Conversation with Voloyda 28

Actually, after I looked through the blog, it seems I never posted the one stating Voloyda was mentally ill.  I just found it, typed up but never posted.  The lost post, all the way back from September of ‘14.  I meant to post it a few days after Conversation with Voloyda 27 but I must have forgot.  Oops, my bad.  I give you the long, long overdue post of Conversation with Voloyda 28.

V: You know how at first I said Connery was his son that died and you said if he lost a child that was very sad and then I said that Connery wasn’t his son and that he wasn’t dead?

O: Yes.

V: Well it turns out that Connery was his son and while he isn’t dead, David did ‘lose’ him in a sense.  Apparently Connery is his son from his second wife and David abandoned him as well.  Just like he did to his first wife and children.  He seems to make a habit of it.  A man that doesn’t stand by his children is no man at all; he’s a coward and a blackguard and does not deserve respect.

O: Really?  If that’s true it’s fucked up.

V: I’m telling you there’s something really not right about that man.

O: There’s something really not right about you as well.

V: Say what you will about me but at least I take care of my responsibilities.  Family is more important than anything.

O: Says the man who at the age of 20 was so desperate for a child he took it upon himself to hide my birth control pills and when I had them replaced, swapped them with a placebo.

V: Er… I don’t really have a defense for that one.  It was completely crazy.  I never really apologized for it either so I’m sorry.

O: I’m sorry but in this case apologizing doesn’t cut it.  What you did was seriously fucked up and so beyond the realm of sane behavior I don’t even have a response for it.  I’m just happy I didn’t wind up pregnant.

Sabotaging my birth control.  At first I thought it was me and that I was just really absentminded and kept losing them.  And then I found out it was him.  That was the turning point in our relationship.  It was I think the first time I really noticed there was something really, seriously wrong with him.  There were smaller things before that, but the birth control was the big one that made me go ‘what the hell?’  That is just not something a sane person does and it was something I couldn’t overlook.  We broke up not long after that. 

However, I will say, his behavior been much more stable ever since he was placed on medications for his illness (which I will not disclose because it is not my business to do so and it doesn’t really pertain to the topic of the post.)  If he says it’s okay I may tell you but at this point it isn’t relevant.

As for David’s children, that sucks.  But, and I speak as someone whose parents are no longer together: if the relationship is not working and they feel as if it would be better to separate, they should do so.  I would rather my parents be happy living separately than stay together and be miserable.

General Update

All of these things happened between July 18th and September 1st.

Had a little bit of a rough patch about a month and a half ago.  My step dad and I sometimes don't get along well and we clashed a bit.  He was screaming that I needed to  move out and I was screaming that I wasn't going anywhere and that I'd rather die than be homeless.  And he was going on and on about how it's his house, and I'm driving him crazy and I ruined his marriage.  And I'm freaking out because I don't have anywhere else to go.   So I grabbed this knife and said if he wanted me out of his life that bad I'd stab myself in the throat and he'd never have to deal with me again.  And Mom's crying and telling me that I didn't ruin their marriage and I didn't have to go anywhere and trying to get the knife away from me and yelling at him to shut up.  I was totally freaking out.  I really probably should have gone into the hospital but after I calmed down I was mostly okay and didn't end up going.

This part is kind of gross so if you're squeamish you may want to skip to the next paragraph.  A few days after the above incident I went upstairs at 11;30 to find my mother sobbing in the kitchen.  The end of her finger was completely black and swollen so I ended up taking her to the emergency room.  The doctor numbed it up and then sliced the skin open right above her finger nail and all kinds caramel colored pus and blood shot out.  It was awesome.  Mom's really not into stuff like that and covered her face the entire time so she wouldn't have to see.  The doctor said if I liked stuff like that I should consider going into the medical field.  I took her to her GP the next day and they ran some blood work and it turns out she has MRSA.

My grandmother has diabetes and lately her blood sugar has been bottoming out.  The day after all of the above happened with mom I had to spend the night at grandma's because her sugar bottomed out and the paramedics wouldn't let her stay home unless someone came over.  Well I was the lucky person that gave up my evening to go over there.  Normally I would have been happy to do so but it was Thursday night and ten minutes before Impractical Jokers came on.  I watch one show on TV and somehow it always gets interrupted.  So she calls me and asks if I can come over I said I would but could she wait an hour so I could watch my show first and the paramedics said no.  I drove all the way over there missing my show and the pie I had made, and had to sleep in the uncomfortable bed and then she bitched about taking me out to breakfast the next morning.  Ungrateful much?  I ended up watching the episode on iTunes the next day while eating my special peanut butter pie but it was still an inconvenience.  When I told my therapist the above happening she both laughed and said it was inconsiderate of me to have asked if I could watch my show before going over.  

On a more positive note (or would it be negative?) it has yet to be seen how it plays out long term, but Voloyda and I have mutually decided on a platonic relationship.  We decided to separate two months ago with no hard feeling on either side and it has gone quite well.  We still hang out occasionally as friends and there have been no issues, apparently he's been seeing someone new.  I've also been going out with a new partner.  I met them (preferred pronoun they/them/their) online in a genderfluid group and found out they live in my city so we've been out several times.  I shall call them 'S' for simplicity.  We attended Pride together which was fun and I learned how to drive a stick shift after S got too buzzed to drive us back to my house.

