Social Cues

On my post Conversation with Voloyda 26, I was asked what I meant when I said I didn’t understand normal social interactions.  Now obviously I can’t write about the social cues I’m missing because I don’t realize I’m missing them.  I can however write about the social cues I used to miss or misinterpret.  Here are some of the unspoken rules of society that I have a hard time understanding.  And just because I’ve recognized these rules doesn’t mean I’m the best at following them.  I often mess up. 

• I have a hard time both reading and showing body language and facial expressions.  The facial expressions are probably because I don’t tend to look at people’s faces when I’m speaking to them.  And when I do look at people’s faces, I often think they’re giving me ‘looks’ when they’re really not.  Eye contact is very uncomfortable for me so I usually avoid it.  I tend to rely more on vocal tone for gauging emotions, which usually works but not always.
• Even if you don’t care you’re expected to ask people how they are.  And if someone asks the question to you, you’re supposed to say you’re fine, even if you’re not.
• If you are at someone’s house and they say ‘I have to work in the morning,’ or ‘It’s getting late.’  That means they want you to leave.  I don’t understand why people don’t just say “It’s time for you to go.”  If someone is at my house and I want them to leave I just tell them.
• Unless it’s an insult or some other type of inappropriate comment, you should always acknowledge when someone has said something to you.
• Try to make sure that your facial expressions match the meaning of what you are saying.  For example if you’re talking to someone and say ‘I’m sorry your cat died,’ you wouldn’t say it while smiling.  Your facial expression should match what you’re saying and if you can’t do that, you should at least try to keep your expression neutral.  I have a lot of trouble with this one.  If I’m nervous or unsure of what to say I often make a sort of half smile/half grimace type expression which I’m sure looks odd and rarely fits into the context of the conversation.
• No matter how goofy or attractive you think someone looks you should try to avoid staring at them.  Especially their breast or genital region.  I can only imagine the number of times David caught me staring at him with a glassy-eyed look.
• If you are having a conversation with someone and want it to end, ignoring the person or just walking away is considered rude.  You should instead say something like ‘I really have to be going now’ or ‘I just remembered I was supposed to call my______.’
• When looking for a potential romantic partner, someone who is your boss, married, and thirty-three years your senior probably isn’t the best option.  Most people would realize this instinctively, but I had to learn the hard way.
• Try to refrain from making unexpected sounds or movements.  This is another one I have difficulty with.  Not so much the sounds but the movements, though I do often catch myself making a strange monotone humming/buzzing noise.  I often have weird body spasms/twitches that I rarely notice I’m doing and when I do notice them I have a hard time controlling it.  I also do things like hand flapping, springing up from seats, jumping up and down, skipping, randomly sitting down, spinning in circles, etc.  These types of movements might be acceptable for children but they are out of the ordinary for adults.
• Your speech should ‘match’ with the person you’re talking to.  For example the phrase: ‘Hello.  How are you?’ would be an acceptable way to greet your boss but is probably overly formal for greeting your best friend.  I’ve had various complaints about my speech including things like: my voice is monotone; I speak overly fast; it sounds as if I am quoting something; I speak in an overly formal manner; I don’t ‘have a conversation’ I ‘make statements;’ my vocabulary is strange (apparently normal people don’t say things like: parched, trod upon, and you as well, expeditiously, salutations, fortnight, carbonated beverages).
• No matter how much you want to, you shouldn’t grab someone else’s possessions without asking.
• When someone says they have to leave for a doctor's appointment, it is rude to ask them why they are going to the doctor.

It’s due to my lack of understanding and general awkwardness that causes me so much trouble in communicating with people.  And when I do bring myself to talk to someone it doesn’t take very long for them to realize I’m different.  With the lack of eye-contact, weird body movements, odd manner of speech, etcetera, it’s usually within the first five minutes of the conversation that the other person realizes there’s something ‘off’ about me and the tone of the conversation changes.  Their vocal tone changes, they start speaking more slowly, they use simpler words, and they ask questions like ‘did you get that?’ and ‘you understand what I’m saying, right?’  Basically they start speaking to you like you’re a child.  And you just want to shake them and scream “I’m not stupid!”  

