Trans Name

I know I said a while ago that I was genderfluid but I don't really think that describes me correctly so I now identify as non-binary trans or just trans.  I present as masculine all of the time and have chosen a new guy name for myself.  I try to keep this blog as anonymous as possible so I won't be sharing my chosen name but know it shares the same initial as my birth name and I quite like it.  I've chosen a new middle name for myself as well which does not have the same initial as my birth name but I'm still working on that one and may switch it yet.  My original middle name was Marie after my grandmother and I've been looking for another M name but haven't found anything yet.  I was thinking of doing Michael which was my father and grandfathers name but I don't really like it and it feels weird because we weren't close.  Anyway I chose the middle name Oliver and from now on I will be referring to myself as such on here.

This seems like a good time to bring up my mother's confusing behavior.  So I started making changes to my appearance and hinting that I wasn't a woman 7/8 months ago and came out as trans* 5 months ago and my mother has been mostly okay with it.  I say mostly because sometimes she's on board and then other times not so much.  It just really makes me wonder what she's thinking.
6 months ago she paid for me to get a manly haircut
2 1/2 months ago she let me order a binder on her credit card until I could pay her back
Last month she made no comment when I ordered some packers and told my dad not to say anything when I made my packer STP in the kitchen
Last night she bought me more guy clothes and a men's toiletry kit
Yet last week when I asked her to call me Oliver (not name I requested) and use male pronouns she flat out refused.  And the week before she said she wished I would be a girl again.  WTF mom.

Dad's House

As you know my father passed away in March and one of his assets was a house.  It was actually his girlfriend's house and they weren't living there (and you'll see why) but for whatever reason it was in his name.  Here is the wonderful house my sister and I have to find a way to get rid of.

Right inside the front door.  There were piles of trash like this throughout the house.

The nicest part of the house.  Notice the odd dirty patches on the walls.

The side door in the kitchen.  As you can see it's very beat up.  The duct tape is covering a large split in the door and it had been kicked in so many times all the wood along the door frame had been broken off so it was impossible to lock.

The kitchen.  The pipes under the sink weren't even connected to anything and all the tiles had been stripped from the floor.  I think the oddest part about the kitchen was that while the house was nearly completely empty there was a full set of dishes in one of the cabinets.

Standing in the kitchen looking into the basement.  Take note of how light it is for being the basement of a house with no electricity.

Another shot leading into the basement.

You can't really tell in the picture but there were all kinds of loose pipes hanging from the ceiling like someone had tried to rip them out before deciding it was too much trouble.

More rubbish.

And this is why it was so light down there.  The entire wall had caved in and led directly into the garage.

All the junk inside the garage.  The roof of the garage had fallen in as well so you could actually stand in the basement and see the sky outside through the roof of the garage.

Noticed this as we were walking out.  What the fuck.  You're gonna need more than some DIY books to fix this place up.

We had called a locksmith out to get us into the house as we didn't have a key only for him to show up and push the door open.  The front door wasn't even locked.  All the floors had been stripped and had severe water damage and rotting to the point that you could feel the floor bending when you walked across it.  There was a second floor that we didn't go up to due to the stairs being on the side of the house where the wall had caved in.  Who knows what was up there.  

If anyone's looking for a place to live, I'll sell it to you real cheap. For real the house needs to be condemned.  How on earth do you let a house get to that condition.  I don't even know.  Now we're trying to sign it over to the city for the taxes owed on it.  I hope they take it as I don't want to be stuck with it.

Masculine Presentation

I'm going to be talking about trans gear and trans related topics in this post.  Including binders, fake penises, and stories about standing to pee.  If you don't want to hear about any of that I suggest you skip this post.

OMG!  Where did my boobs go? 
I got my binder six weeks ago from GC2B.  I got the black half tank and it cost $37 with shipping and it took three days to arrive.  I'd heard they were hard to get into the first few times until you get the hang of it and it stretches out a bit, the first time I tried to put it on I couldn't get it on all the way and I nearly killed myself by getting it caught around my neck when I tried to take it off.  I stretched it out over a pile of books overnight and also found it easier to put it on over a t-shirt.  Now I can throw it on and off really easily and it flattens my chest quite well.  It's way more comfortable than I thought it would be as well, a bit like a hug.

I've got a cock, bro.
I have currently have three packers that I ordered online.  One by Doc Johnson, PackerGear and, Mr. Limpy.  Here's a basic run down of the packers.

