inside that made the child behave that

                    way. ABA believes in an extreme form of “fake it until you make

                    it,” and because it is behaviorism at its most pure — that is, a

                    psychological science that treats internal processes as irrelevant

                    to function (Lovaas said, ‘you have to put out the fire first before

                    you worry how it started’) — it treats behavior as meaningless

                    and unwanted actions rather than as communication.

Ignoring the fact that autistic people are not broken and that no amount of therapy will cure them of being autistic, this therapy is supposed to occur 40 hours a week for children as young as two years old.  What type of child, autistic or neurotypical, has the fortitude to not only maintain their current functioning, but also to learn and improve while forced into basically a full time job?  These children are forced into a state of perpetual exhaustion. 

          The goal of Applied Behavior Analysis is to get the autistic person to conform to the neurotypical standard.  Amy Sequenzia, non-verbal autistic advocate, states that the ABA she went through was disrespectful to her autonomy.  She was not allowed to say no or to make her own choices (“Non-speaking Autistic Speaking”).  In a separate article, Sequenzia goes on to say that ABA therapy consists of the therapist, regardless of the autistic person’s wants or needs, commanding the autistic person to perform a task, to give a response, and to suppress their natural movements (“Autism Women’s Network”).  The autistic person sits through forty hours a week of being told to and often forced to make eye-contact, to point to the right item, to say what the therapist wants to hear all while being told that they are not good enough, told that normal people can do this without issue, told that if they cannot or will not do this they are useless.  The ABA therapist then takes this beaten down and exhausted autistic person and says: ‘See look, it does work.  This person no longer exhibits x autistic behavior.’  Part of ABA’s ‘success’ is not due to the breakdown of autistic behaviors, but the fact that the autistic person is so exhausted they do not have the energy to do them.  Applied Behavior Analysis does not teach skills, it teaches compliance and that autistic people do not have the right to say no.  ABA teaches people with autism to ignore their natural movements and behaviors and to do things that they find unnatural or painful in an effort to appear normal.

          Similar to ABA is Systematic Desensitization Therapy which differs from Applied Behavior Analysis in that while ABA typically focuses on building up ‘positive’ behaviors, the focus of systematic desensitization is to eliminate the ‘negative’ ones.  People with fears or sensitivities to things tend to avoid them; the purpose of desensitization therapy is for the individual to overcome their need to avoid things by gradual exposure to the feared item with the end goal of complete ease around it (“Desensitization”).  The methods used are repeated exposure to whatever is causing the negative reaction.  Autistic people generally suffer from an unusual amount of sensory sensitivities.  These sensitivities can be anything from being blinded and feeling intense pain from bright or fluorescent lighting, to the skin feeling as if it is being ripped off when touching certain textures, to loud or unexpected noises resulting in a stabbing sensation in the ear. 

          In order to cure the autistic person of their ‘unnatural’ reactions to these situations, the therapist would purposely and repeatedly expose them to the thing they are sensitive to.  I have been through this type of therapy.  The above listed sensitivities are my own; I have problems with lights, textures, and noises.  In an effort to cure me of my ‘abnormal’ reactions, the therapist would randomly shine a blinding light into my eyes, or blast an air horn.  I remember screaming and crying while my hands were forced into unpleasant and painful textures.  I remember hiding under the table crying after having honey smeared on me because ‘being sticky is part of everyday life and it’s something you have to get used to.’  Being sticky is most definitely not a part of everyday life; normal people, like they were attempting to make me, do not walk around all day being sticky.  I went through this painful and unhelpful ‘therapy’ and it did nothing; if anything, it made me worse.  Fifteen years later and I still suffer with lights and textures and noises.  

          Popular among people who believe autism stems from a physical or environmental cause, some parents are dosing their autistic children with Miracle Mineral Solution, MMS, also known as Chlorine Dioxide.  For the layperson, chlorine dioxide is more commonly recognized as bleach; yes, that bleach, the kind that is used to clean clothes and sanitize kitchens and bathrooms.  Dr. Andreas Kalcker, biophysicist and chlorine dioxide researcher, is of the opinion that not only is autism treatable, it is curable with Miracle Mineral Solution.  Kalcker claims that in the past three years the Miracle Mineral Solution treatment, which entails having the autistic person consume anywhere from one to 60 drops of MMS per day, has cured 133 children of autism (Kalcker).  This statement of 133 cured autistic people has not been verified by any reliable source, nor is a supposed success rate of 133 out of the tens of thousands of people who have been administered this ‘cure’ a miracle.

