Pretend

Days until restraining order is lifted: 26

Most of the writing I've done lately has been for the blog but I also write poems and short stories.  And I'm writing a novel as well.  I wrote a lot of poems just before and after I was fired as a way to try to deal with everything that I was feeling.  I've decided to post some of them on here.  This one, which I titled Pretend, was written just before I was fired.

I feel like I'm alone

I feel like there is no one

That would understand

What I'm going through

I try to explain

But I just can't

So I keep it to myself

And pretend everything is fine

Even though it isn't

And in public

I smile, laugh, and joke

And pretend to be happy

And then I go home 

And cry

I think that sums things up quite nicely.  And depressingly.

The Police/Rescue Mental Health

Days until restraining order is lifted: 28

I was standing in the parking lot when the police car pulled up.  I tried to go to my car but he saw me.  I was dodging through the parked cars and he was following me.  He caught up with me and slammed me against one of the cars.  I really, really do not like to be touched and was totally freaking out.  (When I was still working at The Store one of the new people touched me one time and I freaked out.  They got all offended and told, I think it was either Annette or Minerva, and they were like 'What?  You can't touch October.  You'll set off a panic attack.  She doesn't let anyone touch her.')  The cop was putting the cuffs on me when the owner of the car came up.  She had this look like what the fuck is going on.  I was fighting against the cop.  Screaming and thrashing around.  I kicked him in the crotch.  The cop was like, 'we'll be out of your way in just a minute.'  He got the cuffs on me and took all of the stuff out of my pockets.  I was put in the back of the squad car.  (After I got out of the hospital one of my former bosses 'Bill' who used to work at The Store and who now works a few shops down in the same complex, told me that everyone saw everything that happened.  Apparently I was a main conversation point over the next few days.)

The cop took me to Rescue Mental Health Services.  When we got there he took me inside and asked if I was going to cooperate or not.  He said if I would cooperate he would take the cuffs off.  I agreed.  The cop took the cuffs off, gave all my stuff to the social worker, and left.  I was taken to a shabby looking room with a sofa, a TV, and a few chairs in it.  The social worker asked me all kinds of questions and I had to fill out some paperwork.  She said for me to stay there while they arranged for me a place to stay.  Before they took me to the hospital I was able to use the phone and I called my mother and my sister.  After I was done they loaded me into a van and I was taken to Flower Hospital.

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Annette Part 2/Alan Rickman's Birthday

So confused.  Annette sent me a friend request on Facebook yesterday.  I friended her and then today she unfriended me.  Again.  Why send the request in the first place if you're going to block me again less than a day later?  I don't get why she sent the request in the first place.  What a waste of time.  Totally bizarre.

Tomorrow is Alan Rickman's birthday.  He'll be 68 years old.  As always I shall be having an Alan Rickman-a-Thon in honor of his birthday.  Probably going to watch:

• Sweeney Todd
• Die Hard
• Galaxy Quest
• Sense and Sensibility
• Love Actually
• Dogma
• Robin Hood
• Bottle Shock
• Blow Dry

I missed most of his birthday last year because I was in the hospital so I'm going to make it up this year.

Annette

Days until restraining order is lifted: 30

Last night, after nearly a year of no contact, Annette sent me a friend request on Facebook.  I have no explanation as to why other than that perhaps she saw my Anniversary post from the other day.  I am quite honestly shocked.  I had come to expect that I would never hear from her again.  I know things will never be the way they were before and I don't expect them to.  Nor do I want them to.  The way they were before was not good for me.  Annette is no longer a friend but an acquaintance.  I know that some people, namely David, will not or cannot forgive me for the things that I (supposedly) did and I'm okay with that.

I had this conversation with Voloyda:

V: I see that you and Annette are friends again.
O: Yes.
V: Kind of strange for her to reach out to you after not talking to you for nearly a year.
O: I thought the same thing.
V: Probably saw your post from the other day.
O: That was the conclusion I came to as well.
V: Well good luck.  Hope everything works out for you.
V: Now you only have to convince David that you're not crazy.
O: Easier said than done.  And it doesn't really matter anyway.  It's not like I'll ever see him again.
V: Still but I would guess that you want him to forgive you.
O: I wish he would.  But I understand that he may not be able to.  And I do not hold it against him.  I really don't care either way.
V: You know you care what he thinks.
O: I care in the sense that the way he views me is not who I am.  If that makes any sense.
V: I get it.  He doesn't really know you other than how you behaved at work.  Which is a skewed sample.  He knows how you reacted to things at The Store but it's not a valid interpretation of who you are.  You were under a lot of stress and your behavior reflected that.  People react to stress in different ways.  Your behavior was erratic and unpredictable.  He was scared of what you might do; that you would hurt or kill him.
O: When he filed the restraining order I do not think he did it out of fear but more out of a desire for me to leave him alone.
V: Which would make sense if you were the one who was following him.
V: You most likely would have won if you had fought the restraining order.  And you definitely would have won if you had told them it was me and not you.
O: Doesn't really matter anymore.  It expires in a month.  And it didn't really affect my life much.  It really only prevented me from getting a gun.  Which to be honest was probably for the best.
V: Yeah.  Probably a good thing.
V: I hear you want to go to a Rocky Horror shadow-cast.  There's one up in Flint next month.  We could go.
O: I would totally go with you but I don't think Silas would like it.
V: You could bring him too.
V: Or I could get a group together.  Sanctuary said she would go.  And I'm sure Snow and Lucifer would go as well.
O: Maybe if you hadn't threatened to stab him he might have considered it but I don't think so.
V: We can go as a group then.  It'll be fun.
O: Why are you being so nice?  Usually you're cursing at me and demanding I go out with you.  What's your angle this time?
V: You're in a committed relationship and you're not going to go out with me.  I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all.
O: I'll ask Silas if he wants to go.
V: My mistake, the shadow-cast is in Wayne not Flint.  The Flint one is tomorrow.

Conversation with Voloyda 20

Days until restraining order is lifted: 31

V: I found you this picture.

O: I don't recognize any of these people.

V: You don't recognize your lovely former boss?  That's David in the center.

O: You're kidding.  He's freakin adorable.

V: From the top left: "D.R. Jr." "J.K." from bottom left: "W.R." David "M.R." (after their mother Rosemary?)

O: His mother's name is Rosemary?

V: Rosemary Smith.

O: Really?  Well that explains why he gave me a strange look when I told him one of my aliases was Rosemary Smith.

V: I thought it was Rosemary Evans?

O: Rosemary Smith and October Evens.

O: Now that I think about it, I'm amazed the man waited as long as he did to file a restraining order.  He probably thought I was stalking him long before he was actually being stalked.  For me to go up to him and tell him I sometimes went by his mother's name?  Totally creepy.  LOL

V: So funny

O: Where did you find this picture anyway?

V: I have my ways.

O: Of course you do.  Don't send me any more pictures.

V: I won't.  I don't have anymore. 

Anniversary

Days until restraining order is lifted: 33

Today marks the one year anniversary of my termination from The Store and my subsequent suicide attempt.  It marks the anniversary of the day that my life fell apart.  I enjoyed working at The Store and I miss it sometimes, but I've come to the conclusion that getting fired may have been the best thing for me.  It allowed me to get the help that I so desperately needed.  And without the constant pressure and stress that I was under when I was working there my health, both mental and physical, have greatly improved.  Since I was fired my anxiety and panic attacks have been greatly reduced.  And my fainting spells have almost completely disappeared.  When I was working at The Store I usually fainted at least once a week, but since my termination a year ago I have fainted only twice.  And both were in times of great stress.

I do not regret my being fired, nor do I regret attempting suicide.  But what I do regret is the stress and panic and sadness that I caused my family and friends during that time.  I am sorry for the pain I caused them and would like to thank them again for sticking by me in my time of need.  Especially my sister Andie who visited me in the hospital every day and, my friends Theo, Annette and, Minerva.  And David for saving my life.  They helped me through the most difficult time in my life and for that I am forever grateful. 

When I Was Fired Part 2

Days until restraining order is lifted: 35

When I was standing in the road trying to kill myself after I got fired, Stacy and David were outside trying to stop me.  I was standing in the middle of the road in the median, Stacy was standing right on the other edge of the street and, David was standing a bit further back at the edge of the parking lot.  Stacy was talking to me trying to get me to go back inside.  The cars were speeding by at 50 miles an hour.  A car came speeding up and I feinted as if I was going to step in front of it.  I remember Stacy gasped and yelled at me to get out of the street.  I stepped back onto the divider.  Eventually there was a lull in traffic and Stacy came over and dragged me out of the road.  And then I was talking to David; he was yelling at me.  I remember he said, "You're going to kill yourself that way?  By having someone run you over?  How do you think that person would feel, living with having killed someone?  You would ruin someone's life like that?  That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard."  It made me think.  And it stopped me from going back into the street.  