Brand	Type	Bought From	Price	Notes
Doc Johnson	Lite 4 inch Vanilla	Amazon	$14	Firmest of the three Smells like vanilla, it’s not unpleasant but will be noticeable if someone is close to your crotch Shortest overall length Sits well in pants, produces a small but noticeable bulge
PackerGear	4 inch Vanilla	Tranzwear	$9.50	Shortest shaft length of the three Most realistic shaft  I’ve not yet used this to pack as I turned it into an STP and I haven’t mastered it yet Squishiest of the three
Mr. Limpy	5.5 inch Vanilla	Tranzwear	$10.50	Hangs down better than the others Most realistic balls Creates a noticeable but not obscene bulge My current favorite to pack with

STP means Stand-to-Pee
If you don't want to hear about toileting accidents I suggest you skip this part.  A while ago I wanted to learn to STP so I made one.  I used the medicine spoon method which let me say was a complete disaster.  I tried for a week and just ended up covered with piss every time, it just didn't fucking work.  It's a good idea to practice in the shower and I'm quite happy I listened to that advice.  The spoon really wasn't working and after looking around online I came across a bottle nipple type contraption with tubing.  I didn't have tubing but I did manage to attach a nipple to the medicine spoon and use it far more successfully in both the shower and at the toilet.  So successfully in fact that I decided I was ready to try without removing all of my clothing which as you can imagine ended badly because why would I expect anything different?  There was urine everywhere and my mother was all pissed off because she had just replaced the rugs in the bathroom.   

It was at that point I decided to order a proper STP tubing and packer,  I got my STP tubing and nipple apparatus already assembled from Tranzwear for $12, you could buy them individually for cheaper and assemble them yourself but I figured since I didn't know what I was doing best to leave it to them.  You could also get an already assembled STP but it was a bit more expensive and I figured how hard could it be to shove a hole in a fake dick.  So it took about 3 weeks to arrive, there is a 7-10 business day processing time.  I saw some videos on how to do it and it didn't look that hard (but of course it was).  Basically you heat up a metal poker and then shove it through the packer so you can put the tubing in.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well the first time I shoved it through it went in crooked, came out the side and I burnt the fuck out of my fingertips.  It went in straight on the next try but it took forever to get the tubing through.  You're supposed to pull the stick out, spread the packer open and run water through it so the hole doesn't seal up.  I don't know if I was doing it wrong or what but it took fucking forever.  It actually turned out pretty well though and I can pee out of it way better than my medicine spoon contraption.  Still working on mastering it, so for now I've been doing it in the shower.  

I'll be right with you, sir.
Which is what the cashier at the dollar store said to me three weeks ago as I was waiting to check out.  First time anyone ever addressed me as a male and it made me super happy.  I'm sure I was smiling like an idiot.  Then over the past week a man at the Anderson's addressed me as 'young man' and when I took my grandmother to the casino the checker almost didn't let me in because I look nothing like my ID and he didn't believe I was the same person.  I don't generally use public bathrooms but yesterday I was sent to the store by my mother and ended up touching a gross thing and needed to wash my hands.  I went to the women's bathroom because I've only been out for a while and I don't pass as a man.  So I'm washing my hands and a woman comes out of the stall.  She looked at me for a second and told me I was in the wrong bathroom and I didn't belong in there.  lol.  I guess I pass better than I think.

Links for everything mentioned
Binder: gc2b.co
Packers and STP tubing: tranzwear.com
All about STP's: http://transguys.com/features/stp
Do-it-yourself STP tutorial (not exactly how I made mine but similar): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4ut1o1rKvE
This last link is to my packers so if you don't want to see my junk I suggest you leave: http://imgur.com/a/Livdr

Teal Pumpkin Project

I was going to wait and post this for Halloween but figured I'd post it now for those who may want to participate.  For those of you who haven't heard of it, it's not too late for you to participate in the teal pumpkin project for kids with allergies.  Instead of or along with regular candy you offer non-food treats such as bouncy balls, bubbles, stickers, pencils, glow sticks, etc.  We're giving out candy and toys.  I was going to post a picture of my pumpkins and toy bucket but the pumpkin still needs another coat of paint so I think I'll add the photo later.

Our Pumpkins.  Mine's the castle one.  I may post another photo of them tonight lit up.

Some of the non-food treats I bought.  Includes: coloring books, Gatorade band, bubbles, jump rope, tops, hot wheels, necklaces, Disney wands, silly bandz and Halloween erasers, yo-yo's, putty eggs, boats, hacky-sacks, pencils and glow sticks.

If you're interested in participating in the Teal Pumpkin Project, more information can be found here:
http://www.foodallergy.org/teal-pumpkin-project#.Vi7QlPmrSM9

Guy Clothes

This was not the post I had planned to write but well I was doing laundry and the clothes were on my bed and then I figured I'd post about it and here we are.

