Christmas 2014

Happy Holidays to everyone.  I hope you had a good time this holiday season.  I certainly did.  I got some good gifts.  Pretty much everything I asked for.  I got new bed-coverings and pillows, a futon mattress for my closet, several gift-cards, several books, winter boots, a couple puzzles, some movies, clothes, contacts, magic sand, money, and various other items.  Everyone liked the gifts I got them.  Which I would hope they would seeing as I spent a small fortune.  I really enjoy buying people presents.

As I have for the last three years, I watched my aunts house.  Which worked out great because my stepsister and her family came down and I find the children quite annoying.  Spent some quality time away from my family.  Bought Titus a lot of toys.  He was certainly spoiled this past week.

Still have to exchange gift with my sister, Andie.  We're doing that on Wednesday.  And I'm meeting up with Theo tomorrow to exchange gifts with him.

That's pretty much it.  I've registered for classes for next semester.  Three classes.  Biology, which counts as two, lecture and lab. And English.  I really wanted to take Ethics with my professor from last semester but that class was filled so I'm going to try to take it next semester.

Why I Don't Want To Know About David

I received a comment asking why if David is my special interest, do I always tell Voloyda not to tell me about him.  There are several reasons.

• Reason One: I already knew most of what he was telling me.  David is my special interest; I have quite thoroughly researched him.  Granted I didn't know everything he told me but I did know most of it.
• Reason Two: I am trying to get over David.  Having new information about him isn't conducive to that.  The more I know about him and the more access I have to new information about him, the longer the obsession is likely to last.
• Reason Three: Voloyda is crazy enough without me encouraging him.  Letting him give me information without protesting is basically like saying 'Please go and get me as much information as you can by any means necessary.'  He already ran a background check on him, went through his garbage, and followed him around the city.  The last thing any of us needs, David included, is Voloyda breaking into his house or something.

I hope that answered your question.

School Update 3/Christmas Shopping

I passed my class with an A-.  Yay me.  Much improved from last semester.  My mother says I have to go full time next semester so I'm going tomorrow to meet with my adviser to register for classes.  So nervous about that: I hate talking to people.

I got all of my Christmas shopping done.  Purchased my last gift yesterday.  I have most of my wrapping done as well.  Waiting for my last package to arrive in the post and then I'll have all of my wrapping done.  I love wrapping gifts.  I find it fun and relaxing.  I spent tons of money this year, more than I could really afford to but I got everyone some nice gifts.  A lot of it was bought on Black Friday so I got some good bargains.  But I still ended up spending over $600.  For me not having a job that's quite a bit of money.  But I like to give people presents so I guess it was worth it. 

Thanksgiving/School Update 2

I hope that all of my American followers had a nice holiday weekend.  And a nice weekend for everyone else as well.  We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday evening instead of Thursday because we went shopping.  I got nearly all of my Christmas shopping done.  I only have two gifts left to buy, three gifts if you count a present for my aunts dog.  Who I shall be watching over the Christmas holiday's as I have done for the last three years.  It's nice to get out of the house for a week.

I only have two days of classes left for school.  We have to do presentations about who our favorite 'superhero' is.  I'm doing mine on Temple Grandin.  Mostly because we have to choose a person we can relate to, but I never really relate to people.  Everyone seems so different from me, I think it's the autism.

Obsessions

A common behavior present in autistic people is an interest in a specific subject or topic.  The topic can be pretty much anything: a TV show, train schedules, World War I, sprinkler systems, people.  In autistic people these are often referred to as special interests or obsessions.  What sets an autistic person's special interest apart from a neurotypical's hobby is the intensity and duration.  (Neurotypical often shorted to 'NT' is a term used by the autistic community to describe people who are not autistic.)  A NT with the hobby of golf might enjoy going golfing, looking at golf related gear and reading golfing magazines; an autistic person with golf as their special interest will spend massive amounts of time, energy and often money learning everything they possibly can about the subject to the exclusion of all else.