The condescending behavior is especially noticeable when you’re in a group of people.  For me the best example of this was probably back when I was working.  The managers treated me differently.  I wouldn’t say they treated me like I was stupid, because they didn’t, but they didn’t treat me the same as everyone else.  Their behavior tended to improve the more they got to know me but they never completely treated me like they did the others.  Except for David.  David acknowledged that I was different and he said he found me puzzling, but he was never patronizing.  It was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. 

Start of School

I decided to go back to school.  I’m taking 2 classes as opposed to the four I originally signed up for.  Last week was the first week of school and everything went okay.  I’m taking sign language and philosophy.  Philosophy seems like it will be okay but I’m slightly worried about sign language.  The professor says you have to be able to both read and show facial expressions and body language and I’m not good at that at all.  We’ll see how it goes; if I really have a hard time with it, I can drop it and take a different language course next semester.  I did get a little nervous in class on Wednesday and started chewing on a pen which I ended up biting through.  It wasn’t very pleasant so I ordered some chewy necklaces online for me to gnaw on as opposed to pens, pencils, or my fingers.

My anxiety has been a bit out of control lately so I decided to put together an anti-anxiety/distraction box to keep in my car to help me if I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack.  It should be especially helpful with school.  Last semester I freaked out rather often and spent quite a bit of time wandering around campus trying to calm down instead of being in class.  Obviously the more time I actually manage to stay in class the better.  I managed to do okay last semester but I know I would have done better if I had managed to sit through all of my classes.  I put together the anti-anxiety box so maybe instead of disappearing from classes for an hour or just not going back at all that day maybe I'll only be gone for 30 minutes.

Currently my anti-anxiety box contains: a slinky, my favorite book, some puzzle books, brain teasers of various types, a blanket, a sheet, a stuffed animal, coloring books and crayons, a notebook and pens, granola bars, family photos, my emergency anti-anxiety medication, hard candies, my Gameboy advance and games, playdoh, gum, bubbles, bottled water, stress ball, a small bottle of my dogs ashes, a light up superball, a squishy rubber dinosaur, string to make bracelets, a bandana my dog used to wear, and a set of Chinese ringing balls. I also always have my phone which is filled with relaxing music.

I usually don’t have panic attacks at home but if I do or if I’ve had a trying day, I’m currently in the process of turning my closet into an anti-anxiety room.  I’m agoraphobic and part of that is disliking open spaces (along with crowds, people, the outside and various other things) so the thought of hanging out in a small closet actually seems appealing.  I much prefer smaller spaces; they feel safer.  I’m strange, I know. 

Conversation with Voloyda 26

This was the conversation Voloyda and I had in response to my previous post.

V: Why'd you have to say it like that?  You make me sound like some kind of crazy person.
O: You are a crazy person!  No normal person would look at your behavior and think it was a good idea.  Hell, I'm far from normal and even I can tell it's fucked up.
V: You're just as crazy as I am.
O: I'm inclined to disagree.  I wouldn't do half the things to do and somehow manage to get away with.
V: The secret to getting away with things is to follow all of the small rules so when a larger rule is broken they don't suspect you.  And if they do suspect you, having the right friends and enough money can get you out of almost anything.
O: I would hesitate to call some of the people you associate with 'friends.'
V: Friend or not, there is no doubt that knowing the right people is a definite benefit.
O: Until you piss of the wrong person and wind up dead in the gutter.  No thanks, I'll just follow the rules and then I won't have need of 'friends' like that.
V: I'm not going to wind up dead in the gutter.
O: Let's turn it around, shall we?  Ivan was your 'friend' and someone you had done 'business' with in the past and then you stabbed him.  Who's to say that wouldn't happen to you?
V: Allegedly stabbed.  What happened with Ivan was a misunderstanding.  I thought he turned me into the police; you can't do that to your brothers.  And he didn't wind up dead in the gutter.  No one winds up dead in the gutter.  And me and Ivan are totally fine now.
O: Everything you just said proves how crazy you are.  First off, if you didn't break the law, you wouldn't have to worry about people turning you into the police.  Second, normal people don't solve their problems by stabbing someone.  And thirdly, I don't care how many times someone says they're fine with it, no one is fine with the person who stabbed them.
V: Allegedly stabbed.  And that was quite a while ago.  I don't really hang out with those people like I used to and I'm not like that anymore.
O: I didn't say you were.  I was just pointing out that your behavior, both past and current, is out of the ordinary.
V: So what if my behavior is strange?  Name someone who doesn't have any strange behaviors.  You can't because people like that don't exist.
O: I never said people's behavior wasn't odd, just that your behavior was stranger than average.
V: As is yours.
O: I make no objection to that; I am well aware that my behavior is out of the ordinary.