Since I realized I'm trans* I've been slowly accumulating a collection of 'guy clothes.'  I don't have a whole lot, but I have a semi-functional wardrobe.  I started off owning a single pair of sneakers and now I have 2 weeks worth of undergarments, 2 pairs of shorts, 2 jumpers, 2 dress shirts, a hoodie, a pair of pajama pants, 8 t-shirts, a pair of pants, a winter jacket, boots and, a binder.  It's quite the collection I've got.  My next purchase will be a pair of jeans, I'd have got some already if they weren't so expensive.  I never really noticed until now (but I've never laid out my clothes like this before either) that I don't really have any bright coloured clothing.  I seem to favour dark and neutral coloured clothing,  The brightest thing I have is my green triforce shirt.  I'll have to invest in some more colouful clothes.

You can see my Baymax plushie at the top, he's so soft and cuddly.  Big Hero 6 is awesome, but not as awesome as Wreck-it Ralph.  I wish they had Wreck-it Ralph plushies.  You can also see that I like Harry Potter and Sweeney Todd.  Care to guess why?  It is of course: Alan Rickman!  He's more awesome than Big Hero 6 and Wreck-it Ralph combined.  Though I suppose Harry Potter is awesome even without Alan Rickman. 

General Update

All of these things happened between July 18th and September 1st.

Had a little bit of a rough patch about a month and a half ago.  My step dad and I sometimes don't get along well and we clashed a bit.  He was screaming that I needed to  move out and I was screaming that I wasn't going anywhere and that I'd rather die than be homeless.  And he was going on and on about how it's his house, and I'm driving him crazy and I ruined his marriage.  And I'm freaking out because I don't have anywhere else to go.   So I grabbed this knife and said if he wanted me out of his life that bad I'd stab myself in the throat and he'd never have to deal with me again.  And Mom's crying and telling me that I didn't ruin their marriage and I didn't have to go anywhere and trying to get the knife away from me and yelling at him to shut up.  I was totally freaking out.  I really probably should have gone into the hospital but after I calmed down I was mostly okay and didn't end up going.

This part is kind of gross so if you're squeamish you may want to skip to the next paragraph.  A few days after the above incident I went upstairs at 11;30 to find my mother sobbing in the kitchen.  The end of her finger was completely black and swollen so I ended up taking her to the emergency room.  The doctor numbed it up and then sliced the skin open right above her finger nail and all kinds caramel colored pus and blood shot out.  It was awesome.  Mom's really not into stuff like that and covered her face the entire time so she wouldn't have to see.  The doctor said if I liked stuff like that I should consider going into the medical field.  I took her to her GP the next day and they ran some blood work and it turns out she has MRSA.

My grandmother has diabetes and lately her blood sugar has been bottoming out.  The day after all of the above happened with mom I had to spend the night at grandma's because her sugar bottomed out and the paramedics wouldn't let her stay home unless someone came over.  Well I was the lucky person that gave up my evening to go over there.  Normally I would have been happy to do so but it was Thursday night and ten minutes before Impractical Jokers came on.  I watch one show on TV and somehow it always gets interrupted.  So she calls me and asks if I can come over I said I would but could she wait an hour so I could watch my show first and the paramedics said no.  I drove all the way over there missing my show and the pie I had made, and had to sleep in the uncomfortable bed and then she bitched about taking me out to breakfast the next morning.  Ungrateful much?  I ended up watching the episode on iTunes the next day while eating my special peanut butter pie but it was still an inconvenience.  When I told my therapist the above happening she both laughed and said it was inconsiderate of me to have asked if I could watch my show before going over.  

On a more positive note (or would it be negative?) it has yet to be seen how it plays out long term, but Voloyda and I have mutually decided on a platonic relationship.  We decided to separate two months ago with no hard feeling on either side and it has gone quite well.  We still hang out occasionally as friends and there have been no issues, apparently he's been seeing someone new.  I've also been going out with a new partner.  I met them (preferred pronoun they/them/their) online in a genderfluid group and found out they live in my city so we've been out several times.  I shall call them 'S' for simplicity.  We attended Pride together which was fun and I learned how to drive a stick shift after S got too buzzed to drive us back to my house.

I am quite happy to say that I am officially over David as my special interest.  I thought Impractical Jokers would replace him but it hasn't and now I've been special interest-less and it's so boring.  What the hell am I supposed to do all day without a special interest to occupy me?  I've been looking into things but so far nothing has stuck.  Hopefully I'll find something soon because life is rather boring with only my minor special interests to occupy me.

The Store 3

Today I again picked up Ryker from The Store, I picked him up at closing so I didn't end up going in but he tells me this was a conversation he had.  'Jack' used to work at the store when I did and then apparently left and just recently went back to work there.  When I picked Ryker up the other day, I saw him and made a comment to Ryker that 'why didn't you tell me Jack was still working here?' and he said he wasn't and had just started.  Well today they had something akin to this conversation:

J:  Today was an easy day... I used to work here and just came back.
R:  Yeah, my cousin told me that the other day.  You used to work with her, October.  October Evens.
J:  Oh I remember her, she was cool, I mean she sort of lost it at the end but up until that point she was fine.  Tell her I said 'hi.'

