Finals

I haven't updated in a few days.  I have been super busy this last week and the blog kind of got pushed to the bottom of my priorities list.  Tomorrow is my last day of school for the semester and I have three finals.  Kind of freaking out about it a little bit.  Studying is my main priority right now.  I am still working on my phobias list and will update tomorrow about my fear of poliomyelitis and the next fear I wish to overcome: earthquakes.

LGBTQ: Pansexuality

I received a comment on my post Easter/Atheism from a guy named Markus who stated: "In this post you say you're pansexual but in previous posts you said you were bisexual.  Are they the same thing?  What is pansexuality?"  I received a question asking what pansexuality was after my presentation yesterday as well.  It appears that pansexuality is mostly unknown and confusing.

In order to understand what a sexual orientation is I think you first need to understand what gender is.  Many people confuse gender with biological sex.  Gender is how you view yourself.  Biological sex is determined by what parts you have or even more basically whether you have an XY(male) or XX(female) chromosome.  Usually your gender aligns with your biological sex but many times it doesn't.

To put it in the simplest terms:
Gender is what you view yourself as including but not limited to male, female, both male and female, neither male nor female regardless of biological sex
Bisexuals are attracted to men and women
Pansexuals can also be called onmisexual and are attracted to all genders
Polysexuals are attracted to more than one but less than all genders

So when I say that I'm pansexual, I'm also bisexual by default (and lesbian and straight).  As a pansexual I can be romantically attracted to any person regardless of their gender or biological sex.  I have dated a bisexual man, a female-to-male transgender man, a straight man, a lesbian woman, and a person who defined themselves as neither man nor woman.  So basically to answer the question, a pansexual is always bisexual but a bisexual is not necessarily pansexual. 

The Presentation

I gave my presentation in class today.  Everything went better than expected.  I did not faint or have a massive panic attack like I feared.  I attribute my success to two things; the first of which being that I took a triple dose of my emergency anxiety medication 30 minutes before class and the second being that the professor let me give the presentation from my seat instead of making me go to the front of the class.  I was still very uncomfortable and stumbled over my words quite a few times despite the fact that I was reading directly from my paper but I did not faint.  I count this presentation a success. 

Presentation Preparations

I had planned a post on pansexuality for today (sorry Markus, you'll have to wait) but more pressing matters have pushed it back.  Now on top of studying for two huge tests, I also have to prepare for a speech I have to give tomorrow.  It appears I must tackle my fear of public speaking earlier than anticipated.  I don't do speeches.  Even thinking about giving a speech causes extreme nervousness.  However this speech is a huge part of my grade and the professor is unwilling to make any accommodations so it appears I must present.  And since I'll be very uncomfortable, I figured I would pick a mostly taboo subject and make everyone else uncomfortable as well.  My topic will be: attempted suicide.  My attempted suicide to be exact.  And maybe a bit on the restraining order as well.  I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes.  Hopefully I don't faint.

Easter/Atheism

As I'm sure most of you are aware, today is Easter Sunday.  And if you've read this blog for any length of time you are also aware that I'm an atheist.  I do not personally believe in God but I respect other people's right to believe whatever they want.  And even though I don't believe in God, I still enjoy celebrating the day with my family.  Just because they believe in something that I don't doesn't mean I don't enjoy spending the day with them.  I enjoy Christmas as well.  I just don't look too much into the religious aspect of it.

I know people have strong views about religion.  I was raised Catholic.  I went to catholic schools up until the eighth grade.  I was baptized, had my communion, and was confirmed.  I know what it's like to be Catholic.  And I know people are curious about other religions or lack of them but that doesn't give you the right to be rude.  On more than one occasion I've been talking with someone and the topic of religion comes up and they find out I'm an atheist and they say things like:

"Where do you get your morality?" 

• I get my morality from what I believe is right.  I try to behave in the way that I believe a good person should behave.  And if the fear of eternal punishment is all that's keeping you from raping and murdering everyone in sight, you're not really a good person.

 "I'll pray for you."

• So basically you're going to do nothing.  Thanks, I guess.

"Why do you hate God?"

• In order to hate something you have to believe in it.  Which atheists don't.  Saying that atheist's hate God would be the same as me saying that Christians hate talking horses.  You can't hate something that you don't believe exists.

"Have you read the bible?"

• Yes, I have.  One of the reasons I'm an atheist is because I have read the bible.  Any God that condones rape, slavery, and murder is not someone I want to be worshiping.

"Do you worship the Devil?"

• I always find it surprising the amount of people who think that atheists worship the devil.  Atheists don't believe in the Devil.  We don't worship at all.

"Really?  You don't act like an atheist."