I would think following the smaller rules in an effort to avoid unwanted attention on larger broken rules would only work if people weren't already on to you.  Voloyda has not only broken large rules but quite a few smaller ones as well, which is why people already regard him with suspicion.  As for his so called 'friends' let's just say that some of them are not the most of savory of people and I certainly wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of them.  I'm not saying they're all bad but when you hang around with thugs and criminals, the chances of you winding up dead are far greater than if you were hanging out with a group of school teachers or accountants.  On the topic of other people's behavior, I am constantly baffled.  I don't know if it's because of my social phobias or what but I have quite a bit of difficulty understanding people's behavior.  I've been trying for years and I still can't seem to get a grasp on the normal social interactions that seem to come so easily to everyone else.

Voloyda's Craziness Part 21: David's Softball Part 2

There's not really a whole lot going on with me.  I'm mostly just relaxing before school starts back up again.  I am registered for classes and everything but I really don't want to go back.  My mother is sort of forcing me back into school but I don't really want to go.  That's not to say I don't want to go back ever, because I do want to go back at some point, just not right now.  I'm just so stressed out and I'm trying to find the right combination of medication, I just feel that now isn't a good time for me to go back.  I would really like to get myself a little more together first.  I'm barely hanging on as it is and adding school on top of everything else just seems like a bad idea.  I actually wouldn't mind taking one class of Sign Language but a full schedule just seems a little overwhelming.

On a more positive note, Silas and I reached our one year anniversary.  He took me out to dinner and to see The Guardians of the Galaxy.  The movie was totally awesome.  It was definitely worth seeing.  He also ran over my foot with his car two times in as many weeks.  I can now say from personal experience that it hurts a lot more without shoes on and I have bruises all over the top of my foot and strange red lines that match the tread of the tire.

I've been reading quite a bit lately and read seven-and-a-half books equaling about 3000 pages over the last week and a half.  The movie The Giver is being released next week so I reread the book in preparation and am currently rereading the third book in the series.  I didn't know Lois Lowry wrote a final book to the series and when I went to the bookshop they didn't have it so I had to order it online.  So I should be receiving "Son" along with the four other books I ordered by the end of the week.

Voloyda continues to be as annoying as always.  He was angry I ruined his plan to get me to run into David when I refused to go to his brothers' lacrosse game.  I understand his anger; if I had been planning something for over a year and spent nearly $200 on it I would be angry if it failed.  He's probably used to it by now though.  None of his plans to get me to run into David have worked.  He has far more patience than I, I'll give him that, I would have given up long ago.  I only hope that since he has apparently been in the same place as David every Thursday for the past two-and-a-half months that he hasn't done anything stupid.  As it is, I haven't been visited by the police with another restraining order or called in to testify against him for his own restraining order so he obviously hasn't done anything too bad.  Let's hope that continues.

He found out last year that David played on the softball team and for whatever reason didn't tell me then, but held onto the information for over a year apparently hoping David would decide to play again this year.  He either found out David had signed up for this year as well or just hoped he would and signed up his brothers for a game that played the same time as the senior softball games.  It's a good thing his little brothers like lacrosse; with the way Voloyda operates I wouldn't be surprised if he had just forced them into whatever was convenient for him.  He also sent me every picture of David he could find on the senior softball website and several that weren't on the website.  As for the photos that weren't on the website, I really hope he found them somewhere else online as opposed to having taken them himself, though knowing how crazy he is it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was the one that took them.  I can imagine him now: hiding in the bushes snapping photos.  

One of the photos I was unable to locate on the senior softball site.