'Sort of lost it at the end.'  Just about sums it up, I've described it that way myself.  I thought it was pretty funny.  It's nice to know that (at least some people) think that I'm mostly fine and not just 'that crazy person.'  I wouldn't blame them if they did or anything, I know my behavior (towards the end) was far from average and at the time even I thought I was losing my mind.

The Store 2

I know I haven't updated in forever.  I do have sort of a mega post I'm working on about everything that's happened lately, I'v just been too lazy to type it all up and get it posted.  But anyway this happened today and I thought it was hilarious and figured I'd share it before I forget what happened.

I had to go to The Store today to pick up Ryker after his shift.  He was buying some stuff and we and a few employees were standing around.  I said to Ryker: "I should fill out an application.  You think they'd re-hire me?  They'd probably laugh me out the door."
One of the workers asked why and my reply was: "I used to work here for five years until I had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide.  Then I ended up stalking one of the managers.  Ryker tells me they've added no stalking to the employee handbook.  You should talk to Minerva, I'm sure she'd have some stories for you."  That woman gave me the most WTF expression I've ever seen in my life, it was absolutely hilarious.

My New Special Interest

I believe my obsession with David has finally passed.  (God that feels really fucking weird to say.) He sort of hovers around the edge of my subconscious but I don't really actively think of him.  Instead my mind has been focusing on  Impractical Jokers, keying in on Q in particular. So this is your heads up that I'll most likely be info-dumping about the show and Q.

I've watched the show since it first started but gotten really into it over the last couple months.  It's one of the things I can watch over and over.  I'm saving up to get the seasons on DVD, I have them on iTunes but I'd be nice to have them on disk so I could watch them on TV instead of just my computer.  Season Seven started last night and I had a whole Happy Flap moment.  I haven't had a Happy Flap regarding a TV show since LOST was on the air.

I'm happy to finally be over David.  Though I do wish my obsession would have transferred to something besides another person, at least Q is a little safer interest in that he lives in New York and I'll never meet him.  I imagine it'll go the same way as my obsession with Alan Rickman; though most likely not as severe.  I don't think anyone could ever top my love for Alan Rickman.

Info-dumping: The supplying of a very large amount of (most likely unwanted) information.
Happy Flap: The hand flapping motions autistic people make when happy or excited.

My Gender Identity

Last week I came out on Facebook as genderqueer by posting this adorable picture series I found.  It fits my situation amazing well.  I've always sort of switched between feeling female and male but I didn't realize there was a name for it until a while ago.  The only thing I'd really heard of was trans and I spent a while debating with myself over if I was trans.  And then I found out about genderfluid-ity and it made sense.  

I've known I'm genderfluid for about 3 months now and though I only totally came out last week I started dropping hints and making appearance changes since I realized.  I got my hair cut into a more masculine/androgynous style and got some guy clothes.  I came out to my immediate family 3 weeks ago and everyone else on Facebook last week.  Other than a raging argument with my dad about whether you need a penis to be a man it's gone over pretty well.   

Things are going better for me.  My mom always bitches at me about not knowing what I want or not taking the steps to get there.  But it's hard to know what you want if you don't even know who the fuck you are.  I've been doing better since I got my autism diagnosis and since acknowledging my gender identity I'm doing better still.  I definitely feel happier more comfortable with myself.  Let's hope I continue to improve.

The Store

My cousin Ryker got a job at The Store.  He got hired on about three weeks ago.  He says he really likes it.  I hope it goes well for him.  The Store really is an okay place to work as long as you're not mentally ill.

The other day I went to The Store for the first time since they threw me out two years ago.  It was surreal.  And I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack the entire time I was in there.  I didn't see anyone I knew.  Apparently the only person I know who's still there is Minerva.  Everyone else is gone.

Obsession with David

It feels weird to admit but I think my obsession with David is finally starting to fade.  I still think about him a lot but not every day like I was and when I do think about him it feels more detached.  I still want to know about him and stuff but it's not an all-encompassing drive like it was before.  Last year I had to arrange other activities for myself during his softball games so I wouldn't be tempted to go, yesterday he played softball and I didn't even think about it until this morning.  Before it seemed like I was acutely aware of when I knew where he was and now, it's not like that, I may know where he is but I feel no need to go there.  I know it will be a while before my fixation goes away completely, if it ever does, but for now I think I'm beginning to move on.  Let's hope my next obsession isn't nearly as destructive.  Here's to the future.