For as long as I can remember I've always had an obsession with one thing or another.  Sometimes they were normal and age appropriate (Scooby Doo, Harry Potter, TV show LOST) and sometimes they weren't (hobos, prosthetic limbs, my 55-year-old boss.)  They usually last a few years before they disappear, usually when there is nothing more to be learned on the subject or a new interest develops.  Some of them last longer than others; such as hobos.  Which my parents found endlessly annoying because apparently a 10-year-old who talks about nothing but homeless people is embarrassing.  Other obsessions come and go; Harry Potter has been probably my greatest and longest lasting obsession.  It's come and gone several times and has been my most prominent obsession for probably a total of about nine or ten years.  Harry Potter and David are my current obsessions.  Some people have said that religion is also an obsession of mine but I wouldn't classify it as such.  I define an obsession as an all-encompassing desire to study and learn all there is to know about a subject to the exclusion of all else.  An obsession takes up a massive amount of your time, energy and thoughts.  I enjoy learning about religions but I do not feel compelled to do so.  Here are my main obsessions in the order that I had them: Scooby Doo, hobos, Harry Potter, prosthetic limbs, Harry Potter, LOST, Harry Potter, David.  Still trying to get over David.  It's not that I mind having David as my special interest but I wish it was something else.  He fascinates me and I enjoy knowing about him but at the same time I know that it's weird and I wish it was something else.  It's been about two years now so I'm hoping it will stop sometime soon.  I've tried to phase it out by trying to find a new obsession but so far nothing has worked. It appears that I'll just have to wait it out and continue looking for something new to pique my interest.

Halloween/Autism Results

I love Halloween.  Didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do because I was babysitting my cousins and had to take them trick-or-treating.  It was very cold and raining.  Would have much preferred passing out candy at my grandmothers as I usually do.

Yesterday was also David's birthday, he's 56.  Which is still not that old.

I had my last autism appointment yesterday and received my results.  They told me that I have high-functioning autism.  I was not surprised.  I was a little upset.  Not upset that I have autism; I'm perfectly fine with that.  I was upset that the plethora of doctors and mental health professionals I've been seeing since I was three somehow managed to miss it for the last twenty years.  How much better would I be today if I had been diagnosed when I was younger and received the proper services?  My guess would be 'substantially.'  I was told last night by my aunt's partner who is a nurse and who works at a psychiatric hospital that she told my mother over ten years ago that she thought I should be tested for autism but my mother said I was fine.  I don't know whether I should be happy she didn't think there was anything wrong or upset that I missed out on ten years of having a diagnosis.  I haven't seen her since my appointment but we shall defiantly be having an in depth discussion about it.  It is nice to finally know what's wrong with me.  At least now I know there's a reason for my bizarre behaviors.

Nicholas Goober

Today's post has nothing to do with me and is instead a memorial post for my fur-baby Nicky.  Today was his birthday.  If we hadn't had to put him to sleep he would be thirteen.

Hanging out on the back deck, showing off his tumor.  Which was non-cancerous but we did end up getting removed.

Chilling on the chair he's not supposed to be sitting on.  Bad boy.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him and I have it as my desktop background.  Just taking a nap.

Resting on the lawn after a tiring game of Frisbee and fetch.

Playing in the snow, which he loved.

Mauling Elmo.  Though he was different than most dogs in that he didn't tear up stuffed animals, he just sucked on them and filled them up with saliva and left damp patches on the carpet which weren't very fun to step in.

Giving me an evil look in protest of having gotten a haircut.  He does not look happy about it.

Opening a Christmas gift.  It was a stuffed monkey.

Social Cues Part Two

On my last post about social cues a couple of people expressed interest in another post on the subject.  Here are some more social norms I’ve noticed.

• When talking to someone try to make sure your comments go with the conversation.  For example if someone says ‘I bought a new car.’ Your response should not be ‘I read a book about 18^th century France.’ I have a hard time with this one.  If I don’t know what to say I’ll either say nothing which makes for long awkward pauses or I’ll say the first thing that comes into my head, which if it doesn’t relate to the conversation also creates awkward pauses.  Try to make sure your statements are relevant.
• When one is in a public place whether it be at a store, restaurant, or school it is important to leave your shoes on your feet. 
• When in an elevator make sure you’re facing the door.  It’s considered odd to face the back of the elevator.  This is true for most elevators unless the elevator has a glass back that you can see out of.  It’s still rather odd but not as odd as to just be staring at the back wall. 
• Try not to talk to yourself in public.  People will think you are crazy.  I usually try to contain it, but if I can’t I’ll put headphones in (the apple ones that have the mouth piece) so people think I’m talking on the phone.
• Don’t bring unusual or unnecessary objects with you out in public.  This is more acceptable for children but as you get older you’re expected to stop bringing useless items with you.  Because I move around so much and am easily distracted, I usually have a few things in my backpack to help keep me focused.  I bring a few fidget toys with me to class every day because I listen much better when I have something to do with my hands.
• Don’t sit down on the floor in public places, especially if there is a chair.  I’ve found that there are several exceptions to this though.  It is acceptable to sit on the floor at school if you are waiting in the hallway for your class.  And you can sit on the ground outside but only if you’re either sitting on the curb or steps or at a park or like a grassy area.
• Don’t criticize people who haven’t asked you to do so unless it’s absolutely necessary (e.g. they are about to fail an important project or embarrass themselves in some way).  I tend to be very blunt and overly honest with people.  For example: if someone comes up and asks you how they look in their new outfit and you think they look terrible, it’s probably not a good idea to voice that particular opinion.  Instead you should say something like: ‘that really isn’t your color’ or ‘you’d look better with a different style of shirt.’
• Don’t refuse to shake someone’s hand.  I have trouble with this one.  Because I don’t like to touch people, especially people I don’t know very well (as is often the case with hand shaking, you will rarely be expected to shake hands with people you’ve met more than a couple times).  I used to, and still do, occasionally, refuse to shake people’s hands. 
• Don’t pepper your conversations with phrases from another language or with obscure words or phrasing that most people won’t understand.  For example: if you are talking to your friend, unless your friend happens to be a Russian doctor, it would be out of place to start speaking in Russian and using advanced medical terminology. 
• When eating in public or with other people it is important to use the proper utensils and not your hands.  

