Social Cues

On my post Conversation with Voloyda 26, I was asked what I meant when I said I didn’t understand normal social interactions.  Now obviously I can’t write about the social cues I’m missing because I don’t realize I’m missing them.  I can however write about the social cues I used to miss or misinterpret.  Here are some of the unspoken rules of society that I have a hard time understanding.  And just because I’ve recognized these rules doesn’t mean I’m the best at following them.  I often mess up. 

• I have a hard time both reading and showing body language and facial expressions.  The facial expressions are probably because I don’t tend to look at people’s faces when I’m speaking to them.  And when I do look at people’s faces, I often think they’re giving me ‘looks’ when they’re really not.  Eye contact is very uncomfortable for me so I usually avoid it.  I tend to rely more on vocal tone for gauging emotions, which usually works but not always.
• Even if you don’t care you’re expected to ask people how they are.  And if someone asks the question to you, you’re supposed to say you’re fine, even if you’re not.
• If you are at someone’s house and they say ‘I have to work in the morning,’ or ‘It’s getting late.’  That means they want you to leave.  I don’t understand why people don’t just say “It’s time for you to go.”  If someone is at my house and I want them to leave I just tell them.
• Unless it’s an insult or some other type of inappropriate comment, you should always acknowledge when someone has said something to you.
• Try to make sure that your facial expressions match the meaning of what you are saying.  For example if you’re talking to someone and say ‘I’m sorry your cat died,’ you wouldn’t say it while smiling.  Your facial expression should match what you’re saying and if you can’t do that, you should at least try to keep your expression neutral.  I have a lot of trouble with this one.  If I’m nervous or unsure of what to say I often make a sort of half smile/half grimace type expression which I’m sure looks odd and rarely fits into the context of the conversation.
• No matter how goofy or attractive you think someone looks you should try to avoid staring at them.  Especially their breast or genital region.  I can only imagine the number of times David caught me staring at him with a glassy-eyed look.
• If you are having a conversation with someone and want it to end, ignoring the person or just walking away is considered rude.  You should instead say something like ‘I really have to be going now’ or ‘I just remembered I was supposed to call my______.’
• When looking for a potential romantic partner, someone who is your boss, married, and thirty-three years your senior probably isn’t the best option.  Most people would realize this instinctively, but I had to learn the hard way.
• Try to refrain from making unexpected sounds or movements.  This is another one I have difficulty with.  Not so much the sounds but the movements, though I do often catch myself making a strange monotone humming/buzzing noise.  I often have weird body spasms/twitches that I rarely notice I’m doing and when I do notice them I have a hard time controlling it.  I also do things like hand flapping, springing up from seats, jumping up and down, skipping, randomly sitting down, spinning in circles, etc.  These types of movements might be acceptable for children but they are out of the ordinary for adults.
• Your speech should ‘match’ with the person you’re talking to.  For example the phrase: ‘Hello.  How are you?’ would be an acceptable way to greet your boss but is probably overly formal for greeting your best friend.  I’ve had various complaints about my speech including things like: my voice is monotone; I speak overly fast; it sounds as if I am quoting something; I speak in an overly formal manner; I don’t ‘have a conversation’ I ‘make statements;’ my vocabulary is strange (apparently normal people don’t say things like: parched, trod upon, and you as well, expeditiously, salutations, fortnight, carbonated beverages).
• No matter how much you want to, you shouldn’t grab someone else’s possessions without asking.
• When someone says they have to leave for a doctor's appointment, it is rude to ask them why they are going to the doctor.

It’s due to my lack of understanding and general awkwardness that causes me so much trouble in communicating with people.  And when I do bring myself to talk to someone it doesn’t take very long for them to realize I’m different.  With the lack of eye-contact, weird body movements, odd manner of speech, etcetera, it’s usually within the first five minutes of the conversation that the other person realizes there’s something ‘off’ about me and the tone of the conversation changes.  Their vocal tone changes, they start speaking more slowly, they use simpler words, and they ask questions like ‘did you get that?’ and ‘you understand what I’m saying, right?’  Basically they start speaking to you like you’re a child.  And you just want to shake them and scream “I’m not stupid!”  

The condescending behavior is especially noticeable when you’re in a group of people.  For me the best example of this was probably back when I was working.  The managers treated me differently.  I wouldn’t say they treated me like I was stupid, because they didn’t, but they didn’t treat me the same as everyone else.  Their behavior tended to improve the more they got to know me but they never completely treated me like they did the others.  Except for David.  David acknowledged that I was different and he said he found me puzzling, but he was never patronizing.  It was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.