I am quite happy to say that I am officially over David as my special interest.  I thought Impractical Jokers would replace him but it hasn't and now I've been special interest-less and it's so boring.  What the hell am I supposed to do all day without a special interest to occupy me?  I've been looking into things but so far nothing has stuck.  Hopefully I'll find something soon because life is rather boring with only my minor special interests to occupy me.

My New Special Interest

I believe my obsession with David has finally passed.  (God that feels really fucking weird to say.) He sort of hovers around the edge of my subconscious but I don't really actively think of him.  Instead my mind has been focusing on  Impractical Jokers, keying in on Q in particular. So this is your heads up that I'll most likely be info-dumping about the show and Q.

I've watched the show since it first started but gotten really into it over the last couple months.  It's one of the things I can watch over and over.  I'm saving up to get the seasons on DVD, I have them on iTunes but I'd be nice to have them on disk so I could watch them on TV instead of just my computer.  Season Seven started last night and I had a whole Happy Flap moment.  I haven't had a Happy Flap regarding a TV show since LOST was on the air.

I'm happy to finally be over David.  Though I do wish my obsession would have transferred to something besides another person, at least Q is a little safer interest in that he lives in New York and I'll never meet him.  I imagine it'll go the same way as my obsession with Alan Rickman; though most likely not as severe.  I don't think anyone could ever top my love for Alan Rickman.

Info-dumping: The supplying of a very large amount of (most likely unwanted) information.
Happy Flap: The hand flapping motions autistic people make when happy or excited.

Obsession with David

It feels weird to admit but I think my obsession with David is finally starting to fade.  I still think about him a lot but not every day like I was and when I do think about him it feels more detached.  I still want to know about him and stuff but it's not an all-encompassing drive like it was before.  Last year I had to arrange other activities for myself during his softball games so I wouldn't be tempted to go, yesterday he played softball and I didn't even think about it until this morning.  Before it seemed like I was acutely aware of when I knew where he was and now, it's not like that, I may know where he is but I feel no need to go there.  I know it will be a while before my fixation goes away completely, if it ever does, but for now I think I'm beginning to move on.  Let's hope my next obsession isn't nearly as destructive.  Here's to the future.

David's Softball Part 3/General Update

Greetings comrades.  I feel like I haven't posted in forever, but alas, it has been but three weeks.

School has been over for a few weeks and I have been enjoying spending my days doing absolutely nothing.  I would continue to do absolutely nothing until fall semester but unfortunately my mother says I have to take a summer class.  Which also totally messes up my plans to go to New York with Voloyda.  Oh well, I signed up for World Religions which should be interesting.  

David is once again playing on the senior softball team.  I haven't gone or anything but I have been checking online to see whether his team won or not (it's 1-1. the results of the most recent game have yet to be posted).  And to see whether there are any new photos of him on there.  You can never have enough photos of the person you're stalking.  I'm sure it'll be good evidence against me...you know, for when the police come.

As is my summer norm, I have caught a cold.  Normal people get sick in the winter but I get sick in the summer, aren't I special.  Voloyda is also sick, so I would imagine I caught it from him.  Normally I'd try to get him back for infecting me but I think he's already miserable enough.  A few weeks ago, while he was at his parents, he went to walk out to the barn and got his foot lodged in a gopher/groundhog/mole hole and tore a bunch of the ligaments in his knee.  So now he has to wear this brace and hope he doesn't need surgery. Another 5 weeks for the brace.  I said he should be glad it happened now while it's cooler, and he'll hopefully have the brace off by the time July and August rolls around, but he didn't appreciate my comments.

That's about it.  The family reunion is in 3 weeks, in Tennessee.  I shall be sure to apprise you of any events that occur before then. 

Why I Don't Want To Know About David

I received a comment asking why if David is my special interest, do I always tell Voloyda not to tell me about him.  There are several reasons.

• Reason One: I already knew most of what he was telling me.  David is my special interest; I have quite thoroughly researched him.  Granted I didn't know everything he told me but I did know most of it.
• Reason Two: I am trying to get over David.  Having new information about him isn't conducive to that.  The more I know about him and the more access I have to new information about him, the longer the obsession is likely to last.
• Reason Three: Voloyda is crazy enough without me encouraging him.  Letting him give me information without protesting is basically like saying 'Please go and get me as much information as you can by any means necessary.'  He already ran a background check on him, went through his garbage, and followed him around the city.  The last thing any of us needs, David included, is Voloyda breaking into his house or something.

I hope that answered your question.

Obsessions

A common behavior present in autistic people is an interest in a specific subject or topic.  The topic can be pretty much anything: a TV show, train schedules, World War I, sprinkler systems, people.  In autistic people these are often referred to as special interests or obsessions.  What sets an autistic person's special interest apart from a neurotypical's hobby is the intensity and duration.  (Neurotypical often shorted to 'NT' is a term used by the autistic community to describe people who are not autistic.)  A NT with the hobby of golf might enjoy going golfing, looking at golf related gear and reading golfing magazines; an autistic person with golf as their special interest will spend massive amounts of time, energy and often money learning everything they possibly can about the subject to the exclusion of all else.