• This is possibly the most offensive statement I've gotten.  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  How exactly did you expect me to act?  And if you replace 'atheist' with pretty much anything else it's immediately apparent how offensive it is.  You wouldn't say to someone: "You don't act Jewish." or "You don't act like a German." or "You don't act like a black person."

It doesn't help that many religions are against homosexuality.  The rate of atheists/agnostics in the LQBTQ community is at nearly 50%.  That's over two times greater than in the general population.  As a pansexual I have personally been treated badly by religious organizations.  I'm not saying that I became an atheist because I am LGBTQ and was treated badly.  I lost my faith in God years before I began identifying as pansexual.

So to all who celebrate it: Happy Easter.
To everybody else: Happy Sunday.

If any of you are curious about atheism I would recommend the books:
The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins
Is Religion Dangerous - Keith Ward
God is Not Great (how religion poisons everything) - Christopher Hitchens 

You could also check out: Friendly Atheist
It's a blog run by Hemant Mehta.  I found it very interesting and informative.  It can be found at: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/

A Devil Stirs

Here's another poem from the seventh grade.  I really had quite the affinity toward the darker side of things.  I was going to a Catholic school back then; you would think that between this one and Breathless and What Is This Place? and a few more deeply depressing poems focusing on death and the Devil they would have been a little concerned as to why a twelve-year-old liked to write about dying.

I was sailing be
Out to sea
My peaceful place
Where I could whisper
The questions
Of my soul
In silence
The mystery questions
That cannot be answered
I was alone
I was not afraid
Why should I be
The water was calm
The sky clear
And I was aboard
My faithful ship
The Black Dragon
On which I had sailed
Many times before
A light ocean breeze
Danced across my face
And lingured
I laughed
Lost in a slippery stream
Of pleasure
I looked
Over the side of the ship
And saw a reflection
My reflection
It shimmered
On the liquid surface
My light blue eyes
That shown as bright
As the Moon
On a dark summer night
My pale skin
As white and clear 
As freshly fallen snow
My hair
Dark ebony tresses
As black as
A dark winter's night
It hangs in my face
Concealing my features
Creating a barrier
Between me
And the rest of the world
But if you look
Beyond my appearance
You will see
Beauty
Spirit 
Delight
My Fears
A kingdom of freedom
You will also see
A prisoner
Wallowing
In a pit full
Of death and destruction
Of hatred
But being empty
You will see
My other side
The side I keep hidden
The bad side
Fighting to get out
A somber and ebony
Chaos causing
Disaster
My shadow
Dying to cause
Havoc and destruction
To spread evil and hatred
To cause death
To forever end freedom
And to destroy the human race
The real me

Behind my eyes
A devil stirs.

Funnily enough, the appearance of the person described in the poem looks a lot like I do now and nearly nothing like I did when I wrote it.  I have blue eyes, am usually quite pale and have dark black hair that often hangs in my face.  When I was younger I usually had a tan and blonde hair that was often pulled back into a ponytail. 

Interpreting Blue

I had to write this poem in my sophomore year of high school.  We had to write at least 300 words on the topic Interpreting Blue.  The teacher then submitted them to a regional poetry contest.  Mine came in second place.  Only thing I ever won in my life.  It got me a trophy and a $50 gift card. 

Blue is the sky
That blankets the world

Blue is what supports

The Sun and Moon
Blue is what holds
The Sun and the clouds
The only thing
That stops them
From crashing down
Blue lightens by day
And darkens by night
Where Blue then holds
The Moon and the stars
Blue holds them in place
The only thing standing
Between them and the ground
With every new day
Blue rises and falls
Getting brighter
And then darker
Until it’s hardly blue at all
Blue starts the day young
Full of brilliance and vigor
But as the day progresses
Just gets weaker and weaker
By the end of the night
Blue now darkened and drained
Can no longer hold the sky
When blackened Old Blue
Can bear it no further
A new bright young Blue
Comes to take over
But before Old Blue
Can relinquish hid burden
He falls down to Earth
And turns into the Ocean
And the Moon and the stars
With nothing to hold them
Fall from the sky
And into Blue Ocean
With the Moon and stars gone
The night is then over
And the bright young Blue
Takes the Sun on his shoulder
Old Blue has gone
But Blue Ocean remains
And a new challenge lies ahead
For Blue Ocean must now learn
The ways of the water
All the motions and movements
From the smallest of ripples
To the largest of waves
The high and low tides
And how something
As far away
As the Moon could affect them
Blue Ocean must learn
How to manage the lives
That he contains
For Blue Ocean contains life
Something Old Blue
Does not, can not
Nor will ever
He must learn the power
Of the Ocean
And how to use it
He must become a master
Of the water he contains
And he does
Blue Ocean has mastered
The ways of the water
And befriended the wind
In the process
For wind has many links
To both the water
And the sky
Blue Ocean found comfort
In the life he contains
And in the fact
That he no longer
Has to be alone
In bearing the weight
Of the world
On his shoulders
But he also misses the sky
He misses the freedom
And he knows
Knows what he has to do
And a refreshed Young Blue
Is pulled up to the sky
Blue Ocean is gone
But Young Blue remains
Blue moves in a cycle
Never ends
Never wavers
Just continues
One of the few things
That is constant
And Blue is the sky
That blankets the world

Fear of Poliomyelitis

This week's phobia is: Poliomyelitis

Fear level: 3

Why I am afraid:
     Diseases in general are rather frightening.