          The theory behind MMS as a treatment for autism stems from the fact that chlorine dioxide can kill parasites, bacteria, and viruses, which some people believe to be the cause of autism spectrum disorders.  Miracle Mineral Solution does kill off those things, but it wreaks havoc on the body in the process.  MMS is a dangerous poison; it would be unwise to think any good could come from ingesting it.  Even if Miracle Mineral Solution did cure autism, doctors say that it is not worth the risk.  The FDA warns people against its usage stating: “The product, when used as directed, produces an industrial bleach that can cause serious harm to health. … High oral doses of this bleach, such as those recommended in the labeling, can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and symptoms of severe dehydration” (“Miracle Mineral Solution”).  MMS can also cause damage to red blood cells, which can lead to the development of anemia and in severe cases, respiratory failure.  Well-intended parents and doctors are poisoning autistic people with Miracle Mineral Solution.  Autistic people are suffering, forced by their parents or doctors into taking this dangerous toxin.

          Chelation, like Miracle Mineral Solution, is another dangerous and unproven treatment for autism.  Proponents of this method believe that autism is caused by a surplus of heavy metals in the blood and through chelation those metals can be removed.  Chelation is performed by injecting the autistic person with the chelating agent, ethylene diamine tetra-acetic acid, EDTA, which binds with the heavy metals in the blood so that they can be easily passed in the urine.  Though not generally dangerous when used as intended for heavy metal poisoning, when chelation is used as a treatment for autism there can be severe and potentially life-threatening side effects including fever, headache, nausea, vomiting, heart failure, abnormally low calcium levels, permanent kidney damage and bone marrow depression (“Chelation Therapy”).  Chelation therapy has led to the death of at least one child; five-year-old Tariq Nadama died from cardiac arrest elicited by low calcium levels shortly after receiving the treatment.

          Even with the risks, many parents swear by chelation therapy, stating that it has recovered or cured their child’s autism.  Special education advocate and mother of an autistic son, Lisa Brown, claims that within three months of starting on chelation therapy her son Ben exhibited “lower outbursts, less aggressiveness, better concentration, much more language, reading skills, and personal control” (“Autism Mom Shares”).  Steven Novella, neurologist and editor of “Science-Based Medicine,” believes that chelation does nothing to cure autism and giving it to children is highly unethical.  Novella goes on to state:

                     Children with developmental and neurological disorders will often

                    improve as they age. This background maturing can easily be

                    mistaken for improvement in response to a treatment. There is also

                    the numerous psychological effects that highly motivate parents to

                    believe their children are being helped, even when they aren’t (such

                    as confirmation bias and expense justification). The simple fact is

                    that history has shown that anecdotal evidence is not reliable.

There has been no dependable evidence that chelation therapy is successful at curing autism spectrum disorders, yet autistic people are being forced to go through this life-threatening treatment. 

          Some people believe that autism spectrum disorders can be cured or reduced by physical means, which have resulted in the following therapy methods.  Banned in the United States but popular in France is a bizarre form of hydrotherapy known as packing which involves tightly wrapping autistic people in cold, wet blankets.  During a packing session, autistic people are stripped down to either their undergarments or completely naked and wrapped on all but their head as tightly as possible in wet towels and sheets that have been soaked in freezing water.  The ideal temperature for the towels and sheets used in this treatment is a mere 50 degrees Fahrenheit.  For reference, water below 70 degrees Fahrenheit can lead to hypothermia in as little as 15 minutes (“The Facts on Hypothermia”).  The autistic person is tightly wrapped in these freezing sheets, covered with an additional dry blanket, and kept like that for 60 minutes during which time they are encouraged to talk to a psychologist.  This therapy is administered from once a week to every day depending on the severity of the person’s autism.  Doctors in support of this practice claim that it, “reinforces childrens’ consciousness of their bodily limits” (“Packing Therapy and Autism”).  Many autistic people have trouble recognizing their bodily limits.  Proprioception is the sense that tells where the body and limbs are in space and in relation to each other, which for reasons that have yet to be determined, are lacking in people with autism spectrum disorders.  This lack of proprioception input is the reason many autistic people have erratic movements and seem unduly clumsy.  Being tightly wrapped provides a strong sense of where the body is, which does reinforce the perception of the persons’ bodily limits.

          If it were not for the cold temperature and lack of control on the part of the autistic person, this could actually be a useful therapy.  Many autistic people crave the sort of deep pressure that being tightly wrapped provides, which speaks to the success of deep pressure providing items such as weighted blankets, body socks, and Dr. Temple Grandin’s hug machine.  However, the difference is that autistic people willingly choose to use those things; no one would choose to be forcibly bound in towels cold enough to induce hypothermia.  Oliver Bousquet, former psychiatric nurse and father to a non-verbal autistic boy, said that while his son enjoys deep pressure, “It is very difficult to imagine my son wrapped in sheets, without being able to make a movement. He would be distressed but he would not be able to express his distress” (qtd. in Spinney).  Most doctors are of the opinion that packing is an unethical and demeaning treatment that violates the rights of the people subjected to it. 