For as long as I can remember I've always had an obsession with one thing or another.  Sometimes they were normal and age appropriate (Scooby Doo, Harry Potter, TV show LOST) and sometimes they weren't (hobos, prosthetic limbs, my 55-year-old boss.)  They usually last a few years before they disappear, usually when there is nothing more to be learned on the subject or a new interest develops.  Some of them last longer than others; such as hobos.  Which my parents found endlessly annoying because apparently a 10-year-old who talks about nothing but homeless people is embarrassing.  Other obsessions come and go; Harry Potter has been probably my greatest and longest lasting obsession.  It's come and gone several times and has been my most prominent obsession for probably a total of about nine or ten years.  Harry Potter and David are my current obsessions.  Some people have said that religion is also an obsession of mine but I wouldn't classify it as such.  I define an obsession as an all-encompassing desire to study and learn all there is to know about a subject to the exclusion of all else.  An obsession takes up a massive amount of your time, energy and thoughts.  I enjoy learning about religions but I do not feel compelled to do so.  Here are my main obsessions in the order that I had them: Scooby Doo, hobos, Harry Potter, prosthetic limbs, Harry Potter, LOST, Harry Potter, David.  Still trying to get over David.  It's not that I mind having David as my special interest but I wish it was something else.  He fascinates me and I enjoy knowing about him but at the same time I know that it's weird and I wish it was something else.  It's been about two years now so I'm hoping it will stop sometime soon.  I've tried to phase it out by trying to find a new obsession but so far nothing has worked. It appears that I'll just have to wait it out and continue looking for something new to pique my interest.

Conversation with Voloyda 27

Voloyda and I were talking last week after LARP and somehow got onto the topic of David’s wife and he said something about what she must have thought about me hitting on David.  This was the following conversation.

O: I would imagine it was something along the lines of: ‘My husband is being hit on by his much younger coworker.  This is not an issue because I trust him.’

V: Ha!  Yeah, no.  It probably went more like: ‘My fifty-five year old husband who’s left me twice before, who I nag the piss out of every day and, who I haven’t had sex with in three months is being hit on by some floozy 1/3 his age.  I bet he’s already sleeping with her.  If I don’t do something now it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me again.’

O: May I ask why you’re portraying his wife as some sort of paranoid, sexually frustrated, harpy?  I’ve never actually met her but I would assume she’s quite pleasant.

V: That’s what women act like.

O: That is mildly sexist and I don’t know what kind of women you’ve been associating with but most of us don’t act like that.

V: You don’t act like that.  But most women freak out about everything.  You’re much more laid back about the relationship stuff than the average woman.

O: I don’t think so.

V: Believe me, you are.

I asked Silas if he thought I was lax about relationship stuff and he agreed with Voloyda that I was.  An amazement in itself because usually he goes out of his way to avoid anything Voloyda says or does.

As for David’s wife, she can’t be that bad; after all he did remarry her.

Social Cues

On my post Conversation with Voloyda 26, I was asked what I meant when I said I didn’t understand normal social interactions.  Now obviously I can’t write about the social cues I’m missing because I don’t realize I’m missing them.  I can however write about the social cues I used to miss or misinterpret.  Here are some of the unspoken rules of society that I have a hard time understanding.  And just because I’ve recognized these rules doesn’t mean I’m the best at following them.  I often mess up. 

• I have a hard time both reading and showing body language and facial expressions.  The facial expressions are probably because I don’t tend to look at people’s faces when I’m speaking to them.  And when I do look at people’s faces, I often think they’re giving me ‘looks’ when they’re really not.  Eye contact is very uncomfortable for me so I usually avoid it.  I tend to rely more on vocal tone for gauging emotions, which usually works but not always.
• Even if you don’t care you’re expected to ask people how they are.  And if someone asks the question to you, you’re supposed to say you’re fine, even if you’re not.
• If you are at someone’s house and they say ‘I have to work in the morning,’ or ‘It’s getting late.’  That means they want you to leave.  I don’t understand why people don’t just say “It’s time for you to go.”  If someone is at my house and I want them to leave I just tell them.
• Unless it’s an insult or some other type of inappropriate comment, you should always acknowledge when someone has said something to you.
• Try to make sure that your facial expressions match the meaning of what you are saying.  For example if you’re talking to someone and say ‘I’m sorry your cat died,’ you wouldn’t say it while smiling.  Your facial expression should match what you’re saying and if you can’t do that, you should at least try to keep your expression neutral.  I have a lot of trouble with this one.  If I’m nervous or unsure of what to say I often make a sort of half smile/half grimace type expression which I’m sure looks odd and rarely fits into the context of the conversation.
• No matter how goofy or attractive you think someone looks you should try to avoid staring at them.  Especially their breast or genital region.  I can only imagine the number of times David caught me staring at him with a glassy-eyed look.
• If you are having a conversation with someone and want it to end, ignoring the person or just walking away is considered rude.  You should instead say something like ‘I really have to be going now’ or ‘I just remembered I was supposed to call my______.’
• When looking for a potential romantic partner, someone who is your boss, married, and thirty-three years your senior probably isn’t the best option.  Most people would realize this instinctively, but I had to learn the hard way.
• Try to refrain from making unexpected sounds or movements.  This is another one I have difficulty with.  Not so much the sounds but the movements, though I do often catch myself making a strange monotone humming/buzzing noise.  I often have weird body spasms/twitches that I rarely notice I’m doing and when I do notice them I have a hard time controlling it.  I also do things like hand flapping, springing up from seats, jumping up and down, skipping, randomly sitting down, spinning in circles, etc.  These types of movements might be acceptable for children but they are out of the ordinary for adults.
• Your speech should ‘match’ with the person you’re talking to.  For example the phrase: ‘Hello.  How are you?’ would be an acceptable way to greet your boss but is probably overly formal for greeting your best friend.  I’ve had various complaints about my speech including things like: my voice is monotone; I speak overly fast; it sounds as if I am quoting something; I speak in an overly formal manner; I don’t ‘have a conversation’ I ‘make statements;’ my vocabulary is strange (apparently normal people don’t say things like: parched, trod upon, and you as well, expeditiously, salutations, fortnight, carbonated beverages).
• No matter how much you want to, you shouldn’t grab someone else’s possessions without asking.
• When someone says they have to leave for a doctor's appointment, it is rude to ask them why they are going to the doctor.