The Yes Philosophy of Life

I've decided to post my essay for my philosophy class on the Yes Philosophy of Life. I really enjoyed writing the paper.  I think it gives a lot of insight for my reasons for living.  I did much better than I expected, and received 100%.  Here we go.

The Yes Philosophy of Life

Life is worth living only if you have something to live for. 
       I am an atheist and believe in no afterlife or re-incarnation. As such I try to live for the now, for this life, because it’s the only one I have. I believe that the goal of my life should be to be as happy and well-adjusted as I can and to leave a positive impact on the people I have encountered once I’m gone. In the movie “Yes Man”[1] the protagonist Carl Allen suffers a nightmare of his friends finding his dead body and remarking that he never did anything with his life. This nightmare motivates him to get out there and to try new things; he does so and makes both himself and his friends much happier because of it. This is the reason to live: to be happy and to impart happiness to others.
       As someone who has attempted suicide and who still sometimes has suicidal thoughts the reasons I have for living vary from day to day except the most prominent of them, which never changes: The main reason I am still alive is because my family would be upset if I died. “William James”[2] states that living for others is not a good enough reason for living. I disagree; if you are still able to derive pleasure from life and other people help to impart some happiness to you and you impart happiness to them in return, why would you want to intentionally hurt them by dying? If other people are your reason for living and bringing joy to them gives you happiness I see no reason why you shouldn’t live for that.
       When I was attempting suicide, I was standing in the road trying to get run over and my boss came over and yelled at me. He said “You're going to kill yourself that way... You would ruin someone's life like that? That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.”[3] It made me realize that not only would I destroy the life of the person that ran me over but I would destroy my own life and the lives of my family and the others that cared about me. It is my right to live my life how I want to, and that includes dying if I wish it, but it is not my right to inflict unnecessary hardship on others.
       I live because I want to do something good with my life. I live because my family and friends will miss me if I’m gone and because it is not my right to inflict needless pain on others. I live because most of the time I enjoy being alive.
[1] Yes Man. Performed by Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel. United States: Warner Home Video, 2009. DVD.
[2] William James, The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy (New York: Longmans, Green and Comapny, 1931). 32-62
[3] Evens, October. "Stalking My Ex-Boss." Stalking My Ex-Boss. March 11, 2013. Accessed October 12, 2014. http://stalkingmyexboss.blogspot.com/.
  
I think it sums up my thoughts on living quite nicely.

Break Up with Silas/Autism Evaluation

Sorry I haven't updated in so long.  I'll make it up to you, I have several posts planned for this weekend.  Quite a bit going on with me.  Silas and I broke up.  My Grandmother broke her face.  I'm being evaluated for autism.  I've been dating a bit.  My class is going well.

Silas and I broke up.  He said that he could no longer handle the annoyances, insanity and talk about other men.  And Voloyda.  I understand that I'm annoying.  I understand that I'm not totally sane.  I understand Voloyda.  Not really sure I understand the talking about other men, Silas did agree to an open relationship and I never actually went out with anyone else.  We're still friendly though, let's hope he doesn't turn crazy like Voloyda did.  And while we're talking about Voloyda, Silas and I broke up and I told Dima who then told Voloyda who then sent Silas some semi threatening messages including:

• I just got an interesting text from my brother.  I told you not to hurt her.  What the fuck man?  I am NOT pleased.
• Fucking Tosser.
• Hanging out with your girl you stupid, stupid man.
• If she has another breakdown and winds up in the hospital because of you, you had best believe she won't be the only one in there.
• Bout to sleep with your girl brother.