Why the fear makes sense:

•  I would think most people would be frightened of being infected with an incurable disease that causes paralysis and death.

 Some facts:

• Polio is a highly infectious disease caused by a virus.  It invades the nervous system, and can cause total paralysis in a matter of hours.
• Polio mainly affects children under 5 years of age.
• One in 200 infections leads to irreversible paralysis.  Among those paralyzed, 5% to 10% die when their breathing muscles become immobilized.
• Outbreaks can still occur in the developed world, usually in groups of people who have not been vaccinated.  Polio often occurs after someone travels to a region where the disease is common.
• As long as a single person remains infected, people in all countries are at risk of contracting polio.  Failure to eradicate polio from these last remaining strongholds could result in as many as 200,000 new cases every year, within 10 years all over the world.
• There is no cure for polio, it can only be prevented.
• Polio has been eradicated in the United States since 1979.

How I plan to get over this fear:

• I will look into whether I have been vaccinated for this disease.
• Look into whether there have been any confirmed cases of polio in the United States in the last few years.

Career Plans

I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I'm going to school but I have no idea what I really want to go into.  Well, I can't really say I have no idea what I want to go into; I do know what I would like to do.  There are several things that I would like to do for a living but none of them are very practical.  I love writing, which while it is something I am good at and enjoy doing; it is not a viable career option.  And whatever I decide to do I can always write in my free time.  I would also like to go into history or religious studies, which while fascinating, are again not really something I can make a career out of.  This leaves me with a science related career.  I like science.  I have always found it interesting and it is something I am reasonably good at and there are always careers available.

I want to help people.  But I really don't like people and I would prefer not to work with a lot of people.  That removes careers like doctors, nurses, etc. from the list of possibilities.  At first I thought being a veterinarian was the next logical choice.  You don't really work with people and your patients can't talk.  But being a veterinarian is very stressful and I don't think I could deal with sick animals and upset owners.  I want to go into something in medical research.  Working behind the scenes doing something to better the world is something I could see myself doing.  Something like: studying genetics or cancer research or studying diseases.  Working in a lab trying to find cures is a job I could do.  It's only my first year of college so I have time to decide but I really don't know what I'll end up doing with my life.  

My Dream

I usually don't write rhyming poetry because I think that non-rhyming poetry is more expressive.  It's also much easier to find the words to express yourself if you're not restricted to finding something that rhymes.  But occasionally I will write something rhyming.  This poem which I titled My Dream was written my senior year of high school for a project where we had to write about what we wanted to do with our life.  

My dream is to become a writer
My only certain goal
But if I wish to accomplish this
I must view things as a whole

Writing helps to calm me
Helps me find a peaceful place
Where I can think without disruptions
In my own special space

All the people who annoy me
All the people I deplore
I retreat into my peaceful place
And hear their voice no more

All the anguish and the pain
That seem to hover overhead
While in your conscience state
It fills you up with dread

For your death is imminent
As is nature's way
And none alive escape this fate
However much they pray

The Earth itself will be destroyed
Its' surfaces soon will fade
Eventually it'll turn to dust
Due to the damage man has made

Man's lees than cautious treatment
Of this place on which we live
Spells destruction for humankind
The gift that nature gives

And no amount of adoration
No amount of care
Can undo the past
Of what has happened there

The world is not expendable
Can never be replaced
If only one could've looked ahead
To see what would be faced

What's done is done
Will now remain
There is no turning back
What's been done to this domain

For man's mistakes went unnoticed
The time to change surpassed
And nothing can be done
To rectify the past

And as the time passes
The Earth will crumble from within
And only then will man remorse
For he'll know the end has just begin

One by one we will succumb
And except our doom
But until that happens
Our life we will resume

And I plan to be a writer
But as the words spill to this page
I wonder...
Will there be a world left to write for?

Sick

Head throbbing
Nose running
Throat raw

Ears ringing
Eyes watering
Limbs heavy

Vision blurry
Breathing strained
Hearing gone

Room spinning
Color fading
Blackness

Breathless

Here's another one of my earlier poetry works. 