It’s due to my lack of understanding and general awkwardness that causes me so much trouble in communicating with people.  And when I do bring myself to talk to someone it doesn’t take very long for them to realize I’m different.  With the lack of eye-contact, weird body movements, odd manner of speech, etcetera, it’s usually within the first five minutes of the conversation that the other person realizes there’s something ‘off’ about me and the tone of the conversation changes.  Their vocal tone changes, they start speaking more slowly, they use simpler words, and they ask questions like ‘did you get that?’ and ‘you understand what I’m saying, right?’  Basically they start speaking to you like you’re a child.  And you just want to shake them and scream “I’m not stupid!”  

The condescending behavior is especially noticeable when you’re in a group of people.  For me the best example of this was probably back when I was working.  The managers treated me differently.  I wouldn’t say they treated me like I was stupid, because they didn’t, but they didn’t treat me the same as everyone else.  Their behavior tended to improve the more they got to know me but they never completely treated me like they did the others.  Except for David.  David acknowledged that I was different and he said he found me puzzling, but he was never patronizing.  It was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. 

Voloyda's Craziness Part 21: David's Softball Part 2

There's not really a whole lot going on with me.  I'm mostly just relaxing before school starts back up again.  I am registered for classes and everything but I really don't want to go back.  My mother is sort of forcing me back into school but I don't really want to go.  That's not to say I don't want to go back ever, because I do want to go back at some point, just not right now.  I'm just so stressed out and I'm trying to find the right combination of medication, I just feel that now isn't a good time for me to go back.  I would really like to get myself a little more together first.  I'm barely hanging on as it is and adding school on top of everything else just seems like a bad idea.  I actually wouldn't mind taking one class of Sign Language but a full schedule just seems a little overwhelming.

On a more positive note, Silas and I reached our one year anniversary.  He took me out to dinner and to see The Guardians of the Galaxy.  The movie was totally awesome.  It was definitely worth seeing.  He also ran over my foot with his car two times in as many weeks.  I can now say from personal experience that it hurts a lot more without shoes on and I have bruises all over the top of my foot and strange red lines that match the tread of the tire.

I've been reading quite a bit lately and read seven-and-a-half books equaling about 3000 pages over the last week and a half.  The movie The Giver is being released next week so I reread the book in preparation and am currently rereading the third book in the series.  I didn't know Lois Lowry wrote a final book to the series and when I went to the bookshop they didn't have it so I had to order it online.  So I should be receiving "Son" along with the four other books I ordered by the end of the week.

Voloyda continues to be as annoying as always.  He was angry I ruined his plan to get me to run into David when I refused to go to his brothers' lacrosse game.  I understand his anger; if I had been planning something for over a year and spent nearly $200 on it I would be angry if it failed.  He's probably used to it by now though.  None of his plans to get me to run into David have worked.  He has far more patience than I, I'll give him that, I would have given up long ago.  I only hope that since he has apparently been in the same place as David every Thursday for the past two-and-a-half months that he hasn't done anything stupid.  As it is, I haven't been visited by the police with another restraining order or called in to testify against him for his own restraining order so he obviously hasn't done anything too bad.  Let's hope that continues.

He found out last year that David played on the softball team and for whatever reason didn't tell me then, but held onto the information for over a year apparently hoping David would decide to play again this year.  He either found out David had signed up for this year as well or just hoped he would and signed up his brothers for a game that played the same time as the senior softball games.  It's a good thing his little brothers like lacrosse; with the way Voloyda operates I wouldn't be surprised if he had just forced them into whatever was convenient for him.  He also sent me every picture of David he could find on the senior softball website and several that weren't on the website.  As for the photos that weren't on the website, I really hope he found them somewhere else online as opposed to having taken them himself, though knowing how crazy he is it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was the one that took them.  I can imagine him now: hiding in the bushes snapping photos.  

One of the photos I was unable to locate on the senior softball site.

Vloyda's Craziness Part 20: David's Softball

There hasn't really been a whole lot going on with me.  I saw my new therapist, started a new medication, my mother was in the hospital again, Voloyda tried to trick me into running into David.  Actually now that I typed it all out I guess quite a bit has been going on.