For the record: I didn't have a breakdown.  And I most definitely did not sleep with Voloyda.

My grandmother fell at her house and totally bashed her face up.  It was horrible: black eyes, non-stop nosebleeds, bruises all over.  She didn't want to be home alone so I ended up staying over at her house with her for a couple days.  And after I left she got another really bad nosebleed and had to go back to hospital.  And then she ended up staying at my aunts' for two weeks.  She's back home now though.

I am being evaluated for whether I have an autism spectrum disorder.  I had my evaluation appointments and now just waiting for the results.  It was basically just two, two hour appointments where they asked me a bunch of questions about my habits.  And there were several packets to fill out.  My mother filled out an Asperger's checklist for me; out of seventy-five questions only four weren't checked and those were things like 'responds to name' and 'can count to ten.'  We shall see how it goes.  I find out the 31st.

Since Silas broke up with me, I've been dating a bit.  I went on a date with this one guy but it didn't really work out.  I'm talking to this other guy.  We've been on a couple of dates and have another scheduled for this Friday.

School is going really well.  I've done really well on my last few papers.  Especially the last one I wrote.  The topic was: Is life worth living and why I am alive.  I got a 100% and the comment that I am a 'brilliant genius.'  I really enjoyed writing the paper and I think it gives a lot of insight about my reasons for living.  I may post it on here.

Conversation with Voloyda 27

Voloyda and I were talking last week after LARP and somehow got onto the topic of David’s wife and he said something about what she must have thought about me hitting on David.  This was the following conversation.

O: I would imagine it was something along the lines of: ‘My husband is being hit on by his much younger coworker.  This is not an issue because I trust him.’

V: Ha!  Yeah, no.  It probably went more like: ‘My fifty-five year old husband who’s left me twice before, who I nag the piss out of every day and, who I haven’t had sex with in three months is being hit on by some floozy 1/3 his age.  I bet he’s already sleeping with her.  If I don’t do something now it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me again.’

O: May I ask why you’re portraying his wife as some sort of paranoid, sexually frustrated, harpy?  I’ve never actually met her but I would assume she’s quite pleasant.

V: That’s what women act like.

O: That is mildly sexist and I don’t know what kind of women you’ve been associating with but most of us don’t act like that.

V: You don’t act like that.  But most women freak out about everything.  You’re much more laid back about the relationship stuff than the average woman.

O: I don’t think so.

V: Believe me, you are.

I asked Silas if he thought I was lax about relationship stuff and he agreed with Voloyda that I was.  An amazement in itself because usually he goes out of his way to avoid anything Voloyda says or does.

As for David’s wife, she can’t be that bad; after all he did remarry her.

Six Month Pledge Revisited

Six months ago (I can't believe it's been six months since the restraining order expired) I pledged to another six months of blogging after which I would decide if I wanted to continue the blog or not.  Well, it's been six months and I've thought about it and decided to continue the blog.  I really enjoy writing it and you guys seem to enjoy reading it. 

One thing that really irritates me is when you're following a blog or a story or whatever and the person just stops with no mention of why or if they're planning on coming back.  That irritates me greatly and I always said I wouldn't do that.  For the time being I will continue to blog and if I reach a point where I no longer wish to continue I promise that I won't just stop without some sort of acknowledgement.  Here's to continuing the blog indefinitely.

School Update/Cedar Point

I haven't updated in a while so here's everything that's been going on.

Silas and I went and got an oil change and tire rotation for my car.  Everything went fine, we paid and left, we pulled out of the parking lot and you could feel the car going THUNK, THUNK, THUNK.  We stopped.  We looked at the car.  The tire wasn't put back on correctly.  On the right front tire, two of the lug nuts were so loose you could unscrew them with your hand.  What the hell?  How do you forget to screw all the lug nuts back on?  They were visibly loose.  How do you not notice that?  So we drove back to the shop and they tightened all the lug nuts.  The manager assured us that 'this rarely happens' and gave us a couple of coupons for a free oil change.

School is going semi-well.  I really enjoy my psychology class but I absolutely loathe my sign language class.  I'm horrible at it.  I can understand the signs themselves but I can't understand the facial expressions and body language that accompany them.  I think I'm going to drop the class and take a different language course in the future.  I'd much prefer to learn Russian but they don't offer it at the school I'm attending.  I may wait until I transfer schools and see if they offer it.