Family Reunion 2015

I had a lot of fun down at the family reunion on Saturday.  This year it was hosted by my cousin "Lynn" in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  She lives up in the mountains.  The roads are a nightmare up there.  I'm happy I didn't have to drive; I'd have been a nervous wreck.  Not a whole lot of people came, not really surprising as not everyone travels, but there were fewer than expected even for an 'away' reunion.  My grandmother rode down with us instead of my aunt as she usually does.  Never again.  I love her and everything but she's annoying as fuck.  The reunion was fun.  It was way, way up in the mountains at a park.  It's a nice place.  Private pavilion, bathroom, there's a stream to traipse around in.  We'd had it there before and everyone freaked out when a bear showed up.  There was no bear this time but we were told to be extra careful as they were apparently super active in the area.   I, as usual, didn't talk a whole lot.  Only to my aunt and her family and to my cousins Lynn and Bonnie.  I'm rarely comfortable around people, even when those people are my family.  

After the reunion Lynn, my mother and I went up to the Gatlinburg crafts community.  It's all kids of craft shops with handmade items.  I got some new candles for my collection.  After shopping we went back to Lynn's and met up with my grandmother, and Bonnie and her son and his girlfriend.  We hung out and played cards and went swimming.  Much more comfortable for me in that setting.  And when I had to be by myself I didn't have to worry about getting mauled by a bear like you did at the park.  Overall a fun weekend.

David's Softball Part 3/General Update

Greetings comrades.  I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.

School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing.  I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class.  Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda.  Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.  

David is once again playing on the senior softball team.  I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted).  And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there.  You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking.  I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.

As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold.  Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special.  Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him.  Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough.  A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee.  So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace.  I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.

That's about it.  The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee.  I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then. 

Suicide

And I shall end National Poetry Month with this depressing poem.  I wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of my breakdown stage.  And I'm quite happy to say that I'm glad to have survived and am doing much, much better.  Most days I don't even feel depressed.  Things are looking up.

Sometimes it feels like the only choice
Unless things get better
I fear I will have no other option
Choices are limited
I feel as if I would be better off
Dead
Except I can't bring myself to pull the trigger

My Father Part 2

I said I would post about my father's memorial service but I really couldn't think of anything to say.  It was your average catholic memorial service.  Very small service; only 15 people came.  The service was kept private so as to avoid any issues with his girlfriend showing up.  It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to get through; just very draining.  And then I had to go out to eat with everyone in attendance.  

Last Thursday my sister and I went to our cousin's house to look through a box of dad's pictures and see if there were any we wanted.  I got some pictures of my father and one of my grandmother.  There were quite a few pictures of my sister and I, which she seemed surprised at.  She and dad weren't close at all.  But he always had pictures of us displayed in his home.  He may not have been around much but he loved us.

I cleared of the top of one of my bookshelves for his urn and the pictures I got.  I wish I had a more recent picture of the two of us.  I stopped really seeing him when I was around ten and that's when the pictures of us stopped.  I wish I would have one taken when I was staying with him a couple years ago.  I did get a picture of my grandparents though and a picture of my father, sister and I from when I was a baby.  I guess it worked out okay.

The night we went over the pictures was the only time I really cried.  My father and I weren't close but thinking about him is upsetting.  Writing this was upsetting.  I try not to dwell on it.

Pity

I wrote this poem a couple of years ago, probably a couple of weeks before my breakdown.  I was having a tough time of things and my subsequent termination sort of brought everything to a head.  I'm proud to say that I'm much better now.

I feel so alone
I wish I had someone
To talk to
But I'm terrified
That if I open up
To someone
They won't understand
Or worse
They'll pity me

Evil of Old

The month of April is upon us once again and as you may or may not know that means it's national poetry month.  I will of course be participating in this wonderful event by posting some of my poetry.  This poem titled Evil of Old was written my junior or senior year of high school.  

A sickness is spreading
Throughout the land
Passed along
Hand by hand

It spreads like poison
Through the air
Infecting all
It encounters there

Heed my word
And you'll have nothing to fear
Even when
The poison draws near

It travels along
Through rain and snow
Refuses to die
But continues to grow

Guard yourself
From this wicked foe
For when it spreads
It brings nothing but woe

Empty your ears
Of the things that are said
For if you don't
There will be trouble ahead

Strengthen your heart
To the problems you face
Take a deep breath
Accept them with grace

Do not be swayed
By others beliefs
But believe in yourself
To find your relief

And what is the poison
That spreads through the land
Infecting minds
As it slowly expands

The answer's so simple
That no one could guess
The name of the poison
The cause of distress

The answer is anger
So simple, so true
The evil of old
And also of new

It Wasn't Domestic Violence

It feels like I haven't updated in forever.  Not really been much going on with me lately.  My parents arrived home yesterday.  My father's memorial service is the 7th, so I'll probably post about that next week.  At least my mom is home and she said she'd go with me.