I saw my new psychiatrist for the first time and she started me on a new medication.  It's called clomipramine and it's supposed to help me with my depression and anxiety.  I've been on it for a week and haven't noticed any improvement but it can take a few weeks to get into my system.  I'm hoping that as I get acclimated to the pills the side effects will lessen.  The side effects are pretty mellow but it has been messing with my sleeping and it's totally sapped my appetite.  Since I started on these pills I've lost 8 pounds. 

My mother was in the hospital again last week for three days.  The doctors still don't really know what's wrong with her. 

Voloyda hasn't really been bothering me about David and I thought he had finally given up pestering me until his brother Dima told me Voloyda was up to something and to be on guard with him.  And of course Voloyda proceeded to invite me somewhere.  Voloyda invited me to a park to watch his little brothers play lacrosse.  Seems innocent enough, right?  Wrong!  I googled the name of the park, I'll call it "Park Park" for simplicity, and while looking around the site I discovered a link to a different site.  Again for simplicity I'll call this new site "Senior Softball."  Do you see the problem?  Voloyda's invitation was not an innocent attempt to get me interested in what I'm sure is the exciting world of elementary age lacrosse but a conniving plan to get me to run into David!  The fiend!  Well it's almost over with anyway, David plays softball for another two weeks and then that's it.  I have no intention of going to either of those games and I don't know where David has moved to or where he works.  After he finishes softball I'll have no idea where he is.  Isn't that great?  I'll never know where he is again... unless he plays softball again next year.  Either way, I won't have to worry about it for a year.

Conversation with Voloyda 25/Mother

V: You should go to David's softball game and talk to him.
O: No I shouldn't.
V: Just go and ask him out.
O: That is such a bad idea.
V: You won't know unless you ask him.
O: Yes I do know.  It wouldn't work out.
V: You don't know that.
O: Even if I did ask him out, he wouldn't say yes.  And if he did it wouldn't work out anyway so why bother?
V: You won't know it you don't try.
O: I do know.  Let's list all the reasons David and I wouldn't work out, shall we?

1. He had a restraining order against me
2. He hates me
3. He thinks that I want to kill him
4. He's married
5. His children are older than I am
6. He's 33 years older than me
7. He's catholic
8. He's on his third marriage
9. He's my former boss
10. He fired me
11. He smokes
12. I'm crazy
13. We have nothing in common
14. My family would freak out
15. His family would probably freak out as well
16. I want to have children someday
17. He'll probably be dead in 20 years

V: And despite all that you would still go out with him.
O: What can I say?  There's something wrong with me.
V: But you don't actually need to have an ongoing relationship with him.  You guys could just like... friends with benefits?  That's basically what you want from him anyway.
O: That's kind of offensive and in order to have a friends-with-benefits relationship you kind of have to be friends.  And we're not.  And never will be.  I've accepted this.  Why can't you?
V: Because it's my fault that you don't have a chance with him.  If I hadn't involved myself in your business you could have hooked-up already.
O: No, we couldn't have.  He's married and seems devoted to his wife.
V: You mean the wife that he's left on at least two separate occasions?  That wife?  He's not that devoted.  You could be the catalyst for time number three.
O: It's possible but very improbable that that would have happened.  And what makes you think I would want to be the reason for someone leaving their wife?  Besides if you forced someone to break up their family they would hate you in the long run.
V: Who said anything about the long run?  You hook up with him now and you'll have 15 years before he kicks the bucket.
O: I am 22-years-old; 15 years is two-thirds of my life.  I can't imagine doing anything for 15 years.  How is 15 years not long term?
V: Because if you hook up with him now and he dies in 15 years you'll only be 37.  That's plenty of time to start over.
O: That's actually a pretty good point.  But no thanks.

Voloyda is driving me mad; nagging me to go after David.  He keeps badgering me to go to David's softball game but as of yet hasn't told me where it is.  He appears to be listening to me for once in his life.  Let's see if he keeps it up.

My mother was released from hospital today.  She was in there since Thursday and was finally released today.  She's going to be out of work until the end of the month though.  I'm so happy she's out; both because it sucks being stuck in hospital and I'm glad she's okay and because without her here to keep the peace my stepfather and I were at each other's throats about to kill each other.

Conversation with Voloyda 24

V: OMG!  Guess what I found out!
O: What?
V: David plays on a senior softball team.
O: So.
V: I thought you'd find it interesting.
O: Maybe if I was a 55-year-old man who liked baseball I might find that interesting but alas I am not 55-years-old, a man, nor am I interested in baseball.
V: But it's David.
O: Yes and I need to stay away from him.
V: But you like him.
O: All the more reason for me to stay away.
V: You should go and try to talk to him.
O: No I shouldn't.  It's not all about me.  Does he not get any say in it?  He doesn't want to be around me and I'm not going to force myself on him.  Please don't tell me anything about his softball team.  I really don't want to know.
V: As you wish.  But I still think you should go and talk to him.

I really hope that Voloyda listens to me for once and doesn't tell me where David plays softball.  I like David and I need to stay away from him and if I know where he is, I don't know if I'll be able to.  It's better for everyone involved if I don't know.

Voloyda's Letter/General Update

It's been quite a while since I updated.  I know I said I'd post Voloyda's letter last week but I've just been so busy.  I'll give you a general rundown of everything that's been going on and then have his letter at the end.