          In the 1960’s, prior to Dr. Lovass’ development of ABA therapy in the treatment of autistic people, one of the methods Lovaas employed was aversion therapy, sometimes referred to as aversive therapy.  One of the most controversial methods in the treatment of autism, aversion therapy involves using electric shocks as a way of curing unwanted behaviors.  In 1965, an article titled "Screams, Slaps & Love A Surprising, Shocking Treatment Helps Far-gone Mental Cripples" from Life Magazine describes how aversion therapy was used in the treatment of a nine-year-old autistic girl called Pamela who kept showing autistic behaviors during reading lessons.

                     To give her something to be anxious about she was taken to the

                    shock room, where the floor is laced with metallic strips. Two

                    electrodes were put on her bare back, and her shoes removed.

                    When she resumed her habit of staring at her hand, Lovaas sent

                    a mild jolt of current through the floor into her bare feet. It was

                    harmless but uncomfortable. With instinctive cunning, Pamela

                    sought to mollify Lovaas with hugs. But he insisted she go on

                    with her reading lesson.  She read for a while, then lapsed into

                    a screaming fit. Lovaas; yelling ‘No!’, turned on the current. 

                    Pamela jumped – learned a new respect for ‘No.’

In the 50 years that have occurred since this article was published, one would think some new, less abusive methods would have been developed in the treatment of autism, and methods such as shock therapy would no longer be employed.  Unfortunately, that is not the case; aversion therapy is still used as a treatment for autism.
          The Judge Rotenberg Center (JRC), which treats people with severe mental illness and developmental disorders, is one of the only locations in the country where aversion therapy is still regularly performed.  JRC states that aversion therapy is the only non-pharmaceutical cure for bad and destructive behaviors in autistic people.  Glenda Crooks, JRC’s executive director, says that while the shocks are painful they do not cause any injuries; however, former employee Greg Miller argues against that, stating JRC patients regularly received severe burns from the treatment.  Aversion devices today are now easily contained in a backpack like apparatus referred to as a Graduated Electronic Decelerator (GED).  The GED device, which some people are forced to wear for up to 24 hours a day, is attached to electrodes placed against the person’s skin and controlled by a remote control carried by a doctor, nurse or staff member.  Jennifer Msumba, an autistic woman, who received aversion therapy for things like head-banging and hand movements while at the Judge Rotenberg Center asserts that, "I felt like I was being punished for being born. Because I was disabled I was being punished” (qtd. in Werner). Msumba further stated, "It's so scary. I would ask God to make my heart stop because I didn't want to live when that was happening to me. I just wanted to die and make it stop."  This sort of treatment is completely unacceptable.  The United Nations believes the use of aversion therapy is torture and claims that it would not even be legal to use on convicted terrorists (Willingham).  Autistic people receiving aversion therapy are being treated worse than terrorists; in what universe is that anywhere near acceptable? 
          I am fortunate in that the treatments I have received for my autism were not of the sort that caused any severe permanent damage.  The abusive Applied Behavior Analysis and Systematic Desensitization therapies that I endured, while horrible, have not caused me any irreparable harm.  Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for many of the other autistic people who have been forced into these torturous therapies.  The answer as to whether a therapy is abusive or not can be summed up by asking the question: would this be considered abusive if it was done to a typically functioning person?  Would it be acceptable to force a neurotypical child to drink a bleach mixture to solve their tantrums?  Would it be acceptable to force a two-year-old child to perform the same monotonous tasks for forty hours a week regardless of their wishes?  Would it be acceptable to perform shock treatments on someone for moving their hands?  The answer is of course: no; this is not acceptable.  It is time to do away with the notion that autistic people are broken and needing to be fixed.  It is time to do away with therapies promoting a neurotypical standard.  It is time to do away with these abusive and torturous treatments for autism. 

24th Birthday/General Update

I know it's been a while since I updated (my finished essay about transgenderism was posted earlier) I've been busy with school, the anniversary of my father's death, my birthday,  my disability hearing, Easter, and my cousin Ryker's birthday was today.

My birthday was the 16th.  My parents were in Florida, as they were last year as well, so I went out with my grandmother and my aunt and her family.  They gave me some money which went into my vacation fund.  I went out to eat with my parents and sister after they came back.  My mother got me a men's watch; it's batman themed.  Plus she paid for my license tag.  I'd picked out my own birthday card a while ago because she had a coupon at hallmark.  It was blue with a dog and was addresses 'to my son.'  She of course forgot it when they went on vacation and instead sent me a pink, flowery, glittery card addressed 'to my daughter.'  It upset me greatly and when I brought it up to her after she got back she said she only chose it because of the message inside.  I'm sure there was a son card with a similar message but whatever.  She did give me the men's batman watch and the son card I'd picked out but I think it was only because I was near tears when I was talking about the daughter one.

School is going well, only four weeks left to the semester, I have one big paper due for comp2, which I'm already half finished with, and a bunch of math stuff, which I'm not really finished with.  Currently getting A's in both the classed so let's hope I finish out the semester well.  I'm registered for summer and fall classes.  I'm taking sociology this summer, which I think will be interesting.  For fall I've signed up for American multicultural lit and American history, so those should be fun.