Last week at school, I was just standing there playing on my phone and some guy came up and asked me if I was 'all there.'  I don't even think I was doing anything weird at the time either.  I couldn't really think of a response so I just sort of stared at him for a few seconds and then walked off, which I'm sure confirmed his suspicions that I'm not 'all there.'  How exactly are you supposed to respond to something like that?  "Are you all there?"  "I don't know, are you incredibly rude?"

Silas and I went to Cedar Point last Saturday, which while fun probably wasn't the best idea because I had a cold.  Between the crowds and noise and lines and everything I usually always have some sort of meltdown in places like that and this time was no different.  Silas left me alone so he could go on a ride I didn't want to go on and when he came back I was gone and he had to go and look for me.  He left me in a particularly crowded area and it became a bit overwhelming so I went somewhere else.  He didn't really leave me alone for the rest of the day for fear that I would wander off and he wouldn't be able to find me.  Though we each had phones so even if I had wandered off he could have just called or texted.  If he had called me, I may not have been able to hear it though because I wore earplugs the entire time.  It's far too loud without them, but I don't think it was good to wear them for the 11 hours we were there because my ears still hurt.  I did have a lot of fun though, so I guess it was worth it.

That's pretty much all that happened.  I do have a couple of conversations with Voloyda to add but I shall post those at a later date.

Social Cues

On my post Conversation with Voloyda 26, I was asked what I meant when I said I didn’t understand normal social interactions.  Now obviously I can’t write about the social cues I’m missing because I don’t realize I’m missing them.  I can however write about the social cues I used to miss or misinterpret.  Here are some of the unspoken rules of society that I have a hard time understanding.  And just because I’ve recognized these rules doesn’t mean I’m the best at following them.  I often mess up. 

• I have a hard time both reading and showing body language and facial expressions.  The facial expressions are probably because I don’t tend to look at people’s faces when I’m speaking to them.  And when I do look at people’s faces, I often think they’re giving me ‘looks’ when they’re really not.  Eye contact is very uncomfortable for me so I usually avoid it.  I tend to rely more on vocal tone for gauging emotions, which usually works but not always.
• Even if you don’t care you’re expected to ask people how they are.  And if someone asks the question to you, you’re supposed to say you’re fine, even if you’re not.
• If you are at someone’s house and they say ‘I have to work in the morning,’ or ‘It’s getting late.’  That means they want you to leave.  I don’t understand why people don’t just say “It’s time for you to go.”  If someone is at my house and I want them to leave I just tell them.
• Unless it’s an insult or some other type of inappropriate comment, you should always acknowledge when someone has said something to you.
• Try to make sure that your facial expressions match the meaning of what you are saying.  For example if you’re talking to someone and say ‘I’m sorry your cat died,’ you wouldn’t say it while smiling.  Your facial expression should match what you’re saying and if you can’t do that, you should at least try to keep your expression neutral.  I have a lot of trouble with this one.  If I’m nervous or unsure of what to say I often make a sort of half smile/half grimace type expression which I’m sure looks odd and rarely fits into the context of the conversation.
• No matter how goofy or attractive you think someone looks you should try to avoid staring at them.  Especially their breast or genital region.  I can only imagine the number of times David caught me staring at him with a glassy-eyed look.
• If you are having a conversation with someone and want it to end, ignoring the person or just walking away is considered rude.  You should instead say something like ‘I really have to be going now’ or ‘I just remembered I was supposed to call my______.’
• When looking for a potential romantic partner, someone who is your boss, married, and thirty-three years your senior probably isn’t the best option.  Most people would realize this instinctively, but I had to learn the hard way.
• Try to refrain from making unexpected sounds or movements.  This is another one I have difficulty with.  Not so much the sounds but the movements, though I do often catch myself making a strange monotone humming/buzzing noise.  I often have weird body spasms/twitches that I rarely notice I’m doing and when I do notice them I have a hard time controlling it.  I also do things like hand flapping, springing up from seats, jumping up and down, skipping, randomly sitting down, spinning in circles, etc.  These types of movements might be acceptable for children but they are out of the ordinary for adults.
• Your speech should ‘match’ with the person you’re talking to.  For example the phrase: ‘Hello.  How are you?’ would be an acceptable way to greet your boss but is probably overly formal for greeting your best friend.  I’ve had various complaints about my speech including things like: my voice is monotone; I speak overly fast; it sounds as if I am quoting something; I speak in an overly formal manner; I don’t ‘have a conversation’ I ‘make statements;’ my vocabulary is strange (apparently normal people don’t say things like: parched, trod upon, and you as well, expeditiously, salutations, fortnight, carbonated beverages).
• No matter how much you want to, you shouldn’t grab someone else’s possessions without asking.
• When someone says they have to leave for a doctor's appointment, it is rude to ask them why they are going to the doctor.