My interview with Goodwill did not go as well as I had hoped and I never heard back.  Oh well, there are other jobs.  I have been working on my book quite a bit.  I've made some definite progress on it and might share some of it with you fairly soon.  Regarding my fear of earthquakes: they are always going to be scary but there have not been any really damaging or deadly earthquakes in Ohio since 1875.  I guess it isn't something I really need to be concerned about.

On Tuesday Voloyda and I took his nine-year-old twin brothers Alik and Kolya, Dima's son Maks, and mine and Voloyda's goddaughter Natasha to the LEGO Movie.  Dima turned 24 on Thursday and had a small party that I went to.

My cousin Ryker is trying to reach the level of Eagle Scout for Boy Scouts and put on a variety show on Saturday which I went to and it was actually pretty fun.  It lasted nearly three hours, he had a couple comedians, some singers and musicians, a couple dancers, a basketball/juggling team, and he played his saxophone and sang a little Johnny Cash.  It was fun.  He did a good job.  Everyone liked it.

Ryker after the show in his Boy Scout uniform.

And now unto Voloyda's letter.  The list Voloyda sent me in the post was 13 double-sided pages long containing mostly bitching and incoherent rambling.  I'm not going to bore and confuse you by posting all of that so I pulled out some of his more interesting statements and complaints.  Comments by me will be in parentheses.  Here we go.

1. I find it very offensive that you called me your ex-boyfriend.  I'm your former fiance.  Not your boyfriend.  It's hurtful that you discounted the seriousness of our relationship.
2. It's not really following someone to their house if their address is listed in the phone book as public information.  (I'm inclined to agree with this one.  If the information is public knowledge you wouldn't really have to follow them to find where they live.)
3. In the post Banned From The Store you never said what I was arrested for.  It was disorderly conduct, public intoxication and, trespassing.  They are all misdemeanor charges and I was only held for three days and then released with all charges dropped.
4. I never should have attacked "Kristoff" with the bat.  I was jealous and it was a mistake.  He never pressed charges though and eventually I apologized and gave him some money and smoothed it over and we're cool now.  (So you gave him some money.  Well I guess that makes it okay then.  WTF)
5. How did you find out about the messages I sent to David on Facebook?  (His brother Dima told me.  And apparently also sent an apology to David and got Voloyda to stop sending him harassing messages.)
6. I was only in the bushes for a little bit and that guy that dragged me out slapped me.  (A well-deserved slap.  If I caught someone I didn't know hiding in my bushes I'd probably slap them too, if I hadn't already called the police.)
7. Don't call me a mobster.  (What I said was that he looked like a mobster.  I never said he was a mobster.)
8. It would be suspicious to hide in the bushes wearing camouflage.  What if someone saw me?  (Because of course it's the camouflage that makes it suspicious, not the fact that you're hanging out in the bushes.  It's much better to wear a suit.)
9. The people that I had follow you were my brother and cousin and my cousin's then girlfriend.
10. I never did find anything out about Connery other than the fact that whoever he is, he's not dead.
11. I did fight the man that hit you and to my knowledge he hasn't bothered anyone else since.
12. Don't talk to my brother.  (I'll get right on that.  As if he has any say in who I talk to.  I could say some other things about his brother but I, and I'd hazard Dima as well, doesn't want to have that argument.
13. Why did you burn the sock that I sent you?  Do you know what I had to do to get that sock?  (Yes, yes I do and I don't want anything that was dug out of a dumpster.)
14. I didn't steal that trumpet.
15. I wasn't seeing a psychiatrist at the time but I am now.
16. I would be more than happy to speak to anyone you wanted me to.
17. So I probably shouldn't have looked up Annette's address but I thought you could get some use out of it.  (What possible use would I get out of knowing her address unless I had to send her something or meet her there?  Which quite frankly looks like it's never going to happen.)
18. Okay, I should apologize for the kidnapping thing.  I have no idea what I was thinking.  And in my defense I stand by what I said that I was just trying to give you a ride because it was supposed to rain.  (Of course you were.)
19. If I had dumped those guns, which I didn't, I would have indeed filmed it as insurance for the people who paid me.
20. You are so like Charlie Sheen.
21. Okay, so I did stab Little Ivan but it was only because I thought he turned me into the police.  You can't go snitching on your brothers.  Snitches get stitches.  But after I found out he hadn't turned me in.  I gave him some money and stuff and we're cool now.  (So he'll confess to attempted murder but not dumping guns into a lake.  If I was going to risk a life sentence for stabbing someone for something I would like to think that I would check to make sure they had actually did it before I started stabbing.)
22. So you found the tracker that I put on your car.  I was wondering why it said you were in the middle of the river.  Now I'm not saying that I did put a tracker on David's car or anything but if I had done something like that, I would have removed it several months ago around the time that we made up.  (Great, that is just fantastic.  At least David doesn't have a tracking device on his car anymore.)
23. The police are totally out to get me like for real.  You know some people say it and they're paranoid but no, the police are out to get me.  Ever since they couldn't get me for dropping those guns.  Allegedly.  (If I had dumped some guns and stabbed a few people I'd probably think the police were out to get me as well, and I'd probably be right.)
24. To be fair you are crazier than most.  (Can't argue with that.)
25. What exactly did you think I was going to do if I found the blog?  That's kind of rude to assume that I would tell everyone.  And even if I had, isn't that sort of the point?  To get more readers?  
26. Godson/Awkward conversation with David 3 was fucking hilarious.  I laughed for ages.  "What a lie that was."  
27. I think Dima summed it up quite nicely in saying that you need to stop going after older men because it never works out for you.  I don't know why, you would think guys in their 50's would jump at the chance to date a 20-year-old but you just have no luck with older guys.  I don't get it.  (Neither do I.)
28. I never threatened to kill David.  But if I had I would thank you for calling the police and stopping me because if the police hadn't stopped me I can't say for sure that I would have been able to stop myself from hurting David if I had made it to The Store.  So thanks for calling the cops.  You saved my life.  If that had actually happened of course.  (Right... of course.)
29. I am the sexiest cross-dresser around and you know it.  (I do indeed.)
30. By the way can I get some of the business cards.  I'll pass them out at Goth Night.
31. If you get hauled into court for a restraining order violation if they can do that now that the restraining order is expired, I'll go with you and back you up and tell them that you never did anything wrong and that is was me from the beginning.  (How helpful.)
32. I still can't believe that duck bit you.  I've never seen that happen before.  I don't think I've ever laughed that hard.  (So happy you found it funny.  Stupid duck.)