I went inside with them.  They brought me up to the office and stood in front of the door so I couldn't leave.  The store manager "Marigold" was in there.  Stacy said to call the police because I had just tried to kill myself.  I didn't want to get locked up.  I panicked.  I told them to get out of my way.  Stacy said that she wasn't going to move.  I tried to force myself between them.  Marigold said she had to, that they couldn't keep me in there against my will.  Stacy was arguing 'but she just tried to kill herself.'  I was angry and wanted out of that room.  I pushed Stacy and smacked David.  Marigold said to let me out and to call the police.  Stacy and David moved out of my way and I bolted from the office, down the stairs and, outside to the parking lot.  That's where I was when the police showed up.

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Facebook Page

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Conversation with Voloyda 19

Days until restraining order is lifted: 37

V: You know how I said David didn’t get married again.

O: Kind of hard to forget.  You just told me two days ago.

V: Well I did some more digging.  I was wrong.

O: So they are married.

V: Not exactly.  He got married again all right.  To a woman in Florida named Amy Lynn “Harding.”  Last record of them living together was in 2002.  And I couldn’t find any divorce records.  So they might still be married.  It appears that he left her, traveled the country a bit living in three or four different states, then came back to Toledo and hooked back up with his ex-wife.

O: That’s interesting?  I guess.

V: It’s fucked up.  If you’re going to leave your wife to get back together with your ex the least you could do is divorce her first.  And she’s from Toledo.  What are the odds they were together before David divorced his first wife?

O: I’m going to say slim to none.  Toledo is a fairly sizeable city.  And she may not have even been living here when he was. 

V: Just pointing it out.  And guess when they were married?  February 14^th 1998.

O: Valentine’s Day.  Really?  That is so sappy. 

V: Totally.  Getting married on Valentine’s Day, could you be any more cliché?  I liked your wedding idea better. 

O: A black wedding on Halloween.  That would be the bomb. 

V: You know it.

Conversation with Voloyda 18

Days until restraining order is lifted: 39

This was the conversation I had with Voloyda today.

V: You know how I said David was divorced and then re-married.

O: Yes.  They were divorced in August of ’95.

V: I was wrong.  I don’t think that they were ever re-married.

O: Okay?  Why do I need to know this?

V: Just figured you’d want to know he’s a liar.

O: What are you talking about?

V: You said he uses the term ‘my wife’ implying that he’s married when he’s really not.  That makes him a liar.

O: So?  If she’s his ex-wife and they’re together but haven’t re-married it’s probably just easier to say ‘my wife’ than to explain.  That’s assuming you’re correct and they haven’t remarried.

V: He’s a pathetic excuse for a man.

O: What are you on about now?
V: What kind of man gets a divorce and then leaves his kids to move out of state.  He’s no man.

O: People get divorced.  It’s sad but it happens.  I’d hardly hold a divorce against someone.
V: It’s not the divorce I have a problem with.  It’s the fact that he left his children.  You get a divorce you move out.  Maybe to another part of the city.  Maybe to a neighboring town.  You don’t up and move 2,264 miles away to California and abandon your children.  It’s pathetic.  He’s no man by me.  A man who doesn’t stand by his children is a coward.  And to come back over a decade later and expect your family to take you back.  That’s fucked up.
O: Are you serious?  You don’t know what happened.  Why he left.  You don’t know him.
V: I don’t know him?  I know everything there is to know.  I know his birthdate.  Where he’s lived.  Where he worked.  Where he’s from.  What his parents did.  Where his mother is.  Where his brothers and sister are.  When his children were born.  Where his children are.  When his ‘wife’ was born.  Where she’s from.  Where she’s lived. 
O: You know about him.  You don’t actually know him.  People are more than facts on a sheet of paper.  You know him about as well as I do which is to say not at all.
V: I know him.
O: Really?  Then you should have no problem answering a few questions?
V: Bring it on.
O: What’s his favorite color?
V: What?  I…
O: What’s his favorite movie?
V: I… I don’t know that.

O: What are his hobbies?

O: Who are his friends?

O: What’s his favorite food?

O: What music does he like?
O: Does he read?
O: What’s his favorite book?
O: What’s his favorite TV show?

V: Stop!

O: As I said: you know about him.  You don’t actually know him.  And it’s wrong to judge someone without knowing the whole story.

O: I have one more question.
V: What?

O: You should know the answer to this one.

V: What is it?

O: What is my favorite color?

V: What?

O: You know all about me.  I mean we dated for two years.  You’re following me.  You’ve hacked into my computer.  You’ve bugged my phone.  You should know this.  What’s my favorite color, Vova?  I’ll make it easy for you; I have three name one of them?

V: *long pause*

O: What?  You don’t know it?

V: Yes.  Of course I know.  It’s blue.

O: No, it’s not.  Hot pink, purple and, emerald green.

O: Apparently it’s also possible to know someone without actually knowing them.

V: You bitch.