My stepsister and her annoying family came down for Easter.  It went about as well as it usually does, which is to say that I don't like annoying children in my house and I couldn't wait for them to leave.  Everyone was there on Saturday including my sister's family, my aunt's family, and my grandmother.  As is typical in that situation we ran out of chairs and I ate my dinner on the kitchen floor.

It is now April which of course means it is national poetry month.  I will as usual be posting several of my poems, starting tomorrow, maybe, if I remember.  April is also national autism month which I generally do not participate in due to the loathing I posess for Autism $peaks.  Look at this site, http://www.boycottautismspeaks.com/, to find out more about why that is.  I did do the 'light it up gold' thing last year which I didn't hear anything about this year but I did find out about the #REDinstead campaign.  Last year it was called 'Walk in Red.'  That site can be found here: http://walkinred.weebly.com/about.html. 

Transgenderism: A Mental Condition or Normal Human Variance

I don't really have anything interesting going on so I figured I would post my essay that I'm working on.  It's not totally done, I'm going to add some personal stuff (which I'll add into this one when I finish), but I think it's pretty good so far.  Sorry for the weird formatting I copy and pasted it over.
UPDATE: Here is my finished essay.  I did very well on it and got a 97%.  Only one paper left to do this semester.  I'm almost done with that one.  I chose how harmful certain autism therapies are as my topic.  It's coming along nicely.

Transgenderism: A Mental Condition or Normal Human Variance

       Transgender is an umbrella term denoting people who identify themselves to be of a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth.  For instance, a female identified person may feel like she was born in a wrong body because her feelings, behavior, clothing, body characteristics, voice, and hairstyles are those of a male. Most transgender people go through hormone replacement therapy in which they are given either estrogen or testosterone in accordance with their gender identity.  Sometimes transgender people go to the extent of having surgeries to change their appearance and their sexual organs to align with their gender identity.  Transgender people try to make their expression of gender align with the gender they identify with internally.  According to recent American polls, quite a few people understand what to be a transgender person means.  Many people throughout the world overly discriminate and harass transgender people not knowing that transgenderism is not a mental condition but rather a normal human variant.

       As a mentally ill transgender person I know a fair bit about both.  Along with being a transgender male I also have depression, anxiety, and autism.  To me, being transgender does not in any way feel like a mental disorder.  My mental disabilities bleed into every aspect of my life, preventing me from going out, from talking to people, from doing the things that normal people can do without issue.  Being transgender does not negatively impact a person from within in the same way as a mental illness.  Rather it is society that places undue hardships onto transgender people.  Most of my family does not acknowledge that I am transgender; every time I bring it up they pointedly ignore it and change the subject.  When I do push them about it, they insist that I am a woman that I will never be a man.  This is hurtful and it’s not much better out of the house and amongst strangers.  I have had people call me offensive names, I have had people move as if they were going to assault me, and I have had people yell at me for trying to go into the bathroom.  When out in public I fear for my safety.  Transgender people have a one in twelve chance of being murdered solely for being trans and the people who kill us get away with it by claiming they were so shocked about us being trans that they could not help it.  This is unacceptable.  Transgenderism is not a mental illness; we are not sick, or crazy, or dangerous, we are just people trying to get by the same as everyone else.

       Several questions have been raised as to whether being a transgender person is a mental disorder.   The American Psychological Association recently argued that being a transgender person is not a mental illness.  The association made these changes to its manual known as DSM-5 and instead focused on the people who are usually distressed by their gender identity (Basu).  This idea is re-emphasized by Dr. Johanna Olson in an interview with ABC News.  He says that doctors, therapists and psychiatrists who have treated transgender people do not align it as a mental disorder.  They believe that it is a normal variation of gender identity that causes little distress to a person who does not know how to deal with the world anymore (Burke). 

       Many experiences such as discrimination, assault and being outcasted are the ones that cause the transgender population to suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or actions and other common mental health disorders.  At a rate of ten times the national average an estimated 41% of transgender people will attempt suicide at some point in their life.  

               Because mental illness as well as gender non-conformity is still 
               stigmatized in our society, many transgender individuals suffering with 
               depression are in the unfortunate position of having to contend with two 
               stigmas, which in turn can exacerbate their mental health problems. 
               When a people who identifies as trans has internalized society's negative 
               view of them, it is often the case that they do not seek out the treatment 
               they need (Scutti).