The past few days have been spent panicking over how to explain the bruise on my face to my parents, should they ask about it.  Voloyda and I have started dating again (you can yell at me in the comments if you like, I realize it's not exactly the best idea.)  He's living with his brother, Dima, so I've been hanging out with them a lot.  Well Thursday, Voloyda accidentally punched me in the face and it left a nice bruise.  Apparently Dima had slapped him the day before and Vova's revenge was to hide and then pop out and punch him in the chest.  It worked great other than the fact that I stumbled across him before his brother did and got socked right in the cheek.

I had therapy that evening and between my bruised face and a large scrape on the back of my wrist (inflicted by the carpet when I pitched face-first onto the floor and tried to save my phone by curling my hand around it and to my chest instead of bracing myself) she asked if someone was beating me.  And then when I told her what happened she didn't believe me and kept asking if Voloyda had injured my wrist as well.  Basically the exact scenario I wanted to avoid with my parents.  In an effort to avoid a huge issue I decided to tell them that Voloyda had hit me while LARPing.  When my mother asked me about my face (I had already told her about my wrist) I didn't even have a chance to respond before she said "LARPing?  Don't expect me to pay your medical bills."  I didn't even have to lie.  Everything when better than expected.

23rd Birthday

Today my grandmother and her cousin and my aunt's family minus Ryker went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday tomorrow.  Ryker couldn't come because he had a job interview earlier (he'll be 16 in two weeks) and he had a bunch of homework to catch up on.  We went to Bob Evans which while not my first choice, or second, or third (my grandmother kept shooting down my ideas) it was good.  My grandmother gave me some cash (Yay! I can afford food this week!) and my aunt gave me an amazon gift card (which I went home and promptly spend on books from my wishlist.)  I'm not particularly fond of cake but I made one anyway and sent the majority of it home with my aunt.  I like making cakes just not eating them; I'm more of a biscuit or donut person. 

My parents are still in Florida and don't get back until the end of the month so mom said we could go out to dinner then.  I can't wait until they get back.  I'm not very good at managing things myself.  I've been saying I need a new summer quilt for my bed for a while so mom let me pick one out online.  I already have a quilt and I really like it but it's my parents old one and it's probably around 12 years old and the backing is falling off and the cotton keeps falling out and it has a softball sized hole in it and I haven't washed it in ages because I'm afraid the washer will shred it.  It's pretty messed up.  Before they left I asked dad if he thought it could be fixed but he took one glance at it and said it needed to go directly into the trash.  Anyway mom let me pick out a new one online and it's set to arrive by the end of the week.  It's really pretty, black and white designed squares in a checkerboard pattern.  

No new information about when the memorial for my father will be.  It's been 13 days since he died.  I'm hoping it's soon.  I just want to get it over with.  

My Father

Today I picked out an urn for my father.  On Monday my biological father died.  We weren't particularly close, but it still hurts.  I've barely cried.  I feel bad that I don't feel worse about him dying.  Two weeks ago he called me and we talked for a bit.  That was the first time I spoke to him in three years.  He didn't say he was dying.  

We used to be closer when I was younger.  Him and my mom broke up when was 3.  When he lived close enough I used to stay with him every other weekend or so up until middle school.  Once a month or so when he lived in Detroit (until he got arrested for DUI while driving me home one time.) We'd watch the live action batman films from the early 90's (the ones with Michael Keaton.)  And he'd give me jelly toast with coffee in the mornings.  That's one of the few things I really remember.

I did live with him and his girlfriend for a couple months right after I graduated high school.  It didn't work out and I left shortly after and moved in with my grandmother.  When I lived with him I did find out I have another half-sister.  My mother knew but never felt the need to tell me.  Would have been nice to know.  (I found her online but never worked up the nerve to contact her.)  The last time I saw him was 3 years ago at his sister's funeral service.  The only thing he said to me was a comment about all my facial piercings.

Attack of Paranoia

Today I had a complete meltdown (probably the one of the worst I've ever had) because I thought someone was following me.  They (most likely) weren't.  I just freaked out for no reason.  On the way home from my grandmother's I stopped at the store to get some groceries.  I pull into the parking lot and a guy pulls in right next to me, for whatever reason this caused an immediate sense of dread even though I did not know this person and he had done absolutely nothing wrong.  So I go in and shop and when I come out he's standing between our cars, which I thought was rather odd but didn't think too much about it.  He get's back in his car, I load my groceries and get into mine and pull out.  He follows me out of the parking lot and down a couple side streets that lead toward my house.  I freak out and call my dad and ask if he thinks I should call the police.  The guy turns and goes another way.  I still freak out.  I randomly drive around for another 15 minutes before going home.