It’s due to my lack of understanding and general awkwardness that causes me so much trouble in communicating with people.  And when I do bring myself to talk to someone it doesn’t take very long for them to realize I’m different.  With the lack of eye-contact, weird body movements, odd manner of speech, etcetera, it’s usually within the first five minutes of the conversation that the other person realizes there’s something ‘off’ about me and the tone of the conversation changes.  Their vocal tone changes, they start speaking more slowly, they use simpler words, and they ask questions like ‘did you get that?’ and ‘you understand what I’m saying, right?’  Basically they start speaking to you like you’re a child.  And you just want to shake them and scream “I’m not stupid!”  

The condescending behavior is especially noticeable when you’re in a group of people.  For me the best example of this was probably back when I was working.  The managers treated me differently.  I wouldn’t say they treated me like I was stupid, because they didn’t, but they didn’t treat me the same as everyone else.  Their behavior tended to improve the more they got to know me but they never completely treated me like they did the others.  Except for David.  David acknowledged that I was different and he said he found me puzzling, but he was never patronizing.  It was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. 

Start of School

I decided to go back to school.  I’m taking 2 classes as opposed to the four I originally signed up for.  Last week was the first week of school and everything went okay.  I’m taking sign language and philosophy.  Philosophy seems like it will be okay but I’m slightly worried about sign language.  The professor says you have to be able to both read and show facial expressions and body language and I’m not good at that at all.  We’ll see how it goes; if I really have a hard time with it, I can drop it and take a different language course next semester.  I did get a little nervous in class on Wednesday and started chewing on a pen which I ended up biting through.  It wasn’t very pleasant so I ordered some chewy necklaces online for me to gnaw on as opposed to pens, pencils, or my fingers.

My anxiety has been a bit out of control lately so I decided to put together an anti-anxiety/distraction box to keep in my car to help me if I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack.  It should be especially helpful with school.  Last semester I freaked out rather often and spent quite a bit of time wandering around campus trying to calm down instead of being in class.  Obviously the more time I actually manage to stay in class the better.  I managed to do okay last semester but I know I would have done better if I had managed to sit through all of my classes.  I put together the anti-anxiety box so maybe instead of disappearing from classes for an hour or just not going back at all that day maybe I'll only be gone for 30 minutes.

Currently my anti-anxiety box contains: a slinky, my favorite book, some puzzle books, brain teasers of various types, a blanket, a sheet, a stuffed animal, coloring books and crayons, a notebook and pens, granola bars, family photos, my emergency anti-anxiety medication, hard candies, my Gameboy advance and games, playdoh, gum, bubbles, bottled water, stress ball, a small bottle of my dogs ashes, a light up superball, a squishy rubber dinosaur, string to make bracelets, a bandana my dog used to wear, and a set of Chinese ringing balls. I also always have my phone which is filled with relaxing music.

I usually don’t have panic attacks at home but if I do or if I’ve had a trying day, I’m currently in the process of turning my closet into an anti-anxiety room.  I’m agoraphobic and part of that is disliking open spaces (along with crowds, people, the outside and various other things) so the thought of hanging out in a small closet actually seems appealing.  I much prefer smaller spaces; they feel safer.  I’m strange, I know. 

Conversation with Voloyda 26

This was the conversation Voloyda and I had in response to my previous post.