The APA argued that according to the analytical and statistical guide of mental disorders, those who go through complex gender incongruence are normally given the diagnosis of gender dysphoria.  Ariel Williams, who is a writer-artist and also a transgender person, concurs with this argument, saying that some people explain the diagnosis inappropriately as pathologies gender non-congruence and that it should be removed.  He goes ahead to say that they are convinced that it is an essential to hold on the diagnosis to ensure easy accessibility to care.  He identifies the international classification of diseases (ICD) in undergoing revision, and changes might occur to the current classification of stubborn, persistent incongruence. (Steinmetz)

       During the 1990s, the transgender population faced social stigma from society and were placed in the same category as pedophiles.  Williams explains the reason as to why people call transgender people mentally ill is because before a person can receive hormone replacement therapy or get surgery, they must receive at least two years of treatment from a psychologist or therapist to prove that they are not mentally ill.  This means that before conducting a surgery the doctor must assure them that they are not suffering from delusions that could be causing the difference in their gender identity.  Williams thinks that these issues are the ones that contribute to the society’s wrong thinking about the transgender.  He further believes that it could be very easy if people took the matter as easier to understand.  Dr. Dana Beyer, LGBT civil rights describe a similar situation, restating that the new development outlines a clear understanding of transgender people and will help bring an end to the stigmatization and discrimination with the rest of the community (Basu).

       It is not known why transgenderism occurs.  According to the American Psychological Association, transgender people do not choose to be born transgender but rather face a situation where their gender identity is not the same as their birth sex.  An article by Time magazine outlines that a lot should be done about the transgender rights.  If nothing is done, our cultures may as well disappear into discrimination and segregation.  The transgender population should be given the right to do whatever they want, including using the restrooms of what they feel they are, male or female.  For them having a comfortable and safe place to go to and people to talk to, transgender people could feel at home and not feel like strangers when around people.  The Center for American Progress also shares similar views, arguing that a time had come to embrace change and treat everyone equally, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.  In a recent article, the issue was revisited by the Center for American Progress:

               State and local governments should put into place policies and practices 
               that treat all workers the same, regardless of sexual orientation or gender 
               identity. These policies are good for gay and transgender workers.  They are 
               good for efficient and effective government.  And they are good for the 
               American taxpayer.  The time to act is now.  (Burns, Graham and 
               Menefee-Libey 37)

However, as of today, the debate still continues, and not all scholars and psychiatrists believe that being transgender is not a mental condition.  Dr. Paul R. McHugh, who is the current Distinguished Service Professor of Psychiatry at John Hopkins Hospital, differs sharply with the APA, arguing that indeed transgenderism qualifies as a mental disorder.  He continues to explain that the condition should be treated rather than pursuing alternatives such as sex change, which according to him is biologically impossible.  McHugh emphasizes that the idea of promoting surgeries aimed at sexual reassignment among transgender people only results in more harm and promotes a mental disorder.  Jim Goad, author and publisher, makes a similar point, arguing that undergoing surgery to change a person’s sex is not the solution for transgender people.  He continues to explain that transgender people suffer a disorder of “assumption” and that this is similar to other mental disorders (“If We Can Be”).

       Society should learn to accept the transgender population as people.  Reading of books so as to understand them much better can help to change people’s views.  Language also matters most to the transgender population. Certain phrases and words should be avoided when talking to transgender people so as to not say something offensive or transphobic.  The entire community should embrace the transgender community so as to move forward in building our nation's awareness. Therefore, transgender people deserve equality, and they should not be discriminated or harassed because of their gender identity but rather the society should accept that every person is different in their unique way.

School/Christmas Update

What's up people?  Sorry it's been ages since my last update.  Between school and the holidays I've been pretty busy.  I've been busy but not a whole lot of interesting stuff has been going on so I expect this to be a rather boring update.  

I passed my fall semester with two B's so that's pretty good.  I would have done better but I couldn't be bothered to go to class everyday.  I wrote some decent papers which I may post on here at a later date.  Three weeks into the current semester and everything is going well.  I'm taking Composition 2 which I have no concerns about; I love writing.  I am also taking algebra which I am concerned about.  I suck at maths.  However I've got 19.75 out of 20 points so far in the class and aced my first test in there so hopefully I'll do okay.  I sent my professors an email beforehand letting them know I'm autistic and trans and my preferred name.  For the most part it's been okay.  They both asked about any accommodations for my autism and there have only been two name slip-ups.  They haven't messed up my pronouns at all so that's good.  

I watched my aunts' house over the holidays and as usual spoiled their dog.  I got and gave some cool stuff for Christmas.  Some books and some tv series relating to my new special interest of Britain.  My most useless but also one of my favorite gifts was a cardboard cutout of Severus Snape.  It's awesome.  I thought for sure it would freak me out in the morning to wake up and see someone standing there but it's been fine.  I'm very upset that Alan Rickman has died.  A large portion of my Christmas money has gone to purchasing 8 new Alan Rickman movies.  I also bought this shirt: http://www.teeturtle.com/products/always which is awesome.  And like 20% of the cost went to the Cancer Research Institute.  

Great news in that I finally, after over two years of waiting, have got a date for my disability hearing.  So hopefully that'll go through and I'll get some money.