I arrive home, unload my groceries, lock all the doors and, still can't calm down.  I look out the window and think I see him drive by my house so I call the police.  They talked to me a bit and tried to calm me down (which didn't work) and said they would increase their patrol of the area.  I was still freaking out, by this point it was like a full blown anxiety attack.  I'm usually not the paranoid type but I kept thinking this guy would come back and break into my house.  I called Voloyda but couldn't bring myself to say what was going on because I knew he'd freak out and I didn't really want him at my house.  I called my BFF Theo and asked if he would come over and stay the night.  He said no because he had laundry and stuff and school tomorrow.  I begged him to come over and said he could do his laundry here and I would take him to school tomorrow.  He asked me what was going on and when I told him, he agreed to come over.  He said he was at school but his mom would be picking him up at 9 and he would call me when they got back home to come and get him.  

At this point it was around 8 o'clock so I had about an hour and a half  before he would call.  I tried to use my anxiety room but it didn't work (mostly due to the fact that a closet with no escape route isn't exactly the best place to be if someone breaks into your house).  I also didn't want to take my shoes off or set down my keys or bag in the event that I had to flee the house.  So I'm pacing around the living room, peering out the windows, when I decide I can't be in the house anymore and figure I should go for a drive instead.  I grab a knife (you know, just in case) and go out to my car and drive off.  I drove around a bit before I decided that it wasn't really helping and that I should stop somewhere.  I went and stopped in a parking lot.  I was still really pumped up at this point, it hadn't really gone down any and I was debating cancelling with Theo and just going to the hospital.  I didn't really want to go to the hospital but I would have felt safer there.  I ended up going back home and texting the crisis center, thinking maybe they could help me calm down a bit.  I texted with them for 30 minutes and it helped quite a bit but I still wanted to have Theo over.  Even though I wasn't freaking out anymore I knew I wouldn't sleep at all if I was alone in the house.

By now it was about 9:15ish and I decided to go out driving again, since Theo would be calling me soon anyway.  I was out for a bit, drove into the neighboring township (about 5 minutes away) and they he called and I went and picked him up.  We went back to my house, hung out a bit, made chili cheese fries, I did my homework, and he went to bed.  That about sums it up.

I'm not generally a paranoid person, I don't react to things that way, I have no idea what set me off.  I do have panic attacks but they're always about talking to people or getting stuff done on time or leaving the house.  I freak out about stuff like that, not some guy breaking into my house. 

*I will say that CrisisLink is a fantastic service.  I've used them on several occasions and they work wonderfully.  They'll talk with you about whatever you're struggling with, not just suicide.  And unlike most crisis prevention they have a texting service which is great if you're someone like me who has trouble with phone calls.  Texting number: 703-940-0888

Vehicular Issues

I haven't been having a particularly good week.

Last Friday my parents left for Florida without me.  They get to relax in eighty degree weather for two months while I'm stuck here where it's so cold my car door is frozen shut.  Every time they go on an extended vacation I have some kind of car malfunction and this time was no different.

I've been having some problems with my tire.  It had a slow leak and I've been having to put air in every week.  So on Tuesday I had to go out and the tire looked pretty low so I drove down to the petrol station 3 blocks away to fill it up.  Only when I got there, the tire completely detached from the rim.  I've never heard of that happening before.  So my car is broke, I have no money, and my parents are 1000 miles away.  I, of course freaked out.  My dad made some calls but couldn't find anyone to help me until later so I walked home.  About 20 minutes later I get a call back from my dad saying he got our postman to come and help.  Postman come and picks me up from the house and goes to the gas station where he and his brother put the donut on my car.  Then I had to drive across the street to the auto shop and buy a new tire.  Cost me 93$.  And I had to borrow 100$ from my grandmother so I can eat for the rest of the month.  Worked off 10$ already by shoveling her walkway.  Dad says when they get back from vacation they'll buy me a proper spare tire, so as to avoid these types of situations in the future.

So then Tuesday night I had therapy which because of my tire got canceled and then un-canceled twice that day.  We just had a big snowstorm the other day, there's about 18 inches of snow but by that point the roads weren't bad.  So I'm driving home from therapy and the guy behind me is right on top of me the entire way down my street.  So my driveway's coming up, and I put my blinker on about 4 houses earlier than normal to give the guy time to back off a bit.  I go to turn into my driveway.  He fucking hit me.  I pull into my driveway thinking he would follow me in, you know, like you're supposed to if you hit someone.  Nope.  He just drove off.  What the fuck man?  I will say that he it my very lightly and there doesn't appear to be any new damage to my car but still.  The legal consequences of a hit-and-run are far greater than the consequences of an accident.  It seems like the logical step would be to stop.  He's lucky I decided not to file a report.

My Closet

Greetings Followers!