The air was thinning
Right before my eyes
Getting thinner
And thinner
Every breath I took
Was a struggle
The air gave me
One last wave
Before disappearing completely
I cried out
I could not breathe
My lungs seemed to be wasting away
I took one last
Strained breath
Before I sank to the floor
And lay still

LARP/Fear of Ducks Part 2

Today I went and participated in a LARP (For those of you that aren't total nerds, LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing and in the simplest terms involves putting on costumes and bashing people with foam weapons.  The movie "Role Models" has some pretty accurate LARPing if you want to see for yourself.) battle at Voloyda's parents.  I haven't really LARPed since Voloyda and I broke up because I was on his team and things were just really weird.  But now that he's acting normally I figured it would be okay to start back up again.  It was so much fun and I have the bruises to prove it.  After the freezing winter we just had, it was nice to get outside and bash some people up.

I also went because they live on a farm and raise animals, including ducks.  And since I'm trying to get over my fear of ducks, it seemed like a good place to go and get up close with ducks.  After the battle Voloyda and I hung out with the ducks.  It wasn't that bad.  And the ducks were okay as well.  (Bad joke, I know.  I couldn't resist putting it in there.)  One of the ducks bit me (I told you they were dangerous) but it didn't really hurt.

After both researching and having some close up interactions with ducks, I have discovered that it isn't groups of ducks that I should be fear but single ducks.  There are very few records of group attacks but plenty of records of singular ducks attacking.  However, I am reasonably certain that I could fend off a single attacking duck should the situation ever arise.  I would say ducks are something that while they may make me slightly uncomfortable, are no longer something I am afraid of.

Looking for next fear to overcome.  Of the following, which would you most like to see me tackle next?  Leave your vote in the comment.  Fears I am willing to try next:
     1. Crickets
     2. Earthquakes
     3. Holes
     4. Mauled by hippos - being
     5. Poliomyelitis 

Normal

I wouldn't exactly say that I want to be normal but I wish I wasn't as strange as I am.

N is for Normalcy
     Dismiss the irregularities
O is for Opportunity
     Overlook the formalities
R is for Repellency
     Describes our compatibility
M is for Mortality
     We all die eventually
A is for Animosity
     Ignore the hostility
L is for Lunacy
     Disrupts your credibility

What Is This Place?

Not sure how many of you are aware of this, I'm going to assume the majority of you are not, April is National Poetry Month.  And since it is National Poetry Month and I am somewhat of a poet I figured I would share some of my poems.

This poem, which I titled What Is This Place?, is the first poem I ever wrote.  It was seventh grade English and it was the first time I was introduced to poetry.  As you can see, even back then I had a propensity towards the darker side of life.

Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
The house was on fire
And I was inside
Surrounded 
By the smoldering inferno
You must come
Said the flames
Creeping slowly toward me
It is time
No I cried no
But my words 
Could not be heard
Over the roaring fire
Yes whispered the flames
In my ear yes
And that is the last thing
I heard before I was taken
Taken to a living hell
No doors
No windows
No place to escape
I was stranded
Stranded in a living hell
Surrounded by a ring of fire
While the devil
Laughed and mocked me
No time to rest
No time to play
No time to do anything
But work
I hated this place
Where I could not love
Where I could not cry
Where I could do nothing
To resist the laughter
That surrounded me
No doors
No windows
No place to escape
I was stranded
Stranded in a living hell
Where the devil
Laughed and mocked me

What is this place?
But a prison of despair.

Fear of Ducks

This week's phobia is: Ducks

Fear level: 2

Why I am afraid: 
     I'm not afraid of all ducks.  Just if there's a large group of ducks.  They could like attack or something.

Why the fear makes sense:

• There are over 4 million google video results to the phrase "duck attacks people"
• In August of 2013 a 91-year-old man was hospitalized after being attacked by a duck
• In April of 2013 the city of Miami Springs, Florida received several reports of duck attacks

 Some facts:

• There are more than 40 breeds of domestic ducks.
• Mallard ducks, the most common wild ducks in the US, can fly nearly vertically out of the water reaching a height of about 30 feet before flying horizontally.
• All types of ducks are part of the bird family Anatidae, and there are species of ducks found on every continent except Antarctica.
• All ducks have highly waterproof feathers as a result of an intricate feather structure and a waxy coating that is spread on each feather while preening.  A duck's feathers are so waterproof that even when the duck dives underwater, its downy under-layer of feathers will stay completely dry.
• A ducks mouth contains rows of tiny plates to help filter water out of their beaks without losing food.

How I plan to get over this fear:

• Silas and I are going to the zoo on Friday and I will look at and get some more information on the ducks
• I will also go to the park and watch the ducks swim on the pond