That's about it.  As I said nothing very exciting has happened lately.  I'll update again soon, promise I won't go another two months without updating.

General Update

All of these things happened between July 18th and September 1st.

Had a little bit of a rough patch about a month and a half ago.  My step dad and I sometimes don't get along well and we clashed a bit.  He was screaming that I needed to  move out and I was screaming that I wasn't going anywhere and that I'd rather die than be homeless.  And he was going on and on about how it's his house, and I'm driving him crazy and I ruined his marriage.  And I'm freaking out because I don't have anywhere else to go.   So I grabbed this knife and said if he wanted me out of his life that bad I'd stab myself in the throat and he'd never have to deal with me again.  And Mom's crying and telling me that I didn't ruin their marriage and I didn't have to go anywhere and trying to get the knife away from me and yelling at him to shut up.  I was totally freaking out.  I really probably should have gone into the hospital but after I calmed down I was mostly okay and didn't end up going.

This part is kind of gross so if you're squeamish you may want to skip to the next paragraph.  A few days after the above incident I went upstairs at 11;30 to find my mother sobbing in the kitchen.  The end of her finger was completely black and swollen so I ended up taking her to the emergency room.  The doctor numbed it up and then sliced the skin open right above her finger nail and all kinds caramel colored pus and blood shot out.  It was awesome.  Mom's really not into stuff like that and covered her face the entire time so she wouldn't have to see.  The doctor said if I liked stuff like that I should consider going into the medical field.  I took her to her GP the next day and they ran some blood work and it turns out she has MRSA.

My grandmother has diabetes and lately her blood sugar has been bottoming out.  The day after all of the above happened with mom I had to spend the night at grandma's because her sugar bottomed out and the paramedics wouldn't let her stay home unless someone came over.  Well I was the lucky person that gave up my evening to go over there.  Normally I would have been happy to do so but it was Thursday night and ten minutes before Impractical Jokers came on.  I watch one show on TV and somehow it always gets interrupted.  So she calls me and asks if I can come over I said I would but could she wait an hour so I could watch my show first and the paramedics said no.  I drove all the way over there missing my show and the pie I had made, and had to sleep in the uncomfortable bed and then she bitched about taking me out to breakfast the next morning.  Ungrateful much?  I ended up watching the episode on iTunes the next day while eating my special peanut butter pie but it was still an inconvenience.  When I told my therapist the above happening she both laughed and said it was inconsiderate of me to have asked if I could watch my show before going over.  

On a more positive note (or would it be negative?) it has yet to be seen how it plays out long term, but Voloyda and I have mutually decided on a platonic relationship.  We decided to separate two months ago with no hard feeling on either side and it has gone quite well.  We still hang out occasionally as friends and there have been no issues, apparently he's been seeing someone new.  I've also been going out with a new partner.  I met them (preferred pronoun they/them/their) online in a genderfluid group and found out they live in my city so we've been out several times.  I shall call them 'S' for simplicity.  We attended Pride together which was fun and I learned how to drive a stick shift after S got too buzzed to drive us back to my house.

I am quite happy to say that I am officially over David as my special interest.  I thought Impractical Jokers would replace him but it hasn't and now I've been special interest-less and it's so boring.  What the hell am I supposed to do all day without a special interest to occupy me?  I've been looking into things but so far nothing has stuck.  Hopefully I'll find something soon because life is rather boring with only my minor special interests to occupy me.

David's Softball Part 3/General Update

Greetings comrades.  I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.

School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing.  I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class.  Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda.  Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.  

David is once again playing on the senior softball team.  I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted).  And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there.  You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking.  I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.

As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold.  Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special.  Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him.  Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough.  A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee.  So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace.  I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.

That's about it.  The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee.  I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then. 

Christmas 2014

Happy Holidays to everyone.  I hope you had a good time this holiday season.  I certainly did.  I got some good gifts.  Pretty much everything I asked for.  I got new bed-coverings and pillows, a futon mattress for my closet, several gift-cards, several books, winter boots, a couple puzzles, some movies, clothes, contacts, magic sand, money, and various other items.  Everyone liked the gifts I got them.  Which I would hope they would seeing as I spent a small fortune.  I really enjoy buying people presents.

As I have for the last three years, I watched my aunts house.  Which worked out great because my stepsister and her family came down and I find the children quite annoying.  Spent some quality time away from my family.  Bought Titus a lot of toys.  He was certainly spoiled this past week.

Still have to exchange gift with my sister, Andie.  We're doing that on Wednesday.  And I'm meeting up with Theo tomorrow to exchange gifts with him.

That's pretty much it.  I've registered for classes for next semester.  Three classes.  Biology, which counts as two, lecture and lab. And English.  I really wanted to take Ethics with my professor from last semester but that class was filled so I'm going to try to take it next semester.