Voloyda Discovers the Blog

It's been a while since I updated.  I was busy enjoying my parent's holiday away from me.  It's been over a week since I gave one of my Stalking My Ex-Boss cards to James and there has been no horrible fallout.  I can only conclude that he didn't deem the blog creepy enough to warrant telling everyone.

Whenever I mention the blog to people they're always like 'You better hope David or the people from The Store don't find it.'  What are they going to do if they find it?  Try to file a restraining order or a libel suit against me?  The blog itself is not illegal.  I'm not doing anything illegal.  It's not as if I'm spreading defaming statements or spying or following anyone.  I don't really talk about David or the people from The Store all that often and when I do it's usually my personal feelings and opinions or stuff that has actually happened.  I don't really post their personal information or picture or anything they wouldn't tell someone.  My mother is the big one that always yells at me every time I mention it.  Yes, it's called Stalking My Ex-Boss.  It's an ironic title.  I'm not actually stalking anyone and if you read it you would realize it's mostly about what's going on in my life.  Which brings us to Voloyda.

Voloyda found the blog (With how much he was stalking me and stuff I apparently hid it amazing well that it took him over a year to find it.  I'm quite proud of that.) and bitched me out.  He said that the way I portrayed him was wrong.  And he wasn't mad about the conversations or stuff that I said about him; he just said that some of the stuff casted him in an undeserved negative light because I didn't tell the whole story.  He sent me a huge list in the post, which I will share with you over the next few days after I type it up, of everything he didn't like about how I talked about him. 

Confused

It's been a few days since the restraining order expired and I know I should be happy and I am, sort of.  But I'm also a little sad as well.  The restraining order was such a huge part of my life over the past year.  It's what I was living for.  And now it's over and everyone else has moved on.  And I'm in the same place I was a year ago going "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

Restraining Order Restrictions

Days until the restraining order is lifted: 0

Things the restraining order barred me from doing which I can now do.

1. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT ABUSE the protected persons named in this order by harming, attempting to harm, threatening, following, stalking, harassing, forcing sexual relations upon, or committing sexually oriented offenses against them.
2. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT ENTER the residence, school, business, or place of employment, day care centers, or child care providers of the protected persons named in this Order, including the building, grounds and parting lots at those locations.  Respondent may not violate this order even with the permission of the protected person.
3. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT INTERFERE with protected persons' right to occupy the residence including, but not limited to cancelling utilities, insurance, interrupting phone service, mail delivery, or the delivery of any other documents or items.
4. RESPONDENT SHALL STAY AWAY from protected persons named in this order, and shall not be present within 500 feet or 1 block (distance) of protected persons, wherever protected persons may be found, or any place the Respondent knows or should know the protected persons are likely to be, even with the protected persons' permission.  If Respondent accidentally comes into contact with protected persons in any public or private place, Respondent must depart immediately.  This Order includes encounters on public and private roads, highways, and thoroughfares.
5. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT REMOVE, DAMAGE, HIDE, OR DISPOSE OR ANY PROPERTY OR PETS owned or possessed by the protected persons named in this Order.
6. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT INITIATE OR HAVE ANY CONTACT with the protected persons named in this Order at their residences, businesses, places of employment, schools, day care centers, or child care providers.  Contact includes, but is not limited to, telephone, fax, e-mail, voice mail, delivery service, writings, or communications by any other means in person or through another person.  Respondent may not violate this Order even with the permission of the protected person.
7. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT CAUSE OR ENCOURAGE ANY OTHER PERSON to do any act prohibited by this order.
8. RESPONDENT SHALL NOT POSSESS, USE, CARRY, OR OBTAIN ANY DEADLY WEAPON.  Respondent shall turn over all deadly weapons in Respondent's possession to the law enforcement agency that serves the Respondent with this Order.

The only one I think that may have been violated was number 7.  Which I did not encourage but I was the cause of Voloyda going after David.  The wording of the order is off, and it sounds like I could be charged with something for someone else doing something I have no control over.  It makes it sound like if Voloyda were to break into David's apartment or something, I would be equally guilty even though I would have had nothing to do with it.  The city should probably look into rewording that. 