V: Why'd you have to say it like that?  You make me sound like some kind of crazy person.
O: You are a crazy person!  No normal person would look at your behavior and think it was a good idea.  Hell, I'm far from normal and even I can tell it's fucked up.
V: You're just as crazy as I am.
O: I'm inclined to disagree.  I wouldn't do half the things to do and somehow manage to get away with.
V: The secret to getting away with things is to follow all of the small rules so when a larger rule is broken they don't suspect you.  And if they do suspect you, having the right friends and enough money can get you out of almost anything.
O: I would hesitate to call some of the people you associate with 'friends.'
V: Friend or not, there is no doubt that knowing the right people is a definite benefit.
O: Until you piss of the wrong person and wind up dead in the gutter.  No thanks, I'll just follow the rules and then I won't have need of 'friends' like that.
V: I'm not going to wind up dead in the gutter.
O: Let's turn it around, shall we?  Ivan was your 'friend' and someone you had done 'business' with in the past and then you stabbed him.  Who's to say that wouldn't happen to you?
V: Allegedly stabbed.  What happened with Ivan was a misunderstanding.  I thought he turned me into the police; you can't do that to your brothers.  And he didn't wind up dead in the gutter.  No one winds up dead in the gutter.  And me and Ivan are totally fine now.
O: Everything you just said proves how crazy you are.  First off, if you didn't break the law, you wouldn't have to worry about people turning you into the police.  Second, normal people don't solve their problems by stabbing someone.  And thirdly, I don't care how many times someone says they're fine with it, no one is fine with the person who stabbed them.
V: Allegedly stabbed.  And that was quite a while ago.  I don't really hang out with those people like I used to and I'm not like that anymore.
O: I didn't say you were.  I was just pointing out that your behavior, both past and current, is out of the ordinary.
V: So what if my behavior is strange?  Name someone who doesn't have any strange behaviors.  You can't because people like that don't exist.
O: I never said people's behavior wasn't odd, just that your behavior was stranger than average.
V: As is yours.
O: I make no objection to that; I am well aware that my behavior is out of the ordinary.

I would think following the smaller rules in an effort to avoid unwanted attention on larger broken rules would only work if people weren't already on to you.  Voloyda has not only broken large rules but quite a few smaller ones as well, which is why people already regard him with suspicion.  As for his so called 'friends' let's just say that some of them are not the most of savory of people and I certainly wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of them.  I'm not saying they're all bad but when you hang around with thugs and criminals, the chances of you winding up dead are far greater than if you were hanging out with a group of school teachers or accountants.  On the topic of other people's behavior, I am constantly baffled.  I don't know if it's because of my social phobias or what but I have quite a bit of difficulty understanding people's behavior.  I've been trying for years and I still can't seem to get a grasp on the normal social interactions that seem to come so easily to everyone else.

Voloyda's Craziness Part 21: David's Softball Part 2

There's not really a whole lot going on with me.  I'm mostly just relaxing before school starts back up again.  I am registered for classes and everything but I really don't want to go back.  My mother is sort of forcing me back into school but I don't really want to go.  That's not to say I don't want to go back ever, because I do want to go back at some point, just not right now.  I'm just so stressed out and I'm trying to find the right combination of medication, I just feel that now isn't a good time for me to go back.  I would really like to get myself a little more together first.  I'm barely hanging on as it is and adding school on top of everything else just seems like a bad idea.  I actually wouldn't mind taking one class of Sign Language but a full schedule just seems a little overwhelming.

On a more positive note, Silas and I reached our one year anniversary.  He took me out to dinner and to see The Guardians of the Galaxy.  The movie was totally awesome.  It was definitely worth seeing.  He also ran over my foot with his car two times in as many weeks.  I can now say from personal experience that it hurts a lot more without shoes on and I have bruises all over the top of my foot and strange red lines that match the tread of the tire.

I've been reading quite a bit lately and read seven-and-a-half books equaling about 3000 pages over the last week and a half.  The movie The Giver is being released next week so I reread the book in preparation and am currently rereading the third book in the series.  I didn't know Lois Lowry wrote a final book to the series and when I went to the bookshop they didn't have it so I had to order it online.  So I should be receiving "Son" along with the four other books I ordered by the end of the week.

Voloyda continues to be as annoying as always.  He was angry I ruined his plan to get me to run into David when I refused to go to his brothers' lacrosse game.  I understand his anger; if I had been planning something for over a year and spent nearly $200 on it I would be angry if it failed.  He's probably used to it by now though.  None of his plans to get me to run into David have worked.  He has far more patience than I, I'll give him that, I would have given up long ago.  I only hope that since he has apparently been in the same place as David every Thursday for the past two-and-a-half months that he hasn't done anything stupid.  As it is, I haven't been visited by the police with another restraining order or called in to testify against him for his own restraining order so he obviously hasn't done anything too bad.  Let's hope that continues.