School Update 3/Christmas Shopping

I passed my class with an A-.  Yay me.  Much improved from last semester.  My mother says I have to go full time next semester so I'm going tomorrow to meet with my adviser to register for classes.  So nervous about that: I hate talking to people.

I got all of my Christmas shopping done.  Purchased my last gift yesterday.  I have most of my wrapping done as well.  Waiting for my last package to arrive in the post and then I'll have all of my wrapping done.  I love wrapping gifts.  I find it fun and relaxing.  I spent tons of money this year, more than I could really afford to but I got everyone some nice gifts.  A lot of it was bought on Black Friday so I got some good bargains.  But I still ended up spending over $600.  For me not having a job that's quite a bit of money.  But I like to give people presents so I guess it was worth it. 

Thanksgiving/School Update 2

I hope that all of my American followers had a nice holiday weekend.  And a nice weekend for everyone else as well.  We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday evening instead of Thursday because we went shopping.  I got nearly all of my Christmas shopping done.  I only have two gifts left to buy, three gifts if you count a present for my aunts dog.  Who I shall be watching over the Christmas holiday's as I have done for the last three years.  It's nice to get out of the house for a week.

I only have two days of classes left for school.  We have to do presentations about who our favorite 'superhero' is.  I'm doing mine on Temple Grandin.  Mostly because we have to choose a person we can relate to, but I never really relate to people.  Everyone seems so different from me, I think it's the autism.

The Yes Philosophy of Life

I've decided to post my essay for my philosophy class on the Yes Philosophy of Life. I really enjoyed writing the paper.  I think it gives a lot of insight for my reasons for living.  I did much better than I expected, and received 100%.  Here we go.

The Yes Philosophy of Life

Life is worth living only if you have something to live for. 
       I am an atheist and believe in no afterlife or re-incarnation. As such I try to live for the now, for this life, because it’s the only one I have. I believe that the goal of my life should be to be as happy and well-adjusted as I can and to leave a positive impact on the people I have encountered once I’m gone. In the movie “Yes Man”[1] the protagonist Carl Allen suffers a nightmare of his friends finding his dead body and remarking that he never did anything with his life. This nightmare motivates him to get out there and to try new things; he does so and makes both himself and his friends much happier because of it. This is the reason to live: to be happy and to impart happiness to others.
       As someone who has attempted suicide and who still sometimes has suicidal thoughts the reasons I have for living vary from day to day except the most prominent of them, which never changes: The main reason I am still alive is because my family would be upset if I died. “William James”[2] states that living for others is not a good enough reason for living. I disagree; if you are still able to derive pleasure from life and other people help to impart some happiness to you and you impart happiness to them in return, why would you want to intentionally hurt them by dying? If other people are your reason for living and bringing joy to them gives you happiness I see no reason why you shouldn’t live for that.
       When I was attempting suicide, I was standing in the road trying to get run over and my boss came over and yelled at me. He said “You're going to kill yourself that way... You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.”[3] It made me realize that not only would I destroy the life of the person that ran me over but I would destroy my own life and the lives of my family and the others that cared about me. It is my right to live my life how I want to, and that includes dying if I wish it, but it is not my right to inflict unnecessary hardship on others.
       I live because I want to do something good with my life. I live because my family and friends will miss me if I’m gone and because it is not my right to inflict needless pain on others. I live because most of the time I enjoy being alive.
[1] Yes Man. Performed by Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel. United States: Warner Home Video, 2009. DVD.
[2] William James, The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy (New York: Longmans, Green and Comapny, 1931). 32-62
[3] Evens, October. "Stalking My Ex-Boss." Stalking My Ex-Boss. March 11, 2013. Accessed October 12, 2014. http://stalkingmyexboss.blogspot.com/.
  
I think it sums up my thoughts on living quite nicely.

School Update/Cedar Point

I haven't updated in a while so here's everything that's been going on.

Silas and I went and got an oil change and tire rotation for my car.  Everything went fine, we paid and left, we pulled out of the parking lot and you could feel the car going THUNK, THUNK, THUNK.  We stopped.  We looked at the car.  The tire wasn't put back on correctly.  On the right front tire, two of the lug nuts were so loose you could unscrew them with your hand.  What the hell?  How do you forget to screw all the lug nuts back on?  They were visibly loose.  How do you not notice that?  So we drove back to the shop and they tightened all the lug nuts.  The manager assured us that 'this rarely happens' and gave us a couple of coupons for a free oil change.

School is going semi-well.  I really enjoy my psychology class but I absolutely loathe my sign language class.  I'm horrible at it.  I can understand the signs themselves but I can't understand the facial expressions and body language that accompany them.  I think I'm going to drop the class and take a different language course in the future.  I'd much prefer to learn Russian but they don't offer it at the school I'm attending.  I may wait until I transfer schools and see if they offer it.