Either way the restraining order expires today and now I can do whatever the fuck I want in regards to David.  Which is basically nothing.  I'm going to wait until at least mid-April before I mail him the card I made him and then it will be over.

Rocky Horror Preparations

Days until restraining order is lifted: 1

Today I got most of the stuff together for Rocky Horror tomorrow.  I still need to pick up a few props.  Need to get party hats, bells, noisemakers, and a newspaper.  I cannot wait until tomorrow night.  I don't know if I'm more excited about the restraining order expiring or seeing the Rocky Horror shadow-cast.  I made Silas some cue cards so he has some idea of what to say and do but I didn't tell him what they might due to him because of his "virgin" status.  That would take all the fun out of it.  It's much more fun to torture him with not knowing.  (In the Rocky Horror universe a virgin is someone who has not been to a shadow-cast before.  Often "virgins" are singled out before the show and made to do some sort of embarrassing task or allow one to be performed on them.  My first cast they made all the virgins go up on stage and crawl under the performers legs while they spanked us.)

I invited my cousin Ryker along with us but my aunt won't let him go.  Such a prude, just kidding.  You would think that she'd be okay with it, he is almost 15.  He'll be 15 in a week and a half.  And while she didn't exactly allow it, she didn't get mad or anything when Theo and I took him to see "The Hangover 2" or "Bad Teacher" or "Ted."  All or those are rated R and contain just as much nudity as Rocky Horror.  Oh well, maybe I can take him to see the next one.  Theo is coming with us though.  It should be fun. 

Feedback is always appreciated.  I get a lot of views but hardly any comments.  Feel free to drop a line. 

Six Month Pledge

Days until restraining order is lifted: 3

I was sort of planning to stop the blog after the restraining order expired so I could dedicate more time to writing my book, but now I think I'll keep it going.  I started the blog to document what was going on in my life, especially in regards to David and Voloyda.  The restraining order is my last link to David, when it expires that's the end.  And Voloyda has been acting completely sane.  The expiration of the restraining order seemed like it would be a good ending point to the blog.  But I've thought about it and decided to keep it going.  The time I lose every week writing the blog is well worth the benefit I get out of it.  It's good therapy.  I may drop the updates to once or twice a month but I shall keep it going.  I really want to spend more time working on my book.  I may post some bits of it once I get a little further in.  I pledge to another six months of blogging, at which time I will reevaluate and go from there.  

Conversation with Voloyda 23

Days until restraining order is lifted: 4

V: So your restraining order is officially over the 22nd.  I was thinking we could have a party at my apartment after the show to celebrate.
O: At your apartment?
V: Yes.
O: Which is the same building that David lives in?
V: Yes.
O: I don't think so.
V: Why not?
O: Because taunting the man by showing up at his apartment to have an 'end of restraining order party' mere hours after the restraining order expires seems like such a good idea.
V: By the time we get there it will be the 23rd and the restraining order will have officially expired.  It would be totally legal.  It's a good plan.
O: A good plan?  Yeah, it would be a good plan alright, if the plan was me getting arrested.
V: After the restraining order expires you can go wherever you want.  He wouldn't be able to do anything.
O: Except maybe file another restraining order.  I'll not risk that.  I'm not going to your apartment.  At least not that night.  If you want to put together a small get-together for the following weekend or have a party at your parent's, I'll go to that, but I'm not showing up at David's apartment building the day the restraining order expires.
V: We don't even live on the same floor.  He wouldn't even know you were there.
O: Didn't you say you have the apartment directly above or below him?
V: Well yeah, but that doesn't really matter.
O: You don't think the sound of a party coming up through the floor at 2:30 in the morning wouldn't draw his attention.  Or the attention of all your neighbors really?
V: I could always pay them off not to file a noise complaint.
O: Is David included in the them that you're going to pay off?
V: $2-250 an apartment should work.
O: Again, I ask: is David on this list of neighbors that you're planning on paying off?  Because either way, I can't see this working out.  Either you try to pay him off and hope he doesn't recognize you as the man who's been following and threatening him or you don't and run the risk of him possibly showing up at your apartment to inquire about the noise and he finds me.  Neither of the situations is appealing.
V:  He wouldn't recognize me as the person that threatened him.  Or that followed him.
O: How has he not seen you?  You're really noticeable when you follow people.
V: Maybe I had someone follow him for me?
O: Please tell me you didn't.
V: He wouldn't recognize me as anyone other than someone he occasionally ran into while moving about the building.  And besides he thinks that the person who threatened him is a man.
O: You are a man.
V: Not when David's seen me, I haven't been.  And I'll be wearing the Columbia costume the night of the party.
O: "Not when David's seen me, I haven't been."  Please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means.
V: Sorry, but it does.  Whenever I followed David, I dressed as a woman.  And I looked fan-tab-U-lous!
O: Oh god.  I have no words.  I'm not going to a party at your apartment the night the restraining order expires.  If you want to have one at your parent's or somewhere else, I'll go.  But I'll not go to your apartment.

I don't really have any words for Voloyda's behavior.  Though I suppose dressing as the opposite gender, if you're doing something you shouldn't, would make it harder for the person to identify you.  And Voloyda always made a beautiful woman.  Even knowing of his affinity for cross-dressing, I never suspected he would use it in his pursuit of David.  Brilliant move on his part and a fallacy on mine.  Probably should have seen that coming.