He found out last year that David played on the softball team and for whatever reason didn't tell me then, but held onto the information for over a year apparently hoping David would decide to play again this year.  He either found out David had signed up for this year as well or just hoped he would and signed up his brothers for a game that played the same time as the senior softball games.  It's a good thing his little brothers like lacrosse; with the way Voloyda operates I wouldn't be surprised if he had just forced them into whatever was convenient for him.  He also sent me every picture of David he could find on the senior softball website and several that weren't on the website.  As for the photos that weren't on the website, I really hope he found them somewhere else online as opposed to having taken them himself, though knowing how crazy he is it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was the one that took them.  I can imagine him now: hiding in the bushes snapping photos.  

One of the photos I was unable to locate on the senior softball site.

Vloyda's Craziness Part 20: David's Softball

There hasn't really been a whole lot going on with me.  I saw my new therapist, started a new medication, my mother was in the hospital again, Voloyda tried to trick me into running into David.  Actually now that I typed it all out I guess quite a bit has been going on.

I saw my new psychiatrist for the first time and she started me on a new medication.  It's called clomipramine and it's supposed to help me with my depression and anxiety.  I've been on it for a week and haven't noticed any improvement but it can take a few weeks to get into my system.  I'm hoping that as I get acclimated to the pills the side effects will lessen.  The side effects are pretty mellow but it has been messing with my sleeping and it's totally sapped my appetite.  Since I started on these pills I've lost 8 pounds. 

My mother was in the hospital again last week for three days.  The doctors still don't really know what's wrong with her. 

Voloyda hasn't really been bothering me about David and I thought he had finally given up pestering me until his brother Dima told me Voloyda was up to something and to be on guard with him.  And of course Voloyda proceeded to invite me somewhere.  Voloyda invited me to a park to watch his little brothers play lacrosse.  Seems innocent enough, right?  Wrong!  I googled the name of the park, I'll call it "Park Park" for simplicity, and while looking around the site I discovered a link to a different site.  Again for simplicity I'll call this new site "Senior Softball."  Do you see the problem?  Voloyda's invitation was not an innocent attempt to get me interested in what I'm sure is the exciting world of elementary age lacrosse but a conniving plan to get me to run into David!  The fiend!  Well it's almost over with anyway, David plays softball for another two weeks and then that's it.  I have no intention of going to either of those games and I don't know where David has moved to or where he works.  After he finishes softball I'll have no idea where he is.  Isn't that great?  I'll never know where he is again... unless he plays softball again next year.  Either way, I won't have to worry about it for a year.

Family Reunion 2014/Dog-Sitting Titus

Sorry for the delay, I was going to update the other day but I've been at my aunt's and had some trouble connecting to the internet.

Last Thursday my favorite "Aunt Bonnie" flew in from Texas for our family reunion (for more about Bonnie read my posts from June 20th-25th of last year).  She got in semi-early and I was still sleeping so she took it upon herself to go downstairs and wake me up...by flopping down on top of me and refusing to get off.  She did end up helping me make the cookies for the reunion though so I guess that made up for being woken up early.  We made about 20 dozen peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies.  I'm a fairly good baker so I always get volunteered (often without being asked about it first) to make baked goods for things 

Saturday was the reunion.  The day did not start well because my grandmother called and told us she cut the end of her toe off and needed a ride to hospital.  Lucky me; I was the one that got to go get her, take her to hospital, and sit with her for three hours until the doctor patched her toe up.  She told me not to tell people how she cut her toe but it's too stupid not to tell.  She was cutting her toenails with a pair of scissors and cut off the tip of her big toe.  I couldn't stop laughing; it's just so stupid.

When I finally got to the reunion though it was a lot of fun.  There was a lot of food, games, and people.  Quite a few people were playing "A Minute to Win It" which was hilarious.  Silas came and met my family.  I got to spend some quality time with my "favorite Aunt-Cousin Bonnie," (Her words, not mine).  It was a fun day.

Bonnie left on Monday morning so Sunday night we went to the drive-in cinema and saw "Tammy."  It was hilarious; I'm going to have to make Silas go and see it with me.

I started watching my aunt's house.  It's nice to get away from my family for a while.  I love them and all but they drive me crazy and sometimes I need a break.  The weather has been awesome and I've gone swimming every day since I got here.  Titus has been really good and only scratched me with his razor sharp nails a little bit and that was only because Silas dragged him into the pool.  Titus is a lab mix and has the webbed toes of a water dog and knows how to swim but hates the water.  Silas dragged him into the pool and Titus started flailing about so I put my arm under his stomach to sort of keep him on the top of the water and he tried to crawl up my body.  He emerged from his unwanted swim unscathed and continued to sit at the edge of the pool and stick his feet in and try to drink the water.

Titus conked out on the sofa after a tiring day of fetch and annoying me in the kitchen.