Last week at school, I was just standing there playing on my phone and some guy came up and asked me if I was 'all there.'  I don't even think I was doing anything weird at the time either.  I couldn't really think of a response so I just sort of stared at him for a few seconds and then walked off, which I'm sure confirmed his suspicions that I'm not 'all there.'  How exactly are you supposed to respond to something like that?  "Are you all there?"  "I don't know, are you incredibly rude?"

Silas and I went to Cedar Point last Saturday, which while fun probably wasn't the best idea because I had a cold.  Between the crowds and noise and lines and everything I usually always have some sort of meltdown in places like that and this time was no different.  Silas left me alone so he could go on a ride I didn't want to go on and when he came back I was gone and he had to go and look for me.  He left me in a particularly crowded area and it became a bit overwhelming so I went somewhere else.  He didn't really leave me alone for the rest of the day for fear that I would wander off and he wouldn't be able to find me.  Though we each had phones so even if I had wandered off he could have just called or texted.  If he had called me, I may not have been able to hear it though because I wore earplugs the entire time.  It's far too loud without them, but I don't think it was good to wear them for the 11 hours we were there because my ears still hurt.  I did have a lot of fun though, so I guess it was worth it.

That's pretty much all that happened.  I do have a couple of conversations with Voloyda to add but I shall post those at a later date.

Start of School

I decided to go back to school.  I’m taking 2 classes as opposed to the four I originally signed up for.  Last week was the first week of school and everything went okay.  I’m taking sign language and philosophy.  Philosophy seems like it will be okay but I’m slightly worried about sign language.  The professor says you have to be able to both read and show facial expressions and body language and I’m not good at that at all.  We’ll see how it goes; if I really have a hard time with it, I can drop it and take a different language course next semester.  I did get a little nervous in class on Wednesday and started chewing on a pen which I ended up biting through.  It wasn’t very pleasant so I ordered some chewy necklaces online for me to gnaw on as opposed to pens, pencils, or my fingers.

My anxiety has been a bit out of control lately so I decided to put together an anti-anxiety/distraction box to keep in my car to help me if I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack.  It should be especially helpful with school.  Last semester I freaked out rather often and spent quite a bit of time wandering around campus trying to calm down instead of being in class.  Obviously the more time I actually manage to stay in class the better.  I managed to do okay last semester but I know I would have done better if I had managed to sit through all of my classes.  I put together the anti-anxiety box so maybe instead of disappearing from classes for an hour or just not going back at all that day maybe I'll only be gone for 30 minutes.

Currently my anti-anxiety box contains: a slinky, my favorite book, some puzzle books, brain teasers of various types, a blanket, a sheet, a stuffed animal, coloring books and crayons, a notebook and pens, granola bars, family photos, my emergency anti-anxiety medication, hard candies, my Gameboy advance and games, playdoh, gum, bubbles, bottled water, stress ball, a small bottle of my dogs ashes, a light up superball, a squishy rubber dinosaur, string to make bracelets, a bandana my dog used to wear, and a set of Chinese ringing balls. I also always have my phone which is filled with relaxing music.

I usually don’t have panic attacks at home but if I do or if I’ve had a trying day, I’m currently in the process of turning my closet into an anti-anxiety room.  I’m agoraphobic and part of that is disliking open spaces (along with crowds, people, the outside and various other things) so the thought of hanging out in a small closet actually seems appealing.  I much prefer smaller spaces; they feel safer.  I’m strange, I know. 

Finals

I haven't updated in a few days.  I have been super busy this last week and the blog kind of got pushed to the bottom of my priorities list.  Tomorrow is my last day of school for the semester and I have three finals.  Kind of freaking out about it a little bit.  Studying is my main priority right now.  I am still working on my phobias list and will update tomorrow about my fear of poliomyelitis and the next fear I wish to overcome: earthquakes.

The Presentation

I gave my presentation in class today.  Everything went better than expected.  I did not faint or have a massive panic attack like I feared.  I attribute my success to two things; the first of which being that I took a triple dose of my emergency anxiety medication 30 minutes before class and the second being that the professor let me give the presentation from my seat instead of making me go to the front of the class.  I was still very uncomfortable and stumbled over my words quite a few times despite the fact that I was reading directly from my paper but I did not faint.  I count this presentation a success. 

Presentation Preparations

I had planned a post on pansexuality for today (sorry Markus, you'll have to wait) but more pressing matters have pushed it back.  Now on top of studying for two huge tests, I also have to prepare for a speech I have to give tomorrow.  It appears I must tackle my fear of public speaking earlier than anticipated.  I don't do speeches.  Even thinking about giving a speech causes extreme nervousness.  However this speech is a huge part of my grade and the professor is unwilling to make any accommodations so it appears I must present.  And since I'll be very uncomfortable, I figured I would pick a mostly taboo subject and make everyone else uncomfortable as well.  My topic will be: attempted suicide.  My attempted suicide to be exact.  And maybe a bit on the restraining order as well.  I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes.  Hopefully I don't faint.