Been meaning to post but couldn't really thing of anything worth saying until a few days ago when Hannah M. made this comment: "Hello, new to your blog. Recently discovered it while goggling autism blogs. I'm curious as to if you finished putting your closet together and how it turned out?"

My closet is definitely something I can post about.  I'm not sure I'll have a whole lot to say but I can definitely post some pictures.  For those of you that don't know, back in August I made a post about putting together a distraction box for my anxiety attacks and also said that I was hoping to turn my closet into a sort of anti-anxiety chamber in which to decompress.  I've been working on it for a while and I think it serves it's purpose quite well.  It would have been done long ago if I actually had money to do it but I'm totally broke and so have been cobbling it together over the last five months.  It's mostly done.  There's a bit more I'd like to do.  Basically I just want to turn the one wall into a chalkboard, and add a string of Christmas net-lights across the ceiling, I tried to buy some after Christmas but they didn't work.  I'll also list where bought and how much some of the items cost.

The entrance to my closet from the outside.  My awesome pride flag covered in buttons.  Though technically that's the bisexual pride flag and I'm pan so I should probably invest in another one. Flag cost: 20$ from prideshack.com  Button cost: about 45$? over the past 4 years bought at mostly Spencer's and Hot Topic.

Front wall of the closet.  I have a small TV, no cable but it is hooked up to an old VCR/DVD player.  Also about every Disney movie made before 2003 on VHS, you can sort of see them at the top.  Clock/CD player.  I like things that light up. I also keep my computer and tablet in here.  Light up Globes: received as gifts 20$ each from Hallmark.  Fiberoptic light: 5$ at FiveBelow.  Police light: 5$ officeplayground.com  Pin art received as gift years ago but I think you can get them for like 15$.

Close up left half of bottom shelf.  Cra-Z sand received as Christmas gift was 5$ at walmart.  Newtons cradle.  Chinese ringing balls: 5$ office playground.com. Vintage Tigger jack-in-the-box.  Slinky pop tube.  Small box of non hanging fidgets contains, metal puzzles, light-up spiky ball, light up rail whirl-er, spare packs of stretching string, various other items.

First half of right wall.  I plan to add a chalkboard or white board, haven't really decided yet to the bottom half, and put a couple of plastic file holders on the top half for non-hanging fidgets. 

Second half of right wall.  Most of my hanging fidgets.  Hoberman sphere, geo-twister, iSpy wonder tubes, tangles, magic wire loops, bendeez, stretchy string, flexi-blox (one of my favorites), koosh ball.  Also two chewy necklaces and orange flavored chewy stick.  Family photos.  Fidgets purchased at officeplayground.com Chewies purchased at therappyshoppe.com and gotautism.com.

Back wall and ceiling.  Stick light purchased for 12$ at Home Depot.  Very bright and can be moved around.  I plan to get a couple more.  Glow in the dark stars 5$ at Walmart.

Back wall and floor.  You can't see it but this part of the floor up until the front shelf's is covered by a futon mattress, which is quite comfy.  I also got new pillows for Christmas so I put my old ones in here, much easier than dragging them back and forth.  A few stuffed animals.  Toucan Sam was sent to me after I wrote a letter to the company saying I liked Froot Loops.  And hiding behind Simba you can see a stuffed bear.  That is Baby Gund and he's older than I am.  My grandmother bought him for me before I was born.

 

Wall of Alan Rickman.  He's awesome.  I printed the pictures out and then covered the front with packing tape to make them a little sturdier.

Giant stuffed unicorn.  I named him Caspian.  Silas bought him for me for 40$ at Kroger.  You can't really tell but he's sitting on a bin full of dyed rainbow rice.  You can sort of see the ugly rug I have going into my closet.  When I get the money I plan to swap it out with a fuzzy blue one I found at Ikea for 40$.

Some of my favorite fidgets that weren't displayed.  Home made iSpy tube.  I took the container my fiber optics light came in, filled it with rainbow rice and small objects and sealed the ends with duct tape.  Works well and it make a pleasant noise when shaken or turned.  Carpet square taken from home depot it has a nice texture.  Balancing birds.  Light-up spinning globe.  Tangle.  Kinderemusik egg.  Slinkys,  Atom Ball.  Magnet dolphin sclupture.  Silicone pot holder, is quite stretchy and has a nice texture to it as well, it can also be chewed on.  Stretchy dollar bill and stretchy mice and cheese.  Blue and white Klixx fidget, is one of my favorites, makes a very nice clicking noise when manipulated, it usually hangs on the fidget wall.  Blue Tri-Chew also usually hangs on the wall.  iPop mini monster, you squeeze him and his eyes pop out.  Light up green spiky ball. 

Ceiling of closet under black light.  Purchased at Spencer's for 30$.

In the dark